The Creedmoor Book - Prologue

(This will be moved to a separate blog but for now I do not have time to set one up and promote it, so enjoy Chapter 1 here).

It was the day before Shushan Purim in Yerushalayim. And for one Persian Jew named Mordechai, it was a day for reflection rather than for preparing to celebrate. For that Jew, Dr Mordechai Kohentzedek, was approaching his 97th birthday, and he could never be sure that this would not be his last Purim.

So the retired neurologist walked slowly along the streets near his beloved Machaneh Yehuda market, where he enjoyed chatting in Farsi with some of the veteran vendors, as they traded stories of their native land and asked him for medical advice. Some even remembered the name Manouchehr Kohentzedek from the idyllic days of the last Shah, when the good doctor, the son of a wealthy merchant whose father sent him to England to study medicine, was renowned as the best doctor in all of Teheran, and was said to be the doctor whom the Shah trusted for his own family. But in 1977, Dr Kohentzedek and his wife Shireen (Shulamit) had seen the handwriting on the wall, and like the handwriting on another wall in Persia many years hence, they knew their days were numbered if they stayed in Iran. And despite their advanced age and lack of children, the doctor and his architect wife were still strong and alert when the Islamic Republic was born, so they boarded a jet liner to Canada while they still could, having fortunately transfered their substantial assets to Switzerland and Israel over the months before their departure.

And in Canada, Dr Kohentzedek settled down to work at a major hospital attached to the University of Manitoba, where he could enjoy seeing patients as he did every day in Iran, from dawn to dusk. He barely even remembered to cash his provincial health system paycheck, and when he did, it often went straight to help those less fortunate than he.

For in leaving Iran, he had found Torah, and that is what led him to examine a young, not particularly earnest baal tshuva by the name of Dovid Goldman. Even now that he was retired and living in Israel, and no longer officially practicing medicine, he could not get Dovid out of his mind.

It was to this Dovid Goldman that his thoughts were turning this chilly morning in Adar as he walked the stalls of Machaneh Yehuda, looking for Fairouz, and Babak...no, Baruch, his stall was Beit Yosef now and it was the only place the doctor himself ever bought any food...and Behrouz, who he remembered from the bazaar in Teheran.

"Was I right to have Dovid committed to that Creedmoor place in New York? Was he really mentally incompetent? Or was he the biggest scam artist to ever surface in Winnipeg?"

Suddenly, his reveries were interrupted by a familiar face. "Excuse me, is your name Weinberg by any chance? Is your father a doctor named Michael, and your mother also a doctor, I think her name was Chana but sometimes they called her Annette - she was from Beirut or somewhere like that?" This was the question that the ancient little wraith of a man, whose voice and mind were far less worn than his fragile cane-supported body, posed to a strong young man with dark features who was shopping for nuts and cake at the stall of Rahamim, another confidante of the doctor from his Teheran days. "You look so familiar - you must be their son...can you call your father please and tell him that Mordechai Kohentzedek from Winnipeg is here?"

"Yes - my name is Avi Weinberg and my parents are Michael and Chana - we came here last year - my father retired and is opening a clinic here! Sure, I will call - how did you know my father?"

"He was the medical director of Creedmoor, and we were in touch because I sent him a patient who was referred to me by Haham Kalman, my rabbi - he was a US citizen, this poor boy, and he needed to be committed, this Dovid!"

"Dovid Goldman? My father used to tell us stories about him! I know it is Purim - but when my father tells you what happened to him in Creedmoor, it is true."

Avi called his father, and quickly passed the Nokia mobile to his old acquaintance:

"Michael, do you remember me? Mordy Kohentzedek, you used to call me Mottel Katz all the time - I sent Dovid'l over to Creedmoor 25 years ago!"

"Baruch...mechoye hameysim...Baruch, mehaye hameytim!" - the two retired physicians made the customary blessing that one makes when reunited with separated acquaintances, and then Dr Weinberg answered: "How can I forget! Dovid was the true American success story - came in as an inmate and ended up buying the place! He was so much fun over the years, even if he costs the government the same as 6 months of military aid to Israel! Now, you must come to me in Har Nof - Avi will take you home with him! You must spend Purin with us tomorrow - stay over tonight - we have plenty of room!" And Dr Kohentzedek asked Avi to help him pick up no less than a case each of arak and Chivas Regal from the wine shop in Machaneh Yehuda - it would be a very happy Purim indeed at the Weinberg residence, transplanted this very year from Woodmere to Har Nof.

Many miles away in a suburban development outside of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, Rabbi Kalman Berkowitz had finished davening Shacharis and was opening his mail. In it were, baruch Hashem, two cheques. One was accompanied by a letter in a handwriting that was so Middle Eastern that if the rabbi had not been receiving letters like this for 29 years, he would have called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to report possible terrorism. The note explained that as the donor was getting older and had no heirs, he wanted to advance a substantial part of his estate to the Winnipeg House of Tradition at this time. The cheque, certified by Israel Discount Bank on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem, was for a fine sum of six figure size. The letter promised four more such cheques over the year, and noted that a third of its payor's estate was left to the synagogue.

But before the rabbi even had a chance to call his donor in Yerushalayim, he nearly fell off his chair and risked severe injury to his back, which he had injured many years before, as a soldier in the Israeli Army reserves before he was called upon to become a soldier in his Rebbe's Army in Winnipeg. That was because the second cheque was drawn on "The National and International Reserve Bank of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor" and was made out for the sum of 8,387,987,423,005 food stamps!

"Malky! Come see these! Boruch Hashem, we are finally set! We can finally begin building the new shul! And what's more, I will have the greatest Purim story of ANY House of Tradition rabbi ANYWHERE - just LOOK at this second cheque! Just in time for the seuda tonight - but I better not have done anything to my back when I fell off the chair or I'll have to take medicine instead of drink!"

"OY! Goldman - or is it Schmoigerman now - has really outdone himself! He just used to send forged food stamps - remember that!" Mrs Malky Berkowitz could barely restrain tears of laughter when she saw the bank document. And her joy was even more marked when she saw the letter and cheque from Dr Mordechai Kohentzedek in Yerushalayim.

An Uncut Interview with Lipa Schmelczer..

Here it is - the uncut interview with Lipa Schmelczer :).
Conducted by Reb Moishe Schtussschreiber of Talbieh, Yerushalayim:

RMS: Lipa, can you tell us a little about the school you went to?

Lipa: Ich hob gelernt in reform school.

RMS: A Reform day school chalila?

Lipa: No, a school for boys who do schlechter maaises.

RMS: OH, OK, please watch your language. R--orm is a bad word that we do not use in this family publication. Besser you should call it State Mesivto.

Lipa: No, not state mesivto. S'iz geven state Yeshiva Ketono!

RMS: How old were you when you were sent there?

Lipa: Tzen.

RMS: What did you do?

Lipa: Ich hob geganvet my father's a car and I drive it straight into the school buildink because mayn teacher says by mayn father det ich bin a hopeless fool.

RMS: Hmmm...and you did everything possible to prove he was right?

Lipa: Yoh.

RMS: What was your first job?

Lipa: Job? I was and am a very matzliachdike businessman.

RMS: Zug eppes

Lipa: Sure. When I was 13 I got thrown out from the state Yeshiva Ketono and den I mach how do you say, a gute gescheft..

RMS: In your case, I would say a major scam...

Lipa: Vus ment a skem?

RMS: Doing things bemirmo - cheating people - the way you muscled "Asher Yotzor" onto the record store shelves after Sano paid you millions to record it for Israeli radio....

Lipa: Well, enyway, I mach a deal mitten tznius patrol. Everyone I turn in, I gets a 20 dollar gift. So I gye tzi girls and I cut skirts, how do you say it, I mach a slit?

RMS: Yes, a slit is a cut in a skirt. Don't confuse it with that other word that people use to describe your "Lipa and Britney Live" album.

Lipa: So enyvey, I mach a slit in all the skirts far'n mydlach when they nisht at home end even I get my sister she should go up to the mydlach and cut their skirts.

RMS: How old was your sister?

Lipa: Det would have been my youngest shvester, Cholerye. She was maybe 4 - how I should know - every year my mother mach another kind she should get nuch a check far'n welfare....

RMS: So what happened?

Lipa: The mydlach would walk around in skirts mitten 3 slits - one in back, one in side, one in ander side..

RMS: And you would get 20 dollars for every one you turned in?

Lipa: Yoh. We did it in gantz Monsey and den oichet in Williamsburk.

RMS: And how did it all end?

Lipa: I got greedy and did it to myne own shvester! Det was Yachne - she is elter far mir end she is married to a koilel yungerman...

RMS: State or Federal?

Lipa: From both she gets checks while he sits end learns - learns how to trade stocks mitout gelt, learns how to get payments far'n insurance far bildinks he owns nisht...

RMS: A fine man! Anyway, what happened with teh patrol and Yachne?

Lipa: I mach a slit in her skirt. Mayn mame, she should rot and be well, she sees it and she freg by Yachne what goes on. Yachne she tell "Lipa hot getin dos." Mame looks et her skirts in de zelber zach. She call tzi myne aunt and myne aunt say her tochter have azoy a skirt and some yingele go to her and make her pay 30 tollar he shouldn't tell the mishmeres hatznius end he does it anyway...

RMS: And that was you?

Lipa: Of course!

RMS: So what did you do with the gelt?

Lipa: I make a songs elbum called "A Pachad A Shrek, Lipa Sings Mamesh Dreck" end I muscle it into all der stores - I say you take dis or I go tell the malchis you don't pay no taxes end den I burn down to your store and I get der insurance and nisht dir!

RMS: And how many copies did you sell?

Lipa: Sell oder deliver?

RMS: Sell - to real customers..

Lipa: 2 maybe - maybe Segal got one too for free det make 3. But tzi dem stores I sold 200,000 for kesh - 10 tolar an elbum - you figure det one out...

RMS: Sounds like a gitte gescheft...

Lipa: Sure. And now I make der Asher Yotzor single. Ich vais nisht who is Sano but der name sounds git. So I make the album and ich zug tzu Sano - look, I play dis one and no one buys your garbage. Eppes you pay me a hinnert tousent tolar det's it - I berry der song...

RMS: Did they?

Lipa: Nyn. I go den and I do my usual - I play it all over Old Squaresville end everyone laughs. So I go do mine anderer shtick end get it into the bookstores end der music shops...

RMS: So, what is your next project?

Lipa: I think I mach a naye elbum called K-Lipa - you know, like klipa - end I make songs mit bed words. Dis one I play for der rabbonim, dey put it in chyrem -and everyone wants to buy it! Dis time I'll get myne gelt end not have to make no gescheft because once der elbum is in chyrem allemen want 2 copies. Dis one I use bed words in Aynglish too so der shkootzim ken understend - now I make my gescheft again but mit Tower Records end Like a Virgin Superstore.....

RMS: It was a real pleasure to speak to you. You are a real role model for our youth as well as a truly talented performer. With your talent you should go far - how far is it from New Square to Leavenworth...

Look out for the Creedmoorer Book!

Due to the launch of Frumspace, I have less and less time to keep this blog going. However, do not fear:

1) There will be occasional audio Creedmoor skits starting Monday on Frumspace Radio, temporarily housed at http://yosstek.com/fsradio/ and now featuring the best mix of Jewish music available on the Net.

