Friday, October 16, 2009

Emergency Update from Der Admou"r: Chyrem on Entertainment


(Translated from the original Kanoish dialect of Gibberish)

"How long will it take until our generation understands that the only forms of recreation acceptable to those of us who follow in the ways of our exalted forefathers Kayin, Koirach, Doson, Avirom, Bilom, all the way through the generations to our benighted and orphaned generation where my words are as dust in the wind, are those which perpetuate our exalted duties to bring machloikes and pirud into this world!

We are yet again dismayed to hear that members of our holy conflagration, which has consumed so many insured buildings in its wake yet has not brought the final redemption of all food stamps, Pathmark double coupons, or even our hyliger Machloikes Dollars, let alone Nauru Series B bonds backed by avian guano, that holy substance which sustains our hyliger kehilla, are listening to music that is of the lowest kind, that which brings forth the toeva which the koifrim of our generation refer to so brazenly as "ehrliche negine" but is in reality toieva because it is a balm to the soul and therefore influences the listener to fight against the prolongation of this Golus that we so adore and which allows us to obtain our parnosse through the holiest means of Welfare, Section 8, Medicare, heat subsidies, and insurance fraud.

Therefore, I once again reiterate that ALL MUSIC WHICH HAS WORDS THAT DO NOT PROMOTE MACHLOIKES IS OSSUR LEMEHADRIN and ANY STORE WHICH SELLS SUCH MUSIC AS WELL AS ANY HOME OR CAR IN WHICH SUCH MUSIC IS PLAYED, EVEN IF IT IS OTHERWISE HOLY IN THAT IT IS FILLED WITH CHANDELIERS PURCHASED WITH FOOD STAMPS AND PROCEEDS FROM INSURANCE FRAUD, IS IN THE STRICTEST CHEREM. I have instructed our holiest of holies, the hyliger Bulvanim modesty squad, to stand guard at ALL HOMES AND STORES and to be prepared to damage and destroy all property, life and limb belonging to those who counteract my most holy decree.

I have also instructed the hyliger chazzan, Reb Shmarya Schmendrick Schmaltzsinger, to record a new album of the most exalted niggunim of our community. The album, to be called "Machloikes, Machloikes, Machloikes," will be available at subsidized prices to any hyliger Yid who brings in one or more disks of the niggunim of toieva and at least three carats worth of diamond jewelry that is not fitting for a pas Yisroel."

Signed: Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishone deKol Dovor shebeGezel veMirmo, Baal haMachloikes d'Doirynee hoYasoim, Admou"r Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman d'Pirud Kehillos Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin Hamisragshim UVoim Leoilom Voed.

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