BS"D The Admou"r meCreedmoor is part of a delegation of mentally decomposed world leaders who are honoring the late and much unlamented Muammar el-Ghadaffy by standing guard at Misrata Misery Mart, the supermarket where Ghadaffy's body is now on display.
The Admou"r departed from Teheran on the Zionist holiday of Shmini Atzeres (not to be confused with the Assembly of Section 8 Vouchers) and landed in Misrata, Libya a few hours later. He was invited to place a kashrus seal on the corpse, enabling its sale to pet owners who need to euthanize unruly animals.
It is expected that the Admou"r will return to Creedmoor within the month, after the end of the Islamic mourning period and with Ghadaffy's freeze-dried ears in tow for re-burial in the Creedmoorer beis almin.
The burial will cement the Admou"r's most coveted "incurable lunatic" status for the next year, which will enable all three hundred quintillion of his multiple personalities to be certified or recertified after their tragic deaths at the hands of Hurricane Irene and several suborned insurance adjustors.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
All 150 Quintillion Souls Lost During Irene!
BS"D We recently received confirmation that the 150 quintillion souls who resided nowhere else but on the Admou"r's computer server were all lost when said server became waterlogged during Tropical Storm Irene. Life insurance adjusters are debating which policies need to be paid, and it is expected that the Obama administration, the EU and the Saudis will bail out any firms that do have to pay out as a result of the complete annihilation of the Creedmoorer community.
The Admou"r is resting, or resisting arrest, in Iran while his Chassidim and insurance adjusters assess the damage and work around the clock to buy him a new server that will generate 150 quintillion or more names by Chol Hamoied Sukkos (which the Admou"r does observe because of his "Mivtza Sukkos, Suckas" ten-day insurance policy scam in which many a chandeliered sukkah meets a fiery end the day after Simchas Torah). The Admou"r is reportedly also undergoing treatment for Dutch Elm Disease, which he contracted due to the dampness caused by the hurricane, at the Khomeini Memorial Arboretum - in other words, the Admou"r is out of his tree even by Creedmoor standards.
Until then, we cannot provide any updates. We have, however, discovered clear evidence linking a rather infamous, formerly quite corpulent, self-appointed civil rights leader to the De Menubal ancestors of the Admou"r. We hope to present that information right after the Tzioini New Year. Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher-Dreckschraber Editor-in-Thief "Der Shygetz" and "Di Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke"
The Admou"r is resting, or resisting arrest, in Iran while his Chassidim and insurance adjusters assess the damage and work around the clock to buy him a new server that will generate 150 quintillion or more names by Chol Hamoied Sukkos (which the Admou"r does observe because of his "Mivtza Sukkos, Suckas" ten-day insurance policy scam in which many a chandeliered sukkah meets a fiery end the day after Simchas Torah). The Admou"r is reportedly also undergoing treatment for Dutch Elm Disease, which he contracted due to the dampness caused by the hurricane, at the Khomeini Memorial Arboretum - in other words, the Admou"r is out of his tree even by Creedmoor standards.
Until then, we cannot provide any updates. We have, however, discovered clear evidence linking a rather infamous, formerly quite corpulent, self-appointed civil rights leader to the De Menubal ancestors of the Admou"r. We hope to present that information right after the Tzioini New Year. Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher-Dreckschraber Editor-in-Thief "Der Shygetz" and "Di Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke"
Monday, August 29, 2011
Creedmoor Has Been Swept Away by Irene
BS"D
Yes, as could be expected, the entire D-ward of Creedmoor, including all of the moisdos that the Admou"r registered for government funding, have been swept away by Tropical Storm Irene.
Needless to say, a team of adjusters is now sifting through the rubble to determine how much insurance can be paid out to the survivors of the 100 quintillion men, women and children who mysteriously disappeared when flood waters reached about the height of the Admour's elevator shoes.
Several insurers have been hit so hard by the literal tidal wave of Creedmoor claims that they are expected to go bankrupt unless the US, EU, Saudi Arabia and Iran bail them out by paying off these claims.
The Admou"r himself has disappeared along with his longtime supporter Muammar "Laffy" Khadaffy, with whom he was staying in Libya for Shabbos after he fled Creedmoor in advance of the torrential floods and fierce winds that were expected this weekend.
We will post more information as soon as enough mikvehs in Rockland and Kings County reopen so that we can obtain more accurate news and inciteful opinions regarding what may be a complete collapse of the entire Creedmoorer Chassidic infrastructure as well as a threat to the entire world economy.
Monday, August 15, 2011
A pohr vetter fin nuch a sponser...
BS"D
We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!
--------------------------
Do you want to make more money than you ever imagined without an honest hour's work?
Do you want people to worship the ground you walk on as they literally throw money at your feet, into your hands and into every bank account you can open in the US, Eretz-Yisrool and Schvitzerlant?
All you have to do is...
Become A Chassidishe Rebbe!
And we offer you all the secrets to opening your own rebbistive in less than 90 days!
Our "I want to be a Rebbe" kit includes:
A coupon good for 50% off your choice of colored bekeshe made for you by our expert Hong Kong tailors.
A shtramel made from a schvantz that doesn't come up to the kind of schvantz who will make you rich when word spreads of your special brooches.
A list of Yiddish phrases that sound like brooches or segiles, but actually make no sense, along with a guide on how to mumble so even the most fluent Yiddish speaker thinks you were born next to his grandfather in der alter hyme.
Powder to make your beard grey, and a silver-tipped cane made of pure Chinese plastic.
