BS"D
Among the few true, meaning flesh-and-blood, chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is a strange fellow who everyone calls Shoeless Joe.
Yossel Wercberger, Yossel Weinberger, Yossel Schwartz, Yossel Weiss, Yossel Fekete, Yossel Feher, Jose Blanco, or whatever other names he has on his growing collection of welfare ID's and section 8 vouchers, truly is an object of pity. He was born with two left feet attached to his right knee facing inward, and of course he cannot walk or wear any sort of normal shoe.
But Shoeless Joe is now in litigation with Cole-Haan, Reebok, Kenneth Cole, Florsheim, Gucci, Prada, Weston, Allen-Edmonds, Nike, New Balance, Adidas, Puma, Doc Martens, DSW, Payless, and practically every department store chain in the US, Europe and Asia. Timberland has been mercifully spared from his activism, because he is such a diehard anti-Zionist that he refuses to even speak to a firm that supports the Zionist entity as much as Timberland does.
The mastermind behind this avalanche of lawsuits is his lawyer, Kalman Schmoigerman, a distant cousin and devoted follower of the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Schmoigerman, who is disbarred in every state except Mississippi, realizes there is a fortune to be made in ADA discrimination suits. Schmoigerman and Joe are suing all of the parties named above because there are no shoes manufactured or sold for someone with Joe's condition, which affects 0001% of the population.
In the bizarre world of ADA litigation and shyster lawyering, this of course qualifies as discrimination. In addition, Joe, who uses a wheelchair, is suing several houses of ill repute in Nevada because they do not have disabled access ramps. Never mind that Joe has never been to Nevada and cannot spell Nevada - he wants to make sure that others like him have access to entertainment of a type that he cannot enjoy because of another disability that I cannot explain in detail without taking this publication into the murky realm of an R rating.
Joe, who in any case is well provided for by the Creedmoor Ershte-Hilf-Der-Rebbe welfare fraud organization, will get 10 per cent of the take of any attorney's fees awarded to Schmoigerman. Each lawsuit is for the cost of two left high-heeled red patent leather women's platform shoes, size 13 WWW, which depending upon the manufacturer could reach as much as $1500 or more. Schmoigerman is also trying to have each defendant pay his fees, which amount to $1000 per hour, a fee that he reduced from $3000 per hour ever since he was disbarred in 1998 for a host of felonies including mishandling escrow funds. (He remains able to practice law in Mississippi due to the inability of the state bar association to believe there is actually an attorney named Kalman Schmoigerman who was ever allowed to practice anywhere.)
And what did Schmoigerman do with those escrow funds? He purchased several houses of ill repute in Nevada, along with insurance policies that cover him in the event of an ADA discrimination suit.
(Based on the pathetic but true story of Zoltan Hirsch: http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpps/news/amputee-sues-non-handicapped-accessible-businesses-dpgonc-km-20110605_13541675)
Monday, June 06, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman
BS"D
Well, until Lag beOmer night I never knew there was a real Creedmoorer Chassidus, where the behavior of reshoim is condoned by the leadership of the Chassidus. I knew that there are reshoim in every Chassidus, and every yeshiva, and every shul, because without them there is no tzibur - tzadikim-benonim-reshoim. These bad apples don't bother me either, because we're in golus and there will always be people who succumb to their worst tayves. After all, if there were no aveiros, we would not have any dinei mamoinos and dinei nefashois in Torah - nowhere does it say that eating only mehadrin means you will not succumb to the temptation to try your luck at a harebrained insurance scam that lands you 10 years of enforced kollel study.
Unfortunately, there is such a Chassidus.
Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman. New Square is Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. There is no way he did not know and condone what was going on - not in a shtetl that consists of a few square blocks where he is the undisputed despot.
Dovid Twersky-Schmoigerman (you are a stain on your noble surname and you truly merit the one I added on because it comes from shoiteh-menivel-gas ruach, but you're not even a man because you have OTHERS commit crimes and do the time for YOUR scams and rishus), SHYGETZ AROSS! Time to close down your Talibanistan in Rockland County. Because of you, ten more kids will go off the derech every day that the news carries the disgusting goings-on in your New Abbottabad. You're no better than Helbrans with his cult up in Quebec - except that he doesn't finance his moisdos with government fraud and have others sit for him.
I guess there are ten righteous people in your Sdom (Zishe Schmeltzer, his father amus"h and a few others) or else the whole place would have gone on fire when your thug hoiz bochur did what he did.
Half of your people, the good ones, want to leave town anyway. The other half can be split between Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital, Sing Sing and Otisville.
The time for these shtetlach is over. When you could not be frum in the city, when Reform was claiming victims from frum homes, when the 60's and 70s' drug culture was claiming Yidden, getting away from it all made sense. Now, we can live as we are commanded to anywhere we want and bring Yidden closer as we do so. These shtetlach just keep people behind the times and keep people from growing both beruchnius and begashmius.
Well, until Lag beOmer night I never knew there was a real Creedmoorer Chassidus, where the behavior of reshoim is condoned by the leadership of the Chassidus. I knew that there are reshoim in every Chassidus, and every yeshiva, and every shul, because without them there is no tzibur - tzadikim-benonim-reshoim. These bad apples don't bother me either, because we're in golus and there will always be people who succumb to their worst tayves. After all, if there were no aveiros, we would not have any dinei mamoinos and dinei nefashois in Torah - nowhere does it say that eating only mehadrin means you will not succumb to the temptation to try your luck at a harebrained insurance scam that lands you 10 years of enforced kollel study.