2) There are constant Creedmoor posts on http://www.frumspace.com/forums

3) Look out for a sister blog - The Creedmoorer Book - the definitive life and times of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, rosh verishoina lekol dovor shebegezel vemirmo, bishas hador veklimasoi! IYH (im yikne hashish) this will start within the next couple of days with a new chapter coming every 2 or 3 weeks.

4) I am not closing the blog by any means and hope to update it every couple of weeks.

We apologize for some factual errors

Apparently, the infamous Moshe Aryeh Friedman managed to deceive our trained staff of researchers, and therefore we regret we printed our interview without further research.

Indeed, we have found the following errors:

1) Erev Rov Friedman's biological father is not in prison. He is alive and well in Kosovo, where he sells spent ammunition shells and defective warheads to any and all factions. Instead of a summons to the Hague, Mr Gabel Mutgabelaj has received an invitation to the Pasteur Institute in France, where they are presently researching nerve function in severely mentally challenged subjects.

2) Friedman was not kept alive with three nine volt batteries and a bell transformer. He was in fact kept alive with one non-alkaline AAA cell and a toy car motor, which was implanted inside his skull. He of course claims it is a radio receiver with which he receives instructions from his handlers in Gaza and Austria.

3) Friedman's adoptive father was actually the rosh yeshiva whom he called Feherszar and whose real name is Yankel Friedman. Feherszar is what he was called in the mikveh. Rabbi Friedman's first wife passed away riddled with guilt for insisting upon adopting Moshe Aryeh; his second wife is best described as a tzadekes who still brings a saucer of milk and a small dish of galereta (Moshe Arye is a shoiteh and is not obligated to separate basar vecholov) to her husband's undersized adoptive son.

4) Moshe Arye Friedman and his partner in crime Moshe Hirsch also blame the Armenian massacre on the proclamation of the Zionist entity. Never mind that the massacre took place 30 years before 1948.

Based upon the above, Erev Rov Friedman meets the high standard set by Der Shygetz for journalistic ethics. Therefore, we have asked Erev Rov Friedman to write an occasional news analysis piece here. He will soon oblige.

Nuch A Creedmoorer Auction!

You want eppes a Pulsa Denura on your enemy?

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6029158764 - starting at just one cent!

Der Shygetz introduces Der Goy

Der Shygetz, the official newspaper of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin, is proud to introduce a new glossy monthly - Der Goy.

Subscribe to Der Goy to find out just who in your community was beaten up by the Tznius Patrol and why. Learn about your favorite Jewish music performer's latest hot girlfriend! Follow the latest machloikes in every community from Argentina to Zaire!

And we also include our Supplement for Women - Der Cholerye. Only Der Cholerye offers tips on how to enjoy yourself the old fashioned way when you are a niddah - after all you don't really believe that your husband is at a late night shiur 2 weeks out of every month! And this month we present a special article for shviggers - How to Detect Poison in Shabbos Cholent!

So, accept no substitutes! Subscribe to Der Goy now by posting your credit card number in the Comments section so every Nigerian Cialis salesman can use it and remit a commission to me! Your chelek in oilam haba is guaranteed to disappear every time you so much as open an issue of Der Goy!

Creedmoor Returns Tomorrow

As fast days are considered particularly auspicious times in Creedmoor, we will resume activity tomorrow 10 Teves, as we have finally obtained the red schmaltzherrink of a prospectus from the Creedmoor Widows and Orphans Retirement Annuity Fund.

Der Shygetz interviews an emmesdige Shygetz!

Background: http://www.zionism-israel.com/True_Torah_Nazis.htm

Yes, I, Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, editor and publisher of the Asher Yotzor Zhournal a/k/a Der Shygetz, has had the dubious and unsalutary privilege of interviewing the one and only Moishe Aryeh Friedman. Yes, the very same arva d'rabbonon who sees it fit to invite neo-Nazis to his son's bar mitzvah (I mean, who else would come anyway), while he supports the destruction and murder of Jews at the hands of Arab tzoirerim.

Most importantly, as you will see in this interview, I have unlocked the secret of his very well deserved inferiority complex, that causes him to look up to unrepentant Jew haters from Europe and Arabia alike. (Of course, any resemblance between the pathetic little excuse for a man whom I interviewed in Creedmoor and the ridiculously pathetic minuscule excuse for a man who lives, if you call that living, in Monsey, is purely unintentional - but I won't mince words - the real article is too sad to be funny and is just a plain schvantz, whereas the character I met in Creedmoor at least can laugh at himself.)

DS: Very nice to meet you, Rabbi Fryedkopf.

RMAF: That is Friedman, you dirty Zionist sone Yisroel.

DS: OK - I will call you Erev Rov Friedman then

RMAF: That is fine - most of the time I only leave the house after dark because I do not dare show my face when it is light out - a man of my stature, you know...

DS: I understand that you are short on stature and brainpower, to say nothing of aidelkeit, because of the odd circumstances of your birth....

RMAF: Yes, this is true. My story begins with a violent little Albanian drug dealer and all around scoundrel named Gabel Mutgabelaj and his wife, Satjia...

DS: You mean your birth parents are not Jewish?

ERMAF: My mother's mother was a Jew from Dubrovnik or Skopje. At least that is what Onan Child and Family Services told my adoptive parents. But to be sure, I had hatafas dam bris with a blunt kitchen knife - since the rov was not too sure what had to be done, nor could he understand why my adoptive parents, whose memory I shame every day, wanted me around, he suggested this compromise.

DS: And why were you put up for adoption?

ERMAF: As I said, my biological father was a violent little drug dealing shtick garbage. According to what I was told, he pushed my mother AH down three flights of stairs, causing irreversible brain damage and resulting in a miscarriage...

DS: A miscarriage? You were born as the result of a miscarriage?

ERMAF: Yes. My father was a miserable little sadist and he found some doctor who must have studied at Mengele Medical College....

DS: WHAT? This is more fantastically sick than anything I can come up with!

ERMAF: Well, that is why you have the zechus of printing it. In any case, the doctor, whose name is protected because he is in the Federal Witness Protection Plan for turning my father into the authorities, set up some sort of apparatus with a bell transformer, a few 9 volt batteries, and some copper wire...

DS: Get out of here! Or as I understand you were known for saying during your short lived yeshiva career, SHYGETZ AROSS!

ERMAF: Listen, I have the medical records to prove it. My rosh yeshiva showed them to me when he threw me out of United Talmudical Academy into the cold, unforgiving Monsey streets...

DS: So I guess that because of your experience of being thrown out of yeshiva, you hate your fellow Jews and want to see them destroyed by your Austrian and Arab buddies?

ERMAF: No, it is just that I hate myself so much for being born. The one I really want to kill is my father, but he is in protective custody. He is only about the size of your average 12 year old...
DS: So he is a head taller than you are?

ERMAF: Yes. And that is why I am attracted to powerful men, like Hamas terrorists and Austrian neo-Nazis..

DS: Did you also invite some Hamas guys to your son's Bar Mitzvah?

ERMAF: No. After 9-11, you try getting on a plane with a name like Jihad Nidal ibn Itbach al-Yahud and your picture in every Israeli post office...

DS: So you had to make do with some miserable lowlife neo-Nazi ymach shmoi? Did he at least enjoy the party?

ERMAF: Of course. But we did not let him pull off the stunt he wanted to pull - namely releasing some gas into the hall....

DS: You are sicker than I thought.

ERMAF: Look, I had a very troubled childhood. I will let you in on a secret. My name is not even Friedman. I was adopted by a well known rebbeish family, and they had enough of me. Meanwhile, my rebbi in mesivta, the vantz who threw me out, Rabbi Yankev Feherszar, used to say; Moishe Aryeh, at the rate you are going, on the electric chair you will end up; you will get fried, man!

DS: So you took the name Friedman?

ERMAF: Not exactly. My adoptive parents asked Feherszar to take me to the Social Security office. Feherszar speaks English worse than I do (note, all responses have been translated from Gibberish to English by Mrs Yachne Farblungetberger of the Der Shygetz editorial staff), and all the time I was misbehaving in the office. So the whole time he tells me: You are going to get fried, man. And of course the idiot can't fill out any form unless it's for welfare or Section 8 - then all from a sudden he knows English, so for my name he puts Moishe Aryeh Is Going to Get Fried, Man.

DS: Umm..I know what Feherszar means....

ERMAF: Zeyr gut! Hungarian I also learned in the mikve toilets, if you know what I mean. Anyway his name was Jakob Feher on his passport - I stole it from him on the day he was supposed to fly to the Zionist entity for his levaya....

DS: For his LEVAYA?

ERMAF: Yeah. He gave a get by his first wife for about 50 thousand dollars and a Cadillac, and if you saw the cholerye he married the second time, you would know why I called it a levaya...

DS: Who do you think you are? The Creedmoor Chronicler? You could be the haimishe Jackie Mason!

ERMAF: Jackie Mason? Feh, a tziyoini, in oichet an Aroini. So anyway, we're in Monroe in the Social Security office, and the clerk asks Feherszar what in the world he wrote. He is a yid too, a freier tzioini, and he figures when Feherszar says Fried, man my name has to be Friedman.

DS: And how do people pronounce your name?

ERMAF: Schmuck, putz, lowlife, shtick dreck, bisha, chilul Hashem mamash are usually how people pronounce my name. Only one man gives me respect. Such a nice, big, strong man - and his name is John Gudenus. Also another one, Ewald Stadler. Such nice men. They know from me that there was no such thing from gas chambers; I make up the story about Gudenus wanting to throw gas in my bar mitzvah

DS: WHAT? You deny the Shoah???

ERMAF: Of course. This, the Chmelnitzki massacres, even the Armenian business - all a Zionist plot! Besides, Johnele and Ewaldish pay me; I'll say anything for a few Euros!

DS: So you want to be the Chief Rabbi of Austria?

ERMAF: Not quite. I want to be the Rabbi of the Independent Congregation Hashmadas Yisroel of Vienna.

DS: How will you get your community recognized?

ERMAF: That is why I agreed to speak to you. Your Creedmoorer Rov knows how to get multiple personalities onto the welfare rolls as well as bichlal how to fake multiple personality syndrome so you get the personalities in the first place. In gantz Austria there are 8000 yidden maybe. But plenty of anti-Zionist neo Nazis and Muslims. To begin with I'll say that they are all Jewish. You know the medina brings shkootzim so they can have more people. At least I am honest and I say my people are anti-Zionists. They bring anti-Semitic shkootzim fun Russland and say they are Jewish, and since they serve in the Army they are Zionist too.....

DS: For mamash a meshuggener, your thinking is sadly right on target sometimes. Just stay away from the guys with the swastikas and you'll go far in life - at least as far as Sing Sing.

Creedmoor Mourns Vincent "The Chin" Gigante

The Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor mourn the passing of their benefactor and mentor, Vincent "The Chin" Gigante. Our Admou"r always looked toward Vincent as a man who managed to prove to the world that he was clinically insane, while he ran scores of illicit enterprises. Indeed, the Admou"r got his start when, as a young yeshiva bochur in the New York State Reformatory and Mesivta, he ran numbers for Vincent the Chin. That is to say that at least one of his personalities got started that way.

