If dey exist nisht, den dey ochet ken't breathe....

"Look from dis, Prunepit! Dey gives free respiretory ekvipment to patients from Medikare ver ken't breathe... Tell to me, myne Chassidim, if dey exist nisht, den dey oichet ken't breathe, right?"

Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call SchmoigerWOMAN of Alcatraz was in another dimension, where breathing was optional in any event when she heard her husband the Admou'r shreaking with delight at the possibility of yet another Medicare scam. But even she was not prepared for the amazing chutzpah of the Admou"r, who actually decided to call the Department of Health and Somewhat Human Services to check the eligibility of his patients for various types of breathing apparati.

"Hello! Dis de Department fin Helt of the Zionist States fin Americhke?"

"Yes, dis be da Department of Health an'Human Services. Dis be Shigella speaking! How can I be helpin' you today?"

"I heve in myne nursink home eppes eighty nine trillion patients who ken't breathe vidout oxygen mesks. How I ken get dem oxygen? Alles zenen on Medicare!"

"Eighty-nine TRILLION! Load, dis be MAH day! I waz gonna get my butt fire' from here kuz de boss man say I ain't doin' enuf appLEEkayshunz! Now I'z gonna get me a PRO-moshun!"

"Vutz more I give to you a fifty tousend doller check if you getz all from my patients der oxygen! Dat's enuf for you to retire to sunny Sen Kventin!"

"Yeaaah, praize be da Load! I'z gonna retire wi'my bonus an' my check from you! Now, what be dere names?"

"Dey dozen't heve names. Kuz dey dozen't exist! But you want to know from what names we register dem for welfare? Take der phone book, put Leroy, den Reggie, den Lakeesha, den Broooche, den Yoiel, den Gimpel in front from every femily name end mach a metch mit your computer rekerds.."

(Little did Ms Shigella Johnson know that her benefactor wanted large supplies of oxygen so that he could "make a metch" on several unoccupied slum buildings in all 50 states, which somehow had deeds in the name of "Creedmoor Beneficient Society" for insurance purposes only.

"Hey, dat gonna take me a LONG time, man!"

"Det's OK. I doesn't need da oxygen far no patients nohow. Maybe you heve eppes a boyfriend who sells crack?"

"Mah son Leroy got himself 2 Cadillac Sclades an' a Land Cruiser. I doesn't know what he sell' but it be bad, man!"

"You got maybe his phone number? I ken buy him 2 more Sclades to drive around Leavenworth if he do from what I is esking!"

"Yeh, sure. Tell him to give his mama a hand!"

So the Admou"r meCreedmoor called Leroy Washington of Watts, Los Angeles, California, a San Quentin alumnus with a record that stretched far longer than his six foot seven inch body...

"So mama gonna give me oxygen and I throws it in yo' bildings! Dat'z kool."

"Yo, and den I farkoif dir a naye Sklade you can drive in der projects in Leavenworth!"

And the tale ended quite sadly for Leroy, who ended up trying to imitate an Islamic suicide terrorist by driving his car, loaded with oxygen tanks, into the Schmoigerman Manor Nursing Home in Watts. Leroy, as high as a kite on speed, managed only to severely injure himself and merit an arrest for attempted arson and destruction of city property. Meanwhile, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Anti-Zionist People's Republic of Creedmoor presented a bill for damage to his property to the UN and EU as well as to Generali, Axa, Aetna, Allstate and AIG.

Score: Schmoigerman 50 million - Washington 0.

And needless to say, Ms Shigella Johnson was summarily fired, and did not receive any compensation whatsoever from Schmoigerman's Fund.

Schedule for New Jewish Year

Due to other, more serious, committments, I will not have much time to blog here. Still, I will try to post at least once a month, and Creedmoor type material will appear from time to time on http://www.frumspace.com as "Not Quite the Frumspace News" or similar in Yiddish.

In the meantime, join me in a most definitely non-Creedmoor venture by checking out http://www.amillioninsix.com daily for inspiration and mutual financial success.

Creedmoor Puts Neturei Karta in Cherem

From now to eternity it should be known det der Neturei Karta, led by der reshoim Scheiss, drecque, Friedbrain, end kompany iz in zeyr a gresser chyrem! We of der K'hal Sinas Chinam d'Creedmoor Gezel veMirma Kiddush Club are alveyz very kareful to burn der Tzioini fleg only in kerosene soaked verehouses - dis way we are making big gelt every time ve iz burnink der fleg. Deze narronim iz burnink dem outside on der street end making fin demselves stoopid foolz.

Derfar, we put into CHYREM all of der members (24 1/2 at last count) from the so kallt Neturei Karta and we wish to dem dat dey do tshuve by burnink bildings instead from flegs. Dis is meanink dat we will no longer buy from der Ladies Auxiliary fin Neturei Karta no more hand sewn Zionist flegs; in fekt we make dem now fin paper imported fin Malayzia so dey burn faster.In addition, ve have kanseled our order of misspellt protest posters from dem and now we make our own sayink "Burnink Hevily Insured Bildinks iz a Mitzveh and Helps to End der Zionest Imperialist State!"