A map of former shtetlach in Europe with a line through the ones that already have rebbelach, two lines through the ones that already have two rebbelach, and a big, fat X for the ones that have more rebbelach than their entire pre-war Jewish population. Only our map covers the entire former Soviet Union from Estonia to Montenegro (except Kalte-Litvakland) as well as Poilin and all of the lands that belonged to Ingarn before the Treaty of Trisodium Phosphate.
And most importantly of all...an E-book full of kabbalistic secrets handed down by your ancestors that you can customize and print to show you really wrote a sefer!
If you buy today, we'll even throw in:
A list of available basements in Boro Park, Flatbush and Williamsburg.
A guide to establishing a tax-exempt not for profit company that still lets you keep all your kvittel gelt and back up your claim of supporting thousands of "orimer leit."
A book of verifiable stories of the great miracles your ancestors were responsible for, all the way back to the mabil!
and..
A real ilan yoichsin (family tree) showing that your ancestors were rabbonim going back at least to the time of Homon haRosho!
Testimonials:
"Reb Shmilke Otisviller didn't sound too good. So I bought this kit and I finds myneself a little village in Romania called Kabanos. Now I am Der Kabanoszer Roov and I am taking twenty, thirty, fifty cigarettes for a brooche at every melave malke. Even the shygetz guards are paying me in real cash because they know I can use my accounts to cover for some of the stuff they sell in here!"
Shmeel Paskudny, Otisville, NY
"I try to come here from Israel and sell brachot like real mekubal with hood on my head. The shiknoozi, they say I Ku Klux Klan, I no-good frenk, I not real. So I buy this kit, ya'allah, I find out there is town in Hungary called Schlockdorf and I get a nice new silver robe and fur hat and learn to mumble a few words in Yiddish to everyone who comes to my old auto body shop. Now I'm the Admou"r meSchlockdorf and my picture is up in every shawarma place and car service in Brooklyn, and I sell my picture 20 dollars a 5 by 7 just paper and even 5000 dollars in a silver plated frame with money going to Schlockdorfer Mesivta Rabbenu Bar-Minan Chai!"
Rahamim Azzebaly Cohen, Flatbush
How much do you think such a package is worth? If you say $2000, you are not even close. It is worth millions of tax-free dollars! But we'll sell it to you in 12 easy installments of $120 each, and we'll even daven for you at the kever of the first Geshtorbener Rebbe in Shtorberg, on the border between Poland and Norway!
Get it now before there are no more towns in Europe left for you to claim and we end up having to substitute a post office box in Morocco!
We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!
--------------------------
Do you want to make more money than you ever imagined without an honest hour's work?
Do you want people to worship the ground you walk on as they literally throw money at your feet, into your hands and into every bank account you can open in the US, Eretz-Yisrool and Schvitzerlant?
All you have to do is...
Become A Chassidishe Rebbe!
And we offer you all the secrets to opening your own rebbistive in less than 90 days!
Our "I want to be a Rebbe" kit includes:
A coupon good for 50% off your choice of colored bekeshe made for you by our expert Hong Kong tailors.
A shtramel made from a schvantz that doesn't come up to the kind of schvantz who will make you rich when word spreads of your special brooches.
A list of Yiddish phrases that sound like brooches or segiles, but actually make no sense, along with a guide on how to mumble so even the most fluent Yiddish speaker thinks you were born next to his grandfather in der alter hyme.
Powder to make your beard grey, and a silver-tipped cane made of pure Chinese plastic.
A map of former shtetlach in Europe with a line through the ones that already have rebbelach, two lines through the ones that already have two rebbelach, and a big, fat X for the ones that have more rebbelach than their entire pre-war Jewish population. Only our map covers the entire former Soviet Union from Estonia to Montenegro (except Kalte-Litvakland) as well as Poilin and all of the lands that belonged to Ingarn before the Treaty of Trisodium Phosphate.
And most importantly of all...an E-book full of kabbalistic secrets handed down by your ancestors that you can customize and print to show you really wrote a sefer!
If you buy today, we'll even throw in:
A list of available basements in Boro Park, Flatbush and Williamsburg.
A guide to establishing a tax-exempt not for profit company that still lets you keep all your kvittel gelt and back up your claim of supporting thousands of "orimer leit."
A book of verifiable stories of the great miracles your ancestors were responsible for, all the way back to the mabil!
and..
A real ilan yoichsin (family tree) showing that your ancestors were rabbonim going back at least to the time of Homon haRosho!
Testimonials:
"Reb Shmilke Otisviller didn't sound too good. So I bought this kit and I finds myneself a little village in Romania called Kabanos. Now I am Der Kabanoszer Roov and I am taking twenty, thirty, fifty cigarettes for a brooche at every melave malke. Even the shygetz guards are paying me in real cash because they know I can use my accounts to cover for some of the stuff they sell in here!"
Shmeel Paskudny, Otisville, NY
"I try to come here from Israel and sell brachot like real mekubal with hood on my head. The shiknoozi, they say I Ku Klux Klan, I no-good frenk, I not real. So I buy this kit, ya'allah, I find out there is town in Hungary called Schlockdorf and I get a nice new silver robe and fur hat and learn to mumble a few words in Yiddish to everyone who comes to my old auto body shop. Now I'm the Admou"r meSchlockdorf and my picture is up in every shawarma place and car service in Brooklyn, and I sell my picture 20 dollars a 5 by 7 just paper and even 5000 dollars in a silver plated frame with money going to Schlockdorfer Mesivta Rabbenu Bar-Minan Chai!"
Rahamim Azzebaly Cohen, Flatbush
How much do you think such a package is worth? If you say $2000, you are not even close. It is worth millions of tax-free dollars! But we'll sell it to you in 12 easy installments of $120 each, and we'll even daven for you at the kever of the first Geshtorbener Rebbe in Shtorberg, on the border between Poland and Norway!
