The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes - Part 1 - the 10 Sfiros

BS"D

With the Kabbalah craze in full swing, how can the Admou"r meCreedmoor not get in on the action? The answer is - of course he is in on the action - with his famous program "The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes".

And it begins with his very novel definition of the 10 Sfiros, or, as he translates them, noxious emissions:

The Head Sfira:

Makas Bechoiros. Makas Bechoiros is akin to the head, as it controls all of the other 9 sfiros. It is particularly praiseworthy to let the sfira of Makas Bechoirois lead you into finding the proper way to handle your money - the reference is to either hitting first or getting hit first which in turn means being among the original investors in a Ponzi scheme.

Sfira #2:

Skila. Skila represents violent and destructive emotions. These should be channeled not into investment decisions but into the fight against tzioinis, chessed and ehrlichkeit that is the essence of a Creedmoorer Chossid.

Sfira #3

Sreyfa. Sreyfa represents burning, and the significance of burning to one who follows in the distortions and darkness of Chassidus Creedmoor should be well known already. One who looks to the sfira of Sreyfa to make investment decisions tends to put down deposits and insurance premiums on vacant buildings.

Sfira #4

Onan. Onan represents non productive wasting of resources. The sfira of Onan is extremely negative and should never be taken into account when dealing with resources belonging to anyone other than the government or the Zionist entity. However, welfare records going back to the time of the avois show that the Schmoigerman rebbeim are registered as descendants of Onan so that even this sfira can be elevated by wasting resources that are not your own anyway.

Sfira #5

Izevel. Izevel represents the folly of allowing one's wife to lead him. This means that whatever profits which result from an illegal transaction will be spent on jewelry, plastic surgery, shoes and other useless items whereas the investor who follows the sfira of Izevel will be soundly blamed when his illegal scams go wrong even though plenty of money is hidden in his Izevel's name.

Sfira #6

Mitzrayim. Mitzrayim represents meitzorim, and this in turn means either honest work or a prison sentence. The Admou"r explains that while he is indeed a second son who would have been left behind in Mitzrayim, today's golus is golus Edom and it is praiseworthy to be left behind as otherwise one would be a tzioini who worships the tryfe state. Therefore, Mitzrayim representing scams that are either so easy to detect that prison is to be expected, as well as honest work, is to be avoided.

Sfira #7

Gezel. Gezel is the most admirable sfira according to Kabbalas Malkos Creedmoor. This is because gezel represents the transfer of gashmius from those who are affected with the klipas of civilization and hard work to those who resist same. Gezel investments are those in which all benefit except the mark, but the mark is nisht fin inzerer so it hardly matters. And if the mark is the government of any democracy except Iran, then harei ze meshubuch.

Sfira #8

Mirma. Mirma is deceit and this is the basis for the positive sfiras of gezel and makas bechoirois. The Admou"r somehow connects makas bechoirois to the deceit of Lovon giving his older daughter Leah to Yaakov before Rochel the younger daughter, and since like Lovon HaArami the Admou"r "bikesh laakor et hakol" meaning in this case to destroy not only tzioinis but the whole world economy through his welfare scams and printing of bad money, he is a great admirer of Lovon.

Sfira #9

Pritzus. Without pritzus, the rock on which Chassidus Creedmoor stands, namely the Mishmeres haTznius could not exist. As far as investments are concerned, the Admour speaks of "poiretz geder", meaning that all investment scams must break through the boundaries of even plausible scams. The Admou"r no longer sets up a scam unless it will net him over three quintillion counterfeit Euros in profit, and these Euro must be in odd numbered two digit denominations so that no one mistakes them for Tzioini or otherwise legal Euros.

Sfira #10

Prikus Oyl. This is another key sfira in Chassidus Creedmoor, for the Admou"r connects the word prikus to the word pork (which the Admou"r accepts as kosher so long as the pigs were schechted by welfare recipients and/or using stolen circular saws, and are sold in packages that are at least 35% shortweight). And pork comes from the chozzer. an animal associated with greed and overstuffing. It is also an animal which has kosher feet but is of course not kosher - the epitome of the chitzoinius (externality or superficiality) to which the fanatic Creedmoorer is enjoined to strive. And finally, it represents pork barrel politics, which allows special interest groups, such as multiple welfare recipients who operate their own welfare printing houses, to obtain all sorts of benefits and exemptions from prosecution on the basis of their mental patient status. In short, the Admou"r instructs his Chassidim to be the ultimate porkers in every sense of the world - and a prikus oyl investment is one where there are no restrictions whatsoever to the greed of all participants.

Emergency Kashrus Psak and New Calendar System from Der Admou"r

BS"D

"It is totally, utterly and very strictly forbidden to walk in the ways of the goyim and the Tzioinim in any way, shape or form!  Work and honest business dealings are considered chukas hagoyim al pi tabaat the extinguished and unsalted writings of my hyliger ancestors and all other gedoilim who cling to the walls of the kisse hakavoid and can be removed only through heavy scrubbing and brushing.

Therefore, I hereby proclaim that any food product, even those which are certified 'naki mekoil chashas timas haTzioinis' such as the Saudi Arabian petroleum kishke and Malaysian rubber cholent potatoes sold under our affiliated brand name Maachal Ben Drusoy, is considered tryfe and nevyle when purchased for cash earned according to legal means as defined by the justice system and society of the Tzioinim or the Tzioinish and Tumadige Republic of Americhke or its Canadian satellite. 

As of today 5539 Av 5708*/641 Ramadan 1329, even our chain of Bais Chaval tourist centers which welcome tourists in the manner of Sdoim of old are instructed not to serve any food for Tuesday Shabbos dinners and Thursday cholent lunches if this food must be obtained with cash which is earned through any means other than scamming, and we once again remind the shluchim of Beis Chaval that they must uphold the standards of Creedmoor in every way no matter how far they are located from Byse Chayosynee and what planetary system governs the jurisdiction in which they are located.

I instruct those who walk in the remaining half watt of Chassidis Creedmor ve'shaar marin bishin to eat only that which is known to have been purchased with fraudulent welfare benefits, even if it means foregoing those Creedmoorer products which are available in remote communities where one risks confiscation of forged welfare benefits and similar instruments of trade which are among those accepted under this edict, and those who are machmir to purchase all foodstuffs with counterfeit currency are especially praiseworthy (ubaal goial nefesh yachmir)!"

* In addition, as of today we count the date from the establishment of the Tzioinish medina which is redefined as 9 Av 5708, and since there can be no simcha after the establishment of the medine there is no month other than Av in the Naye Creedmoorer Luach. In addition out of respect for our Islamic brethren in the cause of destroying the Tzioinish entity it is praiseworthy to use a date in Ramadan as well.

We must rely on the same hallowed and arbitrary means of calculating the exact day as we use when calculating the amount of welfare benefits accruing to each personality al pi the sefer Kaballah "Azazel HaMalach" of the Admou"r haKoidesh of Leavenworth ZYL"A, so that it matters little what day in Av it is, only that all dates have four digits or more in Av 5708 when the sun stopped shining over Tel Baruch and the land stopped giving its bounty..............

-Admou'r Dovid Schmoigerman, Great Light of the Nation Allied in Deceit and Gross Theft (Ha'am misyacheid bemirma vegezel), Grand Rabbi of the Disjointed Community of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor and All Branches Thereof Throughout All Galaxies In Which Welfare and Disabilty Benefits Are Granted and Where Fire Insurance Policies May Be Issued.

Signed this day of 898676 Av 5708/3245 Ramadan 1409. 

Yechi Creedmoor Le'oilam Voed! - my first and only serious rant on this blog

BS"D

I know that I have said many times that I am going to stop because I feel I have run out of material, but I have made a final decision to keep Creedmoor updated as best I can for the foreseeable future.

First of all, I would like to thank my fans, both those who admit to it and the many anonymous visitors from around the world for your support.

However, my reason for remaining is not to please fans; it is because I feel that Creedmoor, as a satire of some very real problems in the community as well as a source for a few good laughs, fulfills a very real need.

On the one hand, the problems exaggerated and satirized in Creedmoor do exist. 

There most certainly is abuse of entitlement programs in our communities, and it is time that this stops especially with the present political and economic situation in the US. And there are, unfortunately, a small but loud and egregious minority of so called haimishe Yidden who think that violence and extreme actions are the proper way to respond to those who fall victim to the influence of modern society on our Torah way of life. 

But these people represent nothing and no one. As long as Hashem made us with a yetzer horo, these real life Creedmoorers, the Ponzi schemers, the welfare fraudsters who present Medicaid cards and EBT cards while wearing Prada tichlach, the Elchanan Bouzaglos, Elior Chens and Shlomo Helbranses, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, Monsey and London NK etc will exist and cause very real chilul Hashem.

Nevertheless, they and their antics are not a reflection on anything and are therefore best dealt with not by airing our dirty laundry out for everyone to see (because no matter what, our dirty laundry is better than their newly dry cleaned Armani suits and Versace dresses), but rather via satire.

Of course I push the envelope a bit, but what I write is really no different from some of Reb Yom Tov Ehrlich's lyrics from his songs that dealt with the encroachment of modern society on our world and how some were falling fast, or from the Gelt song which gave me so many ideas when I got started.