(Original is signed by no fewer than 89561564985913519685169965494951 multiple personalities, every single one of them recently registered for the British dole as well as for American welfare and yes, Zionist Bituah Leumi!)

Der Admou"r is Wishink to All A Dreckisher Zionist New Year

"It is from me to take dis opportunity to wish all who is darkened by der Tzioinis and is still usink der Tzioini kelender a truly dreckish Tzioini new year. A shnas skila, sreyfo, hereg, chenek, malkos, kareis, knas, chyrem, nidui far all Tzioinim. Dis is not from us inzerer New Year - dis year we is selebratink Chinese - but still I am wishink to all from our Chassidim a yohr filt mit welfare, Section 8, disability, insurance payouts, SSI, Medikaid in alle gitte zachen!"

-Der Admou'r meCreedmoor.

Creedmoor will return after Tzom Gedaliah with full information on the Admou"r's exploits on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

Meet Benzine Gross, Resident of Otisville Federal Kollel

This morning I visited Otisville Federal Kollel, a/k/a Glatt Kosher Club Fed. To read more, click on this link: http://www.frumspace.com/forums/index.php?s=&showtopic=3322&view=findpost&p=56646

Der Admou"r Offers Asylum to Bucky Phillips

Press Release: Creedmoor News Agency:

"Azoy vi ich bin der Rov fin der gresser asylum in shtodt New York, ich vil gibn asylum tzi der Amerikanisher hero Bucky Phillips! Bucky Phillips iz a soldat in der milchome aggenst der Zionishtisher government fin New York Stete in oichet fin Americhke.

This vay I ken gostrite far him a book af English in oichet af Hymish far'n der Artskroll crowd, end make a millyen dollers fin Barns end Noble un ten toizent food shtemps fin der Judaike stores in Brooklyn vus is sellink Inglish Judaike books det arent ritten half ez good from mine!"

Psychiatrist Budhu Gheekabob, who translated the press release from Hymish to Hindi, explained that occasionally der Admou"r really does take some medication so that he can continue to maintain his insane status. He confirmed that said medication is known as Everclear and is strong both in taste and in effect. He also confirmed that it is illegal in New York State, but that many of der Admou"r's multiple personalities reside in New Jersey, and they purchase it for him. He neither confirmed nor denied rumors that der Admou"r in turn resells it as Kois shel Shecht'em Oon A Brooche for 50 - 700 dollars a cup.

Shvache Meats was NEVER under Creedmoor certification

A rumor has been going around the underbelly of the Web stating that Shvache Meats of Monsey was actually a front for a Creedmoor moisad and was under Creedmoorer certification. This is fully incorrect.

Creedmoor certifies only pork loin, ostrich, and gefilte fish fried in lard. We would not go so low as to sell Zionist chicken as kosher. We are proud of doing everything we can to promote gezel vemirma, and we do so openly!

We in fact proclaim that Shvache Meats of Monsey, NY was and is a Zionist organization, and that its owner is thereby subject to the punishments befitting those who support the Zionist entity. He has a place waiting for him in the Ahavas Ne'arim boys choir of Creedmoor if one or more of the many people whom he cheated and gravely inconvenienced decide to render him able to sing with a very high pitched voice.

In other words, this meat mess is an example of what happens when the practices satirized in this blog get out of hand and affect the community as a whole. While everyone is tempted, and occasionally good people make bad decisions that may be illegal, there is a limit to what we can accept. When our communities tolerate dishonesty and chilul Hashem, this dishonesty comes back to haunt us both bein odom lemakoim and bein odom lachaveiroi.

Intergalactic Welfare and Section 8 (part 1)

"Look from dis! Pluto iz nisht meyr a planet! Det meanz it no longer iz belongink to the United Statez fin Americhke end we ken go in dere and take it over!" This was the extremely well informed Admou'r meCreedmoor's response to an article in Da Shiksa (the magazine of Nshei Creedmoor) which his East Coast rebbetzin, Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Cholerye (the Cholerye was added when she nearly lost her three hundred Section 8 subsidies due to an unusually alert bureaucrat who noticed several thousand discrepancies in her applications) brought him.

"OK, now we must to get subsidiez far bildink houzink units far'n the impoverished extraterrestrialz who ken no longer to get velfare end sekshin 8 from Americhke! Den ve bilds dem and sends bills tzi der United Nations, EU, der Zionist Entity, Americhke end the Jewish Federation - maybe oichet det Bill Gates foundashin now dat Buffet gave tzi dem so much gelt!"

