Friday, October 30, 2009

Special Opening Ceremony of New Creedmoorer-Oisvorfer Shul


Yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor landed in Flatbush on a tinfoil and Lego spaceship from Pluto to speak at the chanikas vesryfis habayis of the new Kehillas Koidesh Byse Esov d'Arsvary (Osvorfer or Oisvorfer) Shil on Avenue M corner of Avenue Z:

"It is with great pleasure that I accept the honor of lighting the first tzioinish flag here in this hyliger shil that recreates the avyrois of the Arsvary shil of old. It was in hyliger Arsvary that our yeshive bochurim from Szarkonosvary would find the greatest pleasures of the flesh, from pool halls to dancing girls to of course, esev hasodeh, from which the name Esov is taken.

And it is especially warming to my heart and my bank account that my dearest alternate personality, Rabbynee Mechel Osvorfer, Rabbi Mechel Menivel Schlockgesheftman, will be the arva d'rabbonon for this great and exalted shil, which will indeed live up to its name by providing a safe and fiery atmosphere in which our youth can enjoy esev hasodeh in pipes imported from the hyliger anti-Zionist mokom koidesh of Syria, and for which they can pay in food stamps, thereby avoiding all contact with the timusdige currency of the Gantze Soton, the United States fin Americhke.

I now light the first tzioinish flag in honor of those of my Chassidim who are now living with mesiris nefesh in Otisville and Fort Dix, for the crimes of daring to resist the evil and iniquitous tax and legal system of the criminal tzionish regime which runs the Gantze Soton fin Americhke. I will first fill the tzioinish flag with a large amount of the esev hasodeh, which I have ensured is from our beloved friends in Venezuela and not from Americhkan or other tzioinish growers, and I ask all to inhale the fumes of the gitte sryfoh along with me as we elevate the much reviled Esov, hated only for his opposition to that tzioini Yankel who was his brother in flesh but who was not even fit to lick his heel, to the highest, highest highs!"

With that, the Admou"r, assisted by his loyal and very elevated Alcatrazer Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerwoman, filled a paper tzionish flag with much esev hasodeh, and each one smoked one end. Then, they passed the great combination of Esov and tzionis around, requesting donations of finf tolar for each puff. Finally, when the flag and its contents were consumed, the Admou"r dedicated the shil with a true sryfos habayis, in which he soaked several tzionish flags with kerosene and threw them on top of the new aroin (consisting of a PlayStation console and television screen). As the crowd ran out, Reb Mechel called the new gabbai of the shil, recently appointed fire marshal Gitman Sryferman, to pronounce it a "gitte sryfo" for insurance purposes.

The ceremony concluded with the arrival of a special minyan of insurance company representatives, each of whom received the tolars collected at the chanikas habayis tish that of course were well smoked with the smoke of esev hasodeh. Each representative was given a gift of even more esev hasodeh wrapped in a small flag as soon as he signed off on the proper insurance reports.

The Admou"r and his Rebbetzin then boarded their spacecraft once again for Pluto, where the Admou"r will soon be revealing the rest of his yichus breef as well as his yellow and brown Jockey briefs at the continuation of his hyliger Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka.

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