And it is very different from the ramblings of those who use the depraved depradations of a few real life Creedmoorers to write blogs in which they try to tear apart frum society while living on its fringes and reaping its benefits.

Most importantly, it is an answer to the few loud fools, and that is what they are, who use the existence and antics of the Creedmoorers to justify their selfish and ill advised decision to leave Judaism altogether. 

Sadly, I know this from experience - I was a victim of someone who is lower than a Creedmoorer in that his criminality does very real damage to Yidden which cannot be ridiculed, and it caused me to leave for far, far too long. 

Still, I myself was a direct victim - it is not as if I was busy reading about Shereshevsky, or the convicted warehouse burners of the J clan, or the abuse cases (which I cannot and will not satirize), and used that as an excuse to leave - I left in great sadness and disappointment and regret every moment of it. 

I can understand when a real abuse victim leaves Yiddishkeit and I believe that the tznius patrol types should use every means necessary to punish real abusers, including what is probably incorrectly defined as mesira, rather than directing their violent nature toward those who are struggling with modesty or family purity issues. But for every real abuse victim, there are twenty fakes who decided to leave and then make up an instance of abuse which is either exaggerated or never happened altogether.

But the Orthoskeptics (a new online term for grube yunger/maydlach) and the fryouts are just looking to be holier than thou and using the Creedmoorers as ammunition for their own egos and tayvas. Sorry, but lowering of tznius standards and expectations will not put an end to Elchanan Bouzaglo and company, nor is it a proper protest against it. Returning to the lax norms and standards of the  1950's (or as some people mistakenly define it, becoming more "modern") and seeing secular education as a value in itself and a source of moral instruction as opposed to a bedieved means for parnosso is no protection against becoming a Shereshevsky. 

Never mind that the writings of the likes of Voltaire and Nietzche which are part and parcel of secular higher education, are no better than Mein Kampf as a moral compass. In fact, some of the worst Wall Street fraudsters have advanced degrees; for every clown of a haimishe arsonist who perhaps causes 20,000$ in damage to an insurance company, there are 20 attorneys, accountants and securities dealers who cause real damage by stealing the hard earned money of victims who look to them for professional advice. 

I will not be surprised when an insider trading scandal is uncovered among self defined left wing MO, who bend all halachas when it suits them, claiming so nobly that they are more machmir regarding bein adam lechaveiro when in reality they are machmir only on tefillin dating and on using their law degrees and MBA's to make sure their scams are so complicated they never get caught..until now when in the wake of the Madoff scam the "Feds" are closing in on many suspected financial fraudsters. 

As for bein adam lechaveiro - when they land in the hospital (even for childbirth) they are the first ones who rely on the bikur cholim of Satmar whom they ridicule and despise, and when they travel they have no problem eating at a Chabad House as they disturb the shaliach's Shabbos by arguing David Berger's (may he have a refuah shelema) positions with him. They are but one step above the chiloni in EY (who truly knows no better) who gets a wheelchair from Yad Sarah and puts a Dros Kol Dos sticker on the back. 

And the worst criminals in the Jewish world are not the goofball arsonists and entitlement program scammers in Otisville. They are secular. Bernard Madoff. Ivan Boesky. Dennis Levine.

Yes, our worst is better than their best. 

That is because even though we have a yetzer horo, when it strikes we KNOW we are wrong and we do NOT admire those who are exposed as having fallen victim to the yetzer. (with the exception of dirty money going to tzedoko and buying respect, but often it is not known that the money is dirty until the very end and unless it is known there are issues of LH and MSR involved that are so complex that a top posek must be consulted regarding this).

Of course we should also know to get help before the yetzer leads to a chilul Hashem but sometimes the yetzer is just too strong. One who does not have Torah, or who tries to bend Torah chas vesholom worries only about being caught by the secular authorities or exposed by the community in which he lives because deep down, he does not believe. That is the case be these violations bein adam lamakom or bein adam lechaveiro.

And nowhere does it say that being "frum" means you will not do any aveirois. 

In some cases it means that because someone is on a high level, the yetzer hits even harder. If keeping kashrus to the "naki mekol chashash timas haTsionis" level of the Admou"r were a vaccine against welfare fraud, arson, theft or even murder, there would be no dinei mamonois and dinei nefashois in the Torah!! (or, as the Admou"r puts it - Yiddishkeit is nit nor gefilte fish un bagels and lox - s'iz skila, sreyfe, hereg, chenek in karays!)

OK enough is enough! This is not even remotely a serious blog or a place to discuss real issues. And since it is not a democracy either, I will announce right now that any comments defending the fryouts or the Orthoskeptics and their fouled thinking will be relentlessly Creedmoored in posts of their own.

I hope to update Creedmoor at least every Sunday; I still need to finish the Kabbalah of Investing post and to collect all my parody song lyrics and hope to do so this coming Sunday. I also need to see which posts I left unfinished and write the part 2's or part 3's of those that are worth finishing and I may clean the blog of those that can't be finished for whatever reason. 

I will probably wait until I have access to a recording studio to do any serious audio but if anyone wants a teaser audio of "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona", the EY/Sefardi version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor please contact me via my profile. Of course it will cost you 750 food shtempelach and a square meter of spiked kokosh cake but hey, it will probably become a collector's item...

In the meantime, see the next post for the latest psak of the Admou"r, just in time to make your Shabbos shopping a bit cheaper if more complicated ... again I promise NO MORE serious posts or rants here!

EMERGENCY KASHRUS ALERT - Kapoyer's Chelmisher Bagel Holez

BS"D

It has come to our attention that there has been a grave misuse of our © kashrus symbol by "Chelmisher Bakerei" of 1339 13th Avenue in Schnodderingham Park, Brooklyn, Zionist Occupied USA.

The product appears with a woefully unauthorized and counterfeit hechsher from "K'hal Anshei Gezel ve'Mirma d'Creedmoor". It is well known that our hyliger community is called "K'hal Anshei Domim ve'Mirmo d'Creedmoor" on all of the hyliger and exalted tax exemption and Federal funds documents which we have filed with the Zionist government and that there is no such entity as the one mentioned on said hechsher. In addition, the name of the kashrus certifier is given as "Dayan Groinem Dreckgeschefter". Dayan Dreckgeschefter zechusoi yogayn lo alynee is no longer alive, having passed away when his welfare and disability status was audited over three years ago. Finally, we do not certify bagel holes as that is a rather puny and unoriginal scam even if the manufacturer or distributor is attempting to have this product sold for food stamps.

Therefore, with the threat of "skila, sreyfa hereg vechenek beoilam haze vetzoiah roitachas le'oilam haba" we are asking the Chelmisher Bakerei to cease and desist from selling any products with any certification signs mentioning the word Creedmoor.

-In the exalted name and holiest of ghosts of the Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of the Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor:

Dayan Shelumiel - Koirach Schmatteschlepper, Av Beis Din and Av Beis HaSkila d'Kehillas Koidesh Creedmoor, may Hashem spare it His well deserved wrath

The Weekly Questionnaire from Cheder Pesha ve'Resha

BS"D

Like most schools, Creedmoor's flagship chyder sends a weekly questionnaire to parents of its fortunate students. Here is an example of same, in the original Hymish:

Name_____________

Names vus is registered mit dem welfare (please to use as much space from which you need):
_____________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________

How many times is your son this week making fights with his brider in shvester?_________

How many times is usink your kid bad language tzi redn about der Tzioinim or anyone else from which not is agreeing Chassidis Creedmoor?____________

How many times your yingle has lifted from shops this week?____________

Your yingle has maybe done his part far "Mivtza Break Your Neighbor's Fenster, Bike, Arm or Leg if He Doesn't Dress or Daven Exactly as You Do?" Please tell what has he done!_____________________

When the social worker is gekimen in shteeb, how many brother and sister is telling her your yingle is havink? Is it more or less than what you shrabt on the welfare?__________

Your yingle has burnt something down this week? Yoh___ Nyne___

Is your yingle learnink bed words in Spenish and Aynglish so he ken start fights with the shkootzim? Please not to be afraid to write from what werds he lernt.____________

Did your yingle have a food fight at the last chassune, bar mitzvah, vort or Section 8 approval party he is attending?__________

How many times your yingle is burning the Tzioinish flag? Far grades 1-2 has he done it this week in a warehouse near the gas?_______

Did your yingle manage to koif a bicycle oder an mp3 player mit foodshtemps or did he just steal one?_________

Please to be dishonest in usual Creedmoor feshion; is gekimen a prize (a yichid mitt'n Rebb'n) for the kid who is havink the best answers yeder voch for the next 2 chodoshim.

Schmoigerman "Insurance Fraud Marathon" Dwarfs Madoff

BS"D

(Compiled from reports from BSP, Baabamaases Press Agency, Hantariche International and just stam shtussim):

While the financial world still reels from the damage done by disgraced Ponzi scheme operator Bernard Madoff, our reporters have uncovered yet another scheme perpetrated by the perennial fraudster and self proclaimed Chassidic rebbe (and self-committed psychiatric patient), "Rabbi" David Schmoigerman.

