Monday, December 12, 2005

The Juvey Boys Choir

Take the present popularity of boys' choirs in the frum community, and combine it with the Creedmoorer's unbridled avarice, and the availability of funds for rehabilitation of juvenile delinquents - and all Gehennom breaks loose in the form of the BH one and only Juvey Boys' Choir!

The Admou"r was really in fine form for the past four weeks since his release. To begin with, he registered the births of 5000 more daughters, all named Magaifo Nafka and all suffering from various and sundry disabilities requiring 24 hour nursing care and just about every orthopedic, respiratory and cardiac appliance and monitor known to medical science. The reason for this was very simple. The Admou"r was about to export this equipment to charity hospitals from Armenia to the Sahara via his latest organization, Ahavas Mirma - the Creedmoorer Nation Universal Medical Relief Fund.

This noble organization never charges the recipients one cent for the equipment. Instead, it simply sends the equipment, obtained free of charge via US entitlement programs al pi minhag Creedmoor hayadua, to the most corrupt nations on earth, with grossly inflated values and astronomically high shipping costs, COD. The Admou"r's network of crooked customs agents, from Afghanistan to Zarkawi's stronghold in Iraq, and from Antarctica (yes, the Admou"r even manages to ship equipment to research stations in penguin territory) to South America, simply extort huge duties and collect the shipping fees from the often desperate recipients. And of course, anywhere from 20% to 80% of the ill gotten gains are remitted via a series of transfers to "The Hyliger Slush Fund and Keren Maamad of the Grand Rabbi of the Creedmoorer Kehilla Sheyirfa"sh."

Then, the Admou"r extended his Creedmoorer Nation to an abandoned facility in Rockland County, New York, so that he could open the first Yiddish speaking casino. Ads promising "drei tolar far yeder einer" attracted every yeshiva bochur and Bais Yaakov girl who were heading off the derech to really head off the derech - and nothing scared more of them back straight than seeing the depths of depravity to which the Admou"r had sank. Said one concerned parent: "Mayn Genendel vus mamash going tiff in der erd. Then she gay tzi Creedmoorer casino, give der Admou"r a tolar, and get a drei tolar kounterfitisher piece asher yotzor papier. She tells me, Mamme, ich vil nisht zenen azoy vi dem Creedmoorimlach! - and she mach enrollment in der Bais Yaakov semitery far'n bed girls in Eretz Yisroel." Nevertheless, in the 48 hours before the Tznius Patrol chased the casino out of town, it raked in 3 million dollars of real US currency - in exchange for 9 million dollars of worthless toilet paper that cost the Admou"r 10,000 dollars in phony credit cards to print.

Still, the Admou"r was never satisfied, and when he logged into the Internet one day, he read about the availability of Federal funds for rehabilitation of juvenile delinquents in New York State. As a Native American shaman, the Admou"r was now eligible for preferences as a minority vendor. What an opportunity for large scale gezel, the "avoida of a new generation," al pi tabaat Chassidus Creedmoor!

And of course, the Admou"r knew full well of the boys' choir craze in the frum world. So, he proposed a musical talent program for the young delinquents - for which the government would pay 500 dollars per participant, minimum of 10000 participants, of whom 50 would be chosen to sing in the choir. This choir would perform in hospitals, nursing homes, and special schools, to the delight of all.

Now, not even the absentee single parent of the most depraved delinquent would let her offspring participate in a choir led by a man who dressed in tinfoil and plastic bags. That meant that all auditions would have to be conducted with - virtual participants. So, the Admou"r's grant was duly approved when he came up with a list of 10000 young delinquents of all races and colors. Of course, he simply scanned phone books into his computer, but the Federal bureaucracy is not noted for its astuteness.

But that did not prevent the Admou"r from organizing a real choir, composed of young men from the Creedmoor outpatient facility.

And they indeed did perform, at the chassuna of a family where all four parents were in State koilel for sales tax evasion and consumer fraud. Never mind that the choir was paid in forged ECT cards; the performance was a must-see, and it included a new song:


From the ashes itself they saved evidence for the insurance
Get it fast and pay the adjuster with endurance
Clear a path so the inspector can pick up a bag
Burn 'em down, burn 'em down, burn 'em down

5 to 10 flies by like cars passing on the BQE. Parole comes by like the blink of an eye
March to the exercise yard for Shachris, Mincha, Maariv, no mikveh here just the showers, the can is no place for delicate flowers, welfare checks bounce, bounce, bounce....

At this point, even the couple and guests, most of whom wore ankle bracelets of the electronic variety, were so inspired that they wrecked the hall - and who was it insured to if not "The Holiest Congregation of the Community which Walks in the Blessed Ways of Creedmoor."

Police arrived at the scene, and most of the participants in the simcha were duly arrested and booked. And they were followed by the one and only Koirach Bilom Feketeszar, the Gabbai and Insurance Adjuster extraordinaire, who as always was carrying a five gallon pail of some solvent or another. A sheaf of fifties (well, more like a sheaf of 70 dollar bills with a legit 50 on top and a Gruzini special on the bottom) changed hands, and a police officer was asked to sign a sheaf of forms....

And the Admou"r wore a garbage bag in hot Day-Glo orange as he rejoiced in the giving of the payouts.....while Aetna, AXA, Allstate, Cigna, Generali, Prudential, and many a Lloyd's syndicate donned sackcloth and ashes and wept!

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