Newsflash: Schmoigerman Builds Grave and Memorial Park

BS"D

(Nishtemmes Press Agency)

Once again, the incorrigible Scourge of Creedmoor, the inimitable self ordained Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman, has hit new lows in his consistent attempt to defraud all and sundry.

At his infamous "Yahrtzeit Tish," where he commemorates the supposed founding of his community, he instructed his followers to build a grave and memorial park on yet another swath of abandoned Creedmoor territory.

And what name appears on the gravestone?

His own, of course, along with a date of death April 1, 1948.

Since Schmoigerman is not more than 50 years old according to the one arrest record which we do have access to (misdemeanor attempt to bribe a traffic policeman with frozen "galle" in West Virginia in 1975), such a gravestone can only mean yet another elaborate attempt to either commit fraud on a colossal scale or to conceal one of his many known schemes.

All we know at this point is that Schmoigerman told his followers:

"Is by us a Chassidis fin 150 kvintillyon neshumes. We is havink drei shils, fir yeshives, un more from 500 kvintilyon welfare cheques beink donated every month! Dis is not good enough! Yeder andere chassidis also iz hevink a kever of dere old rebbe to go to far brooches and aytzes! We also must to have such a tink and not in Europe neither but doh in Kridmoor! Derfar, I is hereby proclaimink dat we is to build for me a kever, a grevestone, so people iz comink end askink me far brooches even if I am gone! And I want der should be dere a gate dat can be opened only mit an EBT kartel oder a kredit-kard..."

Loosely translated, the Admou"r has asked that a gravestone be erected for him behind a gate that can be opened only with payment made by welfare or credit card.

While this is par for the course for the plastic and tinfoil clad Grand Rabbi of a congregation that seems to exist only on subsidy rolls, what we cannot determine is whether Rabbi Schmoigerman is about to proclaim himself deceased to either escape prosecution for his various and sundry fraudulent scams. 

Sources inform us that even if he does proclaim his own death and issue himself a "peyger'n tzertifikat" (a legal document issued by his rump Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred and now recognized by Nigeria and Zimbabwe along with the EU, Venezuela, Iran and Turkmenistan), he will simply resurrect himself with either a new name or a new forged birth certificate under the same name but with a place of birth other than "Vilyemsberg Refugee Enkepment, Ingarn" and a date of birth other than "Unknown, 1948".