Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing!


The Admou"r's Latest Directive:

Mivtza Sreyfo: Kashering Homes, Offices, and Warehouses for Pesach by Burning Away the Tuma of Tzioinis!

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing! As we prepare to make sure that we are not redeemed this Pesach, we must increase in our zealotry regarding Pesach cleaning and burn down not only our own homes but also those of our neighbors!

The tuma of Zionism is affecting not only your hyliger selves but also the selves and the inner essences of your neighbors, whether they are hymish, modernish, tzioinish, frei or shkootzish. But you, who follow in the way of the only real truth, must be the one who profits from ridding the world of the horrible tuma of tzioinis by burning down the house which is affected just as homes affected with tzoraas bayis were burned down in the times of the first golus in Sinai.

Remember that it is ossur for you to tolerate tuma in your midst, regardless of whether the tomai property is yours or not. For it is said "Bishvili Nivra HaOilam". Bishvili means not only for me, but for my path, meaning that it is upon you to show everyone by force that only your path is correct. And bishvili is also the ikar of the surname of the official printer of cash and insurance policies and food-shtempelach, which is Hakolbishvili.

This year, Haham Mashiach Hakolbishvili will be appointed the special gabbai for the "Mivtza Not One Home May be Left Standing." He will distribute a maximum of three barrels of guaranteed Saudi crude, completely unrefined as per the drachim of Creedmoor, to each family which undertakes to burn down at least a block of housing on each side of its own dwelling in time to celebrate the Festival of the Egel HaZahav on 12334 Av 5708.

He will also consult with each volunteer to determine how to best insure the homes on each block in question to the benefit of the burner (10% share of proceeds), himself (135% share of proceeds) and the Admou"r's hyliger moisdos (678% share of proceeds). A Creedmoor psychiatrist will be on hand to make sure each participant is diagnosed as a pyromaniac and therefore not subject to anything except recognition of his tendencies as a legitimate form of multicultural creative expression.

The Admou"r says: "All that is left to ensure that we remain in golus for ten more generations is to burn down as much of the world as possible. And whoever burns more, may he be praised, may his block be razed, and may his korban egel hazahav be braised!"

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