The Schmoigerman "insurance fraud marathon", as investigators have termed it, consists of submitting falsified fire marshal reports for properties that do not seem to appear on any map or title search. With sums reaching into the quadrillions of dollars, the latest Schmoigerman scheme is on a far grander scale than that of Madoff - and the difference is that as a sovereign ruler of a strategic ally in the EU's struggle against Zionist domination, Schmoigerman can never be prosecuted in the EU. As far as the US is concerned, Schmoigerman is considered a permanently insane psychiatric patient who has been committed to a secure facility, which renders him immune from US prosecution as well.

In short, Rabbi David Schmoigerman is untouchable, despite even the unparalleled audacity of his most recent attempt to obtain immense sums of money through yet another series of fraudulent insurance transactions.

"There is no 3658 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn or 9874 Broadway in Manhattan! And there is no such street as 654th Road in ANY of the five boroughs!" stated an exasperated fire marshal who was asked by Schmoigerman to certify that 50, 56, and 97 story buildings located at each address respectively had met their demise in electrical fires.

Since no fire inspector would risk certifying any Schmoigerman building, the eternal schemer simply established a "Ministry of Fire and Flood Damage" of his rump "Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Other Unpleasant Happenings" and had his newly appointed "Minister", a psychiatrist named Bakri Patel (who is not listed as a licenced physician in New York State where he supposedly practices, leading investigators to suspect he is an illiterate goat farmer in a village in Gujarat, India where Schmoigerman has several phantom properties) certify the buildings as property of the independent entity that had indeed been damaged beyond repair.

Even more alarming is that some of the buildings are supposedly located in foreign countries and insured by underwriters that are not registered at any known location or properly licenced in any jurisdiction.

For instance, Rabbi Schmoigerman has claimed severe flood and mold damage at a building located on 65 bis Rue du Gros Choulentfresseur in Brussels, Belgium. Anyone with even a slight knowledge of Yiddish can recognize that such an address is a poorly conceived Frenchified version of a Yiddish phrase meaning a large or uncouth man who overindulges in a common Jewish Sabbath dish. But more frightening is that the building is insured by "Avadeh Insurance Group." Such an insurance firm is not registered anywhere, even offshore or as a syndicate. Other Schmoigerman insurors include "Welfareman's Fund," "State Pen Insurance," and "Allestzudrayt," with the largest exposure apparently placed on phantom firm "Assicurazioni Geneivetto SpA," registered at a toxic waste dumping ground in the Italian town of Reggio da Camorra.

It is apparent that Rabbi Schmoigerman has concocted a scheme whereby he claims damage to property, and then claims his insurance company has gone bankrupt or has misrepresented itself. In such a situation, he would be entitled to government and/or European Union compensation for lax regulations and/or regulator incompetence that has allowed these unlicenced insurers to collect years of premiums. Undoubtedly, the beloved Rabbi has forged receipts going back at least 20 years for each phantom property and insurer.

And who will pay for the Schmoigerman depredations?

We would normally say you, the taxpayer, but we suspect that Schmoigerman's fraud is on such a large level that trillions of dollars and Euros will have to be printed just to reimburse the self-appointed rabbi, whose claim of independence for his settlement of 90 quintillion rapidly reproducing and generously subsidized souls on the grounds of an abandoned psychiatric hospital is recognized by the EU, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Turkmenistan, and Saudi Arabia.

The question is - who will print the necessary currency?

Schmoigerman's avarice knows no bounds, and if he is unable to obtain reparations from government bodies, he will clearly print dollars and euros himself, and as a sovereign of a sovereign nation, he is immune from prosecution.

However, in the past, Schmoigerman currency has either been issued under the name "fudshtemp" or has been printed in denominations such as 700 Euro and 895 dollar notes.

Therefore, it seems that this scam, which could not possibly net Schmoigerman any profit, is in reality a ploy to ensure that he remains a legally committed psychiatric patient and therefore exempt from prosecution for his myriad welfare and social benefits scams throughout the world.

It is time to make Schmoigerman understand that only the government can steal taxpayer money, and that those who compete with it must be subject to the ultimate penalty - community service in which they reveal and explain their tactics so as to instruct the governments of the world as to how to more efficiently steal from hard working citizens.

Purim ain't over yet...

BS"D

Coming Soon...

1) The Kabbalah of Investment (Scams) - starting with the 10 sefiros al pi Kabbalas Creedmoor...

(posted - see above!)[2) Investigative Report: 99% of properties subject to insurance claims by self-proclaimed Chassidic rebbe cannot be located on standard maps....suspected fraud dwarfs that of Madoff..]

3) Lama, ma, ma, ma, nikra Creedmooriah...Creedmoor poems and song lyrics.

Der Admou"r Claims Reparations for Victims of Attila the Hun!

BS"D

Sir, the statute of limitations for reparations regarding the acts of Attila the Hun has passed long, long ago..so answered Pieter Sukkel Van Der Stront when he saw the form submitted by the corpulent, malodorous man in the tin foil hat and full body length orange plastic bag outfit...

"Try this and I show to you what is a statue from limitations...who is sculpting a limitations statue anyway in Americhke we is havink liberty statue and here you is havink limitations statue? I not understand! But here, try dis - it iz kokosh cake, der national food fin Americhke and der only gite zach we get from Attila.."

Little did the unsuspecting and undertalented clerk know that the kokosh cake which was being proffered was not from Hungary or even Williamsburgh but rather from nearby Amsterdam. And it was actually what could perhaps be described as "hash kokosh cake", tainted liberally with cannabis that had somehow been combined with lysergic acid diethylamide.

"So you are liking myne cake, Mr Van Der Stront? I am always liking the Dutch people because they like me total fake. Durink the war you are pretending to be friends of Jews and real you cooperate with the Germans, this I am liking because I pretend to be Rabbi who is wantink to destroy the Zionist state when really I am just wanting a quick dollar or two...."

When Pieter Sukkel Van der Stront heard "Germans" and "destroy the Zionist state," especially in his rather elevated condition, a light went on in his bureaucratically stifled brain:

"Ah, I must introduce you to myne Fuhrer, I mean the director of the department of Reparations for Zionist War Crimes of the International Court of Justice of the Flying Dutchman...I mean of the Hague. His name is Adolf, no wait Rudolf, well what's the difference his father and my father were both collaborators during the war and that's why we are now spending our lives trying to have the Zionists put on trial for war crimes...and now we have a collaborator of our very own!"

Of course, when it comes to politics, der Admou"r will claim any affiliation if he can profit from it, but he does draw the line at Nazi...

"Listen, shygetz, you are thinkink I am a Jewish Nazi? Det's not me, det's der Zionists and I am a Jew, not a Zionist except det I get unemployment from the national insurance for 70 million workers from my closed textile plant in Dimona det I couldnt keep goink because it never was existing in the first place. How about better you have noch a piece of cake end come up with better idea then introduce me to your Nazi uncle, shygetz! Here, here's another piece from kokosh cake!"

The little clerk ate what was a truly gigantic piece of adulterated kokosh cake, all of 500 grams to be exact, of which a good 100 grams was of hallucinogenic nature...

"Ah, yes, I am very sorry to have insulted your people, it is just that wow, did you see that flying blue whale above me? And he is eating a crocodile in front of a giant sunbeam in a garden full of mushrooms..."

"Yes, its gut der nature, no? So pretty that big whale but it is a she and zi iz green, nisht blue and so is the bear! And how about instead from taking me to your Nazi uncle, you give to him now a piece more from my kokosh cake and ask he should sign over reparations on behalf from the Ingarish people to the damage done by Zionist Attila the Hun to the innocent Philistine people...."

Yes, David Schmoigerman had truly entered into the annals of abuse of international law with this latest proposal.

As so many attorneys find themselves without work in these lean times, he had generously suborned a recent law school graduate so that he would generate a sheaf of documents authorizing the International Court of Justice of The Hague, Netherlands to disburse 300 million Euro to David Schmoigerman, Chief Rabbi of the Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, as reparations for the Zionist war crimes of Attila the Hun against the Philistine people, with Hungary of today being the guarantor.

Since Hungary is a net recipient of EU funds, this was as far-fetched and fictitious a transaction as any of the Admou'r's business dealings - for the EU would then subsidize Hungary for the payment in exchange for an admission of guilt and service on the EU Committee for the Destruction of Zionism.

In any case, the EU, which indeed recognizes the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, always manages to find funds for anything that smacks of destruction of the Zionist entity and accusing it of war crimes. So, for the Admou"r, this was free and easy money that for once he did not have to print on his own.

Completely separated by the realities of this world and his insignificant post by immense quantities of cannabis and LSD, Pieter Sukkel van der Stront was truly feeling grand and important when he left his small office and just about soared in the sky (or so he thought as he observed flocks of flying Labrador Retrievers chasing Porsche Cayennes above him as he walked in the corridor of international injustice and political chicanery known as the International Court of Law) toward the office of Gustav Adolf H. Debiel, Director of the Bureau of Zionist War Crimes Reparations.

Usually, the honorable Director spent his EU funded days watching old Leni Riefenstahl films, breaking only to read old issues of Der Steurmer which his beloved wife Eva brought him from her job as Media Director of the international tribunal.