Since 19 Kislev is a Zionist holiday, the Admou"r will be having his Interfaith Memorial Tish for Vincent the Chin at Our Lady of the Conflagration, D-ward, Room 305, Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. Free transportation for all virtual and multiple personalities will be provided.

Creedmoor Takes the Financial Markets by Storm - Part 2

At this point, the Admou"r was becoming as brazen as could be regarding his financial shenanigans. As a leader of both a Native American nation (Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree had mysteriously disappeared and is said to be enjoying a long sojourn somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle) and an independent nation, he realized he no longer had to feign insanity to retain his rent-free castle in Creedmoor. Nevertheless, his new silk tish bekeshe, which replaced his former orange plastic model, was the only tish bekeshe in existence that included Disney World cartoon characters in its intricate pattern. And his shtreimel, said to be polar bear fur dyed in a panda pattern, included a badge on the front saying "Down with Rubashkin - Long Live PETA!"

And he no longer feared venturing outside of Creedmoor. He was often spotted in such ehrliche frum hangouts as Atlantic City and Las Vegas, buying many chips, and selling them on credit to addicted gamblers, at rates as high as 75% markup, payable before leaving the casino. When caught by management, he would remove his white homburg and change to a black Borsalino, claiming he was the Chabad shaliach, come to put tefillin on with Jewish punters. Needless to say, he was not able to get away with this too many times, and several casinos banned him as a result. Instead, he set up a storefront manned by a Mexican immigrant of the wetback variety, who was duly paid a dollar a day for his trouble. From this storefront, punters could call the Admou"r's "Gamblers Anonymous Gemach" and arrange for a cash loan at 75% per day interest. The money would arrive, delivered by wetback, within a half hour, and woe betide the punter who did not return 175% of the sum, in cash, the next day.

But most important, it was in Atlantic City that he met Joaquin Dominguez, formerly of Santiago, Cuba and now of no fixed address. Joaquin was spotted cadging food and Dumpster diving one rainy night in Las Vegas. He approached the Admou"r for a handout, and was of course rebuffed with a very rude "Kishin Tuches - Shygetz Aroys!" The beggar did not understand a word the Admou"r said, and continued to stretch out his hand while muttering about Castro, and a Ford convertible. The Admou"r figured that Joaquin had just seen a Castro Convertibles commercial, but the truth was very different. You see, Joaquin was one of the infamous Marielitos - criminals and mental patients sent by Fidel Castro as a goodwill gift to his fellow Communist, Jimmy Carter.

And the Cuban continued with his monologue: "Castro he throw mee in de jailhouse because I steeel a Ford convertible. Ten yeers long time. Crazy peeples live with me and I be crazy now too. Castro throw me on raft in Mariel and I float Miami. Hold up the likker store with a plastic knife and I go looney bin!"

The Admou"r's eyes lit up when he heard the words "looney bin!" Why, this man could get a committment order to Creedmoor in a New York minute - and from there - he would go from a man who stole a Ford to a Ferdganver....in less time than it took the Hakolbishvili brothers and Olamnivrabishvili to print a passport........

Part 3 coming all too soon!

Creedmoor Takes the Financial Markets by Storm! Part 1

Even Sholam Weiss could not sink to the level of the Admou"r meCreedmoor when it came to an utter lack of respect for law and an insatiable appetite for the spoils of gross fraud!

It was not enough that the Admou"r received almost 1 million US dollars per week in entitlement funds made out to scores of nonexistent multiple personalities.

It was not enough that the Admou"r had forged over 500 million dollars worth of deeds, placed insurance policies on the properties, and reaped the rewards of up to eight policies per location.

It was not enough that the Admou"r operated a permanent casino on the Creedmoor grounds (New York State property that he deeded to himself) and many a temporary casino throughout the state, until punters found out that his payouts were in useless pre-war Latvian food coupons (forged, of course).

It was not enough that the Admou"r had managed to retain millions in EU and Saudi economic aid for his short-lived Independent Republic of Creedmoor.

It was not enough that the Admou"r had framed an innocent, mentally incompetent individual and had him sentenced to 967 years for crimes that were the fault of the Admou"r himself.

And it was not enough that the Admou"r operated a scam medical charity in Africa and the Caucasus, netting millions from corrupt customs officials.

Rabos avayros asa ha'Admou"r....but he had yet to find one that "alit al kulana."

Until he discovered that he could beat Enron at its own game; just as Ferdganver the First overtook Sholam Weiss in terms of sentencing, so too would Ferdganver the Second overtake Enron when it came to gross financial fraud.

But first, the Admou"r had to find another Ferdganver. This time, it would prove very easy....

The Juvey Boys Choir

Take the present popularity of boys' choirs in the frum community, and combine it with the Creedmoorer's unbridled avarice, and the availability of funds for rehabilitation of juvenile delinquents - and all Gehennom breaks loose in the form of the BH one and only Juvey Boys' Choir!

The Admou"r was really in fine form for the past four weeks since his release. To begin with, he registered the births of 5000 more daughters, all named Magaifo Nafka and all suffering from various and sundry disabilities requiring 24 hour nursing care and just about every orthopedic, respiratory and cardiac appliance and monitor known to medical science. The reason for this was very simple. The Admou"r was about to export this equipment to charity hospitals from Armenia to the Sahara via his latest organization, Ahavas Mirma - the Creedmoorer Nation Universal Medical Relief Fund.

This noble organization never charges the recipients one cent for the equipment. Instead, it simply sends the equipment, obtained free of charge via US entitlement programs al pi minhag Creedmoor hayadua, to the most corrupt nations on earth, with grossly inflated values and astronomically high shipping costs, COD. The Admou"r's network of crooked customs agents, from Afghanistan to Zarkawi's stronghold in Iraq, and from Antarctica (yes, the Admou"r even manages to ship equipment to research stations in penguin territory) to South America, simply extort huge duties and collect the shipping fees from the often desperate recipients. And of course, anywhere from 20% to 80% of the ill gotten gains are remitted via a series of transfers to "The Hyliger Slush Fund and Keren Maamad of the Grand Rabbi of the Creedmoorer Kehilla Sheyirfa"sh."

Then, the Admou"r extended his Creedmoorer Nation to an abandoned facility in Rockland County, New York, so that he could open the first Yiddish speaking casino. Ads promising "drei tolar far yeder einer" attracted every yeshiva bochur and Bais Yaakov girl who were heading off the derech to really head off the derech - and nothing scared more of them back straight than seeing the depths of depravity to which the Admou"r had sank. Said one concerned parent: "Mayn Genendel vus mamash going tiff in der erd. Then she gay tzi Creedmoorer casino, give der Admou"r a tolar, and get a drei tolar kounterfitisher piece asher yotzor papier. She tells me, Mamme, ich vil nisht zenen azoy vi dem Creedmoorimlach! - and she mach enrollment in der Bais Yaakov semitery far'n bed girls in Eretz Yisroel." Nevertheless, in the 48 hours before the Tznius Patrol chased the casino out of town, it raked in 3 million dollars of real US currency - in exchange for 9 million dollars of worthless toilet paper that cost the Admou"r 10,000 dollars in phony credit cards to print.

Still, the Admou"r was never satisfied, and when he logged into the Internet one day, he read about the availability of Federal funds for rehabilitation of juvenile delinquents in New York State. As a Native American shaman, the Admou"r was now eligible for preferences as a minority vendor. What an opportunity for large scale gezel, the "avoida of a new generation," al pi tabaat Chassidus Creedmoor!

And of course, the Admou"r knew full well of the boys' choir craze in the frum world. So, he proposed a musical talent program for the young delinquents - for which the government would pay 500 dollars per participant, minimum of 10000 participants, of whom 50 would be chosen to sing in the choir. This choir would perform in hospitals, nursing homes, and special schools, to the delight of all.

Now, not even the absentee single parent of the most depraved delinquent would let her offspring participate in a choir led by a man who dressed in tinfoil and plastic bags. That meant that all auditions would have to be conducted with - virtual participants. So, the Admou"r's grant was duly approved when he came up with a list of 10000 young delinquents of all races and colors. Of course, he simply scanned phone books into his computer, but the Federal bureaucracy is not noted for its astuteness.

But that did not prevent the Admou"r from organizing a real choir, composed of young men from the Creedmoor outpatient facility.

And they indeed did perform, at the chassuna of a family where all four parents were in State koilel for sales tax evasion and consumer fraud. Never mind that the choir was paid in forged ECT cards; the performance was a must-see, and it included a new song:

BURN 'EM DOWN!

From the ashes itself they saved evidence for the insurance
Get it fast and pay the adjuster with endurance
Clear a path so the inspector can pick up a bag
Burn 'em down, burn 'em down, burn 'em down

5 to 10 flies by like cars passing on the BQE. Parole comes by like the blink of an eye
March to the exercise yard for Shachris, Mincha, Maariv, no mikveh here just the showers, the can is no place for delicate flowers, welfare checks bounce, bounce, bounce....

At this point, even the couple and guests, most of whom wore ankle bracelets of the electronic variety, were so inspired that they wrecked the hall - and who was it insured to if not "The Holiest Congregation of the Community which Walks in the Blessed Ways of Creedmoor."

Police arrived at the scene, and most of the participants in the simcha were duly arrested and booked. And they were followed by the one and only Koirach Bilom Feketeszar, the Gabbai and Insurance Adjuster extraordinaire, who as always was carrying a five gallon pail of some solvent or another. A sheaf of fifties (well, more like a sheaf of 70 dollar bills with a legit 50 on top and a Gruzini special on the bottom) changed hands, and a police officer was asked to sign a sheaf of forms....

And the Admou"r wore a garbage bag in hot Day-Glo orange as he rejoiced in the giving of the payouts.....while Aetna, AXA, Allstate, Cigna, Generali, Prudential, and many a Lloyd's syndicate donned sackcloth and ashes and wept!

The Creedmoorer Nation Opens a Casino - Part 2

Of course, the Department of State never recognized the Independent Republic of Creedmoor to begin with so that the whole point was moot. That meant that the Admou"r could move right to part 2 of his plan to maintain sovereignty - while still receiving entitlement payments for every last multiple personality!

"Balaila hahu nodeda shnas hamelech" - on that night, the Admou"r could not sleep. No, he was not looking to see which multiple personality deserved to be rewarded for his latest welfare scam - he was looking through purloined employee and patient directories for names that looked remotely Native American.

As the Admou"r perused the "Divrei Hayomim de'Creedmoor, he settled upon a patient in the ward for the criminally insane, whose name was Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree. Needless to say, when one is dealing with patients in a ward for the criminally insane, one has no idea of the actual identities of said patients, let alone their ethnic origins. As for our Great Chief's middle name, apparently it was bestowed upon him by wardens and prisoners alike at his previous port of call, a place which according to some, belonged to the ancient and well respected Sing Sing Native American tribe.

It did not take long for the hyliger Admou"r to find Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree. As for his lineage, while it was impossible to know whether he really was of Native American stock, it was apparent that this tall, dilapidated example of selective inbreeding clearly merited the name Straighttree - for his family tree rivaled that of the late, lamented Uday and Qusay bnei Saddam Hussein in terms of lack of adequate branches.

