Friday, March 20, 2009

The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes - Part 1 - the 10 Sfiros


With the Kabbalah craze in full swing, how can the Admou"r meCreedmoor not get in on the action? The answer is - of course he is in on the action - with his famous program "The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes".

And it begins with his very novel definition of the 10 Sfiros, or, as he translates them, noxious emissions:

The Head Sfira:

Makas Bechoiros. Makas Bechoiros is akin to the head, as it controls all of the other 9 sfiros. It is particularly praiseworthy to let the sfira of Makas Bechoirois lead you into finding the proper way to handle your money - the reference is to either hitting first or getting hit first which in turn means being among the original investors in a Ponzi scheme.

Sfira #2:

Skila. Skila represents violent and destructive emotions. These should be channeled not into investment decisions but into the fight against tzioinis, chessed and ehrlichkeit that is the essence of a Creedmoorer Chossid.

Sfira #3

Sreyfa. Sreyfa represents burning, and the significance of burning to one who follows in the distortions and darkness of Chassidus Creedmoor should be well known already. One who looks to the sfira of Sreyfa to make investment decisions tends to put down deposits and insurance premiums on vacant buildings.

Sfira #4

Onan. Onan represents non productive wasting of resources. The sfira of Onan is extremely negative and should never be taken into account when dealing with resources belonging to anyone other than the government or the Zionist entity. However, welfare records going back to the time of the avois show that the Schmoigerman rebbeim are registered as descendants of Onan so that even this sfira can be elevated by wasting resources that are not your own anyway.

Sfira #5

Izevel. Izevel represents the folly of allowing one's wife to lead him. This means that whatever profits which result from an illegal transaction will be spent on jewelry, plastic surgery, shoes and other useless items whereas the investor who follows the sfira of Izevel will be soundly blamed when his illegal scams go wrong even though plenty of money is hidden in his Izevel's name.

Sfira #6

Mitzrayim. Mitzrayim represents meitzorim, and this in turn means either honest work or a prison sentence. The Admou"r explains that while he is indeed a second son who would have been left behind in Mitzrayim, today's golus is golus Edom and it is praiseworthy to be left behind as otherwise one would be a tzioini who worships the tryfe state. Therefore, Mitzrayim representing scams that are either so easy to detect that prison is to be expected, as well as honest work, is to be avoided.

Sfira #7

Gezel. Gezel is the most admirable sfira according to Kabbalas Malkos Creedmoor. This is because gezel represents the transfer of gashmius from those who are affected with the klipas of civilization and hard work to those who resist same. Gezel investments are those in which all benefit except the mark, but the mark is nisht fin inzerer so it hardly matters. And if the mark is the government of any democracy except Iran, then harei ze meshubuch.

Sfira #8

Mirma. Mirma is deceit and this is the basis for the positive sfiras of gezel and makas bechoirois. The Admou"r somehow connects makas bechoirois to the deceit of Lovon giving his older daughter Leah to Yaakov before Rochel the younger daughter, and since like Lovon HaArami the Admou"r "bikesh laakor et hakol" meaning in this case to destroy not only tzioinis but the whole world economy through his welfare scams and printing of bad money, he is a great admirer of Lovon.

Sfira #9

Pritzus. Without pritzus, the rock on which Chassidus Creedmoor stands, namely the Mishmeres haTznius could not exist. As far as investments are concerned, the Admour speaks of "poiretz geder", meaning that all investment scams must break through the boundaries of even plausible scams. The Admou"r no longer sets up a scam unless it will net him over three quintillion counterfeit Euros in profit, and these Euro must be in odd numbered two digit denominations so that no one mistakes them for Tzioini or otherwise legal Euros.

Sfira #10

Prikus Oyl. This is another key sfira in Chassidus Creedmoor, for the Admou"r connects the word prikus to the word pork (which the Admou"r accepts as kosher so long as the pigs were schechted by welfare recipients and/or using stolen circular saws, and are sold in packages that are at least 35% shortweight). And pork comes from the chozzer. an animal associated with greed and overstuffing. It is also an animal which has kosher feet but is of course not kosher - the epitome of the chitzoinius (externality or superficiality) to which the fanatic Creedmoorer is enjoined to strive. And finally, it represents pork barrel politics, which allows special interest groups, such as multiple welfare recipients who operate their own welfare printing houses, to obtain all sorts of benefits and exemptions from prosecution on the basis of their mental patient status. In short, the Admou"r instructs his Chassidim to be the ultimate porkers in every sense of the world - and a prikus oyl investment is one where there are no restrictions whatsoever to the greed of all participants.

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