Unfortunately, there is such a Chassidus.
Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman. New Square is Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. There is no way he did not know and condone what was going on - not in a shtetl that consists of a few square blocks where he is the undisputed despot.
Dovid Twersky-Schmoigerman (you are a stain on your noble surname and you truly merit the one I added on because it comes from shoiteh-menivel-gas ruach, but you're not even a man because you have OTHERS commit crimes and do the time for YOUR scams and rishus), SHYGETZ AROSS! Time to close down your Talibanistan in Rockland County. Because of you, ten more kids will go off the derech every day that the news carries the disgusting goings-on in your New Abbottabad. You're no better than Helbrans with his cult up in Quebec - except that he doesn't finance his moisdos with government fraud and have others sit for him.
I guess there are ten righteous people in your Sdom (Zishe Schmeltzer, his father amus"h and a few others) or else the whole place would have gone on fire when your thug hoiz bochur did what he did.
Half of your people, the good ones, want to leave town anyway. The other half can be split between Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital, Sing Sing and Otisville.
The time for these shtetlach is over. When you could not be frum in the city, when Reform was claiming victims from frum homes, when the 60's and 70s' drug culture was claiming Yidden, getting away from it all made sense. Now, we can live as we are commanded to anywhere we want and bring Yidden closer as we do so. These shtetlach just keep people behind the times and keep people from growing both beruchnius and begashmius.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
New A Crapella Niggunim Coming
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor remains in an insurance-mandated coma for the foreseeable future. However, we at Creedmoor Publications Group (Der Shygetz - Di Pritza - Der Oisvorf and Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashkvilke) have discovered a treasure trove of niggunim which were composed by the Admou"r during his last visit to Gai Ben Hinnom.
These hylige niggunim, with titles including: "Der Falsche-Phony President," "Food Shtemps Far Alle Yidden," and "Shkootzim, Shkootzim" will be released before Lag Be'Oimer (Creedmoorer Lag beOimer which is 33 days after Yom HaAtzamois), even if their composer might not be released in this millenium.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor remains in an insurance-mandated coma for the foreseeable future. However, we at Creedmoor Publications Group (Der Shygetz - Di Pritza - Der Oisvorf and Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashkvilke) have discovered a treasure trove of niggunim which were composed by the Admou"r during his last visit to Gai Ben Hinnom.
These hylige niggunim, with titles including: "Der Falsche-Phony President," "Food Shtemps Far Alle Yidden," and "Shkootzim, Shkootzim" will be released before Lag Be'Oimer (Creedmoorer Lag beOimer which is 33 days after Yom HaAtzamois), even if their composer might not be released in this millenium.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Admou"r meCreedmoor Speaks About Iran, Egypt and Tunisia
BS"D
"The revolutions in Egypt and Tunisia succeeded because the governments there did not make sure their women kept tznius. In Iran, women are not allowed out on the street in pritzusdige dress, and it is the government that makes sure of this. Therefore, the hyliger Islamic regime in Iran will last for as long as we are able to delay the coming of Moshiach, whereas the Egyptian and Tunisian regimes simply crumbled. We must protect the hyliger Obama regime so that we can continue to receive our much needed subsidies upon which we live, so we must maintain the highest levels of tznius, including birqelach when we mingle with tzioinim and other shkootzim, and chadorimlach when women mingle together."
From the latest Creedmoor Tznius Manual: Not One Inch Shall Remain Exposed, written by Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoia Yachne Schmoigerman and based on the talks from the tail of her husband, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
"The revolutions in Egypt and Tunisia succeeded because the governments there did not make sure their women kept tznius. In Iran, women are not allowed out on the street in pritzusdige dress, and it is the government that makes sure of this. Therefore, the hyliger Islamic regime in Iran will last for as long as we are able to delay the coming of Moshiach, whereas the Egyptian and Tunisian regimes simply crumbled. We must protect the hyliger Obama regime so that we can continue to receive our much needed subsidies upon which we live, so we must maintain the highest levels of tznius, including birqelach when we mingle with tzioinim and other shkootzim, and chadorimlach when women mingle together."
From the latest Creedmoor Tznius Manual: Not One Inch Shall Remain Exposed, written by Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoia Yachne Schmoigerman and based on the talks from the tail of her husband, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Creedmoor Introduces: "Maayanei hoRefieh" (Medicare Springs) Rehabilitation and Long Term Care Center
BS"D
Are you an active older person who is looking for some passive income?
Do you have an older relative who is healthy but bored and wants to make a little money on the side?
Have you recently lost a relative who has named you executor of his will?
If so, we have the perfect solution:
Maayanei hoRefieh is an absentee long term care and rehabilitation program that allows patients in any health condition, including deceased, to register as inpatients without requiring more than a monthly visit to sign papers. We have no inpatient facilities at all and there are no medical tests required.
The papers provide us with a substantial income to cover medical costs which we never really incur for the many phantom illnesses and injuries that you or your loved one will be diagnosed with for private and public insurance purposes only.
Our average patient nets $3500 - $10,000 for his percentage of our monthly take, and there is no risk because we issue a separate Social Security number or two to each of our patients and that number is the one used to claim benefits. We accept up to five patients from one family or address and there is no charge for enrollment.