Get it now before there are no more towns in Europe left for you to claim and we end up having to substitute a post office box in Morocco!
Thursday, August 04, 2011
More News Briefs
BS"D
We have just learned the following:
1) Due to the vast numbers of Creedmoorer children who are registered as disabled every year, the WHO has granted the Independent Republic of Creedmoor funds to build a new maternity ward. Needless to say, Creedmoorer children are spontaneously generated by a computer program, so at present we await more news as to how the Admou"r intends to abuse this grant.
2) The Admou"r has received Superfund cleanup subsidies after proving that Creedmoor is full of toxic waste. Scientists might disagree with the method he used to prove that there is radioactive and chemical waste in his beloved D-ward. However, Schmoigerman's guarantee of more votes than the population of the US trumps all scientific knowledge in the bizarre world of Obamamerica.
Giant update coming after 9 Av.
We have just learned the following:
1) Due to the vast numbers of Creedmoorer children who are registered as disabled every year, the WHO has granted the Independent Republic of Creedmoor funds to build a new maternity ward. Needless to say, Creedmoorer children are spontaneously generated by a computer program, so at present we await more news as to how the Admou"r intends to abuse this grant.
2) The Admou"r has received Superfund cleanup subsidies after proving that Creedmoor is full of toxic waste. Scientists might disagree with the method he used to prove that there is radioactive and chemical waste in his beloved D-ward. However, Schmoigerman's guarantee of more votes than the population of the US trumps all scientific knowledge in the bizarre world of Obamamerica.
Giant update coming after 9 Av.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Creedmoor in Negotiations to Purchase American Debt
BS"D
Newsflash:
The Admou"r meCreedmoor is said to be in secret talks with his fellow fifth column, Barack Hussein Obama, regarding purchase of the entire debt of the United States.
The Admou"r, who is the second largest issuer of unbacked currency in the world after the United States Government, has offered to print enough bills to assume the entire sovereign debt of the United States.
Obama is now mulling whether to accept a quick Schmoigerman takeover of the US economy or to continue his present policy of slowly allowing China and the Gulf oil dictatorships to purchase the US and diminish its sovereignty over a longer period of time.
Schmoigerman has stated that he would happily install Obama as President-for-Life of the new "Creedmooramerica" so long as he retains full financial control of the new entity. Negotiations are now centering on whether Obama is willing to accept changing the name of the US currency to "der Foodshtemp."
The Admou"r is presently mourning the untimely but nevertheless overdue death of his shaliach to the Zionist entity, Francois Aboutboul of Netanya, and it is unknown when talks with Obama will resume.
Newsflash:
The Admou"r meCreedmoor is said to be in secret talks with his fellow fifth column, Barack Hussein Obama, regarding purchase of the entire debt of the United States.
The Admou"r, who is the second largest issuer of unbacked currency in the world after the United States Government, has offered to print enough bills to assume the entire sovereign debt of the United States.
Obama is now mulling whether to accept a quick Schmoigerman takeover of the US economy or to continue his present policy of slowly allowing China and the Gulf oil dictatorships to purchase the US and diminish its sovereignty over a longer period of time.
Schmoigerman has stated that he would happily install Obama as President-for-Life of the new "Creedmooramerica" so long as he retains full financial control of the new entity. Negotiations are now centering on whether Obama is willing to accept changing the name of the US currency to "der Foodshtemp."
The Admou"r is presently mourning the untimely but nevertheless overdue death of his shaliach to the Zionist entity, Francois Aboutboul of Netanya, and it is unknown when talks with Obama will resume.
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor
The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor.
1953: 5795 patients crowded into a hospital built for 4142.
Today: D-ward alone: 150,000,000,000,000,405,981 patients show on Federal entitlement program rolls. Yet, the ward is vacant except for one known part-time resident whose surname of Schmoigerman seems a bit contrived.
The wonders of modern science....or the deepest depths of fraud?
Friday, July 15, 2011
Admou"r Arrested for Harebrained Fish Scheme; To Serve Four Weeks of House Arrest
BS"D
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a controversial Grand Rabbi, was arrested and pleaded guilty to one count of "petty and ridiculous fraud in the first degree" after he was observed returning fish heads to a pet store from which he purchased three hundred goldfish in order to make "gefilte fish."
Petco personnel said that Schmoigerman, whose passport states he was born in 1955 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary but who has several birth certificates from Hawaii as well as Kenya, had purchased the entire stock of goldfish from their Jamaica, Queens branch for what he claimed was an aquarium display in his "Bnei Bisha veCherpa" boys' school. The Grand Rabbi paid with an American Express card in the name of Elvis Presley, and showed identification proving that that was indeed his name.
Nevertheless, the Admou"r returned 45 minutes later with 300 decapitated fish and claimed that he was entitled to a full refund as the fish did not survive one week as per the store's guarantee. The store manager called police, who carted Schmoigerman off to the precinct house where he received an expedited desk appearance ticket.
While Schmoigerman claims to be the head of an independent country, he needed to be reminded of the difference between Jamaica, Queens, which is part of the US, and not a party to his scam of a treaty in which he declared independence, and Jamaica, an island nation in the West Indies that recognizes his country as a prerequisite for receiving UN aid under the "Aid to Phantom Nations Which Support Anti-Zionist Entities" program.
Therefore, rather than risking prosecution for over 150 quintillion counts of gross fraud, Schmoigerman was summarily sentenced to 4 weeks of house arrest during which he must wear a 24 karat gold Cartier ankle bracelet.