Straighttree was a perfect candidate for Great Chief of the new Creedmoor Nation, about to be created by the Admou"r meCreedmoor for the sole purpose of opening a casino and entertainment center on the dirt path which connects D-ward with Kiryas Naye Creedmoor - and happens to be occupied by a swimming pool and gym which is still State property as it services the few remaining unfortunates who are hospitalized in the official wards of the august Creedmoor facility.

Immediately, the Admou"r obtained his soon to be partner in crime's vital statistics so as to sign him up for every possible entitlement program available. For his trouble, Straighttree received five per cent of the take, paid in three dollar gift certificates for MehaDreck Mart, and redeemable only for firewater. Now, firewater in days of old meant mashke - but in Creedmoor redt, firewater, or more accurately feiervasser, refers to Saudi kerosene, prepared with the © hechsher for use in the immolation of buildings for purposes of obtaining insurance payouts.

"Ma laasois baish asher hamelech chofetz beyikaroi.." - and on that day the Admou"r made for Reb Donald a shtreimel of the finest Malaysian tin foil, noki mekol chashash tumas hatzioinis and therefore exempt from toiveling in the Admou"r's asher yotzor bowl. And in that shtreimel, he stuck a dozen pigeon feathers and he affixed to it Mickey Mouse ears, made of the finest felt obtained in the Occupational Therapy room in the main hospital. Then, Reb Donald was crowned "Grand Chief of the Creedmoorer Nation," as well as being initiated into Chassidus Creedmoor by responding affirmatively to the question: "Tell me Donalt - you iz eppes eligible for SSI?"

Meanwhile, it was time to collect on the policy or ten which the Admou"r placed on the gym which he was about to take over for casino construction purposes: "Donald, gey mach'n fire in gym!" said the Admou"r to his newest charge (while rubbing together 2 sticks to signify fire). "Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo! Me make burn!" replied the Great Chief. "Yasher koiach, ich darf roif'n der insurance!" replied the Admou"r!

The Admou"r was ready for Step 2 - a lawsuit against the State of New York and an injunction against the State prohibiting them from utilizing any land belonging to the Sckemegeigi tribe of the Creedmoorer Nation, which possessed, in the hands of its Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree, deeds showing that this land had been the hunting grounds of the first and greatest chief of the entire Creedmoorer Nation, Horsefeathers Sckemegeigi (pronounced Shmeggege). The Admou"r of course informed the State that Sckemegeigi means "Straight Tree" in Creedmoorer, which is a language of the Purple Mohawk family. (Needless to say, Shmohawk may come to mind for any Mel Brooks fans who happen to be reading this, which makes Blazing Saddles look quite plausible by comparison). According to the 1529 Survey of the Lands of the Colonie of Southe Dreckistan and its Surroundings, this land included D-ward, Kiryas Naye Creedmoor - and Jamaica Center, on Parsons Boulevard in Queens.

Now, given those facts, what State bureaucrat could resist the Admou"r's deal - we, the Creedmoorer Nation, from whose name the very name of the hospital derives, will relinquish any claims to Jamaica Center in exchange for development rights, in perpetuity, to the territory presently occupied by our nation within the confines of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, and including the gymnasium and swimming instruction center presently used by the State of New York for the training of the criminally insane. Said development rights were of course to include a casino, which would be licenced to accept US currency but to pay out in Creedmoor Nation currency, issued by the ancestral printing press of the Shvili tribe, now operated by Moshiach Hakolbishvili and Shabtai Olamnivrabishvili of Rego Park, Queens.

Needless to say, such a proposal would be laughed at by even the most obtuse New York State bureaucrat. But, the Shvili tribe of Rego Park, Queens are known for their production of any document or stamp which the Admou"r may desire - an ancestral craft perfected in Soviet Georgia of old, and passed down from father to son, each of whom have thirteen passports and forty driving licences. So, for a small fee payable in US currency, the Admou"r was presented with a treaty signed and stamped by none other than the Governor of New York himself - FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT! Never mind that Roosevelt had been out of office for many years now and had passed on - the proud men of the Shvili persuasion simply aged the document and backdated it to 1930. This meant that theoretically, the State of New York owed Straighttree compensation for years now!

As for the Admou"r, he proclaimed himself Great Shaman of the Sckemegeigi tribe, and explained to Straighttree that in Creedmoorer practice, the shaman handled all financial administration!

So, the next morning, a truck from "Dollar Bill's Print Shop" delivered a truckload of threes, fives and sevens to the new "Creedmoor Chump Palasse Kasino," operated by the Creedmoorer Nation under the leadership of Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree and Grand Shaman (as good a translation as any for and about as authentic as the rest of his rabbinical titles) Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman Sheyirfa"sh.

And the suckers piled in for the 1:3 guaranteed winnings - one US dollar purchased 3 Creedmoorer dollars (also known as forged Estonian food stamps). The truly lucky winners were treated to 1:7 payouts in seven dollar denominations, and on the very first day, a certain Mr James Willmer, Assistant to the Assistant of the Commissioner of Gaming of the State of New York, placed a twenty dollar bill into the "Destroy the Tryfe Medine" slot machine and won a whole sack of threes, sevens and nines, totalling TZVAY MILYEN TOLAR!

Said Mr Willmer was driven back to Albany in a stretch Hummer, and plied with drinks so that the next morning, he had no time to open the sack before work, where he affirmed that all was according to standard at the new casino.

And the fire of Creedmoor burns on, consuming in its wake many a building with good insurance coverage!

The Creedmoorer Nation Opens A Casino - part 1!

The Admou"r realized that he had to do something fast. To be sure, the independence of the Republic of Creedmoor was now recognized by Andorra, Iran, France and Malaysia, as well as by the Palestinian Authority and the Taliban National Front of Afghanistan. And the "Independent Republic of Creedmoor" accounts in Switzerland were full to the brim with EU aid transfers. But, after his long adventure in the Kennedy Airport immigration lockup, the Admou"r knew that his independent status was worth little - and what was worse, as the "Admou"r For Life" of an independent country, he could no longer receive US entitlement programs - and neither could any other personality in his fiefdom.

So, the Admou"r cut up his "Independent Republic of Creedmoor" passport, and, in due conformity with "Law 65856356 of the Code of Regulations of the European Union of Socialist Failed Economies Regarding the Transfer of Funds to Corrupt Dictators Who Oppose Israel," transferred the millions in EU subsidies to his personal accounts in Switzerland and Panama.

He then called the Department of Defense and stated his intention to cede the entire territory of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor back to the United States. But, as always with Creedmoor, there were some strings attached..............

Dor Reshoim - keeping future generations devoid of merit!

As a response to her hyliger husband's continuing detention and with hope that his Section 8 and welfare cheques continue to arrive despite his declaration of independence from the USA, Mrs Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, a woman who is Izevel, a yachne, and veritably brimming with tzoiah from all her pores, is proud to present DOR RESHOIM!

Imagine the tragedy.

1) Rivky: The daughter of geshmake Federal koilel yungeleit is introduced to a young man who is so far from her family derech - he learns, davens, gives tzedoko, participates in community service without being sentenced to same by a judge...

2) Mendy: The son of the most prominent family in our community, and a young man who has the zechus to be inscribed on the welfare rolls of all fifty states as well as three Canadian provinces is redt to a young lady from a Chassidus that is known for such horrors as bikur choilim...and he marries her and leaves the derech, becoming a successful and ehrliche businessman....

That is why the Rebbetzin is proud to introduce the Dor Reshoim Matchmaking Screening Service! For a very small fee, payable in entitlement checks, we screen potential marriage partners to make sure that both sides have felony records and welfare profiles for at least as many generations as they have resided in the free world! Each participant will have his or her family's records broadcast all over town, in every mikve and even on the Net!

A success story: Yachne and Bilom come from fine State Koilel families, on opposite coasts. Yachne's great grandfather ran a black market in textiles between the 2 wars in Chelm, and her parents are on probation for tax evasion . Bilom's father and mother are serving 20 year sentences for gasoline tax fraud and money laundering. So, when their children came of age, the parents asked Dor Reshoim to check the records. And they matched - both families carry a fine heritage of fraud and parasitism. So, the chassuna was celebrated with one set of parents wearing handcuffs and the other wearing ankle bracelets - invy hagefen veinvy hagefen - or is it oy vay a ganif mit oy vay a gonif! And three months later, Yachne gave birth to a baby who is already signed up for SSI and welfare in 30 states!

So, if you do not want your child to chalila marry an ehrliche baal chesed, but you'd prefer a nishtgeferlache ba'al gayve vetayve, call Dor Reshoim now at 1-888-RESHOIM! Keep our families FREE of birth defects such as chesed, rachamim and ehrlichkeit!

Coming soon - very important Creedmoor news!

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is indeed out of detention, and he is presently endorsing and depositing the myriad welfare and SSI cheques that have come into his possession while away from Creedmoor. Tomorrow, we will present an update as to just how the Admou"r managed to escape from detention - and on Sunday, an important announcement regarding the independent status of Creedmoor is expected.

And the Admou"r is now taking questions on http://www.frumspace.com/forums - this is a great chance to meet the man who has elevated mirma and gezel to an art form!

Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver lands in Federal Koilel - Part 3

Soon enough, FBI agents swooped down upon the hallowed halls of D-ward d'Creedmoor, armed with a warrant for the arrest of Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, ne Jacinto Rodriguez. The warrant was issued thanks to the work of Dr Pervez "Pervy" Khan, who convinced the wonderfully capable investigators that all of the stolen funds placed in his account and in the account of a certain "Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor and Other Things Best Avoided," were placed there by Rodriguez, who had even had passports forged in the name of Jacob K. Ferdganver so as to prove that he was an officer of the Disjoint Distribution Committee, an offshoot of the Disjointed Jewish Communities.

In the meantime, Dr Pervy had fled back to his native Pakistan (where he had transfered much of his ill gotten stash of section 8 and food stamp funds). This meant that when the bravest and finest of the FBI arrived at the exalted premises of D-ward, they were greeted by a Chassidic rebbe wearing a tin foil hat and an undersized and underbrained Mexican riding a broomstick. Needless to say, the most honorable rebbe all of a sudden regained sanity, and calmly explained to the investigators that Jacinto Rodriguez was their man - and even showed the phony photo ID's bearing Rodriguez's likeness and the highly fictitious surname of Ferdganver.

Never mind that Jacinto Rodriguez was clearly at least 39.8 WD's short of a can of WD-40; the proud men of the FBI had a warrant for his arrest on charges of defrauding the Federal Government, and they would not leave the premises without their man. Never mind that their real man was the esteemed and disdained Admou"r, and that his henchman had fled to Pakistan. Never mind that Jacinto Rodriguez could not spell the abbreviation FBI. Jacinto Rodriguez was spirited out in Creedmoor, in an unmarked Ford Victoria, and taken to the Federal Mesivta a/k/a the Metropolitan Corrections Center, for pretrial detention.

Since Rodriguez had no lawyer, no known relatives, and a dubious immigration status, his trial took place a mere 2 weeks after his arrest. Indeed, at his pre-trial hearing he wore a shirt marked "Someone smuggled me in from Jalisco and all I have to show for it is this lousy T-shirt". However, one would be correct to suspect that it was printed along with his Ferdganver passport and licence, at the one and only Dollar Printing and Lamination of Rego Park, one of a very few merchants which displays a certificate "by exclusive appointment to the royal hoif of the Admou"r meCreedmoor"

The trial was attended by few people indeed - but one of those people probably counted for hundreds or thousands when it came to Federal subsidy and entitlement grants as well as votes in Federal, State and local elections. Yes, in return for his assistance with the case against Rodriguez, the Admou"r meCreedmoor was allowed to attend the trial - in his traditional form of dress, the famous pointed tinfoil shtreimel and orange garbage bag bekeshe.

