Monday, June 08, 2009

87,679,098 Souls Resurrected After Epidemic in Creedmoor!


It has indeed been confirmed that 87,679,098 souls were resurrected Friday morning in Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, also known as "Perud Kehillos Anshei Domim veMirmo and Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor".

However, what is remarkable about this apparent miracle performed by the renowned Admou"r meCreedmoor of dubious repute and low moral character is that each entity was registered for every imaginable Federal and State entitlement program, and that each identity was shown as owning huge swaths of residential and commercial property in latitudes and longitudes that show as being in the Atlantic Ocean.

And the mystery grows deeper, as each resurrected soul has a slightly different name than it had before its death certificate was issued for "Schmoigerman Influenza type BBA89C" or "Acute Dutch Elm Disease, Human Variant". Never mind that neither disease is known to most clinicians, but the discrepancies in the new birth certificates do not back up the claim of resurrection made by the Creedmoor spiritual leader, whose own registered name of Dovid Schmoigerman does not match any birth certificate.

A Federal investigator informed us that there is only one explanation for the latest phenomenon. Fraud.

And Schmoigerman, proclaimed clinically insane in the US and recognized as the leader of an independent country by the EU, is not prosecutable.

On the other hand, the Obama administration will now have an excuse to print even more money and increase the scope of the stimulus plan, for there are now 87,679,098 more people registered for welfare programs. In addition, while some of the victims of the epidemic were originally registered with ages as low as four months, all of the resurrected souls are of voting age now or will be in 2010 or 2012.

Therefore, we can expect no investigation whatsoever by the Obama administration. In fact we have confirmed that various emergency subsidies are being transferred to the accounts of these resurrected souls at present, with regular monthly subsidy payments to commence at the beginning of July.

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