BS"D
During his famous yechidis (yichud) with his loyal "Bulvanim" squad members after Tzioinish Yom Kippur kiddush yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor explained that machloikes and violence between Jew and Jew will continue forever:
"Loi yissa GOY el GOY cherev" has nothing to do with any Yidden like ourselves, for we, unlike Tzioinim, are not called goyim or even shkootzim but rather we are the only ones who can be called Yidden as we are untainted by tzioinis, work and other goyishe concepts.
Therefore, even after the Lemach haMasriach has arrived, we, the chosen of the chosen, the Bulvanim who are chosen to defend Chassidis Creedmoor against all invaders, real or imagined, will continue our machloikes and even violent machloikes against all others who usurp the name Jew. It will be only the goyim, those who follow such goyishe concepts as the 613 mitzvos or even the 7 mitzvos bnei Noach, who will stop fighting and lead boring, meaningless, unexciting lives after the end of time".
After that speech, the Bulvanim attempted to walk to nearby shuls to start fights and violence, but were too drunk from the "Sholam Weiss Vineyards Pruno" which they drank at kiddush to accomplish much other than being stopped by guards when attempting to leave the Creedmoor grounds.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Schmoigerman Delineates Procedure for Kappoores
BS"D
"I hereby proclaim that it is most meritorious to expunge our sins by circling a burning Zionist flag around our heads 5708 times to expunge the terrible sin which was created in 5708.
Then, this flag should be thrown into a heavily insured chicken coop as a reminder of the chickenly cowardice of the Zionist regime.
We invite all of you who walk in the extinguished light of Chassidus Creedmoor to participate in our "A Kappoooore" on Monday morning, Tzioinish Yom Kippur, at 6 AM, in the Azoroh of the Creedmoorer Beis Mikdosh, formerly known as D-ward Exercise Yard, Ir HaKoidesh Creedmoor, Queens, Republic of the Great Satan leminyehem otherwise known as the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Most Exalted Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.
Guests will include His Highness Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, The Most Exalted Blathering Fool El Hajj Muammar el-KaDaffy, and our dear partners in sinas chinom and anti-Zionism who are members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Thanks to an anonymous donor, flags for kappoores will be available at a reduced price of only 600 food-shtempelach for a standard one square meter flag, sewn by certified burqa weavers in Talibanistan. A less expensive Iranian chador-weaver made model will be available for 360 food-shtempelach per month for 10 months.
Beroiv sreyfo hadras oifos."
-Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishoin beGayves veTayves, Admou"r for Life of the Holy Congregations of Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Sheoil Tachtis, Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, son of Rov Koirach Schmoigerman of Karnotzelvar, Afghanistan."
"I hereby proclaim that it is most meritorious to expunge our sins by circling a burning Zionist flag around our heads 5708 times to expunge the terrible sin which was created in 5708.
Then, this flag should be thrown into a heavily insured chicken coop as a reminder of the chickenly cowardice of the Zionist regime.
We invite all of you who walk in the extinguished light of Chassidus Creedmoor to participate in our "A Kappoooore" on Monday morning, Tzioinish Yom Kippur, at 6 AM, in the Azoroh of the Creedmoorer Beis Mikdosh, formerly known as D-ward Exercise Yard, Ir HaKoidesh Creedmoor, Queens, Republic of the Great Satan leminyehem otherwise known as the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Most Exalted Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.
Guests will include His Highness Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, The Most Exalted Blathering Fool El Hajj Muammar el-KaDaffy, and our dear partners in sinas chinom and anti-Zionism who are members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Thanks to an anonymous donor, flags for kappoores will be available at a reduced price of only 600 food-shtempelach for a standard one square meter flag, sewn by certified burqa weavers in Talibanistan. A less expensive Iranian chador-weaver made model will be available for 360 food-shtempelach per month for 10 months.
Beroiv sreyfo hadras oifos."
-Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishoin beGayves veTayves, Admou"r for Life of the Holy Congregations of Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Sheoil Tachtis, Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, son of Rov Koirach Schmoigerman of Karnotzelvar, Afghanistan."
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Der Admou"r Replies to a Tzioinish Meme
BS"D
fin Chassidsavoda.blogspot.com a tzioinish kefire blog:
Rule number one: Read the rules.
Rule number two: Write one superpower you would like to have and what you would do with it.
Rule number three: Write why you chose that superpower over everything else.
Rule number four: Tag and link 7 people and write why you think they will have an interesting meme.
Rule number five: Fix your broken links.
One: You write der rules in Englisch. I am readink only Hymisch and Ingarisch.
Two: Der superpower I am wantink is der ability tzi brennen all of the tzioinish medine to a crisp efter is gettink out all the people beck to Irak, to Ur-kasdim where we iz comink from anyway, mit a metch and just one gellon fin kerosine efter I am placink on it three hinnert insurance policies!
Three: From what I am wantink dis? Very simple. The tzioinish medine is responsible fin all of the tregideys fin mankind goink beck to der mabil but also inkludink der York messeker, Chmelnitzki, even der Armenian genocide. Iz always wantink everyone to do away mit der tzioinim and it iz clearly the foundink of the medine in 1948 det was responsible far all the tragediye goink beck to many years before it because it says in Avnye Skile that tzioinis this is tima that was created by the nachash hakadmoini and therefore has existed fin the beginnink of time. And alveys I am vant a very git return from myne investment so a gellen fin Iranischer kerosene mit Ahmadinejad's a hechsher is eppes drei tolar end insurence on the medine I ken make maybe far a few billion mit every company which I ken forge a policy.
Four: You want I should teg seven people? OK I teg:
Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Creedmoor
Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerPERSON - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Alcatraz
Haham Rahamim Loyashar, Haham BaLeylot of the Dreck for Abidun Frenkel Sephardic Center, Creedmoor
Reb Koppel Ferdganver, Rosh Koilel, Colorado Supermax Federal Koilel
I find three more when I open der velfare list again tonight by kriyas yam soof.
Rule number five: I am not havink no broken links. By mir all is rechts except when I tell myne Chassidim to vote for the links because we iz getting othervise cut fin der velfare.
Shygetz Aross to you too!
fin Chassidsavoda.blogspot.com a tzioinish kefire blog:
Rule number one: Read the rules.
Rule number two: Write one superpower you would like to have and what you would do with it.
