Monday, September 21, 2009

Creedmoorer: We must return to our roots before Avrohom Avinu


During the Creedmoorer annual Tzioinish New Year tish, the Admou"r breched out the following:

"We must return to the way things were before Avrohom Avini, when we worshipped idols and there was no Tzioinis, no Lech Lecho in which Avrohom Avini took the land from the innocent Balestinians. Had Avrohom Avini walked in the ways of his father, Reb Terach, who was a Creedmoorer Chossid, and taken over his father's holy getschke shop, there never would have been timas hatzioinis and we would have lived in peace with our neighbors the Kenoonim. What is more, the shop would have survived to this day and been able to launder food stamps, EBT, welfare checks, checks from meshooloochim and all other forms of barely negotiable currency.

So, it has fallen upon my rounded shoulders and belly to indeed reconstruct the getschke shop owned by Reb Terach and to reopen it as a place to which offerings of food stamps and similar currencies can be brought at all times, even by those not actually purchasing holy objects at the blessed new venture.

It is with great pleasure tht I hereby announce that I, who walk in the ways of Terach and Nimroid and all others who worship getschkes of gold and silver, am opening a new shop on the premises of the Creedmoorer moisdois in Creedmoor shebeCreedmoor.

This shop, in which all of our Chassidim will be required to make purchases on an annual basis and using a perennial credit agreement, will offer three dimensional renderings of the almighty food stamp, which of course bears my holy likeness, so that you may always worship me and be reminded that the only real deity is the almighty food stamp even if you are not visiting the premises of the holiest of holies in Creedmoor or Alcatraz.

We will include a special kabbalistic book of prayers including invocations and excretions which are to be recited before engaging in theft and fraud of all types and which must be recited only while facing and embracing this special edition post-tzioinish getschke.

The getschkes will be available in silver and gold, which of course is what we who shuffle in the extinguished light of the ways of baseless hatred and unbridled fraud and deceit known as Chassidus Creedmoor actually do worship.

This holy store and our return to the idol worship of our truest ancestors will be a tikkin haneshoome for our holiest of the ovois Terach Oveeni whose neshomo is suffering from the tzioinish kefira of his descendants Avrohom, Yitzchok and Yankev with whom we of course have no connection whatsoever."

NB: Please assume that all weights and qualities stamped on our getschkes are overstated by at least 85% al pi masoires avoiseynee hakedoishim.

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