In other words, due to present events in the community, Creedmoor will begin its three weeks hiatus early. We will return with the two promised updates after 9 Av.
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a controversial Grand Rabbi, was arrested and pleaded guilty to one count of "petty and ridiculous fraud in the first degree" after he was observed returning fish heads to a pet store from which he purchased three hundred goldfish in order to make "gefilte fish."
Petco personnel said that Schmoigerman, whose passport states he was born in 1955 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary but who has several birth certificates from Hawaii as well as Kenya, had purchased the entire stock of goldfish from their Jamaica, Queens branch for what he claimed was an aquarium display in his "Bnei Bisha veCherpa" boys' school. The Grand Rabbi paid with an American Express card in the name of Elvis Presley, and showed identification proving that that was indeed his name.
Nevertheless, the Admou"r returned 45 minutes later with 300 decapitated fish and claimed that he was entitled to a full refund as the fish did not survive one week as per the store's guarantee. The store manager called police, who carted Schmoigerman off to the precinct house where he received an expedited desk appearance ticket.
While Schmoigerman claims to be the head of an independent country, he needed to be reminded of the difference between Jamaica, Queens, which is part of the US, and not a party to his scam of a treaty in which he declared independence, and Jamaica, an island nation in the West Indies that recognizes his country as a prerequisite for receiving UN aid under the "Aid to Phantom Nations Which Support Anti-Zionist Entities" program.
Therefore, rather than risking prosecution for over 150 quintillion counts of gross fraud, Schmoigerman was summarily sentenced to 4 weeks of house arrest during which he must wear a 24 karat gold Cartier ankle bracelet.
In other words, due to present events in the community, Creedmoor will begin its three weeks hiatus early. We will return with the two promised updates after 9 Av.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Technical Difficulties
BS"D
Updates will be posted regarding the camp and the MediCARe scam by next Sunday.
Updates will be posted regarding the camp and the MediCARe scam by next Sunday.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Double Header Tomorrow: Breaking News of New Medicare Scam
BS"D
As we await the release of the application form for Kemp Chutz laMachane, we have been informed that the Admou"r has been operating a chain of auto repair and collison (or is it collusion) shops that have been billing Medicare and Medicaid, as well as Family Health Plus, for auto repair jobs.
All we know at present is that the Admou"r somehow obtained insurance billing codes from suborned Medicare and Medicaid employees, and that he somehow adapted the codes to automotive parts and procedures. Two of the Federal employees involved in the Medicare scheme have such unusual names, even for Affirmative Action hires, that we are contacting the parties present at their wrongful and unfortunate birth to find out why they carry such originally embarrassing and ethnically diverse names.
More tomorrow as we uncover the mystery of the "Rechev Yisroel" chain of car repair shops and how they manage to turn cars into people for billing purposes.
As we await the release of the application form for Kemp Chutz laMachane, we have been informed that the Admou"r has been operating a chain of auto repair and collison (or is it collusion) shops that have been billing Medicare and Medicaid, as well as Family Health Plus, for auto repair jobs.
All we know at present is that the Admou"r somehow obtained insurance billing codes from suborned Medicare and Medicaid employees, and that he somehow adapted the codes to automotive parts and procedures. Two of the Federal employees involved in the Medicare scheme have such unusual names, even for Affirmative Action hires, that we are contacting the parties present at their wrongful and unfortunate birth to find out why they carry such originally embarrassing and ethnically diverse names.
More tomorrow as we uncover the mystery of the "Rechev Yisroel" chain of car repair shops and how they manage to turn cars into people for billing purposes.
Friday, July 08, 2011
Shifcha Magazine: A New Women's Magazine
BS"D
N'shei Creedmoor-East under the direction of Rebbetzin Izevel-Tzoiah-Yachne Schmoigerman is proud to launch the first issue of Shifcha Magazine - the new magazine for the new Jewish woman.
Articles include:
"Supporting Your Husband in Federal Koilel - Don't Leave it All to Fetter Shmeel!"
"Raising Children who were Thrown in Washing Machines as Babies" - special interview with Rebbetzin Dwek, mother of Solomon Dwrek, and Mrs. Weiss, mother of Yisroel Dovid Weiss.
"The Beauty of a Burqa and the Comfort of a Chador - The New Beged Isha from Farkokta Fashions."
"Making the Most of Your Federal Entitlement Benefits."
"Recipe Corner: Using a Suspicious Fire to Grill Meats and Poultry."
"Teaching Your Sons What to Look For When They're on Mishmeres haTznius Duty."
"Raising the Ultimate Menivel or Cholere"
"Eshes Chayil of the Month: Casey Anthony"
"Beauty Secrets from Helen Thomas and Hanan Ashrawi"
"Teaching Your Children to Enjoy and Participate In Machloikes."
"A Summer Wildlife Safari to Circle Square and New Joel."
The magazine is available at:
Byle's Burqas - Ramat Beit Shimush and Jewland Branches
Federal Koilel Store - Williamsburgh, Double Park and Jewland
Schnorred Shaitlach - Otisville
Byse Esav d'Creedmoor
and from your local mosque or al-Qaeda front operation.
Price: 3 EBT units or 5 foodshtempelach
N'shei Creedmoor-East under the direction of Rebbetzin Izevel-Tzoiah-Yachne Schmoigerman is proud to launch the first issue of Shifcha Magazine - the new magazine for the new Jewish woman.
Articles include:
"Supporting Your Husband in Federal Koilel - Don't Leave it All to Fetter Shmeel!"
"Raising Children who were Thrown in Washing Machines as Babies" - special interview with Rebbetzin Dwek, mother of Solomon Dwrek, and Mrs. Weiss, mother of Yisroel Dovid Weiss.