Rule number three: Write why you chose that superpower over everything else.
Rule number four: Tag and link 7 people and write why you think they will have an interesting meme.
Rule number five: Fix your broken links.
One: You write der rules in Englisch. I am readink only Hymisch and Ingarisch.
Two: Der superpower I am wantink is der ability tzi brennen all of the tzioinish medine to a crisp efter is gettink out all the people beck to Irak, to Ur-kasdim where we iz comink from anyway, mit a metch and just one gellon fin kerosine efter I am placink on it three hinnert insurance policies!
Three: From what I am wantink dis? Very simple. The tzioinish medine is responsible fin all of the tregideys fin mankind goink beck to der mabil but also inkludink der York messeker, Chmelnitzki, even der Armenian genocide. Iz always wantink everyone to do away mit der tzioinim and it iz clearly the foundink of the medine in 1948 det was responsible far all the tragediye goink beck to many years before it because it says in Avnye Skile that tzioinis this is tima that was created by the nachash hakadmoini and therefore has existed fin the beginnink of time. And alveys I am vant a very git return from myne investment so a gellen fin Iranischer kerosene mit Ahmadinejad's a hechsher is eppes drei tolar end insurence on the medine I ken make maybe far a few billion mit every company which I ken forge a policy.
Four: You want I should teg seven people? OK I teg:
Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Creedmoor
Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerPERSON - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Alcatraz
Haham Rahamim Loyashar, Haham BaLeylot of the Dreck for Abidun Frenkel Sephardic Center, Creedmoor
Reb Koppel Ferdganver, Rosh Koilel, Colorado Supermax Federal Koilel
I find three more when I open der velfare list again tonight by kriyas yam soof.
Rule number five: I am not havink no broken links. By mir all is rechts except when I tell myne Chassidim to vote for the links because we iz getting othervise cut fin der velfare.
Shygetz Aross to you too!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Has the Creedmoorer really declared himself a getschke - and why?
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor - From Feigning Insanity to Feigning Divinity
The greatest fraudster of the millenium's latest step in his victorious struggle to avoid prosecution.
A Zionist New Year's Editorial from Der Vochediger Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke
While we at the VVBP tend to support the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his perennial struggles against the twin evils of Zionism and working for an honest living, we now wonder how it is that a supposed manhig beAzazel manages to declare himself an object of worship.
We are aware that among the Admou"r's 150 quintillion followers, there are a handful of Elokists who believe that he is indeed lehavdil kavyachol, or at least the midas ha-din, bedecked in a tin foil shtreimel and an orange garbage bag. Needless to say, there is a very good reason that these neshomos are receiving SSI and interred in a padded cell, even if it is the Admou"r Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman who is receiving those payments and charging rent for that cell.
Yet, this is the first time that Schmoigerman has declared that he indeed welcomes being worshipped as some sort of deity, perhaps a modern-day Moloch or Baal Peor. Even for us, this is simply going too far, as we are proud kanoim who believe only in the destruction of the Great Soton of America through multiple acts of federal entitlement program fraud, and of the Minor Satan of the medine through burning garbage cans, flags and everything else that can kindle major insurance conflagrations and explosions.
However, we are not ready to abandon our brave Admou"r in what may be his darkest hour.
Apparently, he is in no way proclaiming himself a getschke because he really believes in his own divinity or anything else other than his own vulgarity. Instead, it has become clear that this is simply the next stage in his quest to fully insulate himself from prosecution by the United States Government, in the horrible instance that the White House should return to its former whiteness after the 2012 elections.
It is expected that the first agenda of a non Affirmative Action president would be to root out massive federal entitlement program fraud, and perhaps even to boycott institutions which recognize the independence of the Independent Anti-Zionist Dictatorial Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Additional Ill Occurences (Malchis Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin). This would mean that the Admou"r can be duly prosecuted and eventually jailed or at the very least forced to flee to Iran (where his presence could serve as a pretense for bombing the Pistachio-Islamic Republic to shards). So, the Admou"r rightfully fears that his present status of interminate criminal insanity combined with recognition as a leader of an independent republic is not enough to guarantee him immunity.
Therefore, his call to return to the ways of Terach and indeed to worship likenesses of none other than his august, september, october and november self, is but another affirmation of his utter and incurable insanity. His rabbinical ordination has finally been validated after the final count of cereal box tops and milk cartons that were sent to the proper PO box, so that he cannot deny he remains a rabbi. On the other hand, he has now declared himself an idol, which makes it clear to only the most biased observer that he is indeed clinically insane and therefore should remain immune from prosecution so long as he claims Creedmoor as his primary residence and the residence of his 150 quintillion Chassidim.
D-ward has been granted to him in perpetuity and it is the only piece of property that he owns and has not burned to a crisp. Hence, it is clear that our revered and reviled Admou"r is in Creedmoor to stay and therefore need not fear jail now that he has proclaimed himself a getschke thereby showing his total, complete and utter feigned insanity once and for all.
We end by saluting the Admou"r's decision to get a piece of the market for New Age objects of worship and neo-Kabbalah charms by selling likenesses of himself. Indeed, we applaud his utter lack of respect for the Zionist tractate of Choshen Mishpat in that he declares outright that he has exaggerated the amount of precious metal in each silver or gold idol.
In fact, we at the VVBP have found that most of the Schmoigerman statues sold in "Uncle Terach's Alter Heim Getschke Gescheft" are made of recycled shtreimel grade tin foil and duly marked as silver or gold depending on whether or not they are spraypainted gold.
NB: Uncle Terach's is among our advertisers and is distinguished by having the oldest accounts payable, only because our bank refuses to cash food stamps issued by the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor and our newsprint and ink suppliers do not accept food stamps as payment. Otherwise, Uncle Terach's and its predecessor Megadreck Mehadrin, as well as its affiliated "Biyur haBinyan" enterprises would actually be running a positive balance of 100,000,000 Schmoigerman food stamps.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor - From Feigning Insanity to Feigning Divinity
The greatest fraudster of the millenium's latest step in his victorious struggle to avoid prosecution.
A Zionist New Year's Editorial from Der Vochediger Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke
While we at the VVBP tend to support the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his perennial struggles against the twin evils of Zionism and working for an honest living, we now wonder how it is that a supposed manhig beAzazel manages to declare himself an object of worship.