And what a trial it was! As the prosecuting attorney read each of the 967 counts against Jacinto Rodriguez, the Admou"r cheered him on by singing "Vekoil karnei reshoim agadeach" while banging his walking stick against the seat on which his royal tuches was regally perched. Jacinto responded only by saying: "Heee said to mee to say I ggggggeeeeeeeeeellteeeeee. Geeeeeeeeeelteee meen I go back Mexico! But meeeeeeee Amerikan seetezin!"

Eventually, the jury came to a unanimous conclusion: Jacinto Rodriguez was guilty as charged - and so was Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver.

And now came the sentencing phase. Now it was the judge's turn to read the litany of charges: "One count of felony fraud....one count of forgery....one count of identity theft (the Admou"r had informed the FBI that the Ferdganver identity belonged to a long dead and highly respected rabbi who had been the head of an important rabbinical court in some village in Hungarian Galicia and then emigrated to the US where he affixed his seal to products such as water and cane sugar so as to render them kasher lemehadrin min hamehadrin), etc, etc until he came to enough felonies to be able to pronounce a sentence.

So he counted them...one and one concurrent, one and two suspended, one and three in sequence, one and four concurrent....and the Admou"r regaled the good judge with a rendition of the posuk "yomim al y'my melech toisif" that would certainly not have landed him a recording contract with Aderet, let alone Jdub or chalila Sony, but which certainly had an effect on the rodent and roach population of the Federal courthouse in Lower Manhattan. And so it went on for about three hours until the judge tallied up the sentence and came to: 967 years.

And the Admou"r, in his tremendous chessed, sped off in a taxi to Dollar Printing, where he presented pictures of various movie stars and asked for passports and birth certificates in the names of Cholerye, Koirach, Bilom, Homon, Antiochus, Kalev Hunt and Sus Ferd Ferdganver. Upon his return to Creedmoor, these documents were couriered to the Social Security office by another unwitting dupe from the maintenance staff, who was rewarded with five food stamps, in seven dollar denominations, for his trouble.

Finally, these numbers were used to sign up for the usual Creedmoor cohort of payments - SSI, Medicaid, disability, welfare, ECT, WIC, food stamps, and a few insurance policies. And all of these payments were put into a special fund called the Jacob Ferdganver Foundation, meant for the sustenance of the many starving multiple personalites of the rosh verishon lekol davar shebemirma, Dovid Schmoigerman of Creedmoor ve'shaar marin bishin.

Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver - part 2

With prosecution clearly impending, the Admou"r decided to convene all of his myriad multiple personalities for a meeting with Dr Khan. In the meantime, Jacinto Rodriguez was still busy searching for 200 more dollars worth of Uncle Sam's hard unearned money, as he had lost his last 100 dollars in a game of three card monte with the very same Dr Khan! (Of course, Dr Khan, in his august and hallowed capacity as a shill for the Admou"r, turned 80 of those 100 dollars over to his lord and master, der Admou"r bikvoidoi ibeatzamoisoi!).

The meeting, which was attended by two people who somehow managed to receive no fewer than eight thousand monthly Federal and State subsidy and entitlement cheques between them, was quite successful. It was decided that the Admou"r and his loyal partner would return the 100 dollars worth of food stamps to Jacinto, and even give him a broomstick, free of charge, in exchange for a rather small favor.

The Admou"r contacted the Disunion Bank of Schvitzerland a/k/a his private bank in Nauru so as to obtain forms which would allow the transfer of all of the substantial Shmoigerman/K'hal Sinas Chinom and Khan/Creedmoor Curried Goat and Psychiatric Services accounts to one Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, whose signature was duly recorded as three X's followed by a Z.

Then, the Admou"r contacted another of his most faithful Chassidim, Shabtai Olamnivrabishvili, the proprietor of Dollar Printing and Lamination of Rego Park, with an order for a passport and driver's licence in the name of Jacob K. Ferdganver.

When the documents were couriered over to Creedmoor and signed for by "Dr Pervy Khan," the Admou"r invited Rodriguez into his cheder yichud and gave him a broomstick, and 100 dollars worth of forged food stamps which had arrived in the packet from the printer. He then asked Rodriguez, a functional illiterate, to make 3 x's and a z on the signature lines of a number of bank transfer orders and contracts.

Rodriguez could not contain his glee: "Rabbi gimme hooooooorseeyy! Rabbi gimme hoorssseey! Now I back in Mexico beeg horse theef and thees time I no pay for horse neether. Ride 'em cowboy! Me no buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllsssssssssshhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeettttt!"

The Admou"r replied with a brocho: "May you live a very long time so you can ride dayn fertselach all day long where du darfst geyen! From now on, your name is no longer Jacinto Rodriguez! It is Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver! Af Yiddish dat means Jeck da horse theef! You should be proud from your genayves!"

Jacinto was so thankful that he took the Admou'r's Commerce Bank handout pen and wrote lines and lines of x's and z's on a roll of Creedmoorer klaf a/k/a Scottissue.

With that, and a call placed by Dr Pervez "Pervy" Khan to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the fate of Jacinto Rodriguez, soon to be the Rosh Koilel of the Federal Koilel of Leavenworth, was sealed.....

Part 3 coming all too soon!

Creedmoor Profiles No.2 - Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver - 967 Years of Tshuva - Part 1

As we prepare for the final release of the Admou"r meCreedmoor (who is now stuck in the cargo hold of an Ariana Afghanistan Airlines plane, but more about that shortly), we must take some time to remember those who made Creedmoor what it is today.

So, here is the story of a great tzaddik, Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, who has the distinct demerit to have been sentenced to 967 years in a rather secure Federal Koilel, where he has taken it upon himself to do tshuva for many, many generations yet unborn.

The judge had never seen anything like it. A Chassidic rebbe, dressed rather unusually in a garbage bag and a tinfoil hat, jumping around and dancing while singing verses from Psalms - in the midst of a sentencing hearing...................

The saga started in 2002, when a renegade former Chassid and fugitive by the name of Sholam Weiss was sentenced to 845 years in Federal prison for gross fraud, after having been extradited from Austria. The Admou"r meCreedmoor was not going to let anyone who was not a Creedmoorer Chossid have the honour of being the recipient of the longest prison sentence ever meted out to a Jew in the United States . In addition, he himself was at the edge of receiving a similar sentence in Federal koilel, as a moiser, or perhaps a non-bent and halfway competent psychiatrist, had notified authorities regarding the Admou"r's many insurance and entitlement scams.

So, an opportunity quickly presented itself in the name and wraithlike figure of one Jacinto Rodriguez, the sordid details of whose birth and childhood in Jalisco, Mexico we will spare our faithful readers, as such information is best omitted from a fine, frum family publication like the Creedmoor Chronicles/Vochedige Velt-barimte Pashkvilke. Suffice it to say that years of malnutrition had made their mark upon this gentleman, who may have been on the payroll as a janitor but could also have been a patient whose occupational therapy included sweeping the hallowed halls of D-ward with a rickety old straw broom that matched his rickety appearance and even more rickety intellectual prowess.

One day, the Admou"r was strolling through the premises of his hyliger beis medrash when he spotted Rodriguez holding his broom between his legs, riding it as if it were a horse. Rodriguez cried out "In Mexico I horse thief! Ride 'em cowboy. No buuuuuuullllllllllssssssshhhhhhhheeet! Me Jacinto el ladron y no soy cabron."

The Admou"r told Jacinto in equally broken Yingspanglish: "Di bist a ladron? Di host gelt? Give me por favor drei tolar oder eppes some foodstemp and I give you benedicion! I make your horsey live forever and be real big horse and I big rabbi so I no make no hooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrsesheeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"

It was clear that Jacinto had a bit of a comprehension problem where Creedmoorer Yiddish was concerned, for he attempted to hit the Admou"r with the broom, and said broom immediately surrendered its dusty soul to the creator of dust bunnies, leaving Jacinto bereft of his gallant steed. Now, Jacinto began to cry: "Heyzooos, Maria y todos los santos, mi caballo dead, no more cowboy, just beeeeeg buuuuuuuuullllllsheeeeeeeeeet rabbi!"

Now, the Admou"r proved just what a ba'al midois Sdoim he truly was, is and continues to be. He quickly offered the moaning, wailing Jacinto a new steed (obtained from a nearby utility closet and marked "Property of the New York State Department of Demental Health" - for a month's ration of food stamps! To make sure that the dilapidated little Mexican understood, the equally dilapidated Admou"r held out his hyliger thumb and rubbed it against his fingers, and then stretched out his hand and said: "Gimme food stamp, cowboy!"

Jacinto could produce only fifty dollars worth of food stamps, so that the Admou"r separated the horse's head from its torso, or more correctly the broom's head from the stick, and gave the mighty steed's head to his latest customer. He then told Jacinto: "Tomorrow you bring me tzvai hinnert dinero and I give you horsey. You no bring and you get horseyshhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeetttttt!"

The stunned Jacinto headed off into the sunset, clutching his new mount's head like a security blanket as he set off to find two hundred dollars worth of Federal entitlement money. In the meantime, the Admou"r was stunned by the arrival of a Federal document of another sort - a notice of investigation for massive welfare, section 8, and Medicaid fraud - addressed to Dr Pervez Muktadar Khan, the latest in a string of psychiatrists who were on the payroll of the hyliger Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor for the purpose of receiving various and sundry undeserved multiple benefits payments on behalf of the hyliger Admou"r himself.

So, the Admou"r quickly realized that he had to attend to matters far more pressing than cheating a decrepit little Mexican janitor out of a month's worth of food stamps. After all, Khan was as big a tzaddik as the Admou"r himself, and since Khan could easily turn state's evidence in exchange for deportation, the Admou"r realized he might exchange his present rabbinic titles for that of "Rosh Koilel of the Hyliger Leavenworth Koilel" for many, many years.....

Tam venishlam Part 1 - Part 2 coming soon!

The Admou"r is back in Creedmoor!

Read about his exciting escape from Kennedy Airport Homeland Security Detention Center tomorrow!

Yes, the Admou"r and his Cretinous Creedmoor Constellation are back by popular demand - and as they say, be careful what you ask for because you might just get it!

Has Creedmoor Run its Course?

Well, the Admou"r was indeed released yesterday, just in time for the yahrtzeit of his Rebbe, the Tzoirer Hokodosh of Ramallah YMS. But does anyone care to read about Creedmoor anymore, or has it run its course? Please let me know!

Der Admou"r's Becher is On Ebay!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6224250149

Der Admou"r unfortunately iz nisht aroysgeforn fun jail and now we sell his becher in oichet Kois shel Brocho on Ebay far'n his Legal Defense Fund! Bid now and bid high!!!

The Admou"r will be released Motzoei Shabbos

We have received word that the Admou"r will fier tush at the El Sayid A Nosair Chapel of the Homeland Security Federal Detention Center at Kennedy Airport this Shabbos, but that he has reached an agreement with the US Government which will secure his release chas vesholom.