Anything having to do with extraterrestrials had to involve not the East Coast Rebbetzin, but the illustrious West Coast Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall-Schmoigerman. Since she spent most of her time on long and short term trips that did not require a plane, let alone a rocketship, or even Tefilas Haderech, certainly she would know how to reach Pluto easily so that the Admou"r could find 8989489898421897984651564897464798789789561 extraterrestrials to settle on a 1 centimeter by 1 centimeter plot of land on his interplanetary atlas, just as his Rebbetzin managed to travel between galaxies using no vehicle other than a one centimeter by one centimeter piece of blotter paper..

(more coming tomorrow)

The Creedmoor FAQ Is Here!

Frequently Asked Questions about Creedmoor (and a Guide to Creedmoor Personalities):

1) Who or what is the Admou"r meCreedmoor?

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is one of the three star talmidim of Moshe Hirsch sheyirfash (he should have a speedy recovery), Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Disarray. The other two are Hasan Nasrkaka and Mahmoud Ahmadijendeh. Known on Usenet as David Goldman (until his virtual death on Apr 27 2004), Dovid Schmoigerman practices an odd form of Chassidus that combines a takeoff on Breslov hisbodedus (walking around Queens wearing boxer shorts three sizes too big and yelling "Shygetz Aross" at the top of his lungs), Neturei Karta fanaticism (according to the Admou"r, the Chmelnitzki pogroms of 1648 were a direct result of the proclamation of the Jewish state in 1948), and a very liberal interpretation of "loi signoiv," in which theft from Zionists, including the American government, is considered a mitzvah rather than an aveira.

2) What is the Admou"r meCreedmoor's real position on the State of Israel?

The answer is very simple - he is milking the State for all it is worth. The Admou"r has purchased a number of defunct plants throughout Israel, and assumed their payrolls. Since these plants are defunct, he uses the names of the dismissed workers, changes a letter or two, adds a few dependents, and draws unemployment and national insurance benefits for each one. All but the most corrupt and suborned Israeli bureaucrats wonder how a nation of six or seven million souls can be paying benefits to three hundred million employees of a mysterious non profit headquartered in an independent republic that shares an address with a series of run-down and closed wings of a New York State psychiatric facility located in Queens.

3) When and how did the Admou"r become an Admou"r?

Apparently, he earned his smicha the hard way - by sending 1000 empty packages of Bloom's Chewing Gum to a Post Office Box in Monroe, New York. An unidentified prankster in Monroe waited until Purim to send "Grand Rabbi Dovid Shmoigerman Shlit"a" a blank certificate showing rabbinical ordination from a defunct Cholov Yisroel dairy plant in Szarkonoszvary, Hungary.

4) What are some of the major institutions in Creedmoor?

Former Use: Children's Therapeutic Pool Present Use: Mikveh
Former Use: Basket Weaving Room Present Use: Beis Medrash Govoha
Former Use: Broom Closet Present Use: Armory for Tznius Patrols
Former Use: Toilet Present Use: Aroin Koidesh
Former Use: Computer Room Present Use: Food Stamp Printing Press
Former Use: Padded Cell Present Use: Admou"r's Yichud Room
Former Use: Cafeteria Present Use: Mehadreck Mart
Former Use: Hot Water Tank Present Use: Kerosene Storage
Former Use: Gardens and Field Present Use: Jewish Children's Misois and Malkois Museum
Former Use: Chapel Present Use: Mosque for Visiting Dignitaries

5) What is the Admou"r's Real Psychiatric Diagnosis?

Kleptomaniac and sociopath. The only reason he is voluntarily committed to Creedmoor is that he cannot face charges of grand theft, fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, and impersonation of Sholam Weiss if judged insane. In addition, if judged sane, he could face penalties as severe as election to the US Senate. His recent declaration of "The Independent Republic of the Anti-Zionist Federation of Multiple Personalities of Creedmoor" was a final and successful attempt to avoid persecution. His registry of the Sckemegegi Indian Tribe was a final and successful attempt to keep US welfare subsidies flowing into his pockets.

6) How many Creedmoor Chassidim are there?

In reality? None. The Admou"r has no living Chassidim. Creedmoor psychiatrists and janitorial staff sometimes serve as willing or unwilling shills in the Admou"r's various schemes and scams. The only other physical resident of a Creedmoor community is the Admou"r's latest Rebbetzin, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall, who resides in a state of hallucinogenic semi-consciousness at the Creedmoor West Coast Alcatraz location.

7) How many Creedmoor Chassidim show on the annals of the Chassidus?

89638947984651695849846548947895489886945620 in Creedmoor, an additional 8645198475615654945648979495642189459894 in Alcatraz, a recently added 789465168470184981489717978154549847917798781819717891 in Guantanamo Bay, and three hundred million in the Zionist Entity.

8) That adds up to a number which is far greater than the population of the entire world.

So what? They are all getting welfare, section 8, and disability and many are listed as beneficiaries of property and life insurance policies. And since Creedmoor is devoted to the destruction of the State of Israel, the UN and EU recognize the population figures as justified and verified for the purposes of granting additional aid under their joint "Aid to Corrupt Entities Which Oppose The Existence of the Zionist Entity" (ACEWOTEZE) program.