We are aware that among the Admou"r's 150 quintillion followers, there are a handful of Elokists who believe that he is indeed lehavdil kavyachol, or at least the midas ha-din, bedecked in a tin foil shtreimel and an orange garbage bag. Needless to say, there is a very good reason that these neshomos are receiving SSI and interred in a padded cell, even if it is the Admou"r Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman who is receiving those payments and charging rent for that cell.
Yet, this is the first time that Schmoigerman has declared that he indeed welcomes being worshipped as some sort of deity, perhaps a modern-day Moloch or Baal Peor. Even for us, this is simply going too far, as we are proud kanoim who believe only in the destruction of the Great Soton of America through multiple acts of federal entitlement program fraud, and of the Minor Satan of the medine through burning garbage cans, flags and everything else that can kindle major insurance conflagrations and explosions.
However, we are not ready to abandon our brave Admou"r in what may be his darkest hour.
Apparently, he is in no way proclaiming himself a getschke because he really believes in his own divinity or anything else other than his own vulgarity. Instead, it has become clear that this is simply the next stage in his quest to fully insulate himself from prosecution by the United States Government, in the horrible instance that the White House should return to its former whiteness after the 2012 elections.
It is expected that the first agenda of a non Affirmative Action president would be to root out massive federal entitlement program fraud, and perhaps even to boycott institutions which recognize the independence of the Independent Anti-Zionist Dictatorial Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Additional Ill Occurences (Malchis Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin). This would mean that the Admou"r can be duly prosecuted and eventually jailed or at the very least forced to flee to Iran (where his presence could serve as a pretense for bombing the Pistachio-Islamic Republic to shards). So, the Admou"r rightfully fears that his present status of interminate criminal insanity combined with recognition as a leader of an independent republic is not enough to guarantee him immunity.
Therefore, his call to return to the ways of Terach and indeed to worship likenesses of none other than his august, september, october and november self, is but another affirmation of his utter and incurable insanity. His rabbinical ordination has finally been validated after the final count of cereal box tops and milk cartons that were sent to the proper PO box, so that he cannot deny he remains a rabbi. On the other hand, he has now declared himself an idol, which makes it clear to only the most biased observer that he is indeed clinically insane and therefore should remain immune from prosecution so long as he claims Creedmoor as his primary residence and the residence of his 150 quintillion Chassidim.
D-ward has been granted to him in perpetuity and it is the only piece of property that he owns and has not burned to a crisp. Hence, it is clear that our revered and reviled Admou"r is in Creedmoor to stay and therefore need not fear jail now that he has proclaimed himself a getschke thereby showing his total, complete and utter feigned insanity once and for all.
We end by saluting the Admou"r's decision to get a piece of the market for New Age objects of worship and neo-Kabbalah charms by selling likenesses of himself. Indeed, we applaud his utter lack of respect for the Zionist tractate of Choshen Mishpat in that he declares outright that he has exaggerated the amount of precious metal in each silver or gold idol.
In fact, we at the VVBP have found that most of the Schmoigerman statues sold in "Uncle Terach's Alter Heim Getschke Gescheft" are made of recycled shtreimel grade tin foil and duly marked as silver or gold depending on whether or not they are spraypainted gold.
NB: Uncle Terach's is among our advertisers and is distinguished by having the oldest accounts payable, only because our bank refuses to cash food stamps issued by the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor and our newsprint and ink suppliers do not accept food stamps as payment. Otherwise, Uncle Terach's and its predecessor Megadreck Mehadrin, as well as its affiliated "Biyur haBinyan" enterprises would actually be running a positive balance of 100,000,000 Schmoigerman food stamps.
Creedmoorer: We must return to our roots before Avrohom Avinu
BS"D
During the Creedmoorer annual Tzioinish New Year tish, the Admou"r breched out the following:
"We must return to the way things were before Avrohom Avini, when we worshipped idols and there was no Tzioinis, no Lech Lecho in which Avrohom Avini took the land from the innocent Balestinians. Had Avrohom Avini walked in the ways of his father, Reb Terach, who was a Creedmoorer Chossid, and taken over his father's holy getschke shop, there never would have been timas hatzioinis and we would have lived in peace with our neighbors the Kenoonim. What is more, the shop would have survived to this day and been able to launder food stamps, EBT, welfare checks, checks from meshooloochim and all other forms of barely negotiable currency.
So, it has fallen upon my rounded shoulders and belly to indeed reconstruct the getschke shop owned by Reb Terach and to reopen it as a place to which offerings of food stamps and similar currencies can be brought at all times, even by those not actually purchasing holy objects at the blessed new venture.
It is with great pleasure tht I hereby announce that I, who walk in the ways of Terach and Nimroid and all others who worship getschkes of gold and silver, am opening a new shop on the premises of the Creedmoorer moisdois in Creedmoor shebeCreedmoor.
This shop, in which all of our Chassidim will be required to make purchases on an annual basis and using a perennial credit agreement, will offer three dimensional renderings of the almighty food stamp, which of course bears my holy likeness, so that you may always worship me and be reminded that the only real deity is the almighty food stamp even if you are not visiting the premises of the holiest of holies in Creedmoor or Alcatraz.
We will include a special kabbalistic book of prayers including invocations and excretions which are to be recited before engaging in theft and fraud of all types and which must be recited only while facing and embracing this special edition post-tzioinish getschke.
The getschkes will be available in silver and gold, which of course is what we who shuffle in the extinguished light of the ways of baseless hatred and unbridled fraud and deceit known as Chassidus Creedmoor actually do worship.
This holy store and our return to the idol worship of our truest ancestors will be a tikkin haneshoome for our holiest of the ovois Terach Oveeni whose neshomo is suffering from the tzioinish kefira of his descendants Avrohom, Yitzchok and Yankev with whom we of course have no connection whatsoever."
NB: Please assume that all weights and qualities stamped on our getschkes are overstated by at least 85% al pi masoires avoiseynee hakedoishim.
