2 shylas and the Creedmoorer' s psak:
1) Do we need to toivel tinfoil if we are going to wear it as opposed to using it for cooking?
Answer: YES. Chances are that the tinfoil was handled by someone who is affected at least by avak avi avos hatumos - and that is Zionism! For example, the supermarket owner could be supporting a Zionist charity, as could the distributor. In addition, we hold that the world press is controlled by Zionists. Certainly, the tinfoil was handled by someone who read a paper, listened to radio or watched TV (even at Creedmoor Super Mehadrin Mart, we cannot guarantee that this is the case as we do not yet have mateches yisroel tin foil. We hold that even the Satmar CRC are Zionists and we cannot yet find a suitable supplier). Therefore, all tinfoil is affected with tumas haTzioinus and must be toiveled in the kiddie pool in the former occupational therapy room in D-ward, which is the only Creedmoor certified mikveh. All tinfoil boxes must be burned, preferably al-pi minhag Creedmoor, which means in a well insured place of business that is saturated with solvents sold under the Creedmoorer hechsher.
2) What is your position on Rubashkin meat?
Answer: OSSUR, OSSUR, OSSUR! Rubashkin is an old Russian word for a shirtmaker or blousemaker. We do NOT wear such clothing as it is chukos hagoyim. We wear only garbage bags, tinfoil, and felt dunce caps (Creedmoorer shtreimlach). The Rubashkin family is therefore affected by the sins of their ancestors, and all of their products are TREYF. We accept only PURDUE chicken as it sounds similar to the French word PERDU, meaning lost. As we hold that the derech of Avraham Avinu is lost, we eat this meat as a statement that today's kashrus is in essence tarfus, and since no Creedmoorer is allowed near a sharp object, we eat certified treyf only.
NB: As soon as the Admou"r issued these piskei din, he was sent to electroshock therapy. See my next post for his post EST drash.
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