But this time, something seemed unusual. There was no Reifenstahl film of soldiers goose stepping showing on the EU subsidized plasma screen TV, and no issue of Der Steurmer on the director's desk. Yet, he was ranting on and on in the height of agony: "They poisoned me, they poisoned me, my Fuhrer is gone and soon I will join him... Eva is dead now too....what is this world worth...Purimfest, Purimfest, Purimfest...all 10 are gone with der Fuhrer"

In case you are a sheltered yeshiva bochur or Beis Yaakov girl, what was happening was very simple. The esteemed Director hardly needed any of the Admou"r's kokosh cake to separate from reality - he himself was addicted to hallucinogens and apparently was experiencing flashbacks from years of drug abuse.

And in walked Pieter Sukkel van der Stront with a sheaf of documents..and he said "Herr Fuhrer, please sign these so we can get rid of the Zionists once and for all and prepare for the final return of the Third and a Half Reich Part B, section 8..."

Silently, in the throes of agony, Gustav Adolf H. Debiel signed the papers, and upon signing the last dotted line, he fell back in his imaginary bunker, but very real office chair, his worthless and hateful life on this Earth having ended with his final act of...............enriching a self appointed Chassidic rebbe who would pose as a Buddhist lama if he could make a quick and shady buck that way.

When Pieter Sukkel van der Stront returned with the signed papers, he complained of a serious headache. Der Admou"r threw a package of his own special Tylenol 4 capsules (containing mescaline, to be exact) on the desk as he snatched the signed papers from the unsuspecting clerk.

The next day, the Descendants of Dutch Veterans of the Waffen SS Club of The Hague held dual funerals for two of its most respected members. And der Admou"r was sitting on his usual first class seat on a flight back to Kennedy where a limousine would whisk him back to Creedmoor.

And as soon as he returned to Creedmoor, he called his legal advisor and had a securities prospectus put together for the Schmoigerman Platinum Hedge Fund, in which he would actually sell shares in the money he was about to receive from the EU, backed by promises of funds from 1000 lottery scammers, all of whom had sent E-mails out to der Admou"r from...der Admou"r's own IP number, registered to his state of the art servers which he colocated in a vacant crack house in the South Bronx that he maintained for the sole purpose of collecting insurance each time he staged a fire or other act of Schmoigerman in the abandoned block of boarded up buildings and rat infested vacant lots where no self respecting crackhead would ever want to venture.

Somehow, the number of shares issued equaled about sixty-three thousand, four hundred and fifty one per cent of the proceeds of the amalgam of spurious deals which backed the securities. But the investments came in - from widows who were actually happily married grandmothers, from quadriplegics who could lift twice the Admou"r's extremely substantial weight, from Section 8 tenants who owned palaces in Rockland and Orange and Kings counties, from pharmacists who sold prescriptions to patients who existed only for Medicare and Medicaid purposes as well as from the patients themselves...in short der Admou"r managed to convince the various welfare agencies that he defrauds on a regular basis to issue even more payments on even more phantom disabled and impoverished personalities so as to replace the money he misappropriated in prior scams by investing it in...his latest scam.

And why doesn't the government arrest Schmoigerman? It is very simple - he is an inspiration when it comes to printing money and coming up with bailout plans that have no financial backing whatsoever!

Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - Shiur by the Admou"r meCreedmoor

BS"D

As spring approaches, the desire and opportunity for our hyliger yachnes, machshefas, choleryes and other noshim tzidkaniois to violate basic rules of modesty becomes greater and greater. Therefore, the hyliger Admou"r is once again leading the way by organizing and funding a Veltvide Mishmeres HaTznius - Intergalactic Modesty Squad - with branches everywhere from Teaneck to Pluto.

This Shabbos was Shabbos Mevorchim Av (the Admou"r has removed Adar from the calendar and moved Av into its place out of respect to his Iranian colleagues as well as due to his belief that there is no simcha as long as the Zionist entity is in place and as long as it is a felony to falsify US tax returns to show inflated donations to the Admou"r's tzedakois), so that the Admou"r gave his most detailed shiur yet regarding the laws pertaining to proper practices and operation of the Modesty Patrol.

We present the full shiur given this past Shabbos Parshas Corinthians/Haftoro Sunna 8:14 (Friday 25 Ramadan), memorized and transcribed by Koirach Shelumiel Falschreiber, one of the ninety five trillion (ken yirbu) personalities of the Admou"r who was chosen for this desalted and extinguished task on account of his utter nonexistence anywhere but on the welfare rolls of the US, Canada, and ten EU countries:

1) Community payment for services of the Modesty Squad:

Maaser equivalent to 284% of the number of welfare cheques per head which can and should be received by the sponsoring community is to be collected from all possible governmental sources or by counterfeiting cash and financial instruments. The significance of 284, 204 being gematria tzadik and 80 being the letter pay, is well known from my teachings and does not need further explanation at this time. These funds should be divided as follows:

33% - Payment and Uniforms for Volunteers. Volunteers shall be paid no less than three Estonian forints per hour served as well as 381 forints for each item of clothing destroyed and removed from its wearer. Uniforms shall be of tin foil wrapped in orange cellophane and should cover the entire body of the volunteer.

33% - Legal Defense Fund for Volunteers; including gifts to police and legitimate security patrols.

45% - Remittance to Admou"r's Discretionary Fund for training material and brochos from the hyliger Admou"r.

Now a question always arises when dealing with maaser, knasim, maamad money and the like in the hyliger shitta of Creedmoor - how do we possibly get to more than 100%? And the answer is simple. Chassidus Creedmoor is all about exceeding natural limitations by breaking boundaries such as civil and criminal law which prevent us from reaching our true potential. So, we invent new personalities who in essence turn us from 100% per cent which for koifrim is shlymis, to percentages as high as ninety five quadrillion which is so much higher than nature. And by converting the spirituality of these extra personalities to the material world of welfare, insurance payouts and disability cheques, we are mekayem our purpose in this world which is to show that "and who is the wise one (chochom)? The one who says whatever is mine is mine and whatever is the government's is also mine" (Avois d'Rabbynee Ponzi 34:1).

So now we return once again to the modesty squad - what is its purpose and under what halachos does it operate?

2) The Purpose of the Modesty Squad:

In a community as large as ours that grows by leaps and bounds with a few keystrokes, there are those personalities that just do not fit the usual expectations of a Creedmoorer Chussid. In this case we speak of those who prefer the action of real street battles to the more intellectual pursuits of falsifying everything from passports to death certificates to halachos themselves, as taught in our hyliger moisdois starting with Gan Pesha ve'Resha and going on through State, Federal and Her Majesty's Koilelim. So, we give them an outlet which allows them to use their active nature to enforce the modesty standards of our community, which are based on and a new improved version of those taught by the tzaddik Haham Mullah Omar, baal ha-Taliban.

For instance, we have finally succeeded in totally and completely banning ANY fabric made from traditional natural or synthetic fibers, in favor of tin foil and thick plastic bags. But there are some women who insist on wearing the black burqas of the tzioinim, which are of black cotton and wool, both of which are outlawed due to a chashash of shatnez.

I therefore instruct the unsalted volunteers of the modesty squads to literally dissolve this horrendous kefira and merida bemalchis by cutting these fabric garments off their wearers and to soak them in sulfuric acid in a public place. (Note: it is unclear as to whether the Admou"r wants the clothing or the wearers to be dissolved but either is feasible given the nature of the Admou"r's psak lately).

And the cost of the acid must be assumed by the violators of our modesty; the volunteers are instructed to extort from the violators up to 9000 Bangladeshi rials for each violation, of which 5000 are to be remitted to the Acid Gemach and 1000 are to be sent to the Admou"r's Maamad Fund.

For this, strong and brave men are needed, not those who spend their days in the computer room of our batei medrash and print documents, but those who are more suited for serving the hyliger kehilla by physical work. When a volunteer is patrolling, he is authorized to also augment his income by purveying narcotics and stimulants, actual or counterfeit, to those outside the hyliger machane of Chassidis Creedmoor, and to keep any funds so earned for his own use.

So, the Modesty Squad allows all personalities, of all different natures, to find their places in our hyliger community. We are not beset by the problems of the koifrim, whose sons often cannot find a place outside the yeshiva and therefore wander about aimlessly and use that which our proud men of the tznius patrol are authorized to sell to them, so as to further weaken the grip that kefira and tzioinis have on am Azazel at this time of false hope of the geula which is diametrically opposed to the federal, state and local benefits of this long golus that we hope to maintain forever through our avyrois.

3) Basic Definition of Modesty and Violations Thereof:

A Creedmoorer personality must be covered from head to toe in opaque metallic material, belaaz tin foil, so that the various regulatory and law enforcement organs that continue to threaten our way of life cannot see that she does not exist to begin with. For in Creedmoor, we have achieved the ultimate in tznius - OUR WOMEN JUST DO NOT EXIST!

With that in mind, what must our patrols enforce?

a) Full covering of all exposed skin and dark lenses on the eye slits. Only tin foil may be used, with colored tin foil permitted only on Shabbos (Tuesday).

b) Shoes must also be covered in tin foil and may not have heels larger than 5 centimeters with exceptions being granted in cases of shidduchim with our hyliger bochurim who may be taller than they by over 10 centimeters.

c) No Creedmoorer woman may drive a car, ride a bicycle, skate or walk more than 6 amois behind a man, whether of our community or of actual existence outside the hyliger annals of our Chassidis which happen to coincide so well with the welfare records of all 50 states, all Canadian provinces, and most of the German lander.

d) These regulations are in effect AT THE TIME OF BIRTH of a new female Creedmoorer personality.