During the Creedmoorer annual Tzioinish New Year tish, the Admou"r breched out the following:
"We must return to the way things were before Avrohom Avini, when we worshipped idols and there was no Tzioinis, no Lech Lecho in which Avrohom Avini took the land from the innocent Balestinians. Had Avrohom Avini walked in the ways of his father, Reb Terach, who was a Creedmoorer Chossid, and taken over his father's holy getschke shop, there never would have been timas hatzioinis and we would have lived in peace with our neighbors the Kenoonim. What is more, the shop would have survived to this day and been able to launder food stamps, EBT, welfare checks, checks from meshooloochim and all other forms of barely negotiable currency.
So, it has fallen upon my rounded shoulders and belly to indeed reconstruct the getschke shop owned by Reb Terach and to reopen it as a place to which offerings of food stamps and similar currencies can be brought at all times, even by those not actually purchasing holy objects at the blessed new venture.
It is with great pleasure tht I hereby announce that I, who walk in the ways of Terach and Nimroid and all others who worship getschkes of gold and silver, am opening a new shop on the premises of the Creedmoorer moisdois in Creedmoor shebeCreedmoor.
This shop, in which all of our Chassidim will be required to make purchases on an annual basis and using a perennial credit agreement, will offer three dimensional renderings of the almighty food stamp, which of course bears my holy likeness, so that you may always worship me and be reminded that the only real deity is the almighty food stamp even if you are not visiting the premises of the holiest of holies in Creedmoor or Alcatraz.
We will include a special kabbalistic book of prayers including invocations and excretions which are to be recited before engaging in theft and fraud of all types and which must be recited only while facing and embracing this special edition post-tzioinish getschke.
The getschkes will be available in silver and gold, which of course is what we who shuffle in the extinguished light of the ways of baseless hatred and unbridled fraud and deceit known as Chassidus Creedmoor actually do worship.
This holy store and our return to the idol worship of our truest ancestors will be a tikkin haneshoome for our holiest of the ovois Terach Oveeni whose neshomo is suffering from the tzioinish kefira of his descendants Avrohom, Yitzchok and Yankev with whom we of course have no connection whatsoever."
NB: Please assume that all weights and qualities stamped on our getschkes are overstated by at least 85% al pi masoires avoiseynee hakedoishim.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Schmoigerman: This year 5770 is "Tizoik Shygetz Aross!"
BS"D
"I hereby proclaim that for we who are untainted by timas hatzioinis and therefore do not follow the kefiradige tzoinishe spelling rules which are unacceptable to achynee bnye Yishmoel bekoil mokoim shehem, this year is to be known as Tizoik Shygetz Aross.
According to the rules for spelling loshoin haivris and also loshon horo in the hyliger Divrye Timtim HaLyve vehaMoiach, we spell Shygetz Aross with the same first letters as Shilchon Orich (a book of tzioinish kefire especially the section of Choishen Mishpot which we totally disobey in every waking moment of our lives as chassidei Creedmoor) and Shulem Alyechem.
All of these begin with Shin Ayin only because we can't change the alphabet to make them begin with Pye Tzaddik which is the true madryge we all strive to reach by the shouting of Shygetz Aross, the negation of the Shilchon Orich and the promotion of machloikes so as to stamp out the very name of the kefiradige author and desecrator of the mameloshen Shulem Alyechem who is tiff, tiff in der erd serving tea to Ben Gurion.
So let this year be one of shouting Shygetz Aross with great joy and enthusiasm so as to prolong this Golis and make sure that the only redemption is that of the double coupon for items purchased with food stamps at your local Pathmark.
Shnas skila, sryfe, hereg, chenek, and may we be zoiche together tzi der krisois in der misois!"
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, first and foremost in the promotion of strife, discord, fraud, deceit and Affirmative Action for 150 quintillion holy personalities kein yirbu!
"I hereby proclaim that for we who are untainted by timas hatzioinis and therefore do not follow the kefiradige tzoinishe spelling rules which are unacceptable to achynee bnye Yishmoel bekoil mokoim shehem, this year is to be known as Tizoik Shygetz Aross.
According to the rules for spelling loshoin haivris and also loshon horo in the hyliger Divrye Timtim HaLyve vehaMoiach, we spell Shygetz Aross with the same first letters as Shilchon Orich (a book of tzioinish kefire especially the section of Choishen Mishpot which we totally disobey in every waking moment of our lives as chassidei Creedmoor) and Shulem Alyechem.
All of these begin with Shin Ayin only because we can't change the alphabet to make them begin with Pye Tzaddik which is the true madryge we all strive to reach by the shouting of Shygetz Aross, the negation of the Shilchon Orich and the promotion of machloikes so as to stamp out the very name of the kefiradige author and desecrator of the mameloshen Shulem Alyechem who is tiff, tiff in der erd serving tea to Ben Gurion.
So let this year be one of shouting Shygetz Aross with great joy and enthusiasm so as to prolong this Golis and make sure that the only redemption is that of the double coupon for items purchased with food stamps at your local Pathmark.
Shnas skila, sryfe, hereg, chenek, and may we be zoiche together tzi der krisois in der misois!"
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, first and foremost in the promotion of strife, discord, fraud, deceit and Affirmative Action for 150 quintillion holy personalities kein yirbu!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Creedmoor Celebrates End of Ramadan Tomorrow
BS"D
"On this auspicious day of the end of the holiest month of Ramadan, we, the true Jews who are opposed to Zionism in any fashion and who wish to surrender our bodies, our souls and our property to the forces of the great and glorious Islam, wish our true brothers, the Islamofascist forces, victory over evil and impurity. We join you in looking forward to the great day when every woman and girl will cover herself in a tin foil burqa, and when ignorance and illiteracy, our shared goals, envelop the world once again. On this auspicious occasion, I am making a donation of 100,000 food stamps to build a mosque in the basement of the central outhouse of Creedmoor, for it is said that "my outhouse shall be an outhouse for all people". We welcome our Muslim brethren to a feast this Friday night in place of the celebration of the Zionist New Year, and assure you that all food served is halal and has no trace of the impurity of Zionism or of the Great Satan, for no American currency was spent to purchase the food thanks to our own food stamp printing press. We look forward to greeting our Muslim brethren at this auspicious occasion, and we will also begin construction of the Masjid ul-Outhouse ul-Kabir at this time.
To those who celebrate the New Year of Zionist kefira, we wish a heartfelt Shygetz Aross, but we will still welcome you to our shul at a price of 1000 food stamps per seat."
-Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, First and Foremost in the Worldwide Struggle Against Zionism and Leader of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred and the Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and Alcatraz.
"On this auspicious day of the end of the holiest month of Ramadan, we, the true Jews who are opposed to Zionism in any fashion and who wish to surrender our bodies, our souls and our property to the forces of the great and glorious Islam, wish our true brothers, the Islamofascist forces, victory over evil and impurity. We join you in looking forward to the great day when every woman and girl will cover herself in a tin foil burqa, and when ignorance and illiteracy, our shared goals, envelop the world once again. On this auspicious occasion, I am making a donation of 100,000 food stamps to build a mosque in the basement of the central outhouse of Creedmoor, for it is said that "my outhouse shall be an outhouse for all people". We welcome our Muslim brethren to a feast this Friday night in place of the celebration of the Zionist New Year, and assure you that all food served is halal and has no trace of the impurity of Zionism or of the Great Satan, for no American currency was spent to purchase the food thanks to our own food stamp printing press. We look forward to greeting our Muslim brethren at this auspicious occasion, and we will also begin construction of the Masjid ul-Outhouse ul-Kabir at this time.
To those who celebrate the New Year of Zionist kefira, we wish a heartfelt Shygetz Aross, but we will still welcome you to our shul at a price of 1000 food stamps per seat."
-Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, First and Foremost in the Worldwide Struggle Against Zionism and Leader of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred and the Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and Alcatraz.
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Admou"r's Brocho for 5770 and the Sale of Dalet Minim in Woodburnt
BS"D
Visitors to the Admou"r meCreedmoor's end of summer residence in rural Woodburning, New York, were treated to a special greeting and brooche yesterday, as follows:
"Zolst di geschrabt in dem sefer fin gezel, mirmo, machloikes, pirud, genyve, falshe kanois in ochet in dem bicher fin velfare in section acht. A schlechter, farkokte tzioinish naye yohr!"
Translation: "You should be inscribed in the book of theft, deceit, discord, disharmony, theft and false zealotry, and also in the welfare and section 8 rolls. A bad and excremental Zionist New Year!"
The Admou"r spends the last Shabbos before the Tzioinish New Year in Woodburnt, a scenic hamlet that has been totally destroyed by insurance fires but for a three story outhouse which he uses as both his home and shul. When in Woodburnt, the Admou"r busies himself with giving hechsher on Creedmoorer dalet minim, which consist of dandelions, cannabis leaves, crabapples and brush. The average cost of a Creedmoorer dalet minim starts at 250 EURO and can reach as high as 10,000 food stamps, and Creedmoorer Chassidim from major satellite communities including Otisville, Wormwood Scrubs, Maasiyahu and Shattah vie for furloughs so that they can visit the Admou"r and purchase the dalet minim at thirty per cent discount. Upon return to their residences, the Chassidim hand over a bit of their stash of Creedmoorer hadassim (Cannabis sativa) to their mashpiim and roshei yeshiva (wardens) and sell the rest to those who are not as privileged as they are.
This minhag, one of the defining customs of Creedmoor, is called "gebentschte swag" in Creedmoorer Yiddish, a patois said by linguistic scholars to contain words borrowed from languages as disparate as Hungarian and Brooklynese.
Visitors to the Admou"r meCreedmoor's end of summer residence in rural Woodburning, New York, were treated to a special greeting and brooche yesterday, as follows:
"Zolst di geschrabt in dem sefer fin gezel, mirmo, machloikes, pirud, genyve, falshe kanois in ochet in dem bicher fin velfare in section acht. A schlechter, farkokte tzioinish naye yohr!"
Translation: "You should be inscribed in the book of theft, deceit, discord, disharmony, theft and false zealotry, and also in the welfare and section 8 rolls. A bad and excremental Zionist New Year!"
The Admou"r spends the last Shabbos before the Tzioinish New Year in Woodburnt, a scenic hamlet that has been totally destroyed by insurance fires but for a three story outhouse which he uses as both his home and shul. When in Woodburnt, the Admou"r busies himself with giving hechsher on Creedmoorer dalet minim, which consist of dandelions, cannabis leaves, crabapples and brush. The average cost of a Creedmoorer dalet minim starts at 250 EURO and can reach as high as 10,000 food stamps, and Creedmoorer Chassidim from major satellite communities including Otisville, Wormwood Scrubs, Maasiyahu and Shattah vie for furloughs so that they can visit the Admou"r and purchase the dalet minim at thirty per cent discount. Upon return to their residences, the Chassidim hand over a bit of their stash of Creedmoorer hadassim (Cannabis sativa) to their mashpiim and roshei yeshiva (wardens) and sell the rest to those who are not as privileged as they are.
This minhag, one of the defining customs of Creedmoor, is called "gebentschte swag" in Creedmoorer Yiddish, a patois said by linguistic scholars to contain words borrowed from languages as disparate as Hungarian and Brooklynese.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Boilish Krechtz: R' Yair Hoffman presents an interview with a real, live Creedmoorer!
BS"D
The video is from http://www.vosizneias.com/38055/ and an English translation can be found there as well. (Boilish speaks Tzioinish but no English which makes him suspect right there. I would think a real kanoi would speak Yiddish and English).
Yoilish (a desecration of the name of the heiliger Tzaddik Reb Yoilish ZYA in this case) Krauss is the self appointed kanoi in charge of the Yerushalayim demonstrations.
Please remember that the Admou"r meCreedmoor does NOT advocate destruction of property, EVEN if it is a Tzioinish dishrag-flag, EXCEPT for purposes of illicitly obtaining insurance and then being able to claim to the judge that you are a mentally incompetent pyromaniac.
Neither the Admou"r nor his purported creator endorse the actions of this "Yoil Boil ha-Niddois" and we wish him a swift and permanent cherem as he is clearly not insane, but rather corresponds to the resh in the acronym TziBuR (tzaddikim, beinoinim, you know the last one). Yetamu chatoim min haaretz, chatoim af loi choitim but I don't think anyone will miss this one if he has a little work accident the next time he and his cronies burn tires or garbage cans. Anyway, that posuk ends - vereshoim oid einom.
And if you see him on the street, it is a segula to yell "Shygetz Aross" three times so as to negate the influence of his tuma, which is 1000 times worse than tumas hatzioinis even in Creedmoor. Please check the Zionist law regarding animal abuse before throwing a brick or rock at him because it is not worth sitting in a tzioini jail for this farkokte vilde chaye. On the other hand, "Shygetz Aross" was invented specifically for this mutant.
