Wednesday, October 07, 2009

A Creedmoorer Is Excused From Jury Duty


Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman was surprised to receive a summons for Jury Duty addressed to his phantom twenty year old son, Jose Raheem Schmoigerman. Jose Raheem Schmoigerman is of course registered as severely disabled, blind, mentally ill, and residing at a nonexistent address in the Bronx.

Nevertheless, the rabbi did indeed receive this summons, and given the obligations which Federal, state and local politicians have toward him, he decided to actually respond to the summons as follows:

"Azoy I em the rebbe of my son Jose Raheem (Yoisef Refoel), I am seyink once from for all dat dis boy iz very severely hendikep, most of all by dat which he never really iz existink and has only a geforged birth sertifiket. Thereby, if you are ever wantink again myne block from 150 kvintilyin registered voterz in your pocket, you are please to revoke from Mr Jose Raheem Schmoigerman, also spelled Yosef Refoel Schmoigerman, and about 10 different ways more on each from his welfare certificates, from any possibility to do jury duty in any State or Federal jurisdiktyen!"

When clerks in the Justice Department read this letter, they instead marked the Schmoigerman file as "Non Compos Mentis," which was just as acceptable to the grand rabbi as it meant that his phantom son would have his phantom mental illness recognized by yet another government office.

Schmoigerman pere, who was planning a levaye for his son should his nonexistence have indeed been improved by the Justice Department, instead announced that his son would lead the flag burning at tonight's Simchas Byse HaSkilo which commemorates the ninth night of the Anti-Zionist festival of Sukkos d'Creedmoor.


brianna said...

Sheer brilliance as usual.

Keep up the good work.

You know the sad part is that the fictional Rabbi Schmoigerman is more deserving of a Nobel Prize in Economics than Obama is of the Nobel Peace Prize. Unless of course getting Gates and a white cop to drink a beer together qualifies.

Der Shygetz said...


Thanks and so nice to hear from you again! Hope you're doing great!

Yes, der Admou"r created a phantom economy whereas Obama did nothing for peace except moving toward preventing it in the Middle East and Afghanistan!