Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel


While the Creedmoor Clearwater Cretinaceous Choir sang the new nigun "Akalel, Akalkel, Achalel, Asakel" in between the Admou"r's usual slurred and garbled words, the Admou"r announced the founding of his new kashrus agency, the Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel (KKK).

"We cannot continue to use the tzioinish spelling of Creedmoor now that the malachye hachabala of Interpol are trying to destroy all that is holy by issuing a warrant for the arrest of the nonexistent director of my holy institutions which also do not exist although they have obtained bank financing for billions. Therefore, our new organization which will ensure only the highest standards of kashrus on every plant and factory which we insure for more than its value, shall be called the KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel. We must remember that K means kosher, and three K means very kosher, super mehadrin, free of all chashash of timas haTzioinis vekol shaar marin bishin...

And we will make sure EVERY single food plant in the world, except those which use products from the tzioinish entity and do not wish to pay our fee, receive a certificate from us. That is because I hereby command that Reb Doson Shtarkerbein, the holy and exalted director of the Bulvanim squad, who will be fined eleven food stamps for his failure to attend this tish, is to enforce the terms of universal compliance with our contract through the hyliger ydei Esav.

Or in simple English, you sign a contract, you pay, you get the KKK. You don't sign a contract, you don't pay, you get a visit from Moose the mikveh guard! You are getting it now? You are understanding how we are enforcing kashrus?

And not only will we send bulvanim to any establishment which refuses a contract, we will make sure that no seller of tzioinish tarfus is metamei another ehrliche ben Yishmoel by announcing on every wall that anyone who refuses our hechsher is in chyrem, by forging the names of every rov in the world who means anything, even the tzioinim./

Only in this way can we be sure that all food sold to hyliger bnei Yishmoel who follow in our honored ways of gezel, mirma, machloikes, and pirud is kasher lemehadrin and halal lemafreya!

At the end of this announcement, the Creedmoorer Cretin Constellation Choir broke into cheers of K-K-K, and the Admou"r commanded them to wear white robes and hoods for the rest of the tish..

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