Yoilish Krauss (Boilish Krechtz) is a clear candidate, along with Solomon Drek, for Menivel of the Year 5769, and again it would be no great tragedy for klal Yisroel if he does not quite make it into 5770 in one piece - or if he ends 5769 in so many pieces that even the true charedim leshem Hashem of ZAKA cannot find all of the shards and fragments of this fragment of a man so that he does not even merit kevura beYisroel.
The only positive thing I can find to say about this menivel is that with the former Freeky Freedy of Vienna supposedly out of the running because he has done tshive, Boilish Krechtz does the best job ever of parodying himself and his self defined kanoius every time he opens his foul trap. And unlike the one who was formerly referred to as Freeky Freedy, this menivel is dangerous and violent.
The Ku Klutz Kartel of the USA and Europe is just a clown show like this blog. This is unfortunately the real thing.
The video is from http://www.vosizneias.com/38055/ and an English translation can be found there as well. (Boilish speaks Tzioinish but no English which makes him suspect right there. I would think a real kanoi would speak Yiddish and English).
Yoilish (a desecration of the name of the heiliger Tzaddik Reb Yoilish ZYA in this case) Krauss is the self appointed kanoi in charge of the Yerushalayim demonstrations.
Please remember that the Admou"r meCreedmoor does NOT advocate destruction of property, EVEN if it is a Tzioinish dishrag-flag, EXCEPT for purposes of illicitly obtaining insurance and then being able to claim to the judge that you are a mentally incompetent pyromaniac.
Neither the Admou"r nor his purported creator endorse the actions of this "Yoil Boil ha-Niddois" and we wish him a swift and permanent cherem as he is clearly not insane, but rather corresponds to the resh in the acronym TziBuR (tzaddikim, beinoinim, you know the last one). Yetamu chatoim min haaretz, chatoim af loi choitim but I don't think anyone will miss this one if he has a little work accident the next time he and his cronies burn tires or garbage cans. Anyway, that posuk ends - vereshoim oid einom.
And if you see him on the street, it is a segula to yell "Shygetz Aross" three times so as to negate the influence of his tuma, which is 1000 times worse than tumas hatzioinis even in Creedmoor. Please check the Zionist law regarding animal abuse before throwing a brick or rock at him because it is not worth sitting in a tzioini jail for this farkokte vilde chaye. On the other hand, "Shygetz Aross" was invented specifically for this mutant.
Yoilish Krauss (Boilish Krechtz) is a clear candidate, along with Solomon Drek, for Menivel of the Year 5769, and again it would be no great tragedy for klal Yisroel if he does not quite make it into 5770 in one piece - or if he ends 5769 in so many pieces that even the true charedim leshem Hashem of ZAKA cannot find all of the shards and fragments of this fragment of a man so that he does not even merit kevura beYisroel.
The only positive thing I can find to say about this menivel is that with the former Freeky Freedy of Vienna supposedly out of the running because he has done tshive, Boilish Krechtz does the best job ever of parodying himself and his self defined kanoius every time he opens his foul trap. And unlike the one who was formerly referred to as Freeky Freedy, this menivel is dangerous and violent.
The Ku Klutz Kartel of the USA and Europe is just a clown show like this blog. This is unfortunately the real thing.
Monday, September 07, 2009
The Admou"r's Directives for the Last Days of 5769 Elul 18-20
BS"D
While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.
Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:
Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.
Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.
Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).
More coming on Elul 20..
While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.
Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:
Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.
Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.
Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).
More coming on Elul 20..
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Drek Alleges Schmoigerman Offered Brain Tissue for Sale
BS"D
BSP (Bubbamyses Shonda Press)
When informant Solomon Drek approached Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in an attempt to get the world's best known miscreant behind bars and his own sentence reduced, he claims was met with a ghoulish proposition indeed. Our reporter interviewed Solomon Drek in his home, to which he is confined under house arrest while being monitored with a counterfeit Tiffany ankle bracelet. His attempt to sell said bracelet to Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, may result in added charges for the accused swindler, who faces over ten thousand years in prison.
Drek: "The rabbi told me, he could sell me unused brain tissue for transplant!"
BSP: "Brain tissue? There is no way to transplant brain tissue at this time!"
Drek: "He said he has loads of unused gray matter from all kinds of people. Politicians who only use their mouths, he charges 10 dollars a pound. Bureaucrats who think with, you know, he calls it their tuchises, he charges 15 dollars a pound. The sheep who voted for Obama, he's got lots of real ones besides the votes he claims he generated from thin air, he charges 20 dollars a pound..."
BSP: "But according to Federal records, your attempt to frame Rabbi Schmoigerman was a complete and total failure due to his own earlier collaboration with Federal officials and his successful disabling of your microphone."
Drek: "But why do I need a microphone? Everyone trusts Solomon Drek or they wouldn't have invested 300 million dollars with me."
BSP: "Did Rabbi Schmoigerman offer the brains of your investors for sale? Those I think are worth about 30 dollars a pound. Clearly hardly used properly and never used for too much intensive thought and analysis".
Solomon Drek then attempted to whack our reporter with a fake Gucci (Guchi) bag filled with kidney beans. As this is a violation of his house arrest, we expect him to begin enjoying an extended stay in the Hot Showers Federal Resort and Respite Facility in Otisville shortly.
BSP (Bubbamyses Shonda Press)
When informant Solomon Drek approached Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in an attempt to get the world's best known miscreant behind bars and his own sentence reduced, he claims was met with a ghoulish proposition indeed. Our reporter interviewed Solomon Drek in his home, to which he is confined under house arrest while being monitored with a counterfeit Tiffany ankle bracelet. His attempt to sell said bracelet to Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, may result in added charges for the accused swindler, who faces over ten thousand years in prison.
Drek: "The rabbi told me, he could sell me unused brain tissue for transplant!"
BSP: "Brain tissue? There is no way to transplant brain tissue at this time!"
Drek: "He said he has loads of unused gray matter from all kinds of people. Politicians who only use their mouths, he charges 10 dollars a pound. Bureaucrats who think with, you know, he calls it their tuchises, he charges 15 dollars a pound. The sheep who voted for Obama, he's got lots of real ones besides the votes he claims he generated from thin air, he charges 20 dollars a pound..."