Testimonials:
"My shvigger finally peygered, and she never did anything but take from us all these years. Now, I can finally make a few toisent every month to support my son in koilel just by signing her name to a couple of sheets of paper every month." Chaikel Ferdkhapper.
"I just got out of Federal koilel for being too git an insurance adjuster, so I was looking far a new easy way tzi machen a leben. I signed myself up as disabled because the prison shrink says like I am having acute sociopathy and every month I just have to pose mit a wheelchair and a walker and have myne picture taken and I gets two tousent a month far me and five far each from myne eltern baabes in zaydes alyhem hashoolem! I even is tellink my parole officer I is certified disabled so I doesn't have to see him no more." Anonymous
To find out more, please come to our Open House this coming Sunday at Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-Ward, Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor. Tel 1-800-GEZEL-55. We will be serving Herzltashen in honor of the Tzioinish holiday of Peerim.
Are you an active older person who is looking for some passive income?
Do you have an older relative who is healthy but bored and wants to make a little money on the side?
Have you recently lost a relative who has named you executor of his will?
If so, we have the perfect solution:
Maayanei hoRefieh is an absentee long term care and rehabilitation program that allows patients in any health condition, including deceased, to register as inpatients without requiring more than a monthly visit to sign papers. We have no inpatient facilities at all and there are no medical tests required.
The papers provide us with a substantial income to cover medical costs which we never really incur for the many phantom illnesses and injuries that you or your loved one will be diagnosed with for private and public insurance purposes only.
Our average patient nets $3500 - $10,000 for his percentage of our monthly take, and there is no risk because we issue a separate Social Security number or two to each of our patients and that number is the one used to claim benefits. We accept up to five patients from one family or address and there is no charge for enrollment.
Testimonials:
"My shvigger finally peygered, and she never did anything but take from us all these years. Now, I can finally make a few toisent every month to support my son in koilel just by signing her name to a couple of sheets of paper every month." Chaikel Ferdkhapper.
"I just got out of Federal koilel for being too git an insurance adjuster, so I was looking far a new easy way tzi machen a leben. I signed myself up as disabled because the prison shrink says like I am having acute sociopathy and every month I just have to pose mit a wheelchair and a walker and have myne picture taken and I gets two tousent a month far me and five far each from myne eltern baabes in zaydes alyhem hashoolem! I even is tellink my parole officer I is certified disabled so I doesn't have to see him no more." Anonymous
To find out more, please come to our Open House this coming Sunday at Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-Ward, Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor. Tel 1-800-GEZEL-55. We will be serving Herzltashen in honor of the Tzioinish holiday of Peerim.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Creedmoor Proudly Sponsors "The 120 Denier Seminary!"
BS"D
Are you worried that your precious Bas Yisrooel might be exposed to bad influences during her year in Eretz Yisrooel? Do you want to make sure she is closed off from anything to do with the timadige medine?
We, the dedicated hanhala of Bnos Burqa - the 120 denier seminary - make sure that your daughter is never exposed to tima because our dress code prevents her from being exposed to much of anything!
We are the only seminary that insists your precious daughter wears her burqa to class as well as when walking around our campus, which she is not permitted to leave without three iron-clad madrichois who are selected for their dedication to extreme tznius as prescribed by our hyliger sifrei sharia. We insist that our girls cover their eyes when not on campus, and our madrichois will guide them for both physical and spiritual safety during their walks through the city so that they avoid seeing tzioinish desecration.
Mrs Yachne-Behyme Pashkvilschreiber and her dedicated staff, chosen from the strictest homes in East Jerusalem, make sure that your daughter becomes a real burqa girl who will take the lessons she learned at our seminary with her for her entire life as a true eved to her husband.
We welcome applications from Section 8 and welfare families - we accept food stamps for our comfortable 12 monthly installment payments for tuition and burqa rental.
"My Magyfaleh was actually wasting her time doing chessed projects in her old sem, like visiting Yidden wounded by terrorist attacks that were caused by the tziyoinim who oppress the innocent Palestinians. She was picking up the krimmest tzioinish hashkofos and mamesh goyishkeit! I pulled her out and put her into Bnos Burqa and she came out a real tzadekes, ready to get married so she can apply for her own welfare and Section 8!" (Byreh-Cholere Tzifloigenberger, Kiryas Naye Circle)
Are you worried that your precious Bas Yisrooel might be exposed to bad influences during her year in Eretz Yisrooel? Do you want to make sure she is closed off from anything to do with the timadige medine?
We, the dedicated hanhala of Bnos Burqa - the 120 denier seminary - make sure that your daughter is never exposed to tima because our dress code prevents her from being exposed to much of anything!
We are the only seminary that insists your precious daughter wears her burqa to class as well as when walking around our campus, which she is not permitted to leave without three iron-clad madrichois who are selected for their dedication to extreme tznius as prescribed by our hyliger sifrei sharia. We insist that our girls cover their eyes when not on campus, and our madrichois will guide them for both physical and spiritual safety during their walks through the city so that they avoid seeing tzioinish desecration.
Mrs Yachne-Behyme Pashkvilschreiber and her dedicated staff, chosen from the strictest homes in East Jerusalem, make sure that your daughter becomes a real burqa girl who will take the lessons she learned at our seminary with her for her entire life as a true eved to her husband.
