Friday, July 15, 2005

Y'may Creedmoor - Creedmoor Yomim Noroim - part 1

Creedmoor does not use the Zionist calendar. Therefore, all Creedmoorer Yomim Noroim and Y'may Skilo are calculated according to the Calendar of the Shkootzim Ken Yirbi.

The most important Creedmoorer festival is the Yahrtzeit - the day on which the Admou"r was committed to Creedmoor to begin his rebbeschaft (as in schafting every government agency out there.) This coincides with Labor Day; the story of the Yahrtzeit is as follows:

Rabbi Dovid'l Creedmoor was not a US citizen when he was committed to Creedmoor. He was sent there by a sympathetic Hungarian Chassidic couple, whom we will call the Grunwalds, as a relative of theirs from the Zionist entity had realised that this wannabe ba'al tshuva from the Yukon Territory was non compos mentis [he claimed to be a Breslover, and he performed hisboidedus by running around Yerushalaim yelling "Shygetz Aroys" and "Down With Zionism (well, down with began with an F), while wearing a tinfoil hat and boxer shorts that were 3 sizes too big for his scrawny frame.] However, the director of Creedmoor could not admit him without a committment order, so that all that could be done was to sneak Dovid'l into Creedmoor's abandoned D-ward on a legal holiday - which was Labor Day.

The Yahrtzeit is a full Yom Nora - no work is done, welfare cheques etc are not cashed, and medication is not taken. The Admou"r often reveals himself in full splendor while fiering tush, as his Yahrtzeit bekesher consists of a garbage bag worn as a sheath around his chest and legs, with tinfoil covering his arms. The bag slips down during the recitation of Shygetz Aroys, and the kahal shouts: Yechi Halemach Hamasriach! It is a Creedmoorer minhag not to bathe from August 1 to the Yahrtzeit and for 10 days afterward; the smells of the tush are just exquisite.

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