BSP: "But according to Federal records, your attempt to frame Rabbi Schmoigerman was a complete and total failure due to his own earlier collaboration with Federal officials and his successful disabling of your microphone."
Drek: "But why do I need a microphone? Everyone trusts Solomon Drek or they wouldn't have invested 300 million dollars with me."
BSP: "Did Rabbi Schmoigerman offer the brains of your investors for sale? Those I think are worth about 30 dollars a pound. Clearly hardly used properly and never used for too much intensive thought and analysis".
Solomon Drek then attempted to whack our reporter with a fake Gucci (Guchi) bag filled with kidney beans. As this is a violation of his house arrest, we expect him to begin enjoying an extended stay in the Hot Showers Federal Resort and Respite Facility in Otisville shortly.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
The Petek and the Nigun - A Revelation from the Admou"r
BS"D
Today, at the notorious Creedmoorer Mitvoch Shabbos Tisch, the Admou"r meCreedmoor shared a stunning revelation with his 150 quintillion Chassidim:
"When I was first diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome, a man in a white coat handed me a mysterious note. On it was written:
'My insurance fires will burn until the end of time. Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah'.
I did not know what this meant until I realized that it was a message to me to continue burning buildings for insurance purposes while living in Creedmoor until the end of time. And I was of course to call our Chassidus after this holy and exalted place, the place to which the Shechina, the holy presence of the yetzer horo, is exiled but is released in blinding brilliance every time another building is burned."
And I have composed a niggun to remind all of the great segula which we must recite whenever we are approached by an officer of the law of the great Soton, the United States of Americhke, to which we owe no allegiance and from which we receive much welfare. Since the officers of the law do not understand the Zionist tongue, and since they are profane and may not be spoken to in Hungarian, I have composed the niggun in Tzioinish":
Mi shesaraf lo et habinyan lebituach
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi shechotem arba paamim lewelfare
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi sheyashav lo shnatayim bebeit sohar
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yetze misham, ish ashir leolam
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
The Admou"r then instructed his bravest followers to call themselves Lama Ma Ma Ma's and to stop traffic and carjack as many cars as they could while dancing to this tune and screaming Lama Ma Ma Ma Nikra Creedmooriah in the middle of the street.
Thus, the Admou"r hopes to establish himself as a major player in the lucrative field of automotive theft, and related automotive insurance and accident fraud.
Today, at the notorious Creedmoorer Mitvoch Shabbos Tisch, the Admou"r meCreedmoor shared a stunning revelation with his 150 quintillion Chassidim:
"When I was first diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome, a man in a white coat handed me a mysterious note. On it was written:
'My insurance fires will burn until the end of time. Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah'.
I did not know what this meant until I realized that it was a message to me to continue burning buildings for insurance purposes while living in Creedmoor until the end of time. And I was of course to call our Chassidus after this holy and exalted place, the place to which the Shechina, the holy presence of the yetzer horo, is exiled but is released in blinding brilliance every time another building is burned."
And I have composed a niggun to remind all of the great segula which we must recite whenever we are approached by an officer of the law of the great Soton, the United States of Americhke, to which we owe no allegiance and from which we receive much welfare. Since the officers of the law do not understand the Zionist tongue, and since they are profane and may not be spoken to in Hungarian, I have composed the niggun in Tzioinish":
Mi shesaraf lo et habinyan lebituach
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi shechotem arba paamim lewelfare
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi sheyashav lo shnatayim bebeit sohar
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yetze misham, ish ashir leolam
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
The Admou"r then instructed his bravest followers to call themselves Lama Ma Ma Ma's and to stop traffic and carjack as many cars as they could while dancing to this tune and screaming Lama Ma Ma Ma Nikra Creedmooriah in the middle of the street.
Thus, the Admou"r hopes to establish himself as a major player in the lucrative field of automotive theft, and related automotive insurance and accident fraud.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Solomon Drek gets his due from the Admou"r
BS"D
Solomon Drek thought he had a sure fire ticket to immunity from prosecution for his myriad real estate shenanigans, as well as a nice percentage of the take for his mesira of one Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, (better known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor), to the FBI.
However, in his avarice and desire for a get out of jail free card, he did not take into account the fact that the entire "SQUIRREL" voter registration project which led to the election of the present Federal misadministration was masterminded by none other than Schmoigerman and his congregation of one hundred and fifty quintillion preposterously fictitious souls. This meant Schmoigerman was immune from any sort of prosecution as his votes were necessary to guarantee the election of an Affirmative Action and welfare based administration many, many times over.
Therefore, when Drek was on his way to meet his former Rebbe and present nemesis, Schmoigerman was warned by the very same Mr deBris who was supposedly deploying Drek that said excrementalist was wearing a hidden microphone.
Not only did Schmoigerman place an elaborate circuitry in his tin foil shtreimel which in turn disabled Drek's rather drekish microphone, but said tin foil shtreimel boasted a large and visible microphone on its very top!
When Drek saw this, he knew he was dealing with someone who, well, was not playing with a full deck, or even a full Drek. Therefore, he made his offer with nothing but brazen chutzpah:
"Rabbi, I have here $350,000 in food stamps that I got from selling phony Gucci and Prada bags in Chinatown, and another 500,000 that I got from selling a kidney I harvested myself in Nigeria to an oil sheikh in Kuwait..."
"Drekele, myne Drekele, so long since I saw you and your uncle here, and what is with your father's yeshiva. You want I should take those food stamps and give you cash for your father's yeshiva. Never a problem, the way you learn Choshen Mishpat there is the same way we learn it here but I'm confirmed majnoun, you know, meshigge, by all 50 states and the UN and EU. Your uncle is just stam a gonif who I protect by laundering his crack with my powdered bleach and his money in my washing machine. Here, give me the food shtempelach, I make to your father's yeshiva a big check in US funds..."
Solomon Drek could not believe his ears. Conversion of food stamps to cash - felony. Conversion of illegally obtained food stamps to cash - even bigger felony. Illegal donation to a non profit organization - super felony. He, little, unappetizing, greasy, ugly, nearsighted, Slow-mo Shlomo, the laughingstock of his grade school class even if his father was the rosh yeshiva, would be the man who broke the Schmoigerman one man crime syndicate. This guy was no majnoun besides, and he spoke in almost perfect English so he could not claim he swam off some boat from Hungary!
