Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Admou"r Has Returned to Iran


The Admou"r meCreedmoor is now in Teheran, Iran, where he is meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Apparently, Ahmadinejad (known as Baba Mahmoud to Creedmoorer Chassidim who flock to Teheran for his brochos and eitzos) wishes to dissolve his marriage to perennial freakjob Moshe Aryeh Friedman after the latter recanted his extreme views on radio.

Needless to say, the marriage was not valid according to any halachic opinion except for that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Rumors that a Conservative imam had performed the marriage were inaccurate, as even the Conservative branch of Shiite Islam does not marry an already married man to another man, sheep, or sow. 

Instead, it transpired that the imam who married the couple was none other than Imam Hahham BaLaylot Manouchehr Kamtzanzadeh, the Creedmoorer shaliach to the Machane Yehuda market in Yerushalayim. Kamtzanzadeh, who sells laundry powder disguised as cocaine or heroin to desperate addicts, as well as illegally imported dates and pistachios from Iran with the famous Creedmoor "naki mekol chashas tumas haTzioinus" hechsher, is known as "Mr 650 Gram" because he has been arrested and fined 100 times for setting his scales to register 650 grams as a full kilogram. (His customers, mainly Ku Klux Karta extremists from Meah Shearim, accept this as they are told that a 1000 gram kilo is a Zionist kilogram and is therefore ossur lemehadrin).

However, that stall is but a cover for Kamtzanzadeh's activities as a liaison between Bituah Leumi and the Admou'r meCreedmoor's 300 million phantom personalities in the Zionist entity. He is also said to be the Ambassador of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor to Iran. 

Owing to his Iranian origins and fluency in Farsi, he was asked to officiate at the wedding between Ahmadinejad and Friedman, for which he was compensated with 10 tons of rancid pistachios. Kamtzanzadeh, a true Creedmoorer, is said to be selling these inedible nuts to Betar Yerushalayim fans who in turn use them for various nefarious purposes during football (soccer) matches. Rumors also have it that he is working with the Chief Baryoin of the United Mishmeres HaTznius/Va'ad haShababnikim d'Yerushalayim to convert the pistachios into a hard, flammable napalm like substance which will make it easier for self appointed haredim to burn down garbage cans and set cars alight during demonstrations.

However, Kamtzanzadeh, being a mere Hahham BaLaylot, is not qualified to sit on a Beis Din which issues a get mishkava d'zachra. This can only be done by the Admou"r himself and he is indeed doing just that. Payment is said to include 100,000 barrels of Iranian crude, packaged in convenient gallon containers with wicks inserted so as to make it easier for untrained personnel to successfully commit arson with no need for extensive lessons or fire safety training.

The Admou"r is expected to return later this week, and we will finally be able to interview him regarding the goings on at his Yom HaAtzamois festivities upon said return.

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