Matza Breakage Insurance Scam Linked to Schmoigerman

BS"D

(Nishtemmes Press Agency)

When AXA, AETNA, Generali, Allstate, State Farm, USAA, AIG and Fireman's Fund simultaneously received policies insuring over 15000 tons of hand made Passover "shmura" matza against breakage, along with 150000 claims of breakage per ton, their representatives suspected a massive scam.

And as with any massive scam related to Jewish practices, or Judaica, the details and mechanism of the scam pointed to one man, albeit one man with a whopping 150 quintillion known multiple personalities, all duly recorded as policy holders.

His name: Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman,  just as well known in the annals of white collar crime (and as lovingly ridiculed in the world of Chassidic Jewry) as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Once again, the champion miscreant made the lives of investigators very easy by admitting to his scam:

"Listen, I iz nisht keeping der Tzioinish yom tov fin Pysach shoyn tzvantzig yohr since der foundink fin der tryfe medine. But I am knowink dat dese matzos which is usink der Tzioinim iz always breakink and den dey ken't make der brooche. So it very simple; I am sayink dat myne bakeraye (Schmoigerman Shmura Chazzerai-Bekerei) iz makink dis year 15000 tons fin shmira matze and yeder matze is tzebrochen geven!

So dat means I ken't sell none fin dem and iz gekimin tzi mir a big insurance because Schmoigerman matzes iz all first oven, 18 minute end sellz far 100 tolar a pound.

And anyway dis iz no problem far der insurance-kompanies because Obama darf gibn dem a bailout anyway far helpink me in my multicultural ektivities!"

Schmoigerman has already contacted US and EU bureaucrats who promise to print more currency so as to stimulate the economy by paying off the debts of the insurance companies to him and his 150 quintillion co-insured. 

If this does not succeed, Schmoigerman is expected to print trillions and trillions more of his own independent currency, the foodshtemp, and ask that it be added to the new planned "Special Drawing Rights" replacement world currency.

Analysts predict that Schmoigerman may also attempt to purchase the insurance firms which he has bilked by assuming their debts to him and his co-insured and then petitioning the Obama administration for a bailout which would also be payable to him and his co-insured.

However, the Obama administration is said to be loathe to approve scams greater than those which are perpetrated by said administration itself.