The Admou"r then continued: "OK, here, here in this envelope is dyne check. You open it only when you leave here, I don't want that the cameras should see because I'm not supposed to have checking accounts in US funds only my own currency and food stamps..."
In reality, the check was worthless and drawn on a shul account held at the now defunct Washington Immemorial bank.
Drek then further propositioned the Admou"r: "Rabbi, I need one more kidney, the guy in Kuwait insists he wants two transplanted and not one. Can you get me one for say, $180,000?"
"Sure! I have 150 quintillion Chassidim! You don't think I can spare a kidney or two? We could go into business, you and me, selling kidneys and fake bags to all the yachnes in Boro Park so they can make cholent! OK, here we go. Jacinto Schmoigerman O'Donnelly, he is my nephew from my third rebbetzin, he lives on 38 Rodent Mill Road, Verminville, Queens. You go there, he is waiting for you. Better yet, hold on, let me check my refrigerator..."
Dreck thought to himself...phoney address but still an attempt to sell body parts...fraud times ten....
And then he was rudely awakened from his reverie:
"Drek, here, here is your kidney beans, three pounds, and some franks also, and here I teach you how to make Sholam Weiss Kosher Franks and Beans, there is the recipe inside the fake Prada bag. OK. There, you have that, you have your address, and you have your check. What more do you want? You take the bags and the beans and the franks to all the stores and see who wants to buy. I give them the schoire, you get 20% out of my 120%. OK. That is all you need for your father's yeshiva..."
Solomon Drek got the message, fast.
And when he returned to his palatial home in Long Arm of the Law, New Joisey, he was greeted by Federal marshals who had heard the transmission from the Admour's microphone. Solomon Drek knew he would be celebrating many, many siyumei masechtos in one Federal Koilel or another starting very soon.
Score. Drek -10000 Schmoigerman 10.
Solomon Drek thought he had a sure fire ticket to immunity from prosecution for his myriad real estate shenanigans, as well as a nice percentage of the take for his mesira of one Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, (better known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor), to the FBI.
However, in his avarice and desire for a get out of jail free card, he did not take into account the fact that the entire "SQUIRREL" voter registration project which led to the election of the present Federal misadministration was masterminded by none other than Schmoigerman and his congregation of one hundred and fifty quintillion preposterously fictitious souls. This meant Schmoigerman was immune from any sort of prosecution as his votes were necessary to guarantee the election of an Affirmative Action and welfare based administration many, many times over.
Therefore, when Drek was on his way to meet his former Rebbe and present nemesis, Schmoigerman was warned by the very same Mr deBris who was supposedly deploying Drek that said excrementalist was wearing a hidden microphone.
Not only did Schmoigerman place an elaborate circuitry in his tin foil shtreimel which in turn disabled Drek's rather drekish microphone, but said tin foil shtreimel boasted a large and visible microphone on its very top!
When Drek saw this, he knew he was dealing with someone who, well, was not playing with a full deck, or even a full Drek. Therefore, he made his offer with nothing but brazen chutzpah:
"Rabbi, I have here $350,000 in food stamps that I got from selling phony Gucci and Prada bags in Chinatown, and another 500,000 that I got from selling a kidney I harvested myself in Nigeria to an oil sheikh in Kuwait..."
"Drekele, myne Drekele, so long since I saw you and your uncle here, and what is with your father's yeshiva. You want I should take those food stamps and give you cash for your father's yeshiva. Never a problem, the way you learn Choshen Mishpat there is the same way we learn it here but I'm confirmed majnoun, you know, meshigge, by all 50 states and the UN and EU. Your uncle is just stam a gonif who I protect by laundering his crack with my powdered bleach and his money in my washing machine. Here, give me the food shtempelach, I make to your father's yeshiva a big check in US funds..."
Solomon Drek could not believe his ears. Conversion of food stamps to cash - felony. Conversion of illegally obtained food stamps to cash - even bigger felony. Illegal donation to a non profit organization - super felony. He, little, unappetizing, greasy, ugly, nearsighted, Slow-mo Shlomo, the laughingstock of his grade school class even if his father was the rosh yeshiva, would be the man who broke the Schmoigerman one man crime syndicate. This guy was no majnoun besides, and he spoke in almost perfect English so he could not claim he swam off some boat from Hungary!
The Admou"r then continued: "OK, here, here in this envelope is dyne check. You open it only when you leave here, I don't want that the cameras should see because I'm not supposed to have checking accounts in US funds only my own currency and food stamps..."
In reality, the check was worthless and drawn on a shul account held at the now defunct Washington Immemorial bank.
Drek then further propositioned the Admou"r: "Rabbi, I need one more kidney, the guy in Kuwait insists he wants two transplanted and not one. Can you get me one for say, $180,000?"
"Sure! I have 150 quintillion Chassidim! You don't think I can spare a kidney or two? We could go into business, you and me, selling kidneys and fake bags to all the yachnes in Boro Park so they can make cholent! OK, here we go. Jacinto Schmoigerman O'Donnelly, he is my nephew from my third rebbetzin, he lives on 38 Rodent Mill Road, Verminville, Queens. You go there, he is waiting for you. Better yet, hold on, let me check my refrigerator..."
Dreck thought to himself...phoney address but still an attempt to sell body parts...fraud times ten....
And then he was rudely awakened from his reverie:
"Drek, here, here is your kidney beans, three pounds, and some franks also, and here I teach you how to make Sholam Weiss Kosher Franks and Beans, there is the recipe inside the fake Prada bag. OK. There, you have that, you have your address, and you have your check. What more do you want? You take the bags and the beans and the franks to all the stores and see who wants to buy. I give them the schoire, you get 20% out of my 120%. OK. That is all you need for your father's yeshiva..."
Solomon Drek got the message, fast.
And when he returned to his palatial home in Long Arm of the Law, New Joisey, he was greeted by Federal marshals who had heard the transmission from the Admour's microphone. Solomon Drek knew he would be celebrating many, many siyumei masechtos in one Federal Koilel or another starting very soon.
Score. Drek -10000 Schmoigerman 10.
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