Thursday, December 01, 2005

Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver lands in Federal Koilel - Part 3

Soon enough, FBI agents swooped down upon the hallowed halls of D-ward d'Creedmoor, armed with a warrant for the arrest of Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, ne Jacinto Rodriguez. The warrant was issued thanks to the work of Dr Pervez "Pervy" Khan, who convinced the wonderfully capable investigators that all of the stolen funds placed in his account and in the account of a certain "Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor and Other Things Best Avoided," were placed there by Rodriguez, who had even had passports forged in the name of Jacob K. Ferdganver so as to prove that he was an officer of the Disjoint Distribution Committee, an offshoot of the Disjointed Jewish Communities.

In the meantime, Dr Pervy had fled back to his native Pakistan (where he had transfered much of his ill gotten stash of section 8 and food stamp funds). This meant that when the bravest and finest of the FBI arrived at the exalted premises of D-ward, they were greeted by a Chassidic rebbe wearing a tin foil hat and an undersized and underbrained Mexican riding a broomstick. Needless to say, the most honorable rebbe all of a sudden regained sanity, and calmly explained to the investigators that Jacinto Rodriguez was their man - and even showed the phony photo ID's bearing Rodriguez's likeness and the highly fictitious surname of Ferdganver.

Never mind that Jacinto Rodriguez was clearly at least 39.8 WD's short of a can of WD-40; the proud men of the FBI had a warrant for his arrest on charges of defrauding the Federal Government, and they would not leave the premises without their man. Never mind that their real man was the esteemed and disdained Admou"r, and that his henchman had fled to Pakistan. Never mind that Jacinto Rodriguez could not spell the abbreviation FBI. Jacinto Rodriguez was spirited out in Creedmoor, in an unmarked Ford Victoria, and taken to the Federal Mesivta a/k/a the Metropolitan Corrections Center, for pretrial detention.

Since Rodriguez had no lawyer, no known relatives, and a dubious immigration status, his trial took place a mere 2 weeks after his arrest. Indeed, at his pre-trial hearing he wore a shirt marked "Someone smuggled me in from Jalisco and all I have to show for it is this lousy T-shirt". However, one would be correct to suspect that it was printed along with his Ferdganver passport and licence, at the one and only Dollar Printing and Lamination of Rego Park, one of a very few merchants which displays a certificate "by exclusive appointment to the royal hoif of the Admou"r meCreedmoor"

The trial was attended by few people indeed - but one of those people probably counted for hundreds or thousands when it came to Federal subsidy and entitlement grants as well as votes in Federal, State and local elections. Yes, in return for his assistance with the case against Rodriguez, the Admou"r meCreedmoor was allowed to attend the trial - in his traditional form of dress, the famous pointed tinfoil shtreimel and orange garbage bag bekeshe.

And what a trial it was! As the prosecuting attorney read each of the 967 counts against Jacinto Rodriguez, the Admou"r cheered him on by singing "Vekoil karnei reshoim agadeach" while banging his walking stick against the seat on which his royal tuches was regally perched. Jacinto responded only by saying: "Heee said to mee to say I ggggggeeeeeeeeeellteeeeee. Geeeeeeeeeelteee meen I go back Mexico! But meeeeeeee Amerikan seetezin!"

Eventually, the jury came to a unanimous conclusion: Jacinto Rodriguez was guilty as charged - and so was Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver.

And now came the sentencing phase. Now it was the judge's turn to read the litany of charges: "One count of felony count of count of identity theft (the Admou"r had informed the FBI that the Ferdganver identity belonged to a long dead and highly respected rabbi who had been the head of an important rabbinical court in some village in Hungarian Galicia and then emigrated to the US where he affixed his seal to products such as water and cane sugar so as to render them kasher lemehadrin min hamehadrin), etc, etc until he came to enough felonies to be able to pronounce a sentence.

So he counted and one concurrent, one and two suspended, one and three in sequence, one and four concurrent....and the Admou"r regaled the good judge with a rendition of the posuk "yomim al y'my melech toisif" that would certainly not have landed him a recording contract with Aderet, let alone Jdub or chalila Sony, but which certainly had an effect on the rodent and roach population of the Federal courthouse in Lower Manhattan. And so it went on for about three hours until the judge tallied up the sentence and came to: 967 years.

And the Admou"r, in his tremendous chessed, sped off in a taxi to Dollar Printing, where he presented pictures of various movie stars and asked for passports and birth certificates in the names of Cholerye, Koirach, Bilom, Homon, Antiochus, Kalev Hunt and Sus Ferd Ferdganver. Upon his return to Creedmoor, these documents were couriered to the Social Security office by another unwitting dupe from the maintenance staff, who was rewarded with five food stamps, in seven dollar denominations, for his trouble.

Finally, these numbers were used to sign up for the usual Creedmoor cohort of payments - SSI, Medicaid, disability, welfare, ECT, WIC, food stamps, and a few insurance policies. And all of these payments were put into a special fund called the Jacob Ferdganver Foundation, meant for the sustenance of the many starving multiple personalites of the rosh verishon lekol davar shebemirma, Dovid Schmoigerman of Creedmoor ve'shaar marin bishin.

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