The leaders (hyliger bulvonim) and volunteers (gebensched shtarkers) of the Modesty Patrol are indeed the knights in shining tin foil of our Chassidis, and from this day on they should receive the tenth, twelfth and fourteenth aliyas every Shabbos, as well as the fifteenth sura during all of Ramadan.

We is apologizimk for the delay..

BS"D

The string vus is konnektink the 2 tin kens they iz usink to make Internet connect is broken and myne connect is very bad so I ken't give Reb Gimpel der information he is needink for his 2 naye article. So he have dem up in time far next Tuesday and den he ritink some new ones.

Here's What's Coming Up! Mishenichnas Adar Marbim beCreedmoor!

BS"D

So, what do we have coming before Shabbos:

So far:

1) A full shiur on Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - the Halachas of Modesty Patrols!

From the proper choice of detergents, bleaches, acids, vegetables and syrups to exact measurements of proper forms of dress, only der Admou"r has the answers. And of course he explains just who should pay for the services of the Mishmeres, and how to give him his cut..........

2) Der Admou"r meCreedmoor Sues Hungary in the Hague! Compensation demanded for the crimes of Attila the Hun......lawsuit linked to shady rabbi in Queens and possible backing for an illegal and highly implausible investment scheme...

Ponzi? Pfff... Madoff? Move aside! Der Admou"r combines a frivolous lawsuit which he manages to file only thanks to liberal drug laws in Holland (hint - ever try hash kokosh cake?), with an investment scheme to cook up the best international fraud scheme ever.

The Real Truth

BS"D

While I appreciate Mr Friedman is so enamoured of my journalistic powers that he cites my publication as the reason for his feigned tshive, I must reveal the real reason.

With Purim coming, the hopes of the Jewish people are focused on the speedy and not necessarily painless or politically expedient removal from the ranks of the living of the present day Haman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad YMS. And the traditional punishment for the likes of Ahmadinejad is of course hanging, particularly from 50 amos above the capital (Teheran will do although Shushan of then is Hamadan of today).

Now, an extremely light and fragile (half a) man such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very difficult to hang as he will sway in the wind and possibly slip out of his noose. In primitive Iran, the way this is prevented is the use of ballast, or a weight attached to the victim's legs or back.

And who would make better ballast than the similarly flyweighted Fweeky Fweedy, the Chief Rabbi Designate of the Regime of the New Haman? Together, the two halves of the loving couple (which one is the eizer and which the kenegdo?) will reach a proper weight for fast and efficient hanging.

So, out of fear that the Jews in Iran will re-enact the Purim story by also ridding themselves of Zeresh ishto, Fweeky Fweedy, who as pictures prove was lawfully wedded to Ahmadinejad by a Conservative Islamic imam, has temporarily disassociated himself from his husband.

We expect this situation to change after Purim, when Fweeky Fweedy searches yet again for attention!

And we at Der Shygetz - Der Eppes a Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikve-Nyess Blatt - will not give Fweedy any more attention at this time but instead finish some of the articles which remain neglected here, as well as provide our readers with such timely information as "How to Choose A Ponzi Investment Scheme".

Coming very soon - a full shiur on an oft neglected topic in halacha le(bubba)maaseh - Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius al pi ha Admou"r meCreedmoor.

The Fweekjob Confesses: I am Afraid From the Creedmoor Chronicler!

BS"D

Vienna (Baabemaases Press Agency):

"He knows who am I! He is knowing that I was thrown in washing machine at birth and this is why I am who I is!" So exclaimed the eminently ludicrous Moshe Aryeh Friedman to our reporter this morning. The interview took place in his small, secluded murky mudwater mikveh where Friedman swims every morning along with his pet rat, Herzlyimachshmoi.

The man he refers to with such trepidation is none other than Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Esq, the owner and publisher of the famous Yinglish newspaper "Der Shygetz", which is distributed free of charge in Otisville Federal Penitentiary as well as several men's ritual baths in Brooklyn, NY.

Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher, a journalist who himself is known for his narrowly avoided convictions, namely on charges of illegal manufacture of alcoholic beverages from wood and polystyrene resin, became renowned as the premier mikve journalist in cyberspace when he fabricated and exposed the infamous Admou"r meCreedmoor. The Admou'r is a self appointed phantom Chassidic rebbe who boasts ninety plus trillion followers, every one of whom exists only on the welfare and medical insurance rolls of various countries as well as the United Nations.

And Pashkvilkemacher was the first and only one to discern the awful truth: Moshe Aryeh Friedman is a Chassid of this Rebbe, whose legal name is David Schmoigerman. Friedman apparently relied on Schmoigerman to smuggle him out of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, where Friedman was a registered patient and where Schmoigerman illegally occupies several abandoned buildings. Pashkvilkemacher also gained access to medical records which proved that Friedman suffers from permanent brain dislocation due to his having been thrown in a washing machine as a baby. This was the final blow in a series of babyhood misfortunes which began when Friedman was born premature in the back of a butcher shop and kept alive with a chicken incubator that was powered improperly with a single AAA cell when it was meant to run on a 9 volt battery. In addition, baby Moishe Aryeh was given helium that was kept on hand for inflating balloons at a nearby party favors store, rather than oxygen which is standard medical practice for premature babies.

"Yes, the Rebbe from Creedmoor got me to Europe. He roll me up in a bedsheet and throw me out from a window on the second floor. Myne parents sent me to Creedmoor because after I was thrown in that washing machine there was nowhere else to put me. The Rebbe taught me that I didn't have to be satisfied with just one disability and SSI cheque; he said even a little pipsquirt like me can get 1000 of them with my eyes closed. But this I am not liking; I like better to take money from Iran. Then it all stop when I get toman from Mahmoudele and I complain I can't convert them nisht in Vilyemburg. Then Mahmoudele he say now we are divorced, so if that the way they are treating me I am not wanting nothing more to do with myne old gang."

"Besides, I am afraid from Der Shygetz. His paper they call me a freak, a nut, a Fweeky Fweedy and from this I am sick. So maybe I pretend I a little bit normal and see if I can for myself and my family get a few Austrian welfare checkelach and some EU subsidies. They are giving for all kinds of farmers all kinds of subsidies and in America I was geven a funny farmer so I am for sure eligible. So maybe now I settle down to a quiet new life without no Iran and no Creedmoor and no Shygetz making fun from me."

Needless to say, given the coherence and authenticity of this interview, and the approaching Purim holiday, we doubt our colleague Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher will let up on his intensive coverage of the most insignificant little windbag in all of the Jewish World, Moshe Aryeh Friedman a/k/a Fweeky Fweedy.

Fweeky Fweedy Does Tshive

BS"D

Yes, the unexpected has happened! Mamash Moshiach's tzeit! The eminently ludicrous Moishe Aryeh Friedman, whose utter lack of resemblance to either Moishe Rabbenu or a lion as well as his not exactly being tzi frieden has led me to rename him Fweeky Fweedy, has announced that he has done tshive and has renounced his love for the Naye Homon, Mahmoud Ahmadinanejendeh Dam Reshoim Yerakev.

He announced this on the frum equivalent of the Jerry Springer show, namely the Zevel Hoizbrenner circus hour, which has been (dis)graced by Fweedy, his buddy Scheiss, the infamous Bittul HaTzoimos group who are doing their part to turn Crown Heights into Clown Depths, and other various and sundry fringe freaks.

However, we at Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikveh Nayes/Der Shygetz/Gelber Zhournal know the real reason for his so called tshive.

Apparently, in one of his usual harebrained schemes, Fweeky attempted to convert the Iranian toman which he received from Mad Mahmoud into US EBT credits a/k/a food shtempelach so that he could send his EBT card to sympathizers in the US who in turn would send him his beloved Green's (as in mouldy) Kokosh Cake.

Since the US and Iran do not have diplomatic relations and even the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who prints his own toman in odd-numbered denominations (and even in a user friendly fill in your own zeroes format), does not wish to associate with Fweeky these days, the transaction was impossible. In any case, even if his supporters paid in cash, no grocer would sell kokosh cake for transshipment to Fweeky, who is in chyrem across the Jewish spectrum. So, Fweeky Fweedy had to do whatever he could to get out of chyrem and get his farshtinkeneh, farshimelt cake ASAP.

Therefore, Fweeky sold out for nothing but restoration of his US food shtempelach and a few pounds of mouldy kokosh cake. He is still waiting for Zevel Hoizbrenner to figure out where Green's Bakery is located and how to get cake from Brooklyn to Vienna in one decomposing piece.

That is a bit more than the government of the medine got for selling out to world opinion in the middle of cleaning up Gaza.

----------
Update: I have received a letter from the eminent Fweakjob himself saying that his exasperation at being the butt of my satire, especially as Adar once again approaches, was the main factor in his shocking announcement. It is presently being translated from gibberish and will be posted along with my response after Shabbos.