We welcome applications from Section 8 and welfare families - we accept food stamps for our comfortable 12 monthly installment payments for tuition and burqa rental.
"My Magyfaleh was actually wasting her time doing chessed projects in her old sem, like visiting Yidden wounded by terrorist attacks that were caused by the tziyoinim who oppress the innocent Palestinians. She was picking up the krimmest tzioinish hashkofos and mamesh goyishkeit! I pulled her out and put her into Bnos Burqa and she came out a real tzadekes, ready to get married so she can apply for her own welfare and Section 8!" (Byreh-Cholere Tzifloigenberger, Kiryas Naye Circle)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Admou"r MeCreedmoor Awakens: Will Send Three Quintillion Troops to Back Ghadaffi
BS"D
After a long hibernation in which it was said that he induced symptoms of multiple personality failure in order to avoid prosecution for gross fraud, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, arose from his deathbed to offer assistance to fellow lunatic Muammar el-Ghadaffi of Libya.
"After my friend Reb Muammar said...when I do, everything will burn..I remembered I have insurance on several tents in Libya. So I want to help him make sure everything will burn," the reclusive self-proclaimed leader of 150 quintillion self-proclaimed souls said. "Therefore, I am offering three quintillion of my strongest men and eleven million gallons of rancid galle to the Ghadaffi army in order to fight against those who would dare rebel against the tzaddik ha-dor!"
The Admou"r, who seems to proclaim his own cessation of existence from time to time yet somehow manages to collect various entitlement and subsidy programs for more people than ever existed since the creation of the world, may not have any strong men to send. According to welfare records, every single one of his faithful is either on life support, quadriplegic, blind, deaf, developmentally disabled, or whatever combination of ailments and impediments will get the most sympathy from his network of suborned welfare social workers.
In addition, the Admou"r is said to have built a thirty-two million dollar gravesite for himself, so that he can prove his own demise in the event of arrest or indictment. On April 1, which is the anniversary of his "death" as well as the anniversary of his committment to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center's abandoned D-ward, the grave somehow comes to life when thousands of pilgrims, all of whom share the same address at a Mailboxes Plus in Queens, arrive to pray at the "holy" site.
Middle East observers discount Schmoigerman's offer as another attempt to ensure that the "rabbi" retains the diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome and delusions of grandeur that keeps him in Creedmoor and out of Otisville, where he is said to have both followers and competitors.
Muammar el-Ghadaffi was unable to be reached for comment. His line was busy fielding calls from three quintillion brain-damaged quadriplegics on life support who need transport to arrive in Libya and fight for the Ghadaffi cause.
After a long hibernation in which it was said that he induced symptoms of multiple personality failure in order to avoid prosecution for gross fraud, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, arose from his deathbed to offer assistance to fellow lunatic Muammar el-Ghadaffi of Libya.
"After my friend Reb Muammar said...when I do, everything will burn..I remembered I have insurance on several tents in Libya. So I want to help him make sure everything will burn," the reclusive self-proclaimed leader of 150 quintillion self-proclaimed souls said. "Therefore, I am offering three quintillion of my strongest men and eleven million gallons of rancid galle to the Ghadaffi army in order to fight against those who would dare rebel against the tzaddik ha-dor!"
The Admou"r, who seems to proclaim his own cessation of existence from time to time yet somehow manages to collect various entitlement and subsidy programs for more people than ever existed since the creation of the world, may not have any strong men to send. According to welfare records, every single one of his faithful is either on life support, quadriplegic, blind, deaf, developmentally disabled, or whatever combination of ailments and impediments will get the most sympathy from his network of suborned welfare social workers.
In addition, the Admou"r is said to have built a thirty-two million dollar gravesite for himself, so that he can prove his own demise in the event of arrest or indictment. On April 1, which is the anniversary of his "death" as well as the anniversary of his committment to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center's abandoned D-ward, the grave somehow comes to life when thousands of pilgrims, all of whom share the same address at a Mailboxes Plus in Queens, arrive to pray at the "holy" site.
Middle East observers discount Schmoigerman's offer as another attempt to ensure that the "rabbi" retains the diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome and delusions of grandeur that keeps him in Creedmoor and out of Otisville, where he is said to have both followers and competitors.
Muammar el-Ghadaffi was unable to be reached for comment. His line was busy fielding calls from three quintillion brain-damaged quadriplegics on life support who need transport to arrive in Libya and fight for the Ghadaffi cause.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Creedmoor is gone - but I have reappeared
BS"D
Those who read the Tzioinish loshon of the apikorus, koifer and all around rooshe Ben-Yehuda of not so blessed memory are invited to meet the Israeli "Sefardi" version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaRav (im atzmo veim kulam) Itzhak Arnona (pronounced Ahr-NOOO-naah). Rav Arnona is an expert in all things Gehennom and he can get even the biggest rosho out of there...if the price is right. And of course, Creedmoor fans will recognize the fundraising methods of this great haham balailot as being very similar to that of their favorite retired Admou"r.
So, donate 10 shekels to Rav Arnona now and get a 100 shekel tax receipt at http://guehinnom.blogspot.com (in case anyone is wondering about the spelling, that is how you write Gehennom in Frenkish, I mean French and I took it because the usual spelling was taken already).
