Monday, August 08, 2005

A newer one from

The Va'ad ho'Ir of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor is pleased to announce the availability of one hundred new housing units in our thickly padded development. These cramped one bedroom dwellings are available at a subsidised monthly rental to those who agree to meet our criteria for dwelling in our hyliger kohol, as follows:

1) All residents must sign a ksav hispasrus to Kvoid Kedeishas Addledaynee, Moronaynee veRabidaynee of Creedmoor, and must agree to give 30% of all income as maymid to the Rebbe Zechusoi Yogain Olov.

2) All residents must adhere to Creedmoor standards of kashrus. Since we do not have the knowledge necessary to accept any edible food products, only styrofoam, cardboard and pork rinds may be served in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor homes.

3) All residents MUST obtain a Section 8 rent subsidy, which is turned over to the Va'ad Ho'Ir along with full rent. A 20% refund will be given on all section 8 payments within 6 months of receipt.

4) Our kohol is one of cooperation and volunteerism. To this end, we have several volunteer projects, all of which must be undertaken by all residents.

They include:

Mishmar Avonim - throwing of stones at cars which wish to enter our shtodt without permission.

Children are urged to participate in the Mishmar Shygetz Aroys, which warns passersby that they are not welcome in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor unless on official business or coming to be mevaker cholei nefashos the Admou"r.

Mishmeres Tzniis - making sure that all women and girls over the age of three are wearing burqas AT ALL TIMES when living in or even visiting our community.

G'mach Burqa - Our women are mandatorily encouraged to participate in sewing extra burqas for chassune guests, women who come to shop at stores run by our licenced jewelry and electronics fences, etc.

Va'ad Sreyfo - Assists our businessmen in setting places of business or merchandise ablaze; makes sure that the Wankapoo Fire Department issues reports as WE see fit, to the praise and glory of our Admou"r. ONLY approved solvents may be used for this purpose; the Gabboim of the Kohol are the ONLY source for "shemen mischas koidesh" a/k/a acetone and toluene produced under the strict hashgocho protis of the Arba Misos Beis Din d'Creedmoor Kashrus Division.

5) All children must be educated in the Creedmoor Sinos Chinom Yeshiva System or the Beis Izevel girls' school and seminary. Sending a child to learn in another community is grounds for expulsion from Kiryas Naye Creedmoor.

6) When a Bas Creedmoor reaches the age of 16, she must be presented to the Admou"r. If the Admou"r sees fit, he will bentsch the Bas Creedmoor and welcome her to yechidus, which in other kehillos is mistakenly defined as yichud.

7) All who daven in our shil shul must recite "Shygetz Aroys" seven times after each davening. Failure to do so more than once a month is grounds for malkos. Malkos more than 10 times in any given year is grounds for a kish in tuches. A kish in tuches more than twice in any given year is grounds for membership in the Beis Feygele remedial shiurim network.

8) Rabbi Groinem Shepsilshafter is the ONLY candidate for Mayor of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. Anyone attempting to run against him will be ejected from our kohol. He has the right to decide who will be running with him as the ONLY candidates for Va'ad Ho'ir/Village Council.

9) All Yiddish spoken must be pronounced in the manner of the strictest Kanoi communities, and davening in our 2 main shil shuls follows this pronunciation. is a good introduction to Creedmoor pronunciation; however we pronounce Hashem as HaShame because our goal is to be a bisha veklima lekoil hodoiros!Those who really want to daven like a pushtak ars shawarma vendor in the Tahana Hamerkazit may do so within the confines of the Frenkel DeLuxe Sefardi Synagogue, under the leadership of Haham Haldol Rahamim Loyashar and boasting a porcelain water cooled aron koidesh, donated by Dweck for Abidun Kiddie Shops and its owner, Jackie "Dreckface" Dweck.

10) Anyone who really wants to live in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor is AUTOMATICALLY eligible for SSI, because only someone who is zeyr shtark meshigge will be accepted into our kohol.

Rabbi Groinem Shepsilshafter, Mayor, Kiryas Naye Creedmoor

Yaisef Kesef Ganvetman, Member of Village Council

Dosan Toitboim, Member of Village Council

Benzaine Stagnantwater, President of the Board fin Gresser Gvirim fin Kiryas Naye Creedmoor

Haham Rahamim Alav Loyashar, Haham Haldol of Creedmoor and Liaison for Government Entitlement Programs.

1 comment:

brianna said...

Love the rules of Creedmore. :)