Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Y'may Creedmoor - Creedmoorer Yomim Noroim - part 3

The only day which Creedmoorers mark according to the Zionist calendar is Tisha b'Av. While most of the rest of the Jewish world awaits Moshiach so that they can feast on this day, the Admou"r celebrates this date as Yoim Golus - the day on which Golus began and therefore the antithesis of Zionism.

To commemorate the destruction of the Zionist Beis Hamikdash, pigs are brought to the courtyard of the Kiryas Naye Creedmoor shul and slaughtered in ways that are best not described so that more sensitive readers will not be discomforted. All pigs would be chayavei skila as well for certain reasons having to do with gilui arayos (the Admou"r paskens that gilui arayos pertains only to lions - once again - Creedmoor does NOT adhere to Zionist spelling rules).

The Creedmoorer Tisha b'Av celebration is often attended by Messrs. Beck (Dreck), Weiss and Friedbrain of Neturei Creedmoor; all are qualified shochtei chozzerim as well as qualifying as chozzerim in general and therefore carry out the slaughter of the pigs in the shul yard.


PeaceAndCarrots said...

How do I join the Chasidus. I've been called der shaygetz almost my entire life burech hashem

Der Shygetz said...

1) You must undertake to commit 613 aveirois every day!

2) You must show proof that you receive at least ten fraudulent subsidies and/or proof that you have received illegal insurance settlements. Proof of having learned in State or Federal Kollel is also accepted.

3) You must wear Rashi tefillin on your right leg, and Rabbeinu Tam on your left leg.

4) You must parade down 13th Avenue riding a Harley and shouting Shygetz Aroys.

Proof of above and a cheque for 18000 tolar must then be submitted to the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Within a month's time you will be notified as to your acceptance into the Creedmoorer kehilla. When accepted, you will receive three names, all of which will be used to apply for welfare etc.