Those who read the Tzioinish loshon of the apikorus, koifer and all around rooshe Ben-Yehuda of not so blessed memory are invited to meet the Israeli "Sefardi" version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaRav (im atzmo veim kulam) Itzhak Arnona (pronounced Ahr-NOOO-naah). Rav Arnona is an expert in all things Gehennom and he can get even the biggest rosho out of there...if the price is right. And of course, Creedmoor fans will recognize the fundraising methods of this great haham balailot as being very similar to that of their favorite retired Admou"r.
So, donate 10 shekels to Rav Arnona now and get a 100 shekel tax receipt at http://guehinnom.blogspot.com (in case anyone is wondering about the spelling, that is how you write Gehennom in Frenkish, I mean French and I took it because the usual spelling was taken already).
Creedmoor is gone - but I have reappeared
BS"D
Those who read the Tzioinish loshon of the apikorus, koifer and all around rooshe Ben-Yehuda of not so blessed memory are invited to meet the Israeli "Sefardi" version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaRav (im atzmo veim kulam) Itzhak Arnona (pronounced Ahr-NOOO-naah). Rav Arnona is an expert in all things Gehennom and he can get even the biggest rosho out of there...if the price is right. And of course, Creedmoor fans will recognize the fundraising methods of this great haham balailot as being very similar to that of their favorite retired Admou"r.
So, donate 10 shekels to Rav Arnona now and get a 100 shekel tax receipt at http://guehinnom.blogspot.com (in case anyone is wondering about the spelling, that is how you write Gehennom in Frenkish, I mean French and I took it because the usual spelling was taken already).
Those who read the Tzioinish loshon of the apikorus, koifer and all around rooshe Ben-Yehuda of not so blessed memory are invited to meet the Israeli "Sefardi" version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaRav (im atzmo veim kulam) Itzhak Arnona (pronounced Ahr-NOOO-naah). Rav Arnona is an expert in all things Gehennom and he can get even the biggest rosho out of there...if the price is right. And of course, Creedmoor fans will recognize the fundraising methods of this great haham balailot as being very similar to that of their favorite retired Admou"r.
So, donate 10 shekels to Rav Arnona now and get a 100 shekel tax receipt at http://guehinnom.blogspot.com (in case anyone is wondering about the spelling, that is how you write Gehennom in Frenkish, I mean French and I took it because the usual spelling was taken already).
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The End of a Long Run: Farewell
BS"D
Creedmoor has come to an end. I had fun writing it and it had a long, if somewhat quiet, run, but it is time to call it a day.
I am busier now than ever before, and the spark is just gone. Perhaps I will return to underground satire with new topics and new characters, but the Admou"r and his Chassidim now live on only in the archives - and in the vacant halls of D-ward in Creedmoor.
Farewell, all - and remember that it is better to live in darkness than to burn your own heavily insured warehouse down for light!
Creedmoor has come to an end. I had fun writing it and it had a long, if somewhat quiet, run, but it is time to call it a day.
I am busier now than ever before, and the spark is just gone. Perhaps I will return to underground satire with new topics and new characters, but the Admou"r and his Chassidim now live on only in the archives - and in the vacant halls of D-ward in Creedmoor.
Farewell, all - and remember that it is better to live in darkness than to burn your own heavily insured warehouse down for light!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Return of Freeky Freedy
BS"D
This time, it is not MAF, or any other member of the Ku Klutz Kartel, who has been bestowed with the moniker Freeky Freedy. In fact, this Freeky Freedy is not even haimish, not by a longshot.
Instead, our latest Creedmoor born and bred stain on the Friedman surname is actually a multiple personality of the Admou"r who spews his anti-Israel tomfoolery on the editorial pages of a major newspaper - and that paper has no idea it is paying its renowned Putzwhancker Prize winning commentator's salary right to Creedmoor.
The story begins when the Admou"r meCreedmoor realized he had to get his message of destruction of the Zionist entity and promotion of entitlement programs out to a wider audience.
One summer day, a follower happened to bring him a phony pre-war Hungarian welfare card in the name of Friedmann Tamasz. The card was issued in 1911 to a disabled veteran by that name who had fought with the troops of Attila the Hun, and with a birthdate somewhere around 396 CE it followed that the good soldier Friedmann was approximately a millenium and a half old at the time the card was issued back around the end of the 19th century EOS (Era of Shkootzim).
Such a card was perfect for the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and he immediately signed ancient and fictitious Tamasz bacsi up for a few rounds of welfare, Medicare, Medicaid and retroactive aid from the Hungarian government.
At the same time, the Admou"r's one somewhat intelligent follower, a college student who had fallen under the spell of much Arab propaganda, had brought a ream of anti-Israel articles and papers to his Admou"r for a brooche.
The Admou"r seized the papers, and asked the student for the address of the New York Times. Once he found the address, he duly submitted a few of the papers under the name "Tamasz Friedmann," with a note that he, Dovid Schmoigerman, was Friedmann's literary agent.
Of course, the NYT, which prints any sort of anti-Israel claptrap, was very pleased. And little by little, the Admou"r sent the rest of the papers. He kept the flow going by asking his talmid and Chossid to write a new one every week, claiming it would be printed in the English language edition of Der Shygetz, knowing that his student would never know that such a derisive name is given to the New York Times by many a Creedmoorer Chossid who confuses it with this very august online publication that you are now reading.
Tamasz Friedmann's name was anglicized to Tom Friedman, and all the rest is history.