More details as we fabricate them out of thin air!

Keeping Future Generations Free of Mitzvos - "Dor Reshoim"

As a response to her hyliger husband's continuing detention and with hope that his Section 8 and welfare cheques continue to arrive despite his declaration of independence from the USA, Mrs Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, a woman who is Izevel, a yachne, and veritably brimming with tzoiah from all her pores, is proud to present DOR RESHOIM!

Imagine the tragedy.

1) Rivky: The daughter of geshmake Federal koilel yungeleit is introduced to a young man who is so far from her family derech - he learns, davens, gives tzedoko, participates in community service without being sentenced to same by a judge...

2) Mendy: The son of the most prominent family in our community, and a young man who has the zechus to be inscribed on the welfare rolls of all fifty states as well as three Canadian provinces is redt to a young lady from a Chassidus that is known for such horrors as bikur choilim...and he marries her and leaves the derech, becoming a successful and ehrliche businessman....

That is why the Rebbetzin is proud to introduce the Dor Reshoim Matchmaking Screening Service! For a very small fee, payable in entitlement checks, we screen potential marriage partners to make sure that both sides have felony records and welfare profiles for at least as many generations as they have resided in the free world! Each participant will have his or her family's records broadcast all over town, in every mikve and even on the Net!

A success story: Yachne and Bilom come from fine State Koilel families, on opposite coasts. Yachne's great grandfather ran a black market in textiles between the 2 wars in Chelm, and her parents are on probation for tax evasion . Bilom's father and mother are serving 20 year sentences for gasoline tax fraud and money laundering. So, when their children came of age, the parents asked Dor Reshoim to check the records. And they matched - both families carry a fine heritage of fraud and parasitism. So, the chassuna was celebrated with one set of parents wearing handcuffs and the other wearing ankle bracelets - invy hagefen veinvy hagefen - or is it oy vay a ganif mit oy vay a gonif! And three months later, Yachne gave birth to a baby who is already signed up for SSI and welfare in 30 states!

So, if you do not want your child to chalila marry an ehrliche baal chesed, but you'd prefer a nishtgeferlache ba'al gayve vetayve, call Dor Reshoim now at 1-888-RESHOIM! Keep our families FREE of birth defects such as chesed, rachamim and ehrlichkeit!

Please Add in Avyros on Behalf of the Admou"r

From a request sent by the Admou"r from the Kennedy Airport detention cell in which he is now housed:

Myne tayerer soldiers in der fight against the tuma fin Tzioinis:

Almost a week I roast here mit Kolombianer drug dealers, Efriken stowavays in a Meksiken or two. End beck in Kridmor der Un A Broches in der Mit A Broches zenen in broigez in mach gantz milchome. You want this should end? I want you should make even more avyros den you usually do:

1) Random acts of hooliganism will bring about myne release. So I want det you should turn over a car, burn a house - nisht far insurance, far thrills. Remember dat it takes a karpenter to build a house, but any jackass can kick it down. Karpenter - is det a job for a Jewish boy? No - so better you should be a jeckess and kick down something dat some poor shmoiger builded.

2) Get involved in every machloikes in der velt. A fight in Vilyamsberg? Great - half of you take one side and half of you take der anderer side. And one of you stab both sides in the beck by pretending to do from one side and really being from der anderer.

3) Increase in the printing end sale from fake documents and fake currency end remember to kesh from it at least tventy sents from der Satan doller. The Great Satan is just a fake to begin with, end da more we make from him an ess de closer we get to the ultimate viktery of the hyliger klipa against such Tziyoini ideas fin ahavas yisroel, achdis, in bifrat we should never see no coming fin der Tziyoini leader der Moshiach.

Letter in Support of the Admou"r's Release

Conference of Foreign Ministers of the Axis of Evil and Not Quite As Evil
256 al-Jahinnum al-Qabir
Damascus (Al-Sham), Syria 11-001

To: The Satan of All Satans, Mr George the Slowly Wilting Bush, may you continue to wilt away:

We hereby demand the release of the great fighter against the evil of the Zionist Empire and the Zionist Controlled Government of the Greatest of Great Satans, the United States of Amerikkka. The great man to whom we refer, Rabbi Dr Imam David Schmoigerman of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, has been instrumental in using the funds generated by the evil people who pay taxes to the Greatest of Great Satans in his struggle against the Zionist Empire and its truly evil allies.

Therefore we give notice that if Rabbi Schmoigerman is not released in 48 hours, we, too, will follow in the ways of Mr Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, may the dung of ten thousand camels infest his four wives, and we, too, will demand aid while we pretend to make peace with the Zionist Entity.

On behalf of the Council of Foreign Ministers:

Kharkosdeh Saagzadeh
Minister of Evil and Deceit of the Islamic Republic of Iran

Mansour Zbaly ul-Kalb
Secretary of the Arab League of Murder and Mayhem

Slim Kim No Dong
Minister of Destructive Tendencies of Some of the People's Republic of North Korea

Moshe Hirsch
Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Disarray and Shamash of the Late Yasser Arafat.

Please recite Perek Pay....

The situation has become quite dire as the hyliger Admou"r has now been in detention in Kennedy Airport for a mere five days. In the meantime, the dispute between the Mit a Brooche and Un a Brooche factions rages on!

The Va'ad Hanarronim and the Moetzes Haganovim of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor ask that all who wish to see the release of our hyliger Rebbe sheyirfash so that he can continue to lead klal Yishmoel into sheol tachtis kindly recite perek Pay (80) followed by perek Tzaddik (90) of the Koran after each time Asher Yotzar is recited.

A public recital of these two prokim will take place tonight at 11.30 pm in Federal and State koilelim, mosques, and other mekoimois kedeishois throughout the US, Canada and Afghanistan. For more information, please call 1-888-TSU-DRAYT.

In the merit of our recital of these hyliger satanic Verses, may the Admou"r continue to reach new depths of depravity in his service of the Sitra Achra.

Creedmoor Looks to UN for Help in Calming a Dispute

NEWSFLASH:

During the last days of Ramadan, when the hyliger Admou"r was in Iran and subsequently detained in Kennedy Airport, a violent conflict broke out between supporters of the "Mit A Brooche" and "Un A Brooche" factions of Creedmoorer Chassidim.

As Creedmoor is now an independent republic, contact has been made with the UN, which is debating whether to send blue helmets into Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, as well as determining the amount of subhumanitarian aid to allot to each side in the conflict.

More coming as the situation develops! Keep checking here for up to date information!

The Admou"r Has Returned from Iran!

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has indeed returned from Iran, where he was a keynote speaker at the "Wiping Out Israel Using Common Household Chemicals and Blunt Soup Spoons" conference. However, we understand that he has been detained for over three days in Kennedy Airport, due to the fact that he entered the US on his Independent Republic of Creedmoor VIP passport. Since the US does not recognize the independence of Creedmoor, the Admou"r was detained and is now the subject of intense negotiations between the US Immigration and Naturalization Service and the Foreign Minister of Creedmoor, Rabbi Mendel Klynesmuk.

As Rabbi Klynesmuk has a number of arrest warrants for participation in Creedmoorer "mivtzoim" such as arson, welfare fraud, grand theft and insurance fraud, there is a chance that the rov and his gabbai may be united in an institute of higher tshuva such as Leavenworth.

There is an even greater possibility that rather than recognizing the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, the US will recognize the fact that Rabbi Shmoigerman is clinically insane, allowing him to return to Creedmoor in peace. As of now, Cuba has offered both rabbonim political asylum - in a cell that is even more heavily padded than the Creedmoorer shtibl!

A very special wine...

Our dear supporter, Reb Sholam Weiss, has asked me to post the following information:

As I now have access to sufficient rotten fruit, sugar and yeast to make the rare and highly respected homemade bootleg wine known in our koilel community as "pruno," I am pleased to be able to take orders for this finest of beverages, which is of course under the strict supervision of the Va'ad Hakashrus of the Arba Misos Beis Din d'Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin:

Sholam Weiss 842 Year Old Federal Reserve

Since I have BH completed the first three years of my intensive tshuva program here in Federal Koilel, I am pleased to announce that I have a mere 842 years left before I can return to the world at large. Upon said return, I will distribute bottles of the wine which I am now making and for which I am now taking orders via my trusted Rov, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, which in turn are passed on to the guards and administrators here at the Federal Kollel for Long Term Intensive Tshuva, who then pass them on to me during our shiurim and chavrusa study in the heiliger shower stalls of this great institution of true higher tshuva.

Each plastic shampoo bottle filled with a pint (10 fluid ounces al pi masores Federal Koilel) of Sholam Weiss 842 Year Old Federal Reserve Fruit Cocktail Wine is priced at a mere 100 dollars or 120 food stamps per bottle.

Please send orders (from Burkina Faso, Andorra, France and Iran) to:

Cherem Wines and Spirits

PO Box 2342

Kiryas Naye Creedmoor

Independent Republic of Creedmoor 00001

Those using the Zionist postal service of America, which does not recognize our heiliger Republic, may address their letters as follows:

The Grand Admou"r, Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Dovid Schmoigerman Samach Mem

D-ward

Creedmoor Psychiatric Center

80-45 Winchester Boulevard

Queens Village, NY 11427

Tumadige Territory of America

An Urgent Appeal from the Admou"r meCreedmoor

While we do not endorse the heretical beliefs of the Zionist sects of Williamsburgh, Monroe, Monsey, Stamford Hill, Boro Park and Yerushalayim the desecrated city of Zionism, we do support the holy efforts of the United Council of Tznius Patrols of the Various and Sundry Communities of Kanoim throughout the world.

The Tznius Patrol - Mishmeres Hatznius - is a truly holy and pure organization which prevents heartrending family tragedies. For instance, our heiliger Patrols stop wayward family members from causing the inability of siblings to find a proper shidduch whose family engages in the requisite holy pursuits such as gross insurance fraud, tax evasion, credit card fraud, and obtaining of welfare and food stamps under false pretenses so as to be able to support the new family for long periods of study in (private, State or Federal) koillel.

In addition, the Tznius Patrol allows idle young men to find an outlet for their talents by undertaking such holy tasks as inflicting physical damage upon young men who dare to desecrate the innocent youth of our communities by doing that which only our own boys have the right to do with our own heilige and eidel girls who are often found hanging out in pizza parlors and pool halls at night instead of sticking to more appropriate venues such as basements of simcha halls and the holiest of holy places, men's mikvaos.

So, when you receive a phone call from the "United Tznius Appeal," please respond generously - or it may be YOUR daughter who ends up with her name inscribed on every wall of every men's mikve in your community!

Special Instructions for the Zionist Holiday of Sukkos

While we who follow in the ever dimming and ever more minuscule light of Chassidus Creedmoor condemn and decry the wicked acts of our wayward brethren who celebrate the Zionist holiday of Sukkos and in so doing neglect the great Ramadan, the holiest of holy days of Acheinu B'nei Yishmoel who stand at the forefront of eradicating the tumoh of Zionism from the face of the world, we still do permit the construction of the booths of tumoh and znus known as sukkos BUT ONLY according to Creedmoorer minhag as handed down by our Naronnim and Moronim throughout the ages, and this is so as to elevate the Sukkoh from a dovor le'tumos hatzioinis to the highest level of Kedushoh - that of a cheftza d'gazla ve'mirmo!

