Friday, May 08, 2009

Admou"r meCreedmoor Permits Lag B'Oimer This Year Within His Halachic Guidelines

BS"D

In a stunning reversal of his former position regarding Lag B'Oimer festivities in previous years, this year the Admou"r meCreedmoor is not only permitting, but also encouraging, his followers to take part in Lag B'Oimer festivities, on Tuesday along with all other communities.

Speaking from his padded hotel room in Teheran, where he remains in seclusion with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Admou"r stated:

"Yes it is true that Shimon bar Yochai was a tzioini who did not do the right thing and surrender to the Romans. However, it must be remembered that one of the essential parts of the tzioni celebration is a bonfire. And we know that the mitzvah of sryfis habayis, which of course also includes fire, as well as that exalted mitzvah known as sryfis hadegel, can be carried out at a bonfire according to the great practices which have been instituted as the very essence of Chassidus Creedmoor.

According to the Megale Arayois, the halachos of bonfires on Lag B'Oimer are as follows:

1) A Tzioini flag soaked with pure Iranian or Venezuelan crude oil must be used to start the fire.

2) The fire cannot under any circumstances be carried out in an open location, as this is the custom of the evil tzioinim who have uprooted all that is good and holy.

3) The fire must be carried out "leshem mitzvas sryfis hadegel vehabinyan" and NOT lekovod the memory of the Tzioini Shimon Bar Yochai who some erroneously call Rabbi which is a title that does not accrue to any Tzioini.

4) Therefore, an appraisal of the property, home, store, warehouse, factory or office building, in which the bonfire is to be carried out must be performed prior to Lag b'Oimer by a licenced fire insurance adjuster who is of the Brotherhood of Creedmoor.

5) And the figure of the appraisal as per traditional means of said appraisal must be multiplied by a power of 613 before it is submitted to the insurance companies on our Approved List for purchase of multiple policies.

6) In addition, an inventory of flammable valuables must be forged and added to the Appraisal so that the rewards of Sryfis HaBinyan will be properly multiplied yet again.

7) Under no condition is the Fire Department to be called unless it is a volunteer force made up solely of members of the Brotherhood of Creedmoor who can be guaranteed to issue a proper fire report. Only when all evidence of the hyliger mitzvoh of arson, which is far too holy to be witnesssed by a tzioini Fire Department, has been destroyed, may a fire department not affiliated with Creedmoor be called.

8) The bonfire will be considered finished, and the mitzvois of Sryfis haDegel and Sryfis haBinyan fulfilled according to halacha, only when a representative of the Arba Misois Byse Din of Creedmoor visits the place of conflagration and pronounces the words: "S'iz geven a gitte sryfe". This will take place only when a suitable amount of funds, equalling 130% of the insurance policies issued, is remitted to the Arba Misois Byse Din. 

3 comments:

Lemon said...

Thank you for posting this because now we are aware of the true halachot of the matter.
I don't know what I would do without this blog to guide me through life.
since I found the power of Creedmore Chassidis I am one happy camper today.

Reb Nussen Drekkiger said...

Listen here yingerman

our heilige gemeinde vun crooks and warehouse boiners will no longer be tolerating your slanderous mockery of us

not all of us sit on food stamps all day, some of us wake up early in the morning, dip in the mikveh vun der heilige uraniumischer rebbe who leaves the water glowing green, and then armed with only two stapled together xeroxes that no one can read, we beg from shul to shul for tzedukeh to support acheinu bnei yishmael who are hargening de tzionim in de tzioni entity

And when de shul don't give us money, only then do we burn it down

and we do not take money from the burning except for what we need to feed our children and mistresses

a groyse dank

I will be expecting you to correct these misconceptions very soon or you will soon be taking a dip in der uraniumischer rebbe's mikveh headfoist

bizchus avoinoteinu hamekulkalim, yours truly

Reb Nussen Drekigger

Der Shygetz said...

BS"D

Tayerer Reb Nussen, as long as the Obama administration keeps printing gelt, there's plenty of it far myne chassidis, in far dan chassidis, in far der Otisviller in far allemen tzi ganvet zan! And that's why we in Creedmoor don't bother with all this schnorring stuff - why bother taking some gonif's hard earned insurance payout when we can get our own from the Fannie Mae bailout!

But don't worry, you can come and schnorr in the Creedmoorer beis medrash lebiur hainyan vebiur habinyan; our presses turn out enough lira, frank, shekel, dollar funt for everyone!