Saturday, July 30, 2005
Rabbi Yukel Shpritzvasser of Aluvas Yishmoel d'Backwater Shil Shul announces the opening of a new site for teenagers who wish to discuss and exacerbate their problems with hashkafah, parents, school, camp etc as well as to develop even more complexes:
Opening 33 Tammuz 5765 ha'bo olynee ke'klaloh
Rabbi Shpritzvasser will now present his site, in his own words:
"In my work at Aluvas Yishmoel, the Stinking Creek Shul of Creedmoor, I meet many teens who have questions that they just cannot answer without thinking. But most teens do not know how to think; they need to be taught to think in the Creedmoorer Derech, which was handed down to Moishe Ferdganver at Mount Sinai Hospital psych ward and is therefore Toyre meSinai, from which we cannot deviate statistically or sexually or in any other way.
My site is intended for teens who cannot think for themselves, and who need someone who really cannot think straight in order to think for them. I do not want to encourage creativity or debate. Sure, there are 70 ponim latoirah, but with the exception of mine - Creedmoorer derech - they are all tuchesdike ponimlach. So, I want to make sure that teens, and especially teen girls who are really vulnerable, do not ever stray from our derech. That is why I will censor any and all views that do not agree with mine, and when no one supports me, I will log in myself as Rivki, or Chani, or Raizy, and post my own deos under another name. Now, teenagers will see that being Creedmoor is cool - Creedmoor is the best way to keep teenagers from leaving Yiddishkeit because once a teenager sees that her peers are moving toward Creedmoor, she will follow them like sheep. Never mind that inzere nashim tzidkoniis are called Izevel, Tzoiah, Yenta, Machla, Zaineh - I log in using Zionist girls' names so as to confuse the Yetzer Horo.
Also, I hope to make some money doing shidduchim - for every shidduch I make on the site, I will sign both the chosson and kallah up for SSI and Section 8 and have the cheques sent to me. This is the beauty of the Creedmoorer derech - chesed shel gnyveh.
Finally, I want to invite all teens and all with IQ's in the teen range to my shul, which overlooks the beautiful sewage disposal creek in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. We will be having Shabbatonim and other entertainment every Friday night."
Thank you, Rabbi Schpritzvasser. Also, we understand that you have quite a yichis to be proud of. Can you tell us about your hyliger ancestors?
"Certainly. My great uncle was Rabbynee Zimri Krechtzman, the man who was known as "the shaliach of the Yetzer Horo in Bangkok" for all that he did there when he ran a heroin trading operation in Thailand. My grandfather is Rabbi Shlemiel Brechschafter, the Tzaddik fin Chelm, who resides in a padded cell somewhere in the Zionist entity because of his views. I learned with both of them, and am especially influenced by my great-uncle, who used to call me every day from Bangkok to make sure I was doing enough avyrois..."