A New Creedmoorer Yeshiva

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is pleased to announce the opening of "Yeshivas Creedmoor for Ba'alay Avyros."

Here is an excerpt from the dedication of the Nishtazoygutnick Campus of the Yeshiva, which took place yesterday as part of the general Golus Day celebrations:

The Admou"r sheyirfa"sh (sheyihye lo refuah sheleima):

"We will attract all of the biggest problem cases from every yeshiva in the US, Canada, Europe and the Zionist entity - the ones who are not satisfied with achieving the status of naval birshus hatorah, but rather those who have the courage to commit the greatest avyros on a regular basis - gezel, genayve, gilui arayos - we will take only talmidim with the worst midos and encourage them to develop these midois for the benefit of the klal. After all, tzibur = tzaddikim, beinoinim vereshoim. Not everyone can be a tzaddik; most are beinoinim - but EVERYONE can be a rosho. And our reshoim, our talmidim, our koilel yingerleit, will show the way. We will fill the cells of Sing Sing, the exercise yards of Dannemora, the showers of Leavenworth, the golf courses of Lompoc, with our Creedmoorer yeshiva graduates; we will make sure that the tzibur is guaranteed a supply of reshoim for the next fifty generations, chas vesholom we should be redeemed from this great Golus before then!

No longer will Belz, or Lubavitch, or Ger, or Satmar, or Zichron someone or other yeshivo get the credit for the reshoei amecho. Instead, we Creedmoorer Chassidim will beam with pride when the headlines scream: "Creedmoorer yeshiva graduate is convicted of gross fraud." Even if our talmidim remain faithful to the wrong and misguided minhagim of their fathers, yes, even if they remain Zionists or Agidists, we will claim them as our own, for they have studied in the dalet amois hatuma d'Creedmoor, and the chatzrois of Thoraziniya. We, Creedmoor, were given the hyliger task of supplying the reshoim of the tzibur, and we will go forth with that task until we are one thousand per cent sure we have created enough of a chilul hashem to fully and completely prevent the arrival of Moshiach and the end of this Golus."

The great tzaddik Sholam Weiss, who is presently dedicating eight lifetimes and then some to tshuva, has endorsed our hyliger yeshiva by donating the contents of his secret bank account in Switzerland to our cause. However, his agent, Mohammed someone or other, has asked for an advance fee of 10000 (thurtee thowzend) dollars in order to transfer the account to us. We therefore ask all friends of Creedmoor, all who want to be sure that the tzibur remains a tzibbur by ensuring a supply of reshoim, to donate one or more SSI cheques to the Yeshiva Fund in order that we can pay this advance fee.