Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Newsflash: Phantom Chassidic School Scores Tops on Standardized Tests


(Bubbamaases Press Service)

The "Pesha veResha" and "Schmoigerwoman Beis Yachne" school systems, which belong to a controversial self appointed Chassidic rabbi whose congregation is registered to abandoned buildings on the campus of a noted psychiatric institution, have placed first in New York State and countrywide standardized tests.

What is especially noteworthy is that the school does not teach secular subjects such as mathematics and civics, and even more striking is that the school boasts thirty two quintillion students.

But our reporters discovered the usual host of irregularities that seem to accompany this self appointed Grand Rabbi, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, in all of his dealings with State and Federal agencies.

For instance, we noticed that questions on the "Stenderd Test far Achivement" included:

1) What is the greatest accomplishment of the Great Society of Lyndon Baines Johnson:

Answer: By him it became for us easy to get welfare and food-stemps.

2) What is the leading cause of serious injury among teenagers?

Answer: It is when a girl is going out badly dress or a boy is playing with daughters of the Rebbe or the Rosh Yeshiva and our Modesty Squad is beating them in a pulp.

3) What were the causes of the Spanish Inquisition?

The hitherto peaceful and tolerant Muslim rulers of Spain decided to expel the Zionists from their midst after Herzl's Altneuland came out in Spanish.

Needless to say, only correct answers were submitted and every "Schmoigerstudent" scored a perfect 100% on all tests ostensibly taken.

Apparently, this is part of an attempt by Rabbi Schmoigerman to obtain government funding for his most probably nonexistent school network by taking advantage of the new American spirit of multiculturalism in order to define his own standards. 

Rabbi Schmoigerman, in his usual obvious and blatant style, has found and exploited a loophole in the law which allowed him or his employees to write their own standardized tests and to evaluate them accordingly. Terabytes upon terabytes of computer data, containing perfect answers to standardized tests by students whose names represent every ethnic group known to man, have been sent to the education authorities of all 50 states as well as to the US Department of Education.

And Grand Rabbi Schmoigerman, protected as he is by his status of permanent insanity and the recognition of his independent community by Iran, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, The Islands of Microcephalus, and the EU, admits all - and remains free and unprosecuted.

Rabbi Schmoigerman: "Listen, I look and I say, why not I have yet tried get fundink from Department fin Education? I gets fin all the other departments and meantimes I is havink in my school system a kvintillion of hyliger neshummes (souls) fin alle chugim, chassidish, litvish, sfardish, misnagdish, yeshivish, rebbish, katolisch, protestantish, hinduish, paganish end all der anderer..i mean, look in what else school sistem you iz findink a talmid named Rajesh Werczberger oder Bylie Worthington? Even myne Rebbetzin in Elketraz what has helped me write up der Englisch far'n dese tests is name Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall - Schmoigervomen because we iz multiculturel end diversified - yes we is diversified now fraudink every single possible source fin income..."

It is expected that under the No Child Will Be Smacked in the Left Side of his or her Behind program, the Schmoigerstudents will indeed qualify for financial aid thanks to these standardized test questions and answers.

However, with the Obama administration busy printing money for its planned bailout, there may not be enough ink and paper available to print the additonal currency needed for the Schmoigerman programs.

Therefore, Rabbi Schmoigerman has submitted his students' test results to the EU, and, thanks to the answer to 3) above, to Saudi Arabia's Department of Finance of World Islamic Terrorism in the hope that his gender segregated schools, which require Islamic dress for girls and Islamic morals for boys, will be considered madrassas and subsidized accordingly.


Mushkie said...

Very cute. But what happened to the NDE?

Der Shygetz said...


NDE? Is that a standardized test?

Der Shygetz said...


Ah the near death experience! All 3 posts will be ready in full within the next 24 hours IY"H. I am waiting for Rabbi Schmoigerman to wake up so I can double check the details.

Considering he eats 50 pounds of challe, and galle, and cake, and steak every Shabbos starting from Tuesday, he is most probably sound asleep until tomorrow morning :).