Sunday, June 28, 2009

Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor, Part 2 - Reb Mechel Groszgrub


Klara Kosinska sold her purloined silver via Mechel Groszgrub, a bent, round little man who had an odd looking picture up on the wall of his small, dirty Borough Park jewelry, silver and gem store.

Not one piece of merchandise in the Groszgrub store was of legitimate origin, and that could be chalked up to the proprietor's devotion to the man in the picture. The subject of the photograph, certainly among the eighty tzaddikim who were the subject of talk in many a mikveh and on Purim, was wearing an orange trash bag over his red silk dress, and a tin foil on his head.

Yes, Mechel Groszgrub was one of perhaps three or four actual, non-phantom followers of the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, and at present the only one who did not reside on either the Creedmoor or Alcatraz campus of the Creedmoorer yeshiva and related enterprises.

Groszgrub had actually been prosecuted no fewer than ten times for arson and insurance fraud, and each time he managed to produce legitimate diagnoses of pyromania, which meant that in the liberal atmosphere of the New York and Federal courts of law, he could be sentenced only to restitution and psychiatric counseling. Restitution was indeed duly paid by Reb Mechel, from the proceeds of welfare and section 8 scams in which payments were issued to him under the names of his tenants. Those phantom tenants were registered as living in uninhabitable apartments which were actually kept vacant and warehoused in his rows and rows of slum apartments in the roughest parts of Brooklyn and the Bronx. That in turn allowed him access to many renovation loans from Government agencies which he took via phantom companies that were bankrupted a few months after loan proceeds reached their accounts.

He had even accepted a sentence of six months of inpatient treatment in the hallowed and also largely vacant halls of Pilgrim State Psychiatric Hospital, where he nearly was able to establish a Chassidic court to rival that of Creedmoor, so brazen and successful were his Medicaid, welfare and medical billing scams.

Groszgrub was actually very jealous of his supposed Rebbe, and found in his best supplier, Klara Kosinzka, a possible way to not only surpass the Admou"r but also to defraud him. If Groszgrub would prove able to defraud Schmoigerman, it would be only a matter of time before all 150 quintillion phantom Chassidim of the Admou"r would follow him instead.

Now, with Klara on his side, Reb Mechel was sure he could become the greatest of phantom Admou"rim overnight. However, the first obstacle was that Klara had to become his Rebbetzin, and for this she needed conversion to Judaism, Creedmoor style.

1 comment:

Der Shygetz said...


This is a 4 part series, for the sake of formatting and avoiding overly long post.

I should have parts 3 and 4 up by 7 PM EST at the latest IY"H.