Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sukkos and Preparations for Sukkos In Creedmoor


This year, the procedures for Sukkos in Creedmoor are as follows:

Sale of 10 day insurance policies to cover sukkahs will begin today, 56790 Menachem Av 5708 according to the Creedmoorer calendar.

This year, we are pleased to offer mehudar insurance policies from our very own insurance policy groves in Palermo, Sicily. These policies cover fire and all other forms of damage and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman as the main beneficiary. All other insurance policies are considered posul this year, especially those issued by any insurance company which is tainted by the timas hatzioinis.

In addition, your choice of dalet minim (representing the arba misois byse din to which we are zoiche) will be available at specially elevated prices. This year we offer either a stone-matchbook-knife-rope set for 6789 food shtempelach, or a stone-lighter-sword-bungee cord set for 9876 food shtempelach. Our take out food department will operate as usual during the sale of dalet minim, and this year we proudly offer polystyrene resin based galle, from polystyrene plants harvested in Eretz Hakoidesh Iran. In addition, those of our nshei chayil who need a new burqa for the chag may be taken advantage of by our Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and her staff of custom tin foil burqa weavers, who will custom fit burqas and charge accordingly. Remember that this year, we do not allow any woman to visit Creedmoor unless she covers her eye slits, so please be prepared to replace your burqa at the entrance to the Creedmoor Sukkos Expo if it does not meet the new higher standards of the Creedmoor Chumra Club.

Sale of kerosene will begin only on Tzioinish Simchas Torah so that the kerosene need not be stored over the period during which the sukkah is standing for insurance inspection. Our kerosene this year is from the Iranian state petroleum corporation and is certified noki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis by Kvoid Kedishas Ayatollah Hashemi Rafsanjani himself. We also have a supply of aged Malaysian kerosene under the hashgacha of Rabbi Dr Mahathir Mohammed but this is available only to those who can prove they have burned down at least 1000 sukkahs over the past 10 years.

Finally, our Bulvanim volunteers are available for both construction and destruction of all fully insured sukkahs. They are graciously offering sukkah construction services for only 1000 food shtempelach this year, payable over a 12 month period in equal installments of 150 shtempelach.

We end by reminding all who have the demerit of participating in the Creedmoorer sukkah festivities to please construct the sukkah walls with Tzioinish flags that are defaced with a swastika. By doing this, you will be mekayem the mitzvah of burning both swastikas and Tzioinish flags, as well as showing solidarity with the true inhabitants of the Land of Israel, may it never be restored to us until we are able to witness the final redemption of our WIC cheques for tin foil shtreimlach and fake Prada tichlach.