We call upon our Chassidim who live in the United States, United Kingdom and Zionist Entity to build these booths out of wooden, or cardboard panels which are then to be sprayed with kerosene that is noki mekol chashash tumos hatzioinus - namely that which is imported from Saudi Arabia and certified as such by the Creedmoor Rabbinical Council. Once the booth is constructed, at least one insurance policy should be placed on same, and said insurance should be obtained for a period of ten days.

At the conclusion of the Zionist festival, a "Simchos Beis Hasreyfo," a re-enactment of the celebration which was held when a miscreant was sentenced to the method of capital punishment known as sreyfo, should be held. This is conducted by setting the booth alight. Once this is done, the insurance company should be contacted via our community insurance liaison, Chayim the Hymishe Fire Adjuster. Proceeds of the policy will then be shared 10 - 90, with the Creedmoorer moisdois receving the larger share (after the 125% commission paid to Chayim the Hymishe Fire Adjuster).

It should be noted that this minhag applies ONLY to Chassidim residing outside the Independent Republic of Creedmoor ve'Sha'ar Marin Bishin, as no insurer has elected to provide coverage within the confines of our heiliger medina.

And here is a little song regarding inzerer hyliger minhag:

A sukkele a groyse
Filt mit "Shygetz Aroys"'ers
Hob ich mit chandeliers gemacht
Bedekt dem dach
Mit a flammable schach
Ich hob gebrent mayn sukkele bai nacht.....

May those who participate in this hyliger minhag also have the zchis to learn many years in a very secure Federal Koilel!

Zehr an Important Announcement from the Va'ad of Creedmoor Chassidus

We are pleased to announce that links to Creedmoor updates will now be appearing on www.frumspace.com/forums. Look out soon for very special news from the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor as the Creedmoorer Ramadan celebrations go into full swing!

No further links to Creedmoor will appear on "H.com" - check the "Kiryas Creedmoor" section of http://www.frumspace.com/forums (or check Jrants.com) to find out the latest news from the armpit of the bitul Torah velt, Creedmoor (that is, the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, now under the mehadrin hashgocho of the EU).

EU Approves 200 million EURO Aid Request!

Brussels (BSP): Exclusive to the Vochedige Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke:

The European Parliament has approved a request by Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Admou"r for Life of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, for 200 million EUROS earmarked for the construction of kerosene refineries, bleach factories and tinfoil plants on the territory of the Republic.

Never mind that the entire territory of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor is less than 500 meters, and that the EU has yet to recognize the fledgling kapporo that got away. Rabbi Schmoigerman has succeeded in obtaining aid to build plants that would occupy space about three times greater than the entire area of his fiefdom - and the aid was given regardless of the fact that Creedmoor has no body of water which would be necessary for the proper operation of these enterprises.

When asked for the reasoning behind their unusual approval of this request, an EU spokesman replied: "The Independent Republic of Creedmoor meets all requirements for European Union financial aid as per our preceding experience in reference to providing aid to the Palestinian Authority - namely, Creedmoor is a fully and completely corrupt organization with no purpose other than the eradication of Israel."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rabbi Schmoigerman has called for a special feast on Yom Kippur (7th day of Ramadan d'Creedmoor) to celebrate the receipt of this aid. A report regarding this will be posted after the conclusion of the celebrations.

CREEDMOOR DECLARES INDEPENDENCE!

In a shocking announcement before the Krias Shygetz Aroys this past Shabbos (the first Shabbos of Ramadan), the Admou"r meCreedmoor declared that from now on, his communities, D-ward and Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, are to be considered a sovereign, independent Jewish state!

"You know, for tvelf yohr now, we have been draying our kop to get a shtickl welfare and some insurance from the government and the insurance companies. But look at the Zionist entity! Every yohr they schnorr billyens, billyens, fin der memsholoh. Now, we say we also iz geven an independent Jewish state and we can oichet get billions! Both parties, they need the Jewish vote - and since we have so many multiple neshomos here, burich Allah, we can deliver so many votes - so what if we are independent, we just register say a million or so neshomelach on the voter rolls, and the other zibn million or so we register as citizens from our new nisht-Tziyoini Jewish state! Now, see what we get? A million sets fin food stamps and velfare checken, and a few billyen in financial aid and defense aid? Yo, defense aid - mir darf machen a defence against the real mishiggoners over in A-ward and B-ward and the tzudrayt outpatients who sleep over in C-ward from time to time. So, from now on, mir zenen "Der Independent Republic fin Creedmoor in Shaar Marin Bishin" and I am now to be called "Admou"r-for-Life" - but we'll mach azoy vi in Mitzroyim and do an election every four years so I ken get 99 protzent fin der vote. Mitzroyim oichet get billyens fin Fetter Shmeel - and det's not even a democressy!"

It was then announced that "Printabuck" - Hakolbishvili and Sons of Rego Park - would serve as the Royal Mint of Creedmoor, and that Creedmoor would begin issuing its own currency, to be called the "shtickel gelt," in denominations of three, seven and nine geltlach as well as in larger bills of sixty-nine and ninety-three geltlach. As of now, MehaDreck Mart grocery and "Yecharyv Byscho" hardware, as well as Hymie's Hymish Talking Fish Store, all of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, have begun to accept the new currency. The Admou"r has notified exchange booths in Chinatown, Brighton Beach, Vilyemsberg, Schnorro Park, and Rego Park that only dollars obtained through insurance fraud are holy enough to exchange for "shtiklach gelt," and that any money on which taxes were paid to the US or Zionist governments can only be exchanged at a rate of 300 dollars or 200,000 shekels to three shtiklach gelt.

As of now, Burkina Fasso and France have recognized the new Independent Republic; Andorra and Iran are expected to follow suit.

Record Prices for Yom Kippur Seats at Federal Kollel d'Creedmoor

Rabbi Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, who will be directing the Federal Kollel d'Creedmoor, Leavenworth branch, for the next 967 years, recently sold the 9 available seats in his Yom Kippur minyan for a record 500,000 food stamps per seat!

Rabbi Ferdganver's appeal was simple: On Yom Kippur, we begin by asking permission "lehispallel im ha'avaryonim" - to pray with the violators! Now, where can one find real avaryonim if not Leavenworth? So, the rabbi was able to sell these seats to a consortium of investors led by one Jack Abramoff, who just may end up in kollel himself soon....

Wasalulav - a new member of the Cretin Constellation of Creedmoor

Recent advances in psychotropic medications meant freedom for many of the truly ill patients of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. Indeed, it was the availability of extra space for professional malingerers and incurable frauds such as a certain Admou"r and his gabbai, that allowed for the formation of K'hal Sinos Chinom d'Creedmoor - Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor.

Alas, these medications are not perfect, and some patients are never fully cured. Some of these unfortunates reside in a sort of no man's land - in and out of hospitals, never fully able to function, but not necessarily in need of institutionalization.

And who better to exploit this psychiatric limbo, especially if the patient has some tenuous claim to being Jewish, than the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, who constantly trolls the depths of human flotsam and jetsam to attract more Chassidim to his conflagration of a congregation, knowing that - marbeh benefashos, marbeh bewelfare! Surely, a patient with true multiple personality syndrome, and an angry, dejected, hostile personality, is just what the Admou"r ordered.

So, when a 12 year old boy was somehow transferred from A (Acute) ward to the Admou"r's D (Disjointed) ward fiefdom, there was "koil sassoin vekol simcha, koil chosson vekoil - hatan bar misswah (as pronounced by our young subject's haham, the one and only Haham Rahamim Alav Loyashar)."

Jose Enrique Perez is only a Jewish name to those who believe that every third Hispanic is descended from conversos (marranos); Jews who were forced to convert to Xity during the time of the Spanish Inquisition. But as far as the Creedmoorer Communities are concerned, conversion to Judaism can easily be accomplished - so long as adjustments are made to the ger lo-tzedek's records so as to allow for welfare funds to be deposited directly to an account held by "Creedmoorer Section 8 Realty Corp." And again - the more the merrier. Every additional personality means an additional cheque.

Now, our Senorito Perez was a rather sorry specimen. Practically catatonic, he shook and shivered, no matter the temperature in Creedmoor. He hardly ate, so that his weight never seemed to exceed a rather wraithlike 50 pounds. On the day Jose visited the Admou"r for the first time, the Admou"r's window was open so that a strong breeze blew through the room. This strong wind exacerbated Jose Perez's shaking, so that when he entered, the Admou"r turned to Haham Loyashar, his Minister for Sefardi Affairs, and said "Er shakes, er shakes azoy vi a lulav. Eppes er iz geven a lulav bai an anderer gilgul?"

Haham Loyashar, as a true expert in kabbala, sheyodea lekabel, lekabel, ve'od lekabel, declared "Admou"r bar-minan aleyhem hashalom, we must convert this tam wayashar immediately! Do you have a 110 to 220 transformer ready to convert his voltage?"

The Admou"r replied "Iz nisht kyne inyan fin volts. Er hot tvelf yohr. Tvelf yohr ken nit hobn a welfare check alline!"

Haham Loyashar, whose very identity came about because of the work of a forger from a certain Caucasian ex-USSR republic, immediately called his largest contributor - Printabuck of Rego Park - Moshiach Hakolbishvili and Sons Custom Currency Printing. Within the hour, a courier arrived with a new birth certificate for Jose Enrique Perez, showing an age of 18, which is Bar Mitzvah age in Creedmoor. Why 18, you ask? Surely by now you must know - 18 is the age at which federal entitlement programs consider a child to have become an adult. And what mitzvah is more important to a Creedmoorer than gezel from federal entitlement programs? Perhaps m. zochor, but that is another story altogether.

Now, the festivities could begin. Haham Loyashar, the "convertador," (and a licenced chemical deconstructional engineer) mixed a small amount of arak with a slightly larger amount of liquid swimming pool chlorine. He handed the mixture to the taciturn, dazed Jose and told him to repeat: "Just as I drink this bleach, so too shall the sin of Ahavat Israel be bleached from my neshama, and I will merit to hold back the Redemption of anything other than food stamps with double manufacturer's coupons."

Jose of course had no idea of what he was saying, but he did remember hearing the Admou"r say "Wasalulav." So, instead of repeating the text, he cried out repeatedly: "Wasalulav, Wasalulav, Wasalulav!"

Haham Loyashar realized that he and his Admou"r were especially lucky today. They had a bona fide shoiteh in their possession; a shoiteh who could be used for any purpose they desired.

And they had a great purpose in mind - Wasalulav (he received at least three cheques in the name of Wasa Lulavic, born 33 August 1987 in Zbaly, Croatia) would administer the Chaval (Chamorim ve'Leitzanim) organization on behalf of the Admou'r and in conjunction with another man who does much to delay the coming of Moshiach - the one and only and thankfully the one and only Aharon Binyomin Ha'agogi Hamanzon.

To that end, Wasalulav (whose abysymal intellect as reflected in his spelling on another welfare application renders his name as Wasalubab in certain circles) was given an unauthorised Internet account at Creedmoor. Using this account, he spews hatred and venom at those who try to do all that is in their power to put an end to this long, dark golus. And all of this is financed in true Creedmoor fashion - with funds provided by the honest taxpayers of the United States of America.

Shreit gevalt!

