Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Creedmoorer Nation Opens a Casino - Part 2

Of course, the Department of State never recognized the Independent Republic of Creedmoor to begin with so that the whole point was moot. That meant that the Admou"r could move right to part 2 of his plan to maintain sovereignty - while still receiving entitlement payments for every last multiple personality!

"Balaila hahu nodeda shnas hamelech" - on that night, the Admou"r could not sleep. No, he was not looking to see which multiple personality deserved to be rewarded for his latest welfare scam - he was looking through purloined employee and patient directories for names that looked remotely Native American.

As the Admou"r perused the "Divrei Hayomim de'Creedmoor, he settled upon a patient in the ward for the criminally insane, whose name was Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree. Needless to say, when one is dealing with patients in a ward for the criminally insane, one has no idea of the actual identities of said patients, let alone their ethnic origins. As for our Great Chief's middle name, apparently it was bestowed upon him by wardens and prisoners alike at his previous port of call, a place which according to some, belonged to the ancient and well respected Sing Sing Native American tribe.

It did not take long for the hyliger Admou"r to find Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree. As for his lineage, while it was impossible to know whether he really was of Native American stock, it was apparent that this tall, dilapidated example of selective inbreeding clearly merited the name Straighttree - for his family tree rivaled that of the late, lamented Uday and Qusay bnei Saddam Hussein in terms of lack of adequate branches.

Straighttree was a perfect candidate for Great Chief of the new Creedmoor Nation, about to be created by the Admou"r meCreedmoor for the sole purpose of opening a casino and entertainment center on the dirt path which connects D-ward with Kiryas Naye Creedmoor - and happens to be occupied by a swimming pool and gym which is still State property as it services the few remaining unfortunates who are hospitalized in the official wards of the august Creedmoor facility.

Immediately, the Admou"r obtained his soon to be partner in crime's vital statistics so as to sign him up for every possible entitlement program available. For his trouble, Straighttree received five per cent of the take, paid in three dollar gift certificates for MehaDreck Mart, and redeemable only for firewater. Now, firewater in days of old meant mashke - but in Creedmoor redt, firewater, or more accurately feiervasser, refers to Saudi kerosene, prepared with the © hechsher for use in the immolation of buildings for purposes of obtaining insurance payouts.

"Ma laasois baish asher hamelech chofetz beyikaroi.." - and on that day the Admou"r made for Reb Donald a shtreimel of the finest Malaysian tin foil, noki mekol chashash tumas hatzioinis and therefore exempt from toiveling in the Admou"r's asher yotzor bowl. And in that shtreimel, he stuck a dozen pigeon feathers and he affixed to it Mickey Mouse ears, made of the finest felt obtained in the Occupational Therapy room in the main hospital. Then, Reb Donald was crowned "Grand Chief of the Creedmoorer Nation," as well as being initiated into Chassidus Creedmoor by responding affirmatively to the question: "Tell me Donalt - you iz eppes eligible for SSI?"

Meanwhile, it was time to collect on the policy or ten which the Admou"r placed on the gym which he was about to take over for casino construction purposes: "Donald, gey mach'n fire in gym!" said the Admou"r to his newest charge (while rubbing together 2 sticks to signify fire). "Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo! Me make burn!" replied the Great Chief. "Yasher koiach, ich darf roif'n der insurance!" replied the Admou"r!

The Admou"r was ready for Step 2 - a lawsuit against the State of New York and an injunction against the State prohibiting them from utilizing any land belonging to the Sckemegeigi tribe of the Creedmoorer Nation, which possessed, in the hands of its Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree, deeds showing that this land had been the hunting grounds of the first and greatest chief of the entire Creedmoorer Nation, Horsefeathers Sckemegeigi (pronounced Shmeggege). The Admou"r of course informed the State that Sckemegeigi means "Straight Tree" in Creedmoorer, which is a language of the Purple Mohawk family. (Needless to say, Shmohawk may come to mind for any Mel Brooks fans who happen to be reading this, which makes Blazing Saddles look quite plausible by comparison). According to the 1529 Survey of the Lands of the Colonie of Southe Dreckistan and its Surroundings, this land included D-ward, Kiryas Naye Creedmoor - and Jamaica Center, on Parsons Boulevard in Queens.

Now, given those facts, what State bureaucrat could resist the Admou"r's deal - we, the Creedmoorer Nation, from whose name the very name of the hospital derives, will relinquish any claims to Jamaica Center in exchange for development rights, in perpetuity, to the territory presently occupied by our nation within the confines of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, and including the gymnasium and swimming instruction center presently used by the State of New York for the training of the criminally insane. Said development rights were of course to include a casino, which would be licenced to accept US currency but to pay out in Creedmoor Nation currency, issued by the ancestral printing press of the Shvili tribe, now operated by Moshiach Hakolbishvili and Shabtai Olamnivrabishvili of Rego Park, Queens.

Needless to say, such a proposal would be laughed at by even the most obtuse New York State bureaucrat. But, the Shvili tribe of Rego Park, Queens are known for their production of any document or stamp which the Admou"r may desire - an ancestral craft perfected in Soviet Georgia of old, and passed down from father to son, each of whom have thirteen passports and forty driving licences. So, for a small fee payable in US currency, the Admou"r was presented with a treaty signed and stamped by none other than the Governor of New York himself - FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT! Never mind that Roosevelt had been out of office for many years now and had passed on - the proud men of the Shvili persuasion simply aged the document and backdated it to 1930. This meant that theoretically, the State of New York owed Straighttree compensation for years now!

As for the Admou"r, he proclaimed himself Great Shaman of the Sckemegeigi tribe, and explained to Straighttree that in Creedmoorer practice, the shaman handled all financial administration!

So, the next morning, a truck from "Dollar Bill's Print Shop" delivered a truckload of threes, fives and sevens to the new "Creedmoor Chump Palasse Kasino," operated by the Creedmoorer Nation under the leadership of Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree and Grand Shaman (as good a translation as any for and about as authentic as the rest of his rabbinical titles) Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman Sheyirfa"sh.

And the suckers piled in for the 1:3 guaranteed winnings - one US dollar purchased 3 Creedmoorer dollars (also known as forged Estonian food stamps). The truly lucky winners were treated to 1:7 payouts in seven dollar denominations, and on the very first day, a certain Mr James Willmer, Assistant to the Assistant of the Commissioner of Gaming of the State of New York, placed a twenty dollar bill into the "Destroy the Tryfe Medine" slot machine and won a whole sack of threes, sevens and nines, totalling TZVAY MILYEN TOLAR!

Said Mr Willmer was driven back to Albany in a stretch Hummer, and plied with drinks so that the next morning, he had no time to open the sack before work, where he affirmed that all was according to standard at the new casino.

And the fire of Creedmoor burns on, consuming in its wake many a building with good insurance coverage!


smb said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
smb said...

Great story!

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