More to come before Rosh Chodesh Av: Leading Virtual Personalities of Creedmoor (Updated)

Creedmoor Conquers Guantanamo Bay!

Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall considers herself fortunate indeed to have found a new employer who is just as committed as she is to diversity and social change, to say nothing of anti-globalization and anti-imperialism - namely the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor. Of course the Admou"r was committed to certain facilities as well, but this hardly bothered Lilac Blossom, as she was ready to share in the voluntary and fictitious incarceration of her new spiritual high guru.

Like all good self appointed socially revolting activists, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall was actually born Jewish! Apparently, the family name in Europe had been Flomschafter, as the family business had something to do with sales of defective plums. So, her socially conscious and physically often unconscious (due to heavy use of LSD) mother had changed the surname to Prunepit, and McCall was simply the name of a fellow social revoltary who had possibly fathered Lilac Blossom's daughter, Peach Stone.

In fact, Miss "Most Pure Gift of the Holiest Earth Mother Peach Stone Cannabis Leaf Prunepit Blossoming Tulip Patchouli Sewer Garden Peyote McCall - Jamal - Nkogongko - X" was taken from her mother as an infant due to impossibly high levels of 2,4,D, a common garden herbicide, in her blood. When social workers and doctors alike interviewed her regarding the presence of what is commonly known as Weed-B-Gon in her bloodstream, she answered: "There was like a destructive imperialist paternal spiritual weed growing in my belly that threatened the purity and tenderness of my little baby who is a part of our pure and much loved Earth Mother, so I drank a cup of Weed-B-Gon along with my daily joint every morning!" Needless to say, such an answer was just what Social Services needed to confiscate little Peach Stone, who, in true InSane Francisco style, was placed with a family of illegal migrant workers from Rio Basura, Mexico, and was eventually deported to Mexico as her adoptive parents could not possibly convince the authorities as to the veracity of the highly unlikely story of the origins of their little girl, which could only be true in progressive, open-minded InSanE Francisco and nearby Most High Berkeley.

So, when the Admou"r took over Alcatraz, her former job as tour guide was upgraded to that of: "Rebbetzin, West Coast Division, Disjointed Association of Progressive Communities of Creedmoor."

And the new Rebbetzin was amazed by the cultural diversity of the members of her new community, especially as her constant use of peyote and lysergic acid diethylamide rendered her impervious to the fact that she and the Admou"r were the only physical inhabitants of Alcatraz Island.

"Look, Lilak Blossem, who I heve here! Mkabele, Hernandez, O'Reilly, Cohen, Longtree, Roundleg, Van Der Gutter, Stronzetti (you know, like Sekko end Ventzetti), Kovalski, Vegner, Schlokhendler, Vargas, Ferdganver...det's my fight against der Zionist Imperialist Regime fin Americhke!" Never mind that each surname was attached to eleven hundred different first names, and that these were duly submitted to every possible state and federal entitlement program - Lilac Blossom could not help but be impressed that an old fashioned rabbi, dressed in black garbage bags and a tin foil hat, led such an amazingly diverse community!

"End now ve're gonna go far der big time! We gonna konker to Guantenemo end get rid from the Zionist imperialist regime and get free health care end welfare far all der prizonners!" Of course in Creedmoor parlance, this simply meant hacking the computers at Gitmo, so as to obtain a new batch of surnames to place on applications for the three things on which Creedmoor stands - welfare (fraud), section 8 (fraud) and disability (fraud). But Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall could hardly hide her excitement:

"When do we start, holy Rabbi?" she asked. "First, I want you should sing det song about Guantanamo - you know, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just One Ton Mierda, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just one ton mierda..." "Oooh - that is so spiritual! Mierda is Spanish for organic fertilizer, you know, and that is the lifestream of Mother Earth..." "Yes, det's right - mit dreck you fertilize a Bush, oichet a Shrub!" "Ohhh...holy leader, lifeblood of my entire being, I thank you every day that I am alive.."

And of course the Admou"r was so thankful to his new Rebbetzin that he promptly signed both of her surnames up on his new randomizer program, so that welfare and similar cheques would now be issued to Latonya Spirochete Prunepit, Latrine McCall, Lilac Blossom Wercberger, Prunepit Fekete, and who knows what other permutations of the honored surname Prunepit-McCall and the floral honorific that preceded it.

"Now, I make to you levitate and you imagine det you is in Gitmo. I want you should keep singink One Ton Mierda": said the Admou'r as he hoisted Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom onto her own petard using a crane and winch stolen from the InSanE Francisco Parks Department. "Dis is a crane what I liberated from der imperialist Parkink Department, you know, so it is a thing of much holiness! When you up there, I want you should take your spetzialer meditzin, NOT der veed killer, but der psikedelikatessen blotter paper stuff, and keep sayink numbers!"

