Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - Shiur by the Admou"r meCreedmoor


As spring approaches, the desire and opportunity for our hyliger yachnes, machshefas, choleryes and other noshim tzidkaniois to violate basic rules of modesty becomes greater and greater. Therefore, the hyliger Admou"r is once again leading the way by organizing and funding a Veltvide Mishmeres HaTznius - Intergalactic Modesty Squad - with branches everywhere from Teaneck to Pluto.

This Shabbos was Shabbos Mevorchim Av (the Admou"r has removed Adar from the calendar and moved Av into its place out of respect to his Iranian colleagues as well as due to his belief that there is no simcha as long as the Zionist entity is in place and as long as it is a felony to falsify US tax returns to show inflated donations to the Admou"r's tzedakois), so that the Admou"r gave his most detailed shiur yet regarding the laws pertaining to proper practices and operation of the Modesty Patrol.

We present the full shiur given this past Shabbos Parshas Corinthians/Haftoro Sunna 8:14 (Friday 25 Ramadan), memorized and transcribed by Koirach Shelumiel Falschreiber, one of the ninety five trillion (ken yirbu) personalities of the Admou"r who was chosen for this desalted and extinguished task on account of his utter nonexistence anywhere but on the welfare rolls of the US, Canada, and ten EU countries:

1) Community payment for services of the Modesty Squad:

Maaser equivalent to 284% of the number of welfare cheques per head which can and should be received by the sponsoring community is to be collected from all possible governmental sources or by counterfeiting cash and financial instruments. The significance of 284, 204 being gematria tzadik and 80 being the letter pay, is well known from my teachings and does not need further explanation at this time. These funds should be divided as follows:

33% - Payment and Uniforms for Volunteers. Volunteers shall be paid no less than three Estonian forints per hour served as well as 381 forints for each item of clothing destroyed and removed from its wearer. Uniforms shall be of tin foil wrapped in orange cellophane and should cover the entire body of the volunteer.

33% - Legal Defense Fund for Volunteers; including gifts to police and legitimate security patrols.

45% - Remittance to Admou"r's Discretionary Fund for training material and brochos from the hyliger Admou"r.

Now a question always arises when dealing with maaser, knasim, maamad money and the like in the hyliger shitta of Creedmoor - how do we possibly get to more than 100%? And the answer is simple. Chassidus Creedmoor is all about exceeding natural limitations by breaking boundaries such as civil and criminal law which prevent us from reaching our true potential. So, we invent new personalities who in essence turn us from 100% per cent which for koifrim is shlymis, to percentages as high as ninety five quadrillion which is so much higher than nature. And by converting the spirituality of these extra personalities to the material world of welfare, insurance payouts and disability cheques, we are mekayem our purpose in this world which is to show that "and who is the wise one (chochom)? The one who says whatever is mine is mine and whatever is the government's is also mine" (Avois d'Rabbynee Ponzi 34:1).

So now we return once again to the modesty squad - what is its purpose and under what halachos does it operate?

2) The Purpose of the Modesty Squad:

In a community as large as ours that grows by leaps and bounds with a few keystrokes, there are those personalities that just do not fit the usual expectations of a Creedmoorer Chussid. In this case we speak of those who prefer the action of real street battles to the more intellectual pursuits of falsifying everything from passports to death certificates to halachos themselves, as taught in our hyliger moisdois starting with Gan Pesha ve'Resha and going on through State, Federal and Her Majesty's Koilelim. So, we give them an outlet which allows them to use their active nature to enforce the modesty standards of our community, which are based on and a new improved version of those taught by the tzaddik Haham Mullah Omar, baal ha-Taliban.

For instance, we have finally succeeded in totally and completely banning ANY fabric made from traditional natural or synthetic fibers, in favor of tin foil and thick plastic bags. But there are some women who insist on wearing the black burqas of the tzioinim, which are of black cotton and wool, both of which are outlawed due to a chashash of shatnez.

I therefore instruct the unsalted volunteers of the modesty squads to literally dissolve this horrendous kefira and merida bemalchis by cutting these fabric garments off their wearers and to soak them in sulfuric acid in a public place. (Note: it is unclear as to whether the Admou"r wants the clothing or the wearers to be dissolved but either is feasible given the nature of the Admou"r's psak lately).