A Word from Our Loyal Sponsor - Mehadrin-O-Metik

BS"D

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Mickey the Machloikes Man

BS"D

Like a Chicago housing project where even police do not dare to tread, D-ward was rendered off limits for the interim director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, a young Russian born, American trained psychiatrist named Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman. Dr Khaitman, whose temporary assignment was conferred upon him as a condition for having accepted a scholarship to medical school, was warned by the largely Admou"r-suborned staff that D-ward was considered an independent country, and since it had no relations with the United States, Dr Khaitman could not travel there with his US passport. As Dr Khaitman was a refugee who had left his native S Petersburg during Communist times, he did not want to risk citizenship issues, and he knew full well that the Admou"r was not on the official treatment roster, so he had no reason or desire to visit the abandoned husk of a building that housed the Creedmoorer rabbinical court and all of its phantom followers.

However, this all changed one fine spring morning when he heard a loud, off tune, rendition of a familiar tune coming from the D-ward exercise yard, which was within earshot of his open window.

The tune was an old camp song going back to his first summer in America, when 11 year old Yevgeny Moiseevich Khaitman became Yehuda ben Moshe ha-Levi, thanks to the warm welcome he received at a camp for Russian immigrant boys that was part of the worldwide Camp Machane Yaakov movement. From that beginning, Yehuda went on to a Jewish day school and after a period of questioning in college and medical school, became a fully observant Torah Jew, close to but perhaps not a true member of the Chassidic movement that sponsored the camp.

Never much of a music fan, Dr Khaitman could not remember the actual words that fit the familiar tune. But one thing was for sure, the lyrics did not even remotely resemble what he heard, to (nit)wit: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I stir up strife wherever I can. Whatever I don't agree with I want to ban. I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man".

He had also never heard it accompanied to the sound of a small, rotund, gnomelike man banging his head against the worn padding of the burnt out shell of what had been the D-ward dayroom, before the Admou"r burned it down for insurance purposes.

Dr Khaitman asked the little man, whose name he assumed was Mickey: "What are you doing here? You don't look like a Chossid of any sort; seems you don't like us too much but are you really looking to meet the Admou"r meCreedmoor? He's in Alcatraz this week or maybe he's in Iran or Saudi Arabia for all I know...or in some beis boshes in Paris...."

Mickey replied: "What do you mean! That song is pure kefira and has no business being sung with the real words, which are "Dear Rebbe, we love you so. Why did you leave us, we do not know." And my mission is to destroy kefira wherever I can by spreading machloikes between Yidden, all in the name of my new brand of pop mussar that I teach to everyone who pays any attention to me, which is 6 weirdos just like me and a couple of goyim."

"Mussar? Well, I consider myself a Chossid of the Rebbe, but I know what mussar is, and what you are preaching is not mussar in yeshivish, but mussor in Russian. And whichever way you look at it, you are trespassing, because either this is Creedmoor and you have no pass for here, or this is the Admou"r's independent territory and he doesn't let anyone visit without paying him food stamps for a kvittel. Why are you here?"

"Oh, well, I got lost looking for the outpatient treatment center. Check your records, not that I trust anyone who went to Camp Machane Yaakov and knows the kefira songs to deal with my situation. My name is Michael Steinberg, but since my name is Mee-cha-e-l everyone calls me Mickey the Machloikes Man."

However, when Dr Khaitman requested politely that Mickey follow him back into the main building where he would find the patient records and assign him to the proper specialist, he protested:

"Really, I want to join this K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin! It sounds right up my alley - sinas chinam and machloikes go hand in hand! I saw the sign from the window when I came in and I had to check it out!"

"Mickey, I would think you had realized by now that this congregation does NOT exist! Goldman, Schmoigerman or whatever his name is got himself committed here on a phoney diagnosis and uses it to commit federal entitlement program fraud on a massive scale! We can't stop him because of all kinds of civil rights laws that keep me from finding out in one split second that Schmoigerman is not a psychiatric patient. And even if I did that, the guy declared an independent republic here and got EU and UN recognition, so go figure. We're not even supposed to be here but Schmoigerman is away and no one will see us."

"But I want to meet the Admou"r. I am looking for someone who will appreciate my gadlus in Torah and my dedication to stopping the tide of kefira that is enveloping all who do not study my pop mussar, especially the Wiccans I teach it to for a few bucks!"

"Mickey, I think Dr Prasad Bakri Patel in the Outpatient Treatment and Analysis Department would like to have a few mussar sessions with you! One moment please while I call him!"

Dr Khaitman took out his cellphone and called the admitting clerk in Outpatient, herself a Russian immigrant. Translated from Russian, the conversation went something like this:

"Irina, listen, I have one I need Patel to take care of. He's actually trespassing and I can have security handle him, but he's one of ours and I think he really needs help!"

"Yevgeny Moiseevich, listen, Patel is busy; the crazy rabbi asked him to certify 100,000 outpatients and send the information to Medicare."

"Irina, that is called ILLEGAL ACTIVITY and I have only one more month here and I don't care if you, or he, or anyone else there gets caught on these rabbi scams. You want to do that kind of garbage (mussor), go right ahead and do it when I AM NOT AROUND because you work for ME right now and so does Patel! I want Michael Steinberg scheduled for outpatient consultation in FIVE minutes!"

"OK....."

Meanwhile, Steinberg heard the word mussor, which as alluded to before, is the Russian word for garbage.

"They learn mussar? They want to learn mussar with me????? I'll gladly show them how pop mussar has no problems with avoida zoro so long as they are against the kefira of Chassidus!"

"Mickey, you and they don't know Reb Yisroel Salanter zichroino levrocho from a hole in the wall! Irina's mother is not Jewish and Patel is a Hindu turned Sikh turned Creedmoorer because he's in on every scam that Schmoigerman ever cooked up!"

"Well, that's OK! My version of mussar has more to do with Budhuism than anything and so long as they are not Chassidim and acknowledge that I and my teacher, Alley Moronnos, are the leading masters of mussar today, I'll take them as students!"

Before Khaitman could start laughing, his phone rang:

"Yehuda, sholom aleichem" his rabbi greeted him: "Aleichem sholom" came the reply. After inquiring as to each other's welfare (not to be confused with welfare cheques, which neither one receives), Rabbi Mendy Eisenman continued: "Remember I asked you whether you saw who was coming in and stealing all the chassidus leaflets in shul erev Shabbos? Well, he is actually on his way to Creedmoor; he's a New Yorker originally and he was picked up doing the same thing in Flatbush! Mickey something...."

"Really! I've got him then! He's not committable but I am trying to get him over to outpatient; he was banging his head over in the Gonover Rebbe's chotzeir!!!!"

"Well, see if you can put him away or at least get him into treatment. He's a pathetic case; not dangerous but a real pest. He leaves all kinds of messages about Moronous Mussar conferences..."

"Yep, that's my man! Thanks! Zait gezunt - see you tonight at the farbrengen im irtze Hashem"!

With that, Mickey, who overheard the conversation, became quite indignant: "A koifer and an oived avoido zoro has no neemanus! You CANNOT take me for treatment! I am the only voice of true Judaism left on the planet and I have six true followers!"

"Mickey, well, it seems that somewhere in this bureaucratic mess is an order requesting your treatment, because trespass as you just committed yet again, combined with destruction of private property, are misdemeanors, and I'd be happy to ask Rabbi Mendy if I can call the cops and have you arrested..."

Mickey realized he was cornered, and followed the doctor to the outpatient clinic, where Dr Prasad Patel, wearing an aluminum Sikh turban that was said to be filled with EBT cards, awaited the duo:

"Prasad, get that tin foil off your head NOW! This is NOT crazy rabbi time. He's away and you just might also get sent away! This guy is suffering from delusions of grandeur and possible paranoid schizophrenia. And like you, he's a grade three pest! See what you can do! C-200 is empty if he needs to stay overnight!"

Dr Khaitman then returned to his office and left the mussar scholar with his equally authentic Sikh counterpart.....

To be continued on Nitel Nacht Beis (6 January 2008). This is based on the ramblings of a perennial pest and self appointed scholar on a well known Jewish forum.

Coming Up on (one or the other) Nitel Nacht - Mickey the Machloikes Man

BS"D

Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman, whose three year tenure as Interim Medical Director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Institute was about to end, rarely ventured into D-ward. He knew full well that he was powerless to correct the institutionalized corruption that had allowed the Admou"r to establish a fiefdom, nay, a veritable independent country, in the fetid abandoned buildings and exercise yards of the abandoned, closed, and forlorn ward.

But when Dr Khaitman heard the familiar sounds of a Camp Machane Yaakov song that he had learned to sing back when he was a new camper of 13 and had had his first Jewish experience since having arrived from Russia earlier that year, his curiosity got the better of him.

And when he heard a strange little fellow banging his head against the padded wall of D-3 Dayroom to the tune of the old camp song, he decided he had to meet this unfortunate soul.

Finally, when the doctor heard that the words being sung were not the originals but rather: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I create strife whenever I can", he wondered if the performer was an outpatient who had found out about the Admou"r and decided to join K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin because he was attracted to the name, not knowing that it was a front for gross welfare and entitlement program fraud as opposed to a congregation which really did preach strife and divisiveness between Jews.

To be continued on either 24 December or 6 January depending on community practices when Nitel coincides with Chanukah.

Ve ha'ir Creedmoor tzohalo vesomeicho...

BS"D

The Creedmoor Nation is here, and it is all of America.