Wrongful Birth and Goi'al Nefesh

The Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor and the Ferdganver Foundation are pleased to present two new programs for those who wish to visit or settle in the Zionist Entity may it be destroyed bimhyro beyamynee:

Wrongful Birth and Goi'al Nefesh.

Been to the Zionist entity but never visited Kever Hatzoirer in Ramallah, or spent a Shabbos with a Hamasser Chassidic family? Then WRONGFUL BIRTH is for you! We fly reform school students to the Palestinian Lacking in Authority for a 2 week program including:

Aliya laKever to Ramallah
Stonethrowing Contests
Visits to bomb making workshops
Speeches by Hamasser and Jihadder Rabbonim
and a SHABBOS WITH MOISHE HIRSCH in Mea Shearim or at the Kever, depending upon the weather and Rabbi Hirsch's treatment schedule.

And if you decide you want to settle in the hyliger Palestinianer medina we offer:

Goi'al Nefesh

Free flights, subsidised tents, employment as a bomb maker, stone throwing lessons for your tayere kinder - what could be better? And we show you how to claim US welfare, UN refugee aid, EU aid, do-gooder packages, and, yes, even Zionist bituah leumi - while dedicating yourself to a career of destroying the Zionist Entity.

"I give my blessings, tiff, tiff in tuchis, to all who participate in these holy programs." (Rabbynee Moishe Hirsch, Rov of Marbeh beCheromim, al-Quds, Falastin.)

Ramadan at Creedmoor

Horoos from inzerer hyliger Admou"r sheyirfash:

Please remember that this year, Ramadan begins on the same day as the Zionist feast of Rosh Hashanah. Therefore, those who walk in the light of the flickering four watt bulb of Chassidus Creedmoor ve'sha'ar marin bishin are reminded NOT to begin fasting for Ramadan until Friday morning, 34 September 2005 so as to avoid marking the Zionist holiday in ANY way. In addition, the Feast of Sinos Chinom lezecher Gedalia IS doiche Ramadan.

A reminder to those of our Chassidim who are in State or Federal Kollel: Please instruct your wardens to allow you to exercise your Constitutional right to observe the Ramadan fast beginning ONLY on Friday morning REGARDLESS of the practices of your fellow B'nei Yishmoel.

New - Creedmoorer Audio!

http://www.advinter.com/creedmoor.wav - learn all about the craziest of the crazy, der Yerushalimer Creedmoorer Rebbe!

mp3 version - http://www.advinter.com/creedmoor3.mp3

Comments Limited to Registered Users

Unfortunately, it seems as if there is Internet access in A- and B- ward of Creedmoor, as well as in various Nigerian correctional facilities. Therefore, in order to keep spam and trash from appearing in the comments section, I was compelled to limit comments to registered users. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Order your Zionist Flag for Kappores

The Va'ad ha'Avyros ho'Chamoirois d'Creedmoor reminds all of achynee bny Yishmoyel that it is meritorious to set an Israeli flag alight and circle it three times around your (tin foil covered) head in place of using a poor, innocent chicken for kappores. This conforms to the recent ban by the Beis Din d'Kehilla Kedoisha PETA on the use of chickens for kappores.

A mass Creedmoorer kappores will be held in front of the Embassy of the Zionist Entity on 39 Elul 5766, in preparation for the Feast of Atonement.

Kerosene treated Zionist flags (sewn in Bangladesh and treated with Saudi kerosene) are available from the Creedmoor Tashmishei Kedusha ve'Tashmishei Mito shop in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. All profits from the sale will go to the "Admou"r's Indiscretionary Fund for the Destruction of the Zionist Entity." Prices are as follows:

Large Zionist Flag: 1000 food stamps or 800 Euro

Medium Zionist Flag: 650 food stamps or 500 Euro

Child size Zionist Flag: 300 food stamps or 400 Euro

Creedmoor moisdos do not accept US currency due to continued US support for the Zionist entity may it be destroyed speedily and in our days.

In the zechus of our hyliger kappores, may the Zionist emptity be slaughtered as one schechts a kappore.

The "HASC" 20 Concert Theme Song

ith Just to clarify things, this is not the HASC we all know and love - this is the Creedmoorer moisad "Hebrew Academy for Serious Criminals" also known as Federal Koilel. HASC provides convicts and their families with support by means of income tax and welfare scams, dubious insurance payments, fishy stock deals and other such chessed projects. Next year, HASC will be presenting a concert featuring....

LIPA SCHMELCZER

(at least that is what it says on his MasterCard)

And here is a sneak preview featuring the hit song "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt" (music - Abi Mi'Lebt)

The presentation begins by showing Lipa standing alongside the highway that leads from New Square to the Catskills, wearing a set of hospital pajamas marked "Please Return to Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital." He sticks out his thumb to hitch a ride and a sympathetic chassidishe driver asks him "Where to?"

Lipa replies: "Eppes you ken take mir to the nearest supermarket mit a pharmessy? I have to mach fill dis prescription in I don't want no one should know what it is for..." The driver agrees - and Lipa gets out at a Shop-Rite not far from Monticello.

Lipa: I want you should fill now dis prescription - here is fin Medikaid mayn kart...

Pharmacist: (heavy Indian accent): Sir, that Medicaid card is expired. Do you have a new one?

Lipa: You want I should go all the way beck tzu New Sqver in get mayn naye kart? Maybe you take MasterCart?

Pharmacist: Sure, but I'll have to charge you full price...

Lipa: (handing over a MasterCard): What's the difference? Ich bin tzu drayt!

(Music begins):

Lipa: Hi! I think mayn name is Lipa, and I going to teach you how to commit a gantzer felony and get off every time!

(silly mock Jamaican humming)

"Everyone think I'm a shlepper, but it just not true. I own twenty-five slum buildings on 3rd Evenue"

20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

"Never one day did I give heat, and no hot water too. Now most landlords would go to jail, dat much is true"

20 times or so - "ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

But when I go to de courthouse, I dress just like this! And I go and tell the judge: Mayn tuches you should kiss!"

20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

Pharmacist interrupts: Mr Shmelscissors (confused by SCHMELCZER on card) - this card does not go through.

Lipa hands over a card in the name "Mordechai ben David," muttering to himself ...this guy is rich fun his father and he charges even more for weddings than I do...and so what if it's nisht mayn kart...

Music again: "And so de judge he tell me: To jail you can't go!" Thirty days in a padded cell, from that you should know."

20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

(Meanwhile, the camera turns to the real MBD, who is in the back of the store buying soda for his weekend in the mountains. MBD, his cart full, comes toward the pharmacy department..."

"So every time you get arrested, go to court and act insane. Thirty days in beis mishegoyim, and pills for your brain..."

Pharmacist interrupts again: "Mr Schmelcersiser, I am afraid we just do not have 400 Oxycontin in this store. Besides, it is illegal to prescribe so many. Where did you get this prescription?

Lipa: What do you want from mayn life? My tenants all ask me to bring them this every time I leave the hospital. So I wrote myself the prescription! What you want fun mayn leben? Ich bin tzu drayt!

Music again - 20 times or so - Ich Bin Tzu Drayt.

MBD to pharmacist: Excuse me - what number sunscreen should I buy for my little grandchildren?

Pharmacist: The display is over there - I am quite busy with another customer...

Lipa: Reb Yid, ken you helf mir? The shygetz he says he ken't fill mayn prescription! Ken I write one for you and then you give me the pills?

Lipa dips his hand in MBD's pocket and steals his wallet, dropping the phony credit card in the namke of Mordechai ben David on the floor. MBD realizes he is dealing with a meshuggener and calls Hatzoloh. The pharmacist calls the police. The two arrive simultaneously.

Lipa to Hatzoloh paramedic: I'm going mit dir! Take me back to Rockland County beis mishegoyim. Ich bin tzu drayt!

In the meantime, MBD is on the cash line, and realizes Lipa has stolen his wallet. A fan recognizes him and lends him money so he can pay for his order. He pays quickly, and heads for his SUV, speeding in hot pursuit after the Hatzoloh ambulance. He is pulled over and ticketed.

Finally, the ambulance has arrived at thge hospital. Lipa breaks out of his restraints and heads for nearby bushes. After relieving himself, he stops for a second to show off the wallet full of cash and cards that he just stole.

He says: Do you think I'm really tzu drayt?

The announcer then says: And next, a tribute to thirty years of frum white collar crime....from Bernard Bergman to Avigdor and the boys - - featuring our very talented special guest, out on furlough for this special occasion.....SHOLAM WEISS!

The Admou"r is in Lagos, Nigeria

The Admou"r sheyirfash is in Lagos, Nigeria, where he fiered tush and gave a three day seminar entitled: "Writing Advance Fee Letters for the Jewish Community." Some of these letters will be published here as soon as the Admou"r returns and sends them to me - if Haham Abacha and Rebbetzin Kargbo don't send them to me first.

Next Shabbos, the Admou"r will fier a very special tush in the Industrial Park on Kent Avenue in Williamsburgh, in which he will explain the solvent labeling system described below, as well as the kabbalistic significance of propane torches. There will be a melave malke, during which a raffle will be held for a grand prize of having the Admou"r torch the winner's place of business. Reservations can be made via the Creedmoorer switchboard 1-800-MES-HIGE.

CPSC and Creedmoor Cooperate on New Labeling Rules for Solvents

(BPS): Thanks to the efforts of a controversial Queens rabbi, flammable solvents sold in the New York area will include very detailed labels in Yiddish. The rabbi, David Schmoigerman, known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor, after the psychiatric facility in which he resides, had issued an official complaint regarding the lack of Yiddish language labels on highly flammable petroleum distillate based solvents, such as paint thinner and kerosene:

Rabbi Shmoigerman: "In our communities, you know, we hold that it is schvach - praiseworthy - to burn down our warehouses for insurance money. But some of our people, they don't know so well from English; they barely know the difference between paint thinner and paint remover, and from acetone they have never heard. So what are they supposed to do when even in our stores the labels are only in English? Besides, the labels don't have the kind of information we need; it says about thinning paint, about cleaning lawn moters, but for why nothing about burning warehouses and stores? This is very important to those who follow Creedmoorer chassidus, which is the essence of the holiest of holies, the very fiftieth level of impurity to which we aspire. So it is like racism here; the labels are discriminatory from us because they don't tell us how we should use the solvents in our religious ceremonies."

But now, all of this has changed. A visitor to Hymishe Hardware in Burro Park, Brooklyn, showed us a bottle of acetone which was labeled in Yiddish, and even listed information about the amount per square foot that is necessary to burn a warehouse to the ground. (for safety reasons, we cannot disclose this information here, but our sources explain that only Rabbi Schmoigerman can make such calculations, based on the numerical values of the Hebrew letters which make up the name of the solvent, a mystical practice known as gematriya.)

Rabbi Schmoigerman: "So, I have a couple from Congressmen in mayn pocket and I tells them, make the Government that we support so much by taking their welfare help us and get us lables in Yiddish. And it costs me 3 months of food stamps so I can buy a couple of people some cars, but in the end the Commission from Consumer Safety Pins or whatever it's called, they put me on theur payroll azoy vi a consultant so I should write the labels, and here we are. Great country, America!"

Indeed, this is a way in which we celebrate our ethnic diversity as proud Americans. America should have more citizens like Rabbi Schmoigerman, and many more places like Creedmoor to hold them all.