And all of the cheques being sent to "Tamasz Friedmann" are being cashed by..."Schmoigerman Literary Consultants" every week, to this very day.
(NB: The gentleman whose photograph appears in the NYT under the name "Tom Friedman" is actually illegal Mexican alien Pedro "Mustache Pete" Pendejez, a now deceased dealer in marijuana from Tijuana).
This time, it is not MAF, or any other member of the Ku Klutz Kartel, who has been bestowed with the moniker Freeky Freedy. In fact, this Freeky Freedy is not even haimish, not by a longshot.
Instead, our latest Creedmoor born and bred stain on the Friedman surname is actually a multiple personality of the Admou"r who spews his anti-Israel tomfoolery on the editorial pages of a major newspaper - and that paper has no idea it is paying its renowned Putzwhancker Prize winning commentator's salary right to Creedmoor.
The story begins when the Admou"r meCreedmoor realized he had to get his message of destruction of the Zionist entity and promotion of entitlement programs out to a wider audience.
One summer day, a follower happened to bring him a phony pre-war Hungarian welfare card in the name of Friedmann Tamasz. The card was issued in 1911 to a disabled veteran by that name who had fought with the troops of Attila the Hun, and with a birthdate somewhere around 396 CE it followed that the good soldier Friedmann was approximately a millenium and a half old at the time the card was issued back around the end of the 19th century EOS (Era of Shkootzim).
Such a card was perfect for the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and he immediately signed ancient and fictitious Tamasz bacsi up for a few rounds of welfare, Medicare, Medicaid and retroactive aid from the Hungarian government.
At the same time, the Admou"r's one somewhat intelligent follower, a college student who had fallen under the spell of much Arab propaganda, had brought a ream of anti-Israel articles and papers to his Admou"r for a brooche.
The Admou"r seized the papers, and asked the student for the address of the New York Times. Once he found the address, he duly submitted a few of the papers under the name "Tamasz Friedmann," with a note that he, Dovid Schmoigerman, was Friedmann's literary agent.
Of course, the NYT, which prints any sort of anti-Israel claptrap, was very pleased. And little by little, the Admou"r sent the rest of the papers. He kept the flow going by asking his talmid and Chossid to write a new one every week, claiming it would be printed in the English language edition of Der Shygetz, knowing that his student would never know that such a derisive name is given to the New York Times by many a Creedmoorer Chossid who confuses it with this very august online publication that you are now reading.
Tamasz Friedmann's name was anglicized to Tom Friedman, and all the rest is history.
And all of the cheques being sent to "Tamasz Friedmann" are being cashed by..."Schmoigerman Literary Consultants" every week, to this very day.
(NB: The gentleman whose photograph appears in the NYT under the name "Tom Friedman" is actually illegal Mexican alien Pedro "Mustache Pete" Pendejez, a now deceased dealer in marijuana from Tijuana).
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Va'ani zois berisi oisam...the Admou"r is confirmed insane for another year
BS"D
The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.
But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.
He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.
Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.
And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:
"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."
Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.
And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.
Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."
Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.
And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:
"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred ummm...schmum...duck. 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"
And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"
So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.
The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.
But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.
He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.
Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.
And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:
"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."
Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.
And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.
Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."
Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.
And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:
"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred ummm...schmum...duck. 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"
And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"
So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
The Admou"r's Abode
BS"D
We will be back on Sunday when we will present the life and times of the Manganeser Rov, the mysterious guest who actually hails back to the Manganeser Chassidishe hoif of Szarkonosvary, with the name given because of the family's attempt to pass off worthless rock from the outcrop that isolates Szarkonosvary from civliization as valuable manganese which was necessary in what was then the fledgling Hungarian dry cell industry. We will also bring you the results of the Admou'r's yearly mental exam, during which he enshrined himself in Creedmoor for another year by....administering the Talmudic death penalty of sreyfa (immolation by means of molten lead)to....a life sized rubber duckie!
For now, here is a link to the Admou"r's Creedmoor, real pictures of the abandoned sections of the old hospital where only phantom welfare personalities could possibly reside.
http://kingstonlounge.blogspot.com/2008/03/creedmoor-state-hospital-building-25.html
We will be back on Sunday when we will present the life and times of the Manganeser Rov, the mysterious guest who actually hails back to the Manganeser Chassidishe hoif of Szarkonosvary, with the name given because of the family's attempt to pass off worthless rock from the outcrop that isolates Szarkonosvary from civliization as valuable manganese which was necessary in what was then the fledgling Hungarian dry cell industry. We will also bring you the results of the Admou'r's yearly mental exam, during which he enshrined himself in Creedmoor for another year by....administering the Talmudic death penalty of sreyfa (immolation by means of molten lead)to....a life sized rubber duckie!
For now, here is a link to the Admou"r's Creedmoor, real pictures of the abandoned sections of the old hospital where only phantom welfare personalities could possibly reside.
http://kingstonlounge.blogspot.com/2008/03/creedmoor-state-hospital-building-25.html
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Mysterious "Manganeser Rov" Makes Sudden Appearance at Sukkos Kappoores Shuk in Creedmoor
BS"D
We have just received word that a great self proclaimed tzaddik, clearly chief among the eighty (pay) tzaddikim who are so exalted and extinguished that only they know of their own tzidkus, and who calls himself the "Manganeser Rov" (apparently because of his illicit dealings in Albanian manganese ore or perhaps because he touts manganese as an alternative either to lithium or tin foil hats for being able to maintain a diagnosis of criminal insanity) was seen dressed as a chicken with a lulav in his beak at yesterday's grand Creedmoorer Sukkos Kappoores Shuk. The chicken's feathers were painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, and it was accompanied by the Rov's gabbai, Shelimiel Gezelberger, who held up a sign stating that the proceeds of any of the sheva minim bnei Noiach that were purchased from "Khal Adas Manganese" would sponsor the next "Kishke Flotilla" to Gaza which is scheduled to leave from the former Domino Sugar docks in Williamsburgh on vov d'Chol Hamoied Sukkos.