"The Beauty of a Burqa and the Comfort of a Chador - The New Beged Isha from Farkokta Fashions."
"Making the Most of Your Federal Entitlement Benefits."
"Recipe Corner: Using a Suspicious Fire to Grill Meats and Poultry."
"Teaching Your Sons What to Look For When They're on Mishmeres haTznius Duty."
"Raising the Ultimate Menivel or Cholere"
"Eshes Chayil of the Month: Casey Anthony"
"Beauty Secrets from Helen Thomas and Hanan Ashrawi"
"Teaching Your Children to Enjoy and Participate In Machloikes."
"A Summer Wildlife Safari to Circle Square and New Joel."
The magazine is available at:
Byle's Burqas - Ramat Beit Shimush and Jewland Branches
Federal Koilel Store - Williamsburgh, Double Park and Jewland
Schnorred Shaitlach - Otisville
Byse Esav d'Creedmoor
and from your local mosque or al-Qaeda front operation.
Price: 3 EBT units or 5 foodshtempelach
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Coming Sunday: A New Summer Camp for Your Precious Children
BS"D
Introducing "Kemp Chutz laMachane" - the new summer camp for the second half of summer that undoes the damage caused by your child's first half of summer camp! And "Machane Machon Nevela" for girls - run by the famous staff of the "Machon Nevela" seminary that has educated three generations of Federal koilel wives in the fine art of dependency on Federal entitlement programs.
Aren't you tired of your little Moishele coming home and talking about ahavas Yisroel and learning and being a tzaddik? Aren't you sick of your Fyga Byla showing off childish arts and crafts projects and telling about how she went with her bunk to visit an old age home and talk to the decrepit elte kokehlach there?
Well, now you can get your child ready for the same double life you've always been leading! We'll make sure you can shep nachas in 10 years or so when your son begins his first five years of learning at Otisville or Fort Dix while your daughter is busy collecting welfare payments so she can buy a new $2000 sheitel every month!
Kemp Chutz laMachane for boys and Machane Machon Nevela for girls....starts August 1 and check back here Sunday to find out how to register....the camps are conveniently located between Jewland and Otisville!
Introducing "Kemp Chutz laMachane" - the new summer camp for the second half of summer that undoes the damage caused by your child's first half of summer camp! And "Machane Machon Nevela" for girls - run by the famous staff of the "Machon Nevela" seminary that has educated three generations of Federal koilel wives in the fine art of dependency on Federal entitlement programs.
Aren't you tired of your little Moishele coming home and talking about ahavas Yisroel and learning and being a tzaddik? Aren't you sick of your Fyga Byla showing off childish arts and crafts projects and telling about how she went with her bunk to visit an old age home and talk to the decrepit elte kokehlach there?
Well, now you can get your child ready for the same double life you've always been leading! We'll make sure you can shep nachas in 10 years or so when your son begins his first five years of learning at Otisville or Fort Dix while your daughter is busy collecting welfare payments so she can buy a new $2000 sheitel every month!
Kemp Chutz laMachane for boys and Machane Machon Nevela for girls....starts August 1 and check back here Sunday to find out how to register....the camps are conveniently located between Jewland and Otisville!
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Admou"r Asks Chassidim to Commit Arson with Venezuelan Gasoline for Recovery of Chavez
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor woke up long enough to declare a Day of Burning in the zchees of a refiah shelyma for Hugo Chavez, the bulwark against Zionist domination of Latin America and a major provider of gasoline to the Admou"r's various nefarious enterprises.
He asks that "All who follow in the most waning and flickering light that is Chassidus Creedmoor are to buy 11 gallons of Citgo Premium gasoline for every 100 square feet of their most heavily insured uninhabited properties. They are then to recite "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez" while soaking one Zionist flag with gasoline and spilling all remaining gasoline on the premises to be burnt. Finally, the flag must be lit and thrown into the building while singing "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez Melech haMasriach Leoilam Voed" to the tune of "Another One Bites the Dust."
This will bring about the full and complete healing of the great Hugo Chavez, Liberator of Venezuela.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor woke up long enough to declare a Day of Burning in the zchees of a refiah shelyma for Hugo Chavez, the bulwark against Zionist domination of Latin America and a major provider of gasoline to the Admou"r's various nefarious enterprises.
He asks that "All who follow in the most waning and flickering light that is Chassidus Creedmoor are to buy 11 gallons of Citgo Premium gasoline for every 100 square feet of their most heavily insured uninhabited properties. They are then to recite "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez" while soaking one Zionist flag with gasoline and spilling all remaining gasoline on the premises to be burnt. Finally, the flag must be lit and thrown into the building while singing "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez Melech haMasriach Leoilam Voed" to the tune of "Another One Bites the Dust."
This will bring about the full and complete healing of the great Hugo Chavez, Liberator of Venezuela.
Monday, June 06, 2011
A Por Vetter fin Inzere Sponsor - Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland
BS"D
Mit gretitude to Der hyliger tzaddik alyne, Reb Doovid'l fin Jewland, we are very proud to announce our newist rates on Food Stamp Certificates fin Deposit at Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.
Mir gibn a return fin 10 per cent per year on any drye-yor CD that you are openink with your EBT loaded mit 3500 tolar worth from foodstemps or more. We are havink a lisense and a heter iska fin der Byse Din from Jewland so not to worry, dis iz all kusher.
Also please to know that mir gibn a matoone tzvye gellon paint tinner in a metch to anyone who is openink any account mit foodstemps uder EBT in der choidesh.
Srool Spitzer, Chairwarmer (kvetcher) fin der Federal Reserve Bank of Jewland, is approvink all operations of der Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.
