The Great 9 Av Celebration in Creedmoor

Of course, golus began with the burning of the beis hamikdash. Therefore, Creedmoor celebrated the beginnings of golus by burning yet another facility - the Admou'r's residence! Yes - the Admou"r, assisted by his able and trusty favourite entertainer and title agent Abishnormal Farschimeltbrot, transferred the entire Building A complex of D-ward from the State of New York to himself for the sum of one dollar and five WIC cards. Farschimeltbrot's connections in the corridors of power (mainly Sing Sing) meant that the transfer was recorded with lightning speed, and then the famous Hymie Ganvetberger - Hymie the Hymisher Fire Adjuster - of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor forged a NYS insurance broker's licence so as to be able to write a dozen or so "Creedmoor" policies - that is, policies which stipulate payment in the event of vandalism by a mentally ill person or persons. A month's payment was wired to each of the companies by means of a series of fraudulent credit card transactions - and the festivals could begin.

At 8.45 PM, certified Iraqi crude aged 10 years (The Admou"r's Special Reserve) was poured over the entire first floor of Building A. Then, the Admou"r recited Asher Yatzar and sang the Neturei Karta fight song, and Mendy Klynesmuk lit a match and threw it into the building. The smell of melting polystyrene padding was sickening, but nevertheless, joyous dances and singing of "Ashrynee, Ashrynee, Ashrynee, Sheonu Reshoim" continued throughout the night as cakes made from Creedmoor flour (plaster from Ramallah) were passed to all bystanders including psychiatrists and fire marshals.

Then, the Admou"r had a special yechidis with Hymie the Hymisher Fire Adjuster, Groinem Nishtgeferlachman the solvents dealer, Yankel Schnellgezel, the renowned expediter, and three fire marshals - 3 hours later he emerged from his office in Building B of D-ward with all necessary documents. A special nigun "Zai Gebensched NYFD" was composed by Reb Abishnormal Farschimeltbrodt and presented by Chozzer (Chazzan Roshe) Lipman Schmaltzherring, both of whom were eidim for the insurance documents.

The highlight of the ceremony came when the Admou"r asked Haham Rahamim Alav Loyashar to read the Megillas 9 Av - that is to say, the insurance papers. All present danced and clapped their hands when the Haham got to the amounts of each policy - ten million dollars, twelve million dollars, fifteen million dollars, twenty million dollars...up to the total of ONE HUNDRED MILLION dollars!

While other press organs are calling this the fraud of the century, the Admou"r referred to it as "Inzerer Nitzochoin" - the victory of Creedmoorer Chassidim over the Zionist insurance companies.

For the time being, the Admou"r will be receiving guests in the third shower stall of the Kiryas Naye Creedmoor beis medrash, also known as the former Creedmoor occupational therapy or basket weaving center.