Indeed, the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his real life followers, the dregs who, for social reasons, hang on to and infect the haimishe community while they have no connection with Torah values, and who indeed are suspected of committing offenses similar to the ones depicted here, are celebrating because they know that an Obama presidency means more opportunities to bilk the welfare system.

And Ahmadinejad, the Naye Homon, was fast to congratulate Obama on his victory.

So, Creedmoor ze kan, or kol ha'aretz Creedmoor.

But it is not necessarily a laughing matter, and America must right itself or accept a position far from its previous role as the leading nation of the world.

While Creedmoor will open from time to time, especially in Adar and during civil vacation time, most of my satire will now be directed at Obama and at the moral, social and ethical decay that allowed him to rise to his present position.

I want to welcome Creedmoor fans to Obamaberration.com.

While I intend to do my best to remain within the boundaries that are laid out for me by Torah, it will be a bit rougher than Creedmoor as it is not intended for a Jewish audience. Think of a Chassidish Rush Limbaugh or Bob Grant and you will have an idea of what I am up to; if it is too rough for some I fully understand, especially as I intend not to censor anything other than blatant vulgarity. Even Holocaust deniers will have their say, but in a special section where the rest of us can let off some steam by telling these morons exactly what they are.

So, check out Obamaberration.com if you dare. But if it is too rough and tumble for you, I understand; it is not a Jewish or Chassidic site and I can only get the message across by pushing the envelope a bit (and it's also the only way I can make the site pay for itself!)

If Obamabberation is not your speed, then there is http://lightwell.wordpress.com for more serious Chassidic thought.

Please Send Ahmadinejad A Letter

BS"D

As I wind down the Creedmoor Chassidus blog, it has come to my attention that Iran is soon to be without a Chief Rabbi and that unfortunately, everyone's first choice, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, was rejected as unfit for said post (perhaps because he is Ahmadinejad's Conservatively lawfully and gaily wedded spouse, or perhaps because he will soon be appointed to the leadership of the Shia mosque in Vienna that the Islamic Republic is about to establish in the Vienna sewer system thereby enabling Friedman to teach his version of whatever it is that he believes to his fellow sewer rats).

However, Iran need not despair as another candidate is ready, willing and able. He is Ephraim "Luftgesheftige Luftmensch" Luft, the great sage (rosemary and thyme) who is trying to institute a wide sweeping ban on music that would leave everyone listening to old 78 RPM records of Chazzan Yossele Rosenblatt.

Therefore, this desteemed Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas B'nei Taliban d'Chunyok - Kiryas Merkaz HaSharia is a perfect candidate for Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio is Not Even As Big as A Banana Republic of Iran. We urge all who follow in the flickering four watt bulb, now reduced to one watt because the Admou"r cannot exchange his food stamps for Lehman Brothers shares, of Chassidus Creedmoor to please copy and paste the following letter and send it to The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

-------------------------------begin here---------------------------------------------
The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Jendeholislam Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Kharkosdeh Administration Building
0-0 Teheran Iran.

Dear Jendeholislam Ahmadinejad:

As fellow travelers in your quest to remove the Zionist state from the map of time, we wish to bring to your attention an ideal candidate for the desteamed post of Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio Is Not Even as Big as a Banana Islamic Republic of Iran.

His name is Grand Rabbi Ephraim Luft, and he is noted for his ability to reconcile sharia law with Judaism especially when it comes to banning any form of remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment. However, as it seems that your lawfully Conservatively wedded spouse Imam Moshe Aryeh Friedman cannot be appointed to provide you with remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment of a type that is forbidden by Jewish law, we believe that Rabbi Luft is an equally worthy substitute.

Like Rabbi Friedman, Rabbi Luft is so ludicrous in his extremism as to be entertaining, and his attempt to remove perfectly acceptable Jewish albums from store shelves is as realistic and welcomed as the attempt by His Most Shamed and Dishonored Mr Ahmadinejad to remove the Zionist entity from the map.

In addition, Rabbi Luft, who is at present a resident of said entity which is about to be obliterated from the map, may be able to actually locate this benighted polity on a world map or even on a globe. In addition, he may be skilled enough to properly guide your most oxidized and nobly superannuated chain saw so that the befouled Jendeholslam Ahmadinejad does not amputate the one final digit that remains on his left hand after your many failed attempts to excise the entity from said map.

With wishes for success in your holy campaign to purify the map by excision of the Zionist entity, I remain,

(name on your most recent fraudulently obtained EBT or credit card here)

------------------------------end here---------------------------------------------

I do intend to finish the last post about the research grants fraud, perhaps after Shabbos ends my time (Zionist Entity time zone) and with that I will close Creedmoor until Purim unless events warrant its reopening.

ideas

pell grants, welfare students, full scholarships, tuition paid in food stamps, senators get a percentage to their campaign funds, schmoigerman dinners and endoresement for candidates.

Creedmoor U Becomes a Federal Research Institution - Part 1

"10,500,000 diversity points! Now I will definitely be promoted to Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Director of Frivolous and Wasteful Grants" exclaimed the most eminent product of Affirmative Action hiring policies, Ms Tossretta Wastehead.

Ms Wastehead, who pronounces her surname Wast'ed, is a native of Guam. Her father was born in Burkina Faso to Nigerian bank scammer parents who had decamped to Burkina Faso in order to be able to send out advance fee letters from a country other than Nigeria, whereas her mother was a Native Guamite of Antiguan origin, not to be confused with Natural Guano of Avian origin. Such a background, of course, counts for many preferential hiring points under the US Affirmative Action system. Therefore, our dear Ms Wastehead, a single mother, was very quickly promoted from her entry level position as a junior dishwasher in the Warren Harding Federal Building to her present post, which is designed to keep Affirmative Action hires out of the trouble that might result if they were given productive work with real deadlines.

At present, she is but the Third Deputy Assistant to the Second Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Depilatory Director of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America, a position that carries far less prestige and a lower G-scale, or as she called it, G-string, than her desired position. Since Mrs Wastehead was only three years from pension age, her goal is to retire at the highest possible pay level and to use her generous pension in order to take advantage of all sorts of minority contractor and promotion of incompetent business laws once she sets up shop as a certified financial laundering and sanitization contractor.

And the source of her joy and hope was a proposal issuing from Professor Rector Dean Rabbi Dr Dovid Schmoigerman, whose credentials included a Psy. D. from The Discount Online Degree Site, and his Second Concubine Princess Rabbanit Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerman, of the Alcatraz Island branch of the R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.

She could hardly read the fine print, boilerplate and other obfuscation that comprise the hallmark of any Federal grant proposal, but which are elevated to an art form by the Schmoigerman enterprises. All she could see was that the principal applicants were Chassidic Jews of Native American and Other Minority heritage who resided on a tribal reservation and had hitherto suffered from discrimination so intense that they could not obtain advanced degrees, thereby relegating them to life on food stamps, welfare, and other Federal and State entitlement programs. This was also the first application to issue from the newly chartered University, which had obtained its charter online in the same fashion that its principals had obtained their credentials.

And the best part of it was the astounding number of research subjects: Ninety-four trillion, with a margin of error of two per cent. Yes, 94,000,000,000,000 subjects would be participating in a study aimed at improving the lives of food stamp recipients by observing their purchasing habits.

Now, how could this be done? Very simply, by issuing two extra months' worth of food stamps to each participant so that the researchers could observe how each one used his, her or its benefits to purchase food over eight Friday afternoons. This would be in addition to the forty-three billion dollars requested by the research institute so that they could purchase a supercomputer strong enough to monitor and analyze the mountains of data that would result.

For this, there was need for special approval and sponsorship by 2 senators. Only members of the Donkey Party would do, as only they believe in printing extra money in order to fund public non-works projects and keep their voters happy and the economy depressed so that more people need the entitlement programs that they favor.

We do not want to risk libel laws by naming them, but suffice it to say that they are names well known to anyone who has been following the donkey side of the US Presidential Elections. One is the formerly favored female donkey, whereas the other is none other than the present minority donkey....

Weiss Release Countdown

17 more years of tshuva (2754 instead of 2737) for the great tzaddik but at least he is not being released on Yom Tov! What a zechus to be able to do tshuva for generations yet unborn - and now one more generation has been added! Yomim al y'mye mylech toisif - shnoisov kmoi doir vodoir!

Also, the Admou'r meCreedmoor spoke this past Shabbos of the great zechis which Reb Sholam'ke has to be incarcerated in Lewisburg, which means (in Creedmoorish) har ha-levi'im. Whether the Admou"r was referring to shevet Levi or the counterfeit Levi's ring he and Weiss used to operate together in Malaysia is unclear, as is anything having to do with the Admou"r and Reb Sholam'ke.

1.

SHOLAM WEISS

32610-054

54

White

M

11-23-2754

LEWISBURG USP

Preview...A Research Grant for Creedmoor U.

Ninety four trillion research subjects. That is what caught the eye of the members of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America. And with such a large cohort of research subjects, approval was quickly forthcoming, along with the requisite financing.

The title of the project......................Food Stamp Usage Patterns Among Patients Suffering From Multiple Personality Disorder.

The name of the research facility...........................R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.

The name of the research director........................Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, Psy. D.