Mit gretitude to Der hyliger tzaddik alyne, Reb Doovid'l fin Jewland, we are very proud to announce our newist rates on Food Stamp Certificates fin Deposit at Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.
Mir gibn a return fin 10 per cent per year on any drye-yor CD that you are openink with your EBT loaded mit 3500 tolar worth from foodstemps or more. We are havink a lisense and a heter iska fin der Byse Din from Jewland so not to worry, dis iz all kusher.
Also please to know that mir gibn a matoone tzvye gellon paint tinner in a metch to anyone who is openink any account mit foodstemps uder EBT in der choidesh.
Srool Spitzer, Chairwarmer (kvetcher) fin der Federal Reserve Bank of Jewland, is approvink all operations of der Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.
Shoeless Joe the Disability Advocate
BS"D
Among the few true, meaning flesh-and-blood, chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is a strange fellow who everyone calls Shoeless Joe.
Yossel Wercberger, Yossel Weinberger, Yossel Schwartz, Yossel Weiss, Yossel Fekete, Yossel Feher, Jose Blanco, or whatever other names he has on his growing collection of welfare ID's and section 8 vouchers, truly is an object of pity. He was born with two left feet attached to his right knee facing inward, and of course he cannot walk or wear any sort of normal shoe.
But Shoeless Joe is now in litigation with Cole-Haan, Reebok, Kenneth Cole, Florsheim, Gucci, Prada, Weston, Allen-Edmonds, Nike, New Balance, Adidas, Puma, Doc Martens, DSW, Payless, and practically every department store chain in the US, Europe and Asia. Timberland has been mercifully spared from his activism, because he is such a diehard anti-Zionist that he refuses to even speak to a firm that supports the Zionist entity as much as Timberland does.
The mastermind behind this avalanche of lawsuits is his lawyer, Kalman Schmoigerman, a distant cousin and devoted follower of the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Schmoigerman, who is disbarred in every state except Mississippi, realizes there is a fortune to be made in ADA discrimination suits. Schmoigerman and Joe are suing all of the parties named above because there are no shoes manufactured or sold for someone with Joe's condition, which affects 0001% of the population.
In the bizarre world of ADA litigation and shyster lawyering, this of course qualifies as discrimination. In addition, Joe, who uses a wheelchair, is suing several houses of ill repute in Nevada because they do not have disabled access ramps. Never mind that Joe has never been to Nevada and cannot spell Nevada - he wants to make sure that others like him have access to entertainment of a type that he cannot enjoy because of another disability that I cannot explain in detail without taking this publication into the murky realm of an R rating.
Joe, who in any case is well provided for by the Creedmoor Ershte-Hilf-Der-Rebbe welfare fraud organization, will get 10 per cent of the take of any attorney's fees awarded to Schmoigerman. Each lawsuit is for the cost of two left high-heeled red patent leather women's platform shoes, size 13 WWW, which depending upon the manufacturer could reach as much as $1500 or more. Schmoigerman is also trying to have each defendant pay his fees, which amount to $1000 per hour, a fee that he reduced from $3000 per hour ever since he was disbarred in 1998 for a host of felonies including mishandling escrow funds. (He remains able to practice law in Mississippi due to the inability of the state bar association to believe there is actually an attorney named Kalman Schmoigerman who was ever allowed to practice anywhere.)
And what did Schmoigerman do with those escrow funds? He purchased several houses of ill repute in Nevada, along with insurance policies that cover him in the event of an ADA discrimination suit.
(Based on the pathetic but true story of Zoltan Hirsch: http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpps/news/amputee-sues-non-handicapped-accessible-businesses-dpgonc-km-20110605_13541675)
Among the few true, meaning flesh-and-blood, chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is a strange fellow who everyone calls Shoeless Joe.
Yossel Wercberger, Yossel Weinberger, Yossel Schwartz, Yossel Weiss, Yossel Fekete, Yossel Feher, Jose Blanco, or whatever other names he has on his growing collection of welfare ID's and section 8 vouchers, truly is an object of pity. He was born with two left feet attached to his right knee facing inward, and of course he cannot walk or wear any sort of normal shoe.
But Shoeless Joe is now in litigation with Cole-Haan, Reebok, Kenneth Cole, Florsheim, Gucci, Prada, Weston, Allen-Edmonds, Nike, New Balance, Adidas, Puma, Doc Martens, DSW, Payless, and practically every department store chain in the US, Europe and Asia. Timberland has been mercifully spared from his activism, because he is such a diehard anti-Zionist that he refuses to even speak to a firm that supports the Zionist entity as much as Timberland does.
The mastermind behind this avalanche of lawsuits is his lawyer, Kalman Schmoigerman, a distant cousin and devoted follower of the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Schmoigerman, who is disbarred in every state except Mississippi, realizes there is a fortune to be made in ADA discrimination suits. Schmoigerman and Joe are suing all of the parties named above because there are no shoes manufactured or sold for someone with Joe's condition, which affects 0001% of the population.
In the bizarre world of ADA litigation and shyster lawyering, this of course qualifies as discrimination. In addition, Joe, who uses a wheelchair, is suing several houses of ill repute in Nevada because they do not have disabled access ramps. Never mind that Joe has never been to Nevada and cannot spell Nevada - he wants to make sure that others like him have access to entertainment of a type that he cannot enjoy because of another disability that I cannot explain in detail without taking this publication into the murky realm of an R rating.