"Anything to get rid of the Zionist Imperialist Bushwhack Occupation Forces at Guantanamo, my holy leader"

"OK, up, up in der erd, I mean de air - you go. Now keep sayink numbers!"

A barrage of nonsense began to be heard from the now airborne Rebbetzin, while her husband and master clicked on some magic keys on his brand new Zionist Occupationalist Dell laptop, equipped with the latest in identity theft software from Russia and Nigeria.

"Ve did to it! Now I want you should come down and do a little typink so we finish der job!"

"But I am so disappointed! You know it is discrimination and not politically correct for a man to ask a woman to do typing!"

"Yes, I understend from dis. But I am not spellink too good and my hends is tiret. Wait, you know, I ken do dis:"

And the Admou"r hacked into the US DoD system at Guantanamo, adding Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall and eleven children as dependents of each prisoner incarcerated there, ten times over. Meanwhile, in Creedmoor East Coast, his latest loyal gabbai, Dr Wakshmad Tattimurthy, read each computer file, printed it out, and couriered it to his moles in various welfare offices.

The conquest of Guantanamo was complete, and not a single shot was fired. For her valor in this effort, Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall received 100 pounds of "Super Mehadrin Magic" dried mushrooms, under the strict supervision of the Chevras Narronim d'Creedmoor. And under her bed of straw and feathers was a whole yard of her favorite blotter paper, lovingly emblazoned, in calligraphic style, with the initials L-S-D.

Creedmoor Mourns Red Buttons

"Irving had a candy store business was so bad.
He asked his wife what to do and this is what she said.
Take a can of kerosene spill it on the floor.
Take a match give a scratch
NO MORE Candy Store !!"

Aaron Chwiat a/k/a Red Buttons, one of the many inspirations for Creedmoor. yehei zichro baruch.

The Admou"r is too busy with his planned Gitmo campaign to burn down a building or two in his memory.

Creedmoor Crackhead Special Forces Squads Invade Guantanamo Bay!

We have just been informed that Creedmoorer crackheaded special forces troops are attempting to invade and conquer Guantanamo Bay as they recently conquered Alcatraz.

It is well known that the Admou"r meCreedmoor believes that any attempt to sign convicts up for welfare and food stamps is a milchemes mitzvah which supersedes (the Zionist) Shabbos - however the earliest we will be able to update this blog is midnight motzoei shabbos EST.

New Address for Blog

While the old address will continue to work, we also have an easier to remember new address - http://www.frumspace.com/creedmoor

And watch out for a major update before 17 Tammuz - a full directory of major personalities and moisdois for both Creedmoor and "Adas Machloikes - K'hal Mishkav Zichroinois d'Alcatraz!"

Please to take der Creedmoorer Kviz

Are you a shygetz? a Tzioini? Or are you one of the 80 (pay) tzaddikim upon whom the oilem goilem rests?

http://nerdtests.com/mq/take.php?id=4823

Click on the above link, take the test and see. It won't cost you a single foodshtempele!

The New Neturei Karta Fight Song (with thanks to Monty Python)

The clowns of todays Neturei Karta have about as much right to Reb Amram Bloy's "Hashem Hi Malyknee" as I do to claim authorship of the Star Spangled Banner.

So, I have done the tremendous chessed of writing a new song for today's NK - and I will not even charge them for the favor:

Dedicated to the 6 1/2 brave men of Monsey who stand outside and show their love for all seven Jews who actually agree with them:

My name's Moisheleh from the NK
I scream all night and most of the day
(His name's Moisheleh from the NK
He screams all night and most of the day)

I meet with terrorists, I fight with Jews
I go to meet with Hamas
Sometimes I get on Iranian TV
Cause Mahmoud's my real boss!
(refrain)

I mourn for Yasser, I burn the flag
I love to wear a checkered scarf
And when little kids see me
They say I make them barf
(refrain)

I'd die for Mahmoud cause he's so cool
And neo-Nazis are really my thing
Cause every month I get a nice fat check
From the Saudi King!
(refrain)

I go to Iran, I wear a furry shtreimel,
High heels, and a dress
So why does everyone say
That I am such a mess?
(refrain)

Der Admou"r moves to Alcatraz

The bureaucrat at the Federal Department of Corrections, your typical Affirmative Action hire with roots on some slaveholder's plantation in Mississippi, could not believe what he was reading. Of course, he could barely read the letter, which began: "I, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman Goldman, hereby am konfessing det I am fraudmaching every day 898522448522 welfare chekkelach fin der Government of der United States fin Americhke of which I is no longer a subjekt, having declared independence mayn Republik fin Creedmoor a yohr tzurik. I am volunterily returnink to you tzen hinnert fin mayn chekelach for exchange a sentence and title deed fin der greatest of all prizzens, Elkatraz."

"Betweena, look at dis, sista! Dis Jew rabbi wanna go to Alkatraz!" Yes, this bureaucrat's supervisor's name really was Betweena Rock, and the story went that when a passing motorist saw an abandoned baby left alongside a boulder located a stone's throw from an interstate highway in Florida, he left her at the hospital, saying only that "I found her between a rock and a hard place!"

