Friday, August 05, 2005

"The Most Brazen Act of Arson I Have Ever Seen!"

Controversial Rabbi Burns Down his Own Synagogue
by Isaac Weisbaer
Community Affairs Bureau Chief, BS Press

Last night at midnight, Rabbi David Shmoigerman, known to many as the "Admour meCreedmoor," called 911 to report a fire in his makeshift synagogue, located in D-ward, a group of abandoned buildings on the grounds of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in Belle Harbor, Queens.

According to call transcripts, the call came in at 11.59 PM as follows:

Shmoigerman: "Tell me, s'iz nine-eleven? I just gebrent mayn shil!"

Operator: "This is emergency services. How may I help you?"

Shmoigerman: "Send please to me at D-ward in Creedmoor a fire marshal and two inspectors. I need please a report for mayn insurance, dat's Etna - A-E-T-N-A, in A-I-G, in oichet Allstet - A-L-L-S-T-A-T-E."

Operator: "Where is the fire located? We do not list any streets with the names you just gave us."

Shmoigerman: "In Creedmoor. The meshigge hoys"

Operator: "Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital? Are you a physician or health care worker?"

Shmoigerman: "Nayn: Ich bin fin D-ward a resident. D-ward towers - they zenen empty, behind the pond. I live dorten mit Klaynshmuk and Ferdganver they should live and be well!"

Operator: "We will handle this immediately"

Indeed, it was handled immediately. Medical teams from the official, operating wards of Creedmoor arrived in D-ward to investigate. The teams, led by Drs Ramesh Singh Budhu and Koo Sum Ak, knew the situation well. No sooner did they arrive than a call went out to the NYFD asking for a fire marshal to be dispatched to D-ward.

The marshal, James Benton, was shocked at what he saw: "The rabbi just thrusted a sheaf of insurance policies at me - one from Aetna, another from AIG, a third from Allstate, a fourth from Generali, and finally a fifth from Axa. He showed me that he was the beneficiary of all policies, and that they covered malicious arson by any person diagnosed as clinically insane. Of course, Shmoigerman is clinically insane - he lives in Creedmoor and walks around in garbage bags and tin foil. How could anyone write such a policy? This is the most brazen act of arson I have ever seen - the rabbi actually admitted that he burnt down the building to collect on his five policies. Never mind that he does not own a single one of the properties - but somehow he proved that he does. I had no choice but to fill out all the papers he asked for - he is covered because every single policy covers damage by mentally ill arsonists. Then he actually offered me 300 dollars and a box of cigars, and gave me a blessing that I should have children that convert and become his followers! This rabbi is something else - I have always had warm dealings with the Jewish people over in Kew Gardens Hills, but this rabbi is nothing like them! He has ten different names and fourteen different social security numbers - he's crazy like a fox. "

The Admou"r's long time psychiatrist, Dr Koo Sum Ak, commented: "Rabbi very nice man. He very crazy too. He take Thorazine go flush flush. He take Haldol go flush flush. He give me good cigar. He give me extra money when I need it. I certify he nutscase. He stays Creedmoor. We all happy."

Further investigation showed that Dr Ak received his medical diploma from the "Central Market Hall, Pyongyang, North Korea, Goat Division." He has been under Board of Health review for over 15 years, with no action whatsoever having been taken on his file.

Insurance experts expect that Rabbi Shmoigerman will indeed collect on his multiple policies, in full, but that he will not be able to obtain further coverage after the payout.

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