Joe, who in any case is well provided for by the Creedmoor Ershte-Hilf-Der-Rebbe welfare fraud organization, will get 10 per cent of the take of any attorney's fees awarded to Schmoigerman. Each lawsuit is for the cost of two left high-heeled red patent leather women's platform shoes, size 13 WWW, which depending upon the manufacturer could reach as much as $1500 or more. Schmoigerman is also trying to have each defendant pay his fees, which amount to $1000 per hour, a fee that he reduced from $3000 per hour ever since he was disbarred in 1998 for a host of felonies including mishandling escrow funds. (He remains able to practice law in Mississippi due to the inability of the state bar association to believe there is actually an attorney named Kalman Schmoigerman who was ever allowed to practice anywhere.)
And what did Schmoigerman do with those escrow funds? He purchased several houses of ill repute in Nevada, along with insurance policies that cover him in the event of an ADA discrimination suit.
(Based on the pathetic but true story of Zoltan Hirsch: http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpps/news/amputee-sues-non-handicapped-accessible-businesses-dpgonc-km-20110605_13541675)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman
BS"D
Well, until Lag beOmer night I never knew there was a real Creedmoorer Chassidus, where the behavior of reshoim is condoned by the leadership of the Chassidus. I knew that there are reshoim in every Chassidus, and every yeshiva, and every shul, because without them there is no tzibur - tzadikim-benonim-reshoim. These bad apples don't bother me either, because we're in golus and there will always be people who succumb to their worst tayves. After all, if there were no aveiros, we would not have any dinei mamoinos and dinei nefashois in Torah - nowhere does it say that eating only mehadrin means you will not succumb to the temptation to try your luck at a harebrained insurance scam that lands you 10 years of enforced kollel study.
Unfortunately, there is such a Chassidus.
Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman. New Square is Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. There is no way he did not know and condone what was going on - not in a shtetl that consists of a few square blocks where he is the undisputed despot.
Dovid Twersky-Schmoigerman (you are a stain on your noble surname and you truly merit the one I added on because it comes from shoiteh-menivel-gas ruach, but you're not even a man because you have OTHERS commit crimes and do the time for YOUR scams and rishus), SHYGETZ AROSS! Time to close down your Talibanistan in Rockland County. Because of you, ten more kids will go off the derech every day that the news carries the disgusting goings-on in your New Abbottabad. You're no better than Helbrans with his cult up in Quebec - except that he doesn't finance his moisdos with government fraud and have others sit for him.
I guess there are ten righteous people in your Sdom (Zishe Schmeltzer, his father amus"h and a few others) or else the whole place would have gone on fire when your thug hoiz bochur did what he did.
Half of your people, the good ones, want to leave town anyway. The other half can be split between Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital, Sing Sing and Otisville.
The time for these shtetlach is over. When you could not be frum in the city, when Reform was claiming victims from frum homes, when the 60's and 70s' drug culture was claiming Yidden, getting away from it all made sense. Now, we can live as we are commanded to anywhere we want and bring Yidden closer as we do so. These shtetlach just keep people behind the times and keep people from growing both beruchnius and begashmius.
Well, until Lag beOmer night I never knew there was a real Creedmoorer Chassidus, where the behavior of reshoim is condoned by the leadership of the Chassidus. I knew that there are reshoim in every Chassidus, and every yeshiva, and every shul, because without them there is no tzibur - tzadikim-benonim-reshoim. These bad apples don't bother me either, because we're in golus and there will always be people who succumb to their worst tayves. After all, if there were no aveiros, we would not have any dinei mamoinos and dinei nefashois in Torah - nowhere does it say that eating only mehadrin means you will not succumb to the temptation to try your luck at a harebrained insurance scam that lands you 10 years of enforced kollel study.
Unfortunately, there is such a Chassidus.
Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman. New Square is Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. There is no way he did not know and condone what was going on - not in a shtetl that consists of a few square blocks where he is the undisputed despot.
Dovid Twersky-Schmoigerman (you are a stain on your noble surname and you truly merit the one I added on because it comes from shoiteh-menivel-gas ruach, but you're not even a man because you have OTHERS commit crimes and do the time for YOUR scams and rishus), SHYGETZ AROSS! Time to close down your Talibanistan in Rockland County. Because of you, ten more kids will go off the derech every day that the news carries the disgusting goings-on in your New Abbottabad. You're no better than Helbrans with his cult up in Quebec - except that he doesn't finance his moisdos with government fraud and have others sit for him.
I guess there are ten righteous people in your Sdom (Zishe Schmeltzer, his father amus"h and a few others) or else the whole place would have gone on fire when your thug hoiz bochur did what he did.
Half of your people, the good ones, want to leave town anyway. The other half can be split between Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital, Sing Sing and Otisville.
The time for these shtetlach is over. When you could not be frum in the city, when Reform was claiming victims from frum homes, when the 60's and 70s' drug culture was claiming Yidden, getting away from it all made sense. Now, we can live as we are commanded to anywhere we want and bring Yidden closer as we do so. These shtetlach just keep people behind the times and keep people from growing both beruchnius and begashmius.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
New A Crapella Niggunim Coming
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor remains in an insurance-mandated coma for the foreseeable future. However, we at Creedmoor Publications Group (Der Shygetz - Di Pritza - Der Oisvorf and Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashkvilke) have discovered a treasure trove of niggunim which were composed by the Admou"r during his last visit to Gai Ben Hinnom.
These hylige niggunim, with titles including: "Der Falsche-Phony President," "Food Shtemps Far Alle Yidden," and "Shkootzim, Shkootzim" will be released before Lag Be'Oimer (Creedmoorer Lag beOimer which is 33 days after Yom HaAtzamois), even if their composer might not be released in this millenium.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor remains in an insurance-mandated coma for the foreseeable future. However, we at Creedmoor Publications Group (Der Shygetz - Di Pritza - Der Oisvorf and Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashkvilke) have discovered a treasure trove of niggunim which were composed by the Admou"r during his last visit to Gai Ben Hinnom.
