Thursday, August 18, 2005

Controversial Chassidic Group Opens New Rabbinical Court

Queens (BSP): The "Congregation of Meaningless Hatred of the Faithful of Creedmoor" is probably one of the most extreme and isolationist ultra-Orthodox communities in New York, if not in the entire world. Now, the controversial rabbi of this community, which is esconced in the pastoral fields of the abandoned sections of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, and which has recently been beset by a number of suspicious fires, has decided to set up a rabbinical court for the judgment and sentencing of capital cases via the Four Methods of Execution - stoning, burning, beheading and strangulation.

The new court will be called the "Arba Misois Beis Din d'Creedmoor" -"Four Methods of Execution Rabbinical Court of Creedmoor."

Grand Rabbi David Shmoigerman, known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor, has recently received a delivery consisting of boulders, lead, a smelting device, a number of swords, and over 1000 linear yards of strong rope. As the Creedmoor community is staunchly opposed to the existence of Israel, has little need for the existence of Judaism, and is indifferent to the existence of Jews per se, it insists on the importation of all religious articles from the Palestinian territories, Malaysia, Syria or Iran. Therefore, the lead and smelting device were imported from Iran, as were the swords, which are of a special sharp model used for beheading, as opposed to the standard model Iranian sword which is used for amputation of hands. The rope arrived from Malaysia, and the boulders are "certified for use in the glorious Intifadah" by the late Sheikh Ahmed Yassin of Hamas.

According to Ramzi ibn al-Kalb al-Majnouny, owner of Uncle Osama's Quick Destruction Supplies of Paterson, New Jersey, the freight forwarder and import agent who handles Creedmoor's rather large monthly shipments: "I only wish he would import bomb making material ya habibi alhamdullah kous uhtak al-Yahud, because then I could take wallak 10 per cent off the top and he'd never know - imagine what I could do with that!"

In the meantime, Grand Rabbi Shmoigerman has sent the following press release regarding his new rabbinical court:

"It is clear that we are so much better off as hyliger Creedmoorer Chassidim in golus rather than chas vesholom in the Zionist entity under the leadership of the worst of the Zionist leaders, the King Moshiach. But, we as ba'alay avyros - as sinners - long for the days when the Four Methods of Execution - in our dialect of Yiddish we pronounce them skiing, surfing, hanging and hurting - were meted out. Since there is no Sanhedrin, we have come to the realisation that we can carry out these punishments as we wish. Just let anyone enter these grounds to check on our eligibility for SSI, and he will be judged and sentenced to whichever 2 of the 4 methods are available on any given day of the week."

A noted rabbi whom we interviewed regarding this court stated unequivocally that it has no basis whatsoever in Jewish law, and that Rabbi David Schmoigerman has been excommunicated by most mainstream Jewish scholars and communities.

Rabbi Schmoigerman replied: "Let him say that to my face. We'll burn him, stone him, hang him and then cut off his sorry head." A psychiatrist listening to the conversation arrived on the scene with a large syringe, the contents of which he injected into the Grand Rabbi's arm. At that point, any further comments made by the Grand Rabbi were unintelligible........

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