Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Welcome to the Website of the Creedmoorer "Kehillos"

Welcome to the official website of the Creedmoorer Kehillos - K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and K'hal Anshei (and I use the term very loosely!) Domim v'Mirmo d'Creedmoor. Both communities are under the leadership of Addledaynee, Moronaynee veRabidaynee "Reb Dovid'l Creedmoorer," the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and are located in the bowels of D-ward, a group of abandoned buildings on the premises of the ever shrinking Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in Queens N.Y.

Needless to say, this site is based on satire and parody of some problems which unfortunately do exist in some or all frum communities. Basically, the ideology of Creedmoor is similar to that of today's rump Neturei Karta, the spiritual (nursing) home of gedoilim (the type which are best removed with Sano-bon, Lysol or Toilet Duck) such as Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Beck (Dreck) and Moishe Aryeh Friedman (Friedbrain). These names, as well as the name Sholam Weiss (a former Chossid who is now serving about 800 years in prison for fraud) are the only actual names which will appear in this blog; otherwise, it will deal strictly with the Creedmoor Chassidim themselves.

Creedmoor is NOT a parody of Satmar or any other legitimate Jewish community. It does draw inspiration from the present Neturei Karta as described above, but it is a parody only of those in any community who act according to the Creedmoorer derech - sinos chinom, machloikes, fanaticism, dishonesty and ignorance. If you read this and recognise anyone you know, do not complain to me. Instead, see to it that this person reads this blog as well so as to see how ludicrous his conduct really is.

The Va'ad haOilami d'Chassidei Creedmoor includes the following:

Yankev Ferdganver: presently sentenced to 976 years in "Federal Kollel" for various crimes including being overly machmir on biur chometz in his warehouse. Former Nosi of the Va'ad; now a sort of "demeritus" Nosi as he does not reside in Creedmoor.

Koirach Ferdganver: Brother of the above; also guilty of a large Lag b'Oimer fire in his textile enterprise, but was judged insane as he was wearing nothing but a small Israeli flag as a figleaf when he committed his crimes.

Yosef Kesef Nishtazoygutnick: Probably does not exist, but receives Section 8, SSI and other subsidies. Probably a virtual personality invented by the Admou"r as revenge against a certain formerly wealthy Australian entrepreneur who did not wish to fund Creedmoorer moisdos.

Benzaine Stalewater: Does not exist at all; also receives all possible government aid which is then signed over to the Admou"r. Here the reference is to a highly respected London property magnate who most definitely refused to contribute to the Creedmoorer cause.

Haham Rahamim Loyashar: Head of "Frenkel Shul," which is the Admou"r's derogatory term for the Sefardic minyan that meets in the basement of the Creedmoorer beis medrash. Receives contributions from Jackie Dweck, owner of a Harlem children's shop called "Dweck for Kids." The signator on the "Dweck" account is none other than Mrs Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Creedmoorer, the Rebbetzin of Creedmoor. Again, this points to a virtual personality invented for the purpose of receiving government aid.

Mendel Klaynsmekel a/k/a Morton Small: Recent committment to Creedmoor came about as a a result of the infamous Maspeth Lag b'Oimer Bonfire - more about this will be posted shortly (and is available in the archives). Sadly, Mendel exists; if one visits the Admou"r, he will also notice a small, thin man dressed in a tinfoil tish bekesher and cotton wool shtreimel, no matter the weather. This is Reb Mendel Klaynsmekel in all his glory.

Lipman Schmaltzherring: Proprietor of Chaim's Hymish Talking Fish Store as well as the Chazzan of the Creedmoorer Shul. Chaim's Hymish is located in "Kiryas Naye Creedmoor," a field of abandoned outhouses just outside D-ward. Lipman Schmaltzherring bears no resemblance whatsoever to a certain entertainer from Rockland County, NY. However, he does plagiarise said entertainer's music and lyrics (as well as those of Mordechai ben David and Avraham Fried) to create shvache shvachois regarding the arba misois beis din, welfare fraud, arson, extreme anti-Zionism and the phrase "Shygetz Aroys," which is a segula for Creedmoorer chassidim. Lipman probably does not exist either, but due to the extremely limited appeal of his performances and mp3's, he most certainly does receive SSI, social security, medicare, section 8 and disability payments. The stock at Chaim's Hymish seems to consist of one "Billy Bass" with a garbled Yiddish chip that shouts "Shygetz Aroys."

Those of the above who may actually exist make up the governing body of the Creedmoorer kehillos. All other kehilla members exist only on the rolls of various NYC, NYS and federal assistance programs.


Anonymous said...

I commend you. I never read your original posts on - they weren't my type. But you've settled nicely - very nicely - into your style here and I shall hereby "favoritize" you. Keep it clean (as clean as it gets in Creedmoor, I guess) and I shall stop by often.

Btw - I must mention how much I absolutely love the term you coined: "Drecque." Beautiful.

Chasid said...

Welcome to Jewish Blog world

Chai18 said...

great blog