As the kappoores shuk, which is mamash a kappooreh, a kappooreh, a kappooreh, continues throughout all the 12 days of Sukkos in Creedmoor or until the last insured sukkah has been summarily set alight and visited by Hymie the Hymishe Insurance Adjuster, we hope to have more about the Manganeser Rov during (tzioinish) Chol Hamoed.
Rumors that this spectacle was simply an advertisement for a 419 or Ponzi scheme involving manganese could not be confirmed, but when scams and Creedmoor are mentioned in the same sentence, such rumors certainly cannot be denied.
We have just received word that a great self proclaimed tzaddik, clearly chief among the eighty (pay) tzaddikim who are so exalted and extinguished that only they know of their own tzidkus, and who calls himself the "Manganeser Rov" (apparently because of his illicit dealings in Albanian manganese ore or perhaps because he touts manganese as an alternative either to lithium or tin foil hats for being able to maintain a diagnosis of criminal insanity) was seen dressed as a chicken with a lulav in his beak at yesterday's grand Creedmoorer Sukkos Kappoores Shuk. The chicken's feathers were painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, and it was accompanied by the Rov's gabbai, Shelimiel Gezelberger, who held up a sign stating that the proceeds of any of the sheva minim bnei Noiach that were purchased from "Khal Adas Manganese" would sponsor the next "Kishke Flotilla" to Gaza which is scheduled to leave from the former Domino Sugar docks in Williamsburgh on vov d'Chol Hamoied Sukkos.
As the kappoores shuk, which is mamash a kappooreh, a kappooreh, a kappooreh, continues throughout all the 12 days of Sukkos in Creedmoor or until the last insured sukkah has been summarily set alight and visited by Hymie the Hymishe Insurance Adjuster, we hope to have more about the Manganeser Rov during (tzioinish) Chol Hamoed.
Rumors that this spectacle was simply an advertisement for a 419 or Ponzi scheme involving manganese could not be confirmed, but when scams and Creedmoor are mentioned in the same sentence, such rumors certainly cannot be denied.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Creedmoor Will be Back Before Sukkos
BS"D
Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman has awaken from his self induced coma, during which he generated another 30 quintillion multiple personalities, and he is busy spamming welfare departments and insurance companies across the globe to get them "in on the program".
He has also created a new airline, ConAir, based on planes never ordered or purchased by either Continental or United after their merger and with said planes existing only on the insurance rolls, with crashes totalling millions of virtual casualties planned for Chol Hamoed or whenever Creedmoorer gabbai sheini Hymie the Hymish Insurance Adjuster verifies all proper life and liability policies are properly underwritten to benefit the Schmoigerman congregations.
In addition, Schmoigerman's Fund is selling its "12 Day Sukkah Insurance" policies at former kappoores locations throughout Schnooro Park and Munsky as well as in New Joel and Circle on the Square. Maaser of 125% of the insured amount is paid to the Schmoigerman's Fund 30% Annual Interest Gemach upon successful demolition of a sukkah within 12 days of construction and the policy costs $50 per day via EBT or food-shtempelach or $60 a day in Tzioinish currency.
Rumors that the Admou"r meCreedmoor will hold a chicken in his left hand and a lulav in his right during the Avoidah service on Sukkos will be confirmed when he needs to confirm that he really does belong in Creedmoor to avoid prosecution and get enough Oxycodone to treat 180 quintillion deeply pained souls.
Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman has awaken from his self induced coma, during which he generated another 30 quintillion multiple personalities, and he is busy spamming welfare departments and insurance companies across the globe to get them "in on the program".
He has also created a new airline, ConAir, based on planes never ordered or purchased by either Continental or United after their merger and with said planes existing only on the insurance rolls, with crashes totalling millions of virtual casualties planned for Chol Hamoed or whenever Creedmoorer gabbai sheini Hymie the Hymish Insurance Adjuster verifies all proper life and liability policies are properly underwritten to benefit the Schmoigerman congregations.
In addition, Schmoigerman's Fund is selling its "12 Day Sukkah Insurance" policies at former kappoores locations throughout Schnooro Park and Munsky as well as in New Joel and Circle on the Square. Maaser of 125% of the insured amount is paid to the Schmoigerman's Fund 30% Annual Interest Gemach upon successful demolition of a sukkah within 12 days of construction and the policy costs $50 per day via EBT or food-shtempelach or $60 a day in Tzioinish currency.
