Sunday, August 07, 2005

And another one from Usenet - Yom Ha'Atzmaut in Creedmoor

Drs Ranjit Singh and Prasad Patel were just plain out of luck. Dr Michael Weinberg, the Admour me'Creedmoor's private physician, is in Israel this week, as both he and his wife have strong ties to Israel, and visit the Jewish State every year at Yom Haatzmaut.

Therefore, when the Admou"r asked for permission to use the dayroom to "observe a Jewish day of mourning," the two natives of Calcutta who were entrusted with the care of the Admou"r gave their permission without even thinking twice. (Had Weinberg been there, he would have of course denied the Admou"r dayroom privileges for the entire week.) As you will see, they later regretted their decision.

Yom Haatzmaut at Kehillas Creedmoor began with the blowing of the shofar in memory of "the Jewish souls who were destroyed by the evil Zionists." A special baal tokea, Shmiel*, better known and classified as "Shlemiel," was brought in from Inzerheim, a residence for the developmentally disabled in Monroe, NY. (He is employed as a clown who cheers up the unfortunate patients in Inzerheim with his antics; even they ridicule him. They do not realize that it is only overcrowding and lack of funds that keep their favorite comedian out of Creedmoor.)

While Shmiel blew on his plastic shofar, Goldman read aloud the names of various Zionist leaders, and followed each one with the Yiddish words "Er is tiff, tiff in drerd" (He is deep, deep in hell). Warren Losey led the Creedmoorer Choir with a musical response, delivered rectally, after each "er is ..." A special verse was recited in honor of Golda Meir; "Di Tsionishe Zoinah shtippt mit Ben-Zoinan oichet in drerd..zeyre tiff tiff." After this verse, Losey disrobed and relieved himself on the floor, as did Elvis and Napoleon.

Then, all of the Chassidim joined their Admou"r in donning sackcloth and ashes. In this case, plastic garbage bags were used, and the ashes, prepared by Losey over the past month, were rather brown in color and had a very distinctive odor. All present placed the ashes on their heads, and cut holes in the top of the garbage bags so as to be able to wear them.

Maariv began with the recitation of the Yom Haatzmaut prayer "Kush Mayn Tuches." In this prayer, composed and recited by the Admou"r himself, the Chassidim dress up as Zionists of old (as if Zionists ever wore garbage bags), and at the recitation of the words "Un Alle Tsionisten Ken Kushen Mayn Tuches (after the names of the Israeli political parties)," they besiege their rebbe's posterior en masse! The Admou"r surprised his congregation by cancelling the rest of the Maariv service, saying that the mockery of Zionism is equal to the holiest of prayers!! He did, however, say the Kedusha (at Maariv when it is usually not said), in a rather unusual version. He described how the angels told Hashem.....Evil, Evil, Evil is Zionism...Zionism is the evil of all evils.

A seudas yom ra was held. As is done before Tisha Be'Av, eggs were dipped into ashes. Again, the ashes were exceptionally brown and foul smelling. Nevertheless, all present ate the eggs However, only Losey was willing to recite a special kiddush over Clorox so as to "bleach Klal Yisroel of the sins of Zionism." Then, the Admou"r ordered his Chassidim to throw their daily dose of medications in a basin, as "it is better to be insane and not to know of the holiday of the evil Zionists." He also gave a horrendous drash in which he used gematriya to connect Yom Haatzmaut with the birth of Hitler YM"S due to the unfortunate coincidence of the two dates this year. Needless to say, his drash made no sense whatsoever.

As the Admou"r closed his tish with Yerushalayim shel ha-Tachat and the "New Hatikvah," Dr Ranjit Singh arrived at the prayer service. Realizing that he had been deceived, and nearly keeling over from the odor that was worse than any open sewer back in Calcutta, he sorted out everyone's medications, and ensured that each Chassid took a proper dose. As for Goldman, he was once again denied dayroom privileges for a month. Unfortunately, the computer-illiterate physician was unable to figure out how to block the Admou"r's internet privileges, and his request for technical assistance was lost in the bureaucracy. Therefore, the show on SCI and SCJ goes on as usual......

*Shmiel was a short-lived Usenet troll who claimed to be a Satmarer. Most likely, this was Goldman playing with another account.

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