These hylige niggunim, with titles including: "Der Falsche-Phony President," "Food Shtemps Far Alle Yidden," and "Shkootzim, Shkootzim" will be released before Lag Be'Oimer (Creedmoorer Lag beOimer which is 33 days after Yom HaAtzamois), even if their composer might not be released in this millenium.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Admou"r meCreedmoor Speaks About Iran, Egypt and Tunisia
BS"D
"The revolutions in Egypt and Tunisia succeeded because the governments there did not make sure their women kept tznius. In Iran, women are not allowed out on the street in pritzusdige dress, and it is the government that makes sure of this. Therefore, the hyliger Islamic regime in Iran will last for as long as we are able to delay the coming of Moshiach, whereas the Egyptian and Tunisian regimes simply crumbled. We must protect the hyliger Obama regime so that we can continue to receive our much needed subsidies upon which we live, so we must maintain the highest levels of tznius, including birqelach when we mingle with tzioinim and other shkootzim, and chadorimlach when women mingle together."
From the latest Creedmoor Tznius Manual: Not One Inch Shall Remain Exposed, written by Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoia Yachne Schmoigerman and based on the talks from the tail of her husband, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
"The revolutions in Egypt and Tunisia succeeded because the governments there did not make sure their women kept tznius. In Iran, women are not allowed out on the street in pritzusdige dress, and it is the government that makes sure of this. Therefore, the hyliger Islamic regime in Iran will last for as long as we are able to delay the coming of Moshiach, whereas the Egyptian and Tunisian regimes simply crumbled. We must protect the hyliger Obama regime so that we can continue to receive our much needed subsidies upon which we live, so we must maintain the highest levels of tznius, including birqelach when we mingle with tzioinim and other shkootzim, and chadorimlach when women mingle together."
From the latest Creedmoor Tznius Manual: Not One Inch Shall Remain Exposed, written by Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoia Yachne Schmoigerman and based on the talks from the tail of her husband, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Creedmoor Introduces: "Maayanei hoRefieh" (Medicare Springs) Rehabilitation and Long Term Care Center
BS"D
Are you an active older person who is looking for some passive income?
Do you have an older relative who is healthy but bored and wants to make a little money on the side?
Have you recently lost a relative who has named you executor of his will?
If so, we have the perfect solution:
Maayanei hoRefieh is an absentee long term care and rehabilitation program that allows patients in any health condition, including deceased, to register as inpatients without requiring more than a monthly visit to sign papers. We have no inpatient facilities at all and there are no medical tests required.
The papers provide us with a substantial income to cover medical costs which we never really incur for the many phantom illnesses and injuries that you or your loved one will be diagnosed with for private and public insurance purposes only.
Our average patient nets $3500 - $10,000 for his percentage of our monthly take, and there is no risk because we issue a separate Social Security number or two to each of our patients and that number is the one used to claim benefits. We accept up to five patients from one family or address and there is no charge for enrollment.
Testimonials:
"My shvigger finally peygered, and she never did anything but take from us all these years. Now, I can finally make a few toisent every month to support my son in koilel just by signing her name to a couple of sheets of paper every month." Chaikel Ferdkhapper.
"I just got out of Federal koilel for being too git an insurance adjuster, so I was looking far a new easy way tzi machen a leben. I signed myself up as disabled because the prison shrink says like I am having acute sociopathy and every month I just have to pose mit a wheelchair and a walker and have myne picture taken and I gets two tousent a month far me and five far each from myne eltern baabes in zaydes alyhem hashoolem! I even is tellink my parole officer I is certified disabled so I doesn't have to see him no more." Anonymous
To find out more, please come to our Open House this coming Sunday at Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-Ward, Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor. Tel 1-800-GEZEL-55. We will be serving Herzltashen in honor of the Tzioinish holiday of Peerim.
Are you an active older person who is looking for some passive income?
Do you have an older relative who is healthy but bored and wants to make a little money on the side?
Have you recently lost a relative who has named you executor of his will?
If so, we have the perfect solution:
Maayanei hoRefieh is an absentee long term care and rehabilitation program that allows patients in any health condition, including deceased, to register as inpatients without requiring more than a monthly visit to sign papers. We have no inpatient facilities at all and there are no medical tests required.
The papers provide us with a substantial income to cover medical costs which we never really incur for the many phantom illnesses and injuries that you or your loved one will be diagnosed with for private and public insurance purposes only.
Our average patient nets $3500 - $10,000 for his percentage of our monthly take, and there is no risk because we issue a separate Social Security number or two to each of our patients and that number is the one used to claim benefits. We accept up to five patients from one family or address and there is no charge for enrollment.
Testimonials:
"My shvigger finally peygered, and she never did anything but take from us all these years. Now, I can finally make a few toisent every month to support my son in koilel just by signing her name to a couple of sheets of paper every month." Chaikel Ferdkhapper.
"I just got out of Federal koilel for being too git an insurance adjuster, so I was looking far a new easy way tzi machen a leben. I signed myself up as disabled because the prison shrink says like I am having acute sociopathy and every month I just have to pose mit a wheelchair and a walker and have myne picture taken and I gets two tousent a month far me and five far each from myne eltern baabes in zaydes alyhem hashoolem! I even is tellink my parole officer I is certified disabled so I doesn't have to see him no more." Anonymous
To find out more, please come to our Open House this coming Sunday at Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-Ward, Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor. Tel 1-800-GEZEL-55. We will be serving Herzltashen in honor of the Tzioinish holiday of Peerim.
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