"Alkatraz? Man, you be crazy! Dat place be closed for yeers!" "No, he be crazy! Dis letter be comin' from Creeeeeeedmooor, over dere in Noo Jack City!"

"Well. dere ain't much we can do wid no prizzoners from Creedmoor kuz you'z gotta be crazy to live dere, an' no way we can get no confesshun outa no crazy man! Trow dat letter in da garbage, man, and less go take anudder break!"

"OK, sissa!"

However, the two bunglers were, as always, completely incompetent. Of course, they did not read the entire letter. It ended as follows: "If you mach nisht kyne enser to me immediate, I go anyway to Elkatraz and conker it for myne Independent Republik!"

By this time, everyone in Creedmoor was well aware that the Admou"r was in no way a legitimate psychiatric patient, and that his antics were designed only to allow him to commit Federal, State and municipal crimes on a level unheard of in the annals of such misdeeds. So, he was not restrained anymore, but rather free to leave the premises via a hole in the fence of his "Kiryas Naye Creedmoor," a/k/a the former recreation area of D-ward.

So, dressed as usual in a tinfoil bekeshe and shtreimel, the Admou"r was whisked to a limousine that originated from a printing press in Rego Park that might have well been renamed "Three Dollar Bill's Printing," and registered to "Va'ad Hanarronim d'Creedmoor, Rego Park Branch." All of a sudden, the bekeshe was replaced by an Armani suit, and the Admou"r took a first class seat on a flight to San Francisco.

Upon his arrival, he was met by yet another limousine, registered to "California Friends of Creedmoor," which was stocked with no fewer than twelve forty pound bags of a substance sold at many garden stores and referred to politely as "organic fertlizer." Of course, this is the very foundation of Creedmoor, and the Admou"r, now once again dressed in tin foil, was very pleased to be traveling with it in his limo.

And above Alcatraz Island, a helicopter was dumping loads of the same substance onto the island, with notices that Alcatraz was about to be occupied by the Creedmoor Liberation Front, an anarchist group that does not recognize the sovereignty of the United States of America over Alcatraz.

Now, San Francisco is a very liberal minded place, and anarchy is often a cause of the week there. So, when the tour guides who now populate Alcatraz smelled the fertilizer and saw the leaflets, they were immediately sympathetic as they figured an environmentalist-anarchist protest group was taking over the island.

So, their leader, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall, the daughter of 60's protesters who raised her on a commune not far from Haight-Ashbury, decided to surrender to the Creedmoor forces, and she simply left the keys on her desk and the door to her office wide open.

And the Admou"r arrived on the island bearing yet more manure, which he spread around the office so as to pass once again for an escaped mental patient. He also busted open the safe and removed cash paid by tourists who had come to see the former prison.

But now, the gates to the prison would read "Velkom tzi Elkatraz! Mir accepten food shtempelach and Creedmoor gelt! Shacharis 6.30 PM, Mincha 8.30 PM, Maariv iz a Tzioini plot and is ossur here!" "Velfare Office to your Right! Skedule a Yechidis on your Left (never mind that the sign pointed to a Porta-Potti; the Admou"r's plans were far past the level of simple phony rebbeschaft and actually included the construction of a large duty free shopping mall and money laundry, now that Alcatraz was no longer US property but rather belonged to the Republik fin Independent Creedmoor)."

But first and foremost, a box from a major computer company had to be opened; it contained a state of the art server hooked up to a brand new laser printer. And it took the Admou'r's expert team little time to insert the Photoshop graphic used to print the famous currency of Creedmoor - the food shtempele, in 3, 7, 11, 2658, and 89625 shtemp denominations, now bearing the legend "Elkatrez Is Ours!"

Meanwhile, back in Washington DC, experts were stymied. There was little that could be done when a certified mental patient, whose Independent Republic had just been given a "Destroyers of Zionism" award by the Islamic Republic of Iran, took over a prison to which he should have been sentenced in any case given his massive fraud schemes.

And to celebrate, the Admou"r invited two of his best friends for yechidus. Their names are Moshe Aryeh Friedman and his dear partner in removing Israel from the map with a Ginsu knife, the one and only Mahmoud Ahmedinejad.

New Creedmoor Suspended out of Respect to Late Satmarer Rov

We have received word that the Admou"r meCreedmoor has voluntarily sentenced himself to Alcatraz in what is probably the scam of the millenium. However, we will break this news to you only after the shiva for the Satmarer Rov, Harav Moshe ben Chaim Tzvi Teitelbaum, has ended.

Unfortunately, many believe that Creedmoor is a parody of Satmar. While it most certainly is not, the fact that people think it is so means that it is only right that I suspend publication until the shiva is over.

We will return next Monday night with full details of the reopening of Alcatraz for the Admou'r meCreedmoor.

Baruch Dayan Hoemes.