Rumors that the Admou"r meCreedmoor will hold a chicken in his left hand and a lulav in his right during the Avoidah service on Sukkos will be confirmed when he needs to confirm that he really does belong in Creedmoor to avoid prosecution and get enough Oxycodone to treat 180 quintillion deeply pained souls.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Der Admou"r is Recruiting Internet Trolls
BS"D
1) Who is the biggest Jewish rosho in history?
a) Karl Marx
b) Burech Lebovitz
c) Sholom Mordechai Rubashkin
2) What is the greatest cause of kids going off the derech?
a) The temptations of the outside world
b) Molestation
c) Kids being forced to drink cholov yisroel and miss out on M and M's
3) What is the greatest threat to Yiddishkeit today?
a) Intermarriage
b) Modernity
c) Chabad, Aish, Ohr Somayach
4)
1) Who is the biggest Jewish rosho in history?
a) Karl Marx
b) Burech Lebovitz
c) Sholom Mordechai Rubashkin
2) What is the greatest cause of kids going off the derech?
a) The temptations of the outside world
b) Molestation
c) Kids being forced to drink cholov yisroel and miss out on M and M's
3) What is the greatest threat to Yiddishkeit today?
a) Intermarriage
b) Modernity
c) Chabad, Aish, Ohr Somayach
4)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Creedmoorer to Speak at Simcha Hall Dedication
BS"D
While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.
The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.
It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.
In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"
And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.
While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.
The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.
It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.
In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"
And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.
Creedmoor Forever - just not now!
BS"D
Creedmoor will be back, most probably Chol Hamoed Sukkos.
The Admou"r is presently in a self induced coma in order to be able to claim further mental damage that exacerbates his acute multiple personality syndrome.
This will allow him to colonize most of the solar system and claim welfare from various space exploration bodies as well as double or triple his present figure of 150 quintillion welfare and disability recipients throughout the world.
For those who really wish to say the Admou"r's prakim (pay, tzaddik and 151-613) as a segula to help him create more personalities, his name for passages from the Koran and the Bagit Gitty is Dovid Azazel ben Pesha ve'Resha.
In the meantime, please do whatever you can to prolong this golus and contribute to the redemption of forged food stamps and triple coupons.
On behalf of the Admou"r meCreedmoor,
Sharia Dayan Imam Pandit Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (Yisroel Dovid Scheiss), Creedmoorer Masjid of Monsey
Koskesholislam Ismail Nour as-Sabih (Yisroel Meir Hirsch), Ras ul-Madrassa, Creedmoorer Madrassa Ohel Hagar of Al-Quds as-Sharif.
Creedmoor will be back, most probably Chol Hamoed Sukkos.
The Admou"r is presently in a self induced coma in order to be able to claim further mental damage that exacerbates his acute multiple personality syndrome.
This will allow him to colonize most of the solar system and claim welfare from various space exploration bodies as well as double or triple his present figure of 150 quintillion welfare and disability recipients throughout the world.
For those who really wish to say the Admou"r's prakim (pay, tzaddik and 151-613) as a segula to help him create more personalities, his name for passages from the Koran and the Bagit Gitty is Dovid Azazel ben Pesha ve'Resha.
In the meantime, please do whatever you can to prolong this golus and contribute to the redemption of forged food stamps and triple coupons.
On behalf of the Admou"r meCreedmoor,
Sharia Dayan Imam Pandit Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (Yisroel Dovid Scheiss), Creedmoorer Masjid of Monsey
Koskesholislam Ismail Nour as-Sabih (Yisroel Meir Hirsch), Ras ul-Madrassa, Creedmoorer Madrassa Ohel Hagar of Al-Quds as-Sharif.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Controversial Chassidic Leader Claims Responsibility for Ahmadinejad Attack
BS"D
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the self proclaimed leader of the self recognized "Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Other Unfortunate Occurences of Creedmoor", otherwise known as K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor, is no stranger to suspected insurance fraud.
This time, however, the money trail stretches all the way to Iran, where the self-ordained rabbi is implicated in the recent attempt on the lamentable life of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Schmoigerman, who is known for his anti-Zionist views just as much as he is known for his successful and unprosecutable acts of gross fraud and theft,
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the self proclaimed leader of the self recognized "Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Other Unfortunate Occurences of Creedmoor", otherwise known as K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor, is no stranger to suspected insurance fraud.
This time, however, the money trail stretches all the way to Iran, where the self-ordained rabbi is implicated in the recent attempt on the lamentable life of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Schmoigerman, who is known for his anti-Zionist views just as much as he is known for his successful and unprosecutable acts of gross fraud and theft,
Sunday, August 01, 2010
World Court Expected to Decide Sdom Insurance Lawsuit in Admou"r's Favor
BS"D
We are now awaiting news from the World Court in the Hague, where the Admou"r meCreedmoor is suing a host of insurance firms for failing to recognize his claims for property belonging to his ancestors that was destroyed during the salinization of Sdom veAmorah.
It is believed that given the Admou"r's verifiable anti-Zionist bona fides, his claims will be honored against a number of insurance companies which are located in the "Gantze Soton," as the Admou"r calls the US, and "yenne medine".
More tomorrow morning when we have a chance to fabricate it in greater detail.
We are now awaiting news from the World Court in the Hague, where the Admou"r meCreedmoor is suing a host of insurance firms for failing to recognize his claims for property belonging to his ancestors that was destroyed during the salinization of Sdom veAmorah.
It is believed that given the Admou"r's verifiable anti-Zionist bona fides, his claims will be honored against a number of insurance companies which are located in the "Gantze Soton," as the Admou"r calls the US, and "yenne medine".
More tomorrow morning when we have a chance to fabricate it in greater detail.
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