And the cost of the acid must be assumed by the violators of our modesty; the volunteers are instructed to extort from the violators up to 9000 Bangladeshi rials for each violation, of which 5000 are to be remitted to the Acid Gemach and 1000 are to be sent to the Admou"r's Maamad Fund.

For this, strong and brave men are needed, not those who spend their days in the computer room of our batei medrash and print documents, but those who are more suited for serving the hyliger kehilla by physical work. When a volunteer is patrolling, he is authorized to also augment his income by purveying narcotics and stimulants, actual or counterfeit, to those outside the hyliger machane of Chassidis Creedmoor, and to keep any funds so earned for his own use.

So, the Modesty Squad allows all personalities, of all different natures, to find their places in our hyliger community. We are not beset by the problems of the koifrim, whose sons often cannot find a place outside the yeshiva and therefore wander about aimlessly and use that which our proud men of the tznius patrol are authorized to sell to them, so as to further weaken the grip that kefira and tzioinis have on am Azazel at this time of false hope of the geula which is diametrically opposed to the federal, state and local benefits of this long golus that we hope to maintain forever through our avyrois.

3) Basic Definition of Modesty and Violations Thereof:

A Creedmoorer personality must be covered from head to toe in opaque metallic material, belaaz tin foil, so that the various regulatory and law enforcement organs that continue to threaten our way of life cannot see that she does not exist to begin with. For in Creedmoor, we have achieved the ultimate in tznius - OUR WOMEN JUST DO NOT EXIST!

With that in mind, what must our patrols enforce?

a) Full covering of all exposed skin and dark lenses on the eye slits. Only tin foil may be used, with colored tin foil permitted only on Shabbos (Tuesday).

b) Shoes must also be covered in tin foil and may not have heels larger than 5 centimeters with exceptions being granted in cases of shidduchim with our hyliger bochurim who may be taller than they by over 10 centimeters.

c) No Creedmoorer woman may drive a car, ride a bicycle, skate or walk more than 6 amois behind a man, whether of our community or of actual existence outside the hyliger annals of our Chassidis which happen to coincide so well with the welfare records of all 50 states, all Canadian provinces, and most of the German lander.

d) These regulations are in effect AT THE TIME OF BIRTH of a new female Creedmoorer personality.

The leaders (hyliger bulvonim) and volunteers (gebensched shtarkers) of the Modesty Patrol are indeed the knights in shining tin foil of our Chassidis, and from this day on they should receive the tenth, twelfth and fourteenth aliyas every Shabbos, as well as the fifteenth sura during all of Ramadan.


Der Shygetz said...


Already a question has been asked:

Must acid, bleach etc used by the Modesty Patrol be under kosher supervision.

The Admou"r replied as follows:

This is a question which just delays the final golus.

My position on the use of cleaning solvents and accelerants which are of Zionist origin is well known as is the "noki mekol chashash Tzioinis vekefira" Creedmoor Arba Misois Beis Din mehadrin supervision. How much more so when these chemicals are used to enforce our hyliger standards of modesty?

So once again for those personalities who are registered only far out in space, I repeat that NO fire accelerant, solvent or acid may be used in our community for ANY purpose unless it bears our mehadrin seal and is therefore a product of our supervised factories and refineries in Saudi Arabia and Iran which are leaders in the struggle for modesty and against tzioinis.

Mushkie said...

Who's the female Creedmoorer personality?

Der Shygetz said...


See the archives :).

The Admou"r has 2 wives, Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoia Yachne Schmoigerman and Rebbetzin Lilac Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerman.

Mushkie said...

I was trying to explain to my father who Schmoigerman is but I gave up after 15 you have any idea how long it would take for a newbie to get some Creedmoor background? ;-)

Der Shygetz said...


Hmmm..I'd say your best bet is to have him read the blog or do a search for Admou"r meCreedmoor.

The original Admou"r was a Usenet troll who posted Neturei Karta propaganda all over the Jewish newsgroups. Then when he disappeared the Admou"r took on a life of his own....

As for how long it takes, depends on how much you drink...