The Admou"r's Directives for the Last Days of 5769 Elul 18-20

BS"D

While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.

Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:

Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.

Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.

Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).

More coming on Elul 20..