Creedmoorer Book Chapter 2 (part 1)

Randolph and Sylvia Goldman were a typical upper middle class Canadian Jewish couple, but for one thing - they had been married fifteen years and had no children. While their lives were complete in many ways, Randolph's family had been decimated by the Shoah and for that reason alone, the successful real estate developer and his wife wanted to have at least one child.

So, they turned to a number of adoption agencies, including a handful in Mrs Goldman's native New York, with a request for a Jewish child, up to three years old. The affluent, stable couple had no problem qualifying as an adoptive family, but Jewish children were hard to come by, especially as some Jewish birth mothers did not realize their child was Jewish no matter the origins of the father.

But this mattered little in the end, for the Goldmans received a call from Jewish Family Services regarding David, a two year old boy who had been taken from his Chassidic parents when his father was sentenced to a ten year term in prison for gross fraud, and when his mother, who could not take the disgrace and shame (and who was actually involved in the numerous schemes herself) either lost her mind or feigned insanity and was committed to the Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in Queens.....(more to come shortly).

950 "Patients" Die in Creedmoor in a Two Week Period

Doctors were alarmed at reports of the death of 950 patients in the Long Term Care section of Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital over the past two weeks. However, concern quickly turned to outrage as the deaths were traced to phantom patients created by Creedmoor's most notorious long term patient, self ordained Rabbi Dovid Goldman-Schmoigerman of the now vacant D-ward. Said patients were created by the "Admou"r meCreedmoor," who is recognized by the EU, North Korea, Cuba and Taliban controlled sections of Afghanistan as an independent head of state and is therefore immune to prosecution, in order to collect life insurance from as many as eleven international insurers.

Dr Cornelius Mee-fong Xia, the latest in a string of foreign born medical directors to disgrace the financially strapped and largely vacant hospital, was dismissed for his role in the "Admou"r meCreedmoor"'s latest scam - namely placing multiple life insurance policies on nonexistent patients, including at least three deceased members of the British royal family, and then declaring the patients dead so that his charitable foundation "Chessed Atzmai," could benefit from as much as eight million dollars in insurance benefits paid to the survivors of each patient.

At first, the Center for Disease Control was involved as Dr Xia reported 950 deaths in D-ward due to what he claimed was an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease. However, in reality, the disgraced physician was reporting "Regional Disease," which sounds like Legionnaire's Disease when said with an Oriental accent.

"Yes, I say they have regional disease. Whole region of hospital go sick and die. " Such was the intelligible portion of Dr Xia's response to Federal investigators who arrived on the scene. However, suspicions were aroused when it was clear that the ward was not meant to hold even one fifth of the 950 patients reported dead.

What was discovered was a man wearing an orange jumpsuit and a tin foil hat, frantically filling out insurance claims forms, each of which were passed on to Xia for verification. Names on these certificates included Elvis Presley, Diana Spencer and Mary, Queen of Scots.

"Well, at least now we can be sure Elvis is dead," said John Worthington, the Federal investigator who discovered the major discrepancies. "Pity there is no death penalty for gross fraud, because these two offenders certainly deserve it. Actually, though, who knows who they would send to the chair in their place, and how many insurance policies they have on him."

Dr Xia was paid 200 pounds of fine rice for his role in the scam, and faces deportation proceedings. Schmoigerman has apparently collected anywhere from three to eight million dollars per patient reported dead, and due to his US status as an incurably insane chief of a Native American tribe, and his UN approved status as the head of an independent anti-Zionist country, he is immune from prosecution.

However, he has apologized for his misdeeds and has made restitution to the insurance companies in question - using checks drawn and certified on his own central bank, which is not even recognized by the Brotherhood of Nigerian Advance Fee Scammers.

The Creedmoor Book - Prologue

(This will be moved to a separate blog but for now I do not have time to set one up and promote it, so enjoy Chapter 1 here).

It was the day before Shushan Purim in Yerushalayim. And for one Persian Jew named Mordechai, it was a day for reflection rather than for preparing to celebrate. For that Jew, Dr Mordechai Kohentzedek, was approaching his 97th birthday, and he could never be sure that this would not be his last Purim.

So the retired neurologist walked slowly along the streets near his beloved Machaneh Yehuda market, where he enjoyed chatting in Farsi with some of the veteran vendors, as they traded stories of their native land and asked him for medical advice. Some even remembered the name Manouchehr Kohentzedek from the idyllic days of the last Shah, when the good doctor, the son of a wealthy merchant whose father sent him to England to study medicine, was renowned as the best doctor in all of Teheran, and was said to be the doctor whom the Shah trusted for his own family. But in 1977, Dr Kohentzedek and his wife Shireen (Shulamit) had seen the handwriting on the wall, and like the handwriting on another wall in Persia many years hence, they knew their days were numbered if they stayed in Iran. And despite their advanced age and lack of children, the doctor and his architect wife were still strong and alert when the Islamic Republic was born, so they boarded a jet liner to Canada while they still could, having fortunately transfered their substantial assets to Switzerland and Israel over the months before their departure.