Of course, Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, has a legitimate claim to the title Psy. D - if it indeed stands for Psychopathically Deluded. Alternately, Rabbi Schmoigerman can claim any title and requisite certificate so long as it can be granted in the same fashion by which the venerable Admou"r received his certificate of rabbinical ordination "gezel vemirma lemehadrin". After all, this legendary and unique level of ordination was attained through the painstaking process of sending thousands of proofs of purchase from breakfast cereal boxes to a mail drop in Rockland County, New York in time for the festival of Purim.

Yet, when dealing with any matters between the Federal Government and said Admou"r, it can safely be assumed that gross fraud is involved.

And in this case, the fraud was so blatant and on such a magnificent scale that only the eminently incompetent bureaucrats of the Department of Education of the United States of America could be too obtuse to detect it.....

(more coming soon)

A very special guest!

LS"D

With gretitute to der Islamischer Republik fin Iran, we iz prout to announce det we iz hevink a special guest at der lekture on Sunday!

Hiz nomen iz der hyliger:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
(husband of Moshe Aryeh Friedman fin Vienna)!

Reb Mahmoud gibt a special eddress on der topic fin "Usink Fotoshop far Makink Missiles Det Destroy der Tzioinishe Entity!"

Also Reb Mahmoud will be performink an a kappoore version of his hyliger niggin: "Imam ghoft een rezhim-e ishghalgar-e qods bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad" (Kokamamy sed der regime det okkupies Yerusholoyim gotta venish from der page of time)! [Bed news dis fit perfektly der niggin fin der koifer Mordkhe ben-Dovid "Iz Doch Mashma fin Rashi.."]

Don't miss dis lekture!

Annual Kamtza and Bar Kamtza Lecture

LS"D

Mit gretitude to der velfare syztem end sektzen acht, ve iz presentink dis year our ennuel Kamtza end Bar Kamtza Lekture Series:

Sunday 2 Menachem Av:

"What can we do to better ensure the destruction of the Medine?"

Speakerz iz:

Grandest Rebbe fin der Community far the Destruction fin der Zionist Entity in Hyligen Vien: Herr Oberrabiner Moishe Aryeh Friedmann (Imam Moussa Assad al-Faraj al-Majnoun).

Der mensch vus tit mehr far der destruction of der medine end puttink in denger der safety fin Yidden dorten den anyone else dese days:
The Recht Dishonorible Mr Ehud Olmert
Chief of Korruption Department in Prime Minister, Der Tzionishe Entity

Moderator:

Grand Rabbi of the Itbah al-Yahud Islamic Community/Ku Klux Karta of Monsey, Imam Moussa al-Dib Beck (Rabbi Moshe Ber Beck).

Herr Oberrabbiner Friedmann and Mr Olmert will diskuss what each of dem iz doink to make sure fin the destruction of the medine speedily end in inzere teg! You den decide fin der audience if Friedmann or Olmert iz bigger denger to der medine!

Couvert: 170 Food Shtempelach includez a Halal Lemehadrin meal catered by Hamas Caterink of Atlentik Evenue, Brooklyn. Blenk checks end Visa/Mesterkart/Americhkan Express numbers also aktzepted.

Location: Beis Medrash d'Creedmoor (D-ward Padded Dayroom)

Release Date for the Tzadik Hamoin Doirois Sholam Weiss has been Changed!

LS"D

Yes, the authorities have heard the plea of Sholam Weiss as publicized exclusively right here on this blog! He will be released on May 17 2737 from his new position as Rosh Federal Kollel Lewisburg:

SHOLAM WEISS

32610-054

54

White

M

05-17-2737

LEWISBURG USP

Which in turn comes out to:

Iyar 24, 6497

The tremendous zechus of the great tzadik hamoin hadoirois, who is enrolled in an intensive Federal tshuva yeshiva for only 729 more years, is such that his release date was indeed changed from Pesach. This also enables him to do intense tshuva for yet another month!

Moshe Aryeh Friedman: The Medical Mystery is Solved

A chance encounter with one of Moshe Aryeh Friedman's doctors revealed the following information:

"When Moshe was 15, we took him from Creedmoor to an orthopedic clinic to see if we could undo the damage to his growth plates that was caused by his spin in the washing machine as a baby. He was enrolled in a study in which equine (horse) growth hormone was supposed to be administered to him for several weeks. Instead, an extract made from equine posterior flesh was used. Or, in layman's terms, they took his medicine from the wrong end of the horse!"

This might explain why, as per the linked picture, Freeky Freedy has an outsized head and feet and a goofy, horse-like grin as well as being stooped (and stooooooooooooooooooooopid)!

And it certainly explains why Moshe Aryeh Friedman is ummm..der tuches fin a ferd, or in the Queen's English, a horse's arse!

Gimpel Fort Tzi der Welfare - A Creedmoorer Outwits the Bureaucracy

As it is long since time that these days turn into ymei mishte vesimcha, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the chassidim of the heiliger Rizhiner, who goofed off on 9 Av so that the Rizhiner asked that Hashem take back the day since his Chassidim did not know how to respect it.

So, here is a real transcript of what happened when Gimpel Wercberger, a Creedmoorer chossid and successful entrepreneur (in other words a scam artist, jewelry fence and who knows what else), successfully applied for welfare in New York City:

GW to his wife Byle Gnendel: "Byle, we must to look like schleppers! TAKE OFF DYNE WATCH, DI CHOLERYE, BEHYME DI BIST!!!"

Byle Gnendel: "DI IDIOT, CHOMOR DI!! You park der Lexus where der social-verker ken see it!

----He drives the car further away and locks his wife inside by setting the alarm!-----

GW: Is dis der velfare-offis!

Clerk (Mrs Salmonella Jones): Yeah, dis be da welfare! Come have a seat, man!

GW: OK. I got seven children end a vife. Mir darf eight seats!

Clerk: Yeah but you be alone wit your wife!

GW: Sorry iz nisht git myne English. I am meaning eight forms!

Clerk: No, you fills out one form for everyone!

GW: Git. Myne English is nisht git. Efsher you ken help me!

Clerk: Sure, man! Have a seat! What be yo'name?

GW: Myne nomen iz Gimpel Vertzberger.

Clerk: How you spell dat?

GW: Let'z see: G-I-M-P-E-L V-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R

Clerl; OK I got dat!

GW: OY, so sorry, I made a mistake. Nuch amol s'iz G-I-M-P-L-E W-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R. But dont trow away der first form! Nisht gut to waste paper! I take end use for skrep, OK.

Clerk: Sure, man! I got it again!

GW: End I make again a mistake! Detz in English but we spellz it in Ingarish. So Gimpel iz like it iz, end my lest name is W-E-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: No problem, man! Under da Aid to Families with Illiterate Heads of Households Act I gotta fill em all out for you!

GW: End remember not to vaste paper. Please to save it - and oy vey far vus I write berger mit an E. Make det W-E-R-C-B-U-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: OK you decide man!

GW: Yes, end I decide it darf zan W-I-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R! But don't trow de udders out OK!

Clerk: Nevuh, man! We's gotta save paper!

GW: Yoh end you got to help your poor klienten by lettink dem heve it from screp! OY! Eyn minoot! Myne nom on myne velfare darf zan azoy vi myne nomen on pessport, yah? Den it's George.

Clerk, writing a form for George Wircberger: Got dat, man!

GW: But you know, I vaz geboren geven in Argentina. So det'z not George like George Washinkton, dat's Jorge, like in Spenish J-O-R-G-E!

Clerk: Det'z kool yoo be a dubble minority! You be Hispanic and Chassidic! I getz 300 diversity points today end a raise!

GW: Gled I kud help you! But you know, I'z a triple becuz myne perents wuz born in Ingarn so probably myne nomen iz Gyorgi Jorge. Det'z lets make it Jorge first but pleze seve all da forms we waste OK! G-Y-O-R-G-I before Jorge OK!

Clerk: Yeah, man dat'z anuder few hundred diversity points!

GW (mumbling to himself in Yiddish): In ochet a bissel gelt fin mir far machen alle der epplikeshins! OK please we take all der forms end I sign OK!

Clerk: Dat be cool!

Gimpel signs the last form and miraculously fills out the rest of the necessary information in English. He walks a few blocks to his Lexus and his screaming Yachne of a wife, and takes the incorrect forms home so he can fill them out with addresses corresponding to his place of business and a few of his slum buildings.

He returns to the office:

GW: Listen, you do far mir such a git job, I bring you a few forms det I learned from you how to fill out far myne chaveirim! Tzvie hinnert tolar and a Kvizinart iz genig to make sure dey get da checks fest?

Salmonella Jones: Hey, man, you Jews be real cool! You gonna gimme two C-notes and a food processor! Dat be so nice!

Gimpel brings in a stolen food processor and 2 counterfeit C-notes. Jones complains to her supervisor that a part is missing from the Cuisinart and she is summarily dismissed.

Nevertheless, a few weeks later, an EBT card arrives at each address, each one in a different variant of the name Gimpel Wercberger and each one bearing his photo!

Creedmoor 10: Federal bureaucracy 0!

Controversial Rabbi Calls 311 and Saves Himself from Prosecution Again!

Bronx NY (Bubbamyses Press Agency):

Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.

Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.

At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:

311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).

Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.

311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.

Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!

311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's office...do you need an interpreter?

Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!

(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?

Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!

The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:

"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.

Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.

While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."

Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.