And in Canada, Dr Kohentzedek settled down to work at a major hospital attached to the University of Manitoba, where he could enjoy seeing patients as he did every day in Iran, from dawn to dusk. He barely even remembered to cash his provincial health system paycheck, and when he did, it often went straight to help those less fortunate than he.

For in leaving Iran, he had found Torah, and that is what led him to examine a young, not particularly earnest baal tshuva by the name of Dovid Goldman. Even now that he was retired and living in Israel, and no longer officially practicing medicine, he could not get Dovid out of his mind.

It was to this Dovid Goldman that his thoughts were turning this chilly morning in Adar as he walked the stalls of Machaneh Yehuda, looking for Fairouz, and Babak...no, Baruch, his stall was Beit Yosef now and it was the only place the doctor himself ever bought any food...and Behrouz, who he remembered from the bazaar in Teheran.

"Was I right to have Dovid committed to that Creedmoor place in New York? Was he really mentally incompetent? Or was he the biggest scam artist to ever surface in Winnipeg?"

Suddenly, his reveries were interrupted by a familiar face. "Excuse me, is your name Weinberg by any chance? Is your father a doctor named Michael, and your mother also a doctor, I think her name was Chana but sometimes they called her Annette - she was from Beirut or somewhere like that?" This was the question that the ancient little wraith of a man, whose voice and mind were far less worn than his fragile cane-supported body, posed to a strong young man with dark features who was shopping for nuts and cake at the stall of Rahamim, another confidante of the doctor from his Teheran days. "You look so familiar - you must be their son...can you call your father please and tell him that Mordechai Kohentzedek from Winnipeg is here?"

"Yes - my name is Avi Weinberg and my parents are Michael and Chana - we came here last year - my father retired and is opening a clinic here! Sure, I will call - how did you know my father?"

"He was the medical director of Creedmoor, and we were in touch because I sent him a patient who was referred to me by Haham Kalman, my rabbi - he was a US citizen, this poor boy, and he needed to be committed, this Dovid!"

"Dovid Goldman? My father used to tell us stories about him! I know it is Purim - but when my father tells you what happened to him in Creedmoor, it is true."

Avi called his father, and quickly passed the Nokia mobile to his old acquaintance:

"Michael, do you remember me? Mordy Kohentzedek, you used to call me Mottel Katz all the time - I sent Dovid'l over to Creedmoor 25 years ago!"

"Baruch...mechoye hameysim...Baruch, mehaye hameytim!" - the two retired physicians made the customary blessing that one makes when reunited with separated acquaintances, and then Dr Weinberg answered: "How can I forget! Dovid was the true American success story - came in as an inmate and ended up buying the place! He was so much fun over the years, even if he costs the government the same as 6 months of military aid to Israel! Now, you must come to me in Har Nof - Avi will take you home with him! You must spend Purin with us tomorrow - stay over tonight - we have plenty of room!" And Dr Kohentzedek asked Avi to help him pick up no less than a case each of arak and Chivas Regal from the wine shop in Machaneh Yehuda - it would be a very happy Purim indeed at the Weinberg residence, transplanted this very year from Woodmere to Har Nof.

Many miles away in a suburban development outside of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, Rabbi Kalman Berkowitz had finished davening Shacharis and was opening his mail. In it were, baruch Hashem, two cheques. One was accompanied by a letter in a handwriting that was so Middle Eastern that if the rabbi had not been receiving letters like this for 29 years, he would have called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to report possible terrorism. The note explained that as the donor was getting older and had no heirs, he wanted to advance a substantial part of his estate to the Winnipeg House of Tradition at this time. The cheque, certified by Israel Discount Bank on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem, was for a fine sum of six figure size. The letter promised four more such cheques over the year, and noted that a third of its payor's estate was left to the synagogue.

But before the rabbi even had a chance to call his donor in Yerushalayim, he nearly fell off his chair and risked severe injury to his back, which he had injured many years before, as a soldier in the Israeli Army reserves before he was called upon to become a soldier in his Rebbe's Army in Winnipeg. That was because the second cheque was drawn on "The National and International Reserve Bank of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor" and was made out for the sum of 8,387,987,423,005 food stamps!

"Malky! Come see these! Boruch Hashem, we are finally set! We can finally begin building the new shul! And what's more, I will have the greatest Purim story of ANY House of Tradition rabbi ANYWHERE - just LOOK at this second cheque! Just in time for the seuda tonight - but I better not have done anything to my back when I fell off the chair or I'll have to take medicine instead of drink!"

"OY! Goldman - or is it Schmoigerman now - has really outdone himself! He just used to send forged food stamps - remember that!" Mrs Malky Berkowitz could barely restrain tears of laughter when she saw the bank document. And her joy was even more marked when she saw the letter and cheque from Dr